Science Fiction - Prologue - 1000 words

[AJB]

I've recently wrote a completely new beginning to my novel, so was wondering if this works basically. Any and all comments will be welcomed and appreciated.
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Prologue


Discover the deep mysteries of the Universe: delve into the workings of dark matter; dissect the heart of the human soul; follow your path to truth through philoscience...

Titus's wonder twisted in his mind like a carousel as he gazed into the revolving images of the holographic advertisement, of people in purple robes meditating amongst stars, gravitational lensing and particle collisions, all entwined in a web of neuronal pathways.

"You're not seriously buying into philoscience, are you Titus?" said his older brother Sam.

"Doesn't it capture your imagination? Philoscientists are the only people in the Galaxy who continue to research dark matter!" Titus said, not taking his eyes off the advert at the spaceport. Many people were walking past the brothers, who waited to meet their father at arrivals.

"It's all mumbo jumbo! Can't you see it's just a bunch of intriguing ideas thrown together to tempt gullible people like yourself to attend one of their 'resorts'."

"I heard everyone say that.” Titus frowned, tightening his lips to one side. “I don’t know, though. That’s just what the media says. Philoscientists don't tell what they do to non-members. Billions of members across the Galaxy can’t all be gullible, right?"

"Get a grip, Titus. It’s all brainwashing. You think it's a coincidence they were the people who developed brainscanning?”

"That’s for medical purposes, Sam.” Titus continued to admire all the images the philoscience advert had thrown together. “You believe what you want to believe. But when I read into philoscience and what they do - I don't know - it speaks to me. I may go to their resort. It’s only for info and stuff, anyway."

"You'll be a fool if you go." Sam looked down at his younger brother gazing into the hologram. “I’m going to tell dad.”

Titus exhaled in annoyance. “Don’t do that. He’s more ignorant than you.”

“Don’t talk about dad like that. He’s done a lot for us.”

“Yeah, but it’s what he wants that really counts.” Titus stared doggedly at the advert, finding himself looking at the closed, content eyes of the meditator in purple robes.

“Dad’s here now. Look, just talk to him about it, yeah?”

Jirad Ursan walked over calmly to his two sons. “It’s nice to see you both here. I thought I’d have to wait until I got home.”

“Mum sent us out to get you,” Sam said. “Otherwise, we wouldn’t have bothered.”

“Ha! Yeah, I suspected as much. Still, I appreciate it all the same. Titus, you got dragged out here too then, did you?”

“Yeah, I suppose,” Titus said unenthusiastically. “How did the experiment go?” He thought he should be polite.

“It was fascinating actually – thanks for asking. We’re really honing down how individual electrons interact with other sub-atomic particles and the effects they can produce. Cause and effect is so hard to determine at the atomic level. It’s strange how discovering such tiny interactions can cause such huge influences for humanity.”

That is fascinating, Titus thought, glancing back at the philoscience advert. Perhaps his father may understand why he wanted to go to the resort after all. “You might not believe me, Dad, but I have been thinking similar thoughts myself.”

“Oh?”Jirad said with a mix of surprise and interest.

“Yeah, I was thinking I might follow a similar path to you. You know – discover the deep mysteries of the Universe.”

“Really? Well now, that is a nice shock. I thought you’d end up doing something completely different to me. Something artsy, perhaps. What kind of science have you become interested in? Any particular field?”

“Well, it’s not technically science.” Titus paused, wondering if this really was the best time to bring the subject up. His father looked at him with a smile ofanticipation. Titus knew he was going to be disappointed. “But it is scientific.”

“Oh, OK. What do you mean then, Son?”

“It’s philoscience. I want to help find out about dark matter! Imagine the benefits for humanity if we could get to the bottom of that mystery.” Titus motioned his dad to look at the hologram next to them. “Check it out!”

The enthusiasm had already drained from Jirad’s features, then sunk completely as he took in the spiralling images and floating text.

“I tried to talk him out of it,” Sam said. “He’s very stubborn, though.”

“I want to go, Dad.” Titus said, unable to hide his excitement. “It’s not that far to the resort. I want to find out what they have to say about dark matter. I’ve been researching about it for ages now. How can eighty percent of the material Universe be ignored? You talk about the wondrous discoveries made when science delves into matter. Dark matter will surely have the same potential for possibilities.”

"Titus, for thousands of years, many scientists from all regions of the Galaxy have studied dark matter, and we've still yet to hear of any advancements made from these endeavours. We are still receiving distant messages confirming inconclusive results. Or, simply that dark matter research has been terminated. With many light years to travel, there is a chance success may arrive from the far reaches, but the probability of that is getting much closer to zero as we speak."

"But Dad, philoscientists are doing something different. If you listen to what-"

Titus' father slammed his hand down on his palm. "Philoscience is not a legitimate science! It's grounded on wishful thinking - a complete waste of time. It’s a joke amongst people."

Titus was stunned by his father's reaction. "Like the thousands of years of science research you just mentioned," Titus said dryly, turning away from his father.

His father was about to say something, but decided not to. The holographic advert continued to spin as an audio file played to accompany it: Do you believe you're more than just a moving mass of matter? Do you believe there's something else that drives you? Well, we believe the same about the Universe. Find out more at the Philoscience Resort, coming to your city soon.

 

[SciFrac]

I like what you're doing, and this philosophical difference is intriguing. I'd move that first paragraph below the second, so that you start with action and a character. That reads better to me. It did feel pretty info dumpy in the middle, but then I'm not a hard sci-fi guy. And I'd prefer you end with some hint what happened next. It just stops with his dad about to say something then more ads. Maybe they could walk off together in a disappointed silence, or this convo starts a rehashed argument we don't have to hear. Give us a little more conclusion, right now it feels chopped off.

Why is this a prologue and not Ch1?

 

[J Riff]

Well, I think that 'Wonder twisted in Titus' mind like a carousel as he gazed into the revolving images of the holographic advertisement' works a bit better. Would say more, but am late for a Scientology meeting. (chek it out!) : )

 

[Brian G Turner]

There's far too much dialogue here, IMO. Some authors do get away with writing a lot of dialogue, but IMO here it's quite unfocused and the piece would be better strengthened with a focus on POV. Otherwise, what you've done is written the character experience through dialogue and ended up with something nearer to a screenplay than a novel, IMO.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Prologue


Discover the deep mysteries of the Universe: delve into the workings of dark matter; dissect the heart of the human soul; follow your path to truth through philoscience...

Titus's wonder twisted in his mind like a carouselfor me this metaphor is a little too much as he gazed into the revolving images of the holographic advertisement, of people in purple robes meditating amongst stars, gravitational lensing and particle collisions, all entwined in a web of neuronal pathways.

"You're not seriously buying into philoscience, are you Titus?" said his older brother Sam.

"Doesn't it capture your imagination? Philoscientists are the only people in the Galaxy who continue to research dark matter!" Titus said, not taking his eyes off the advert at the spaceport. Many people were walking past the brothers, who waited to meet their father at arrivals.

"It's all mumbo jumbo! Can't you see it's just a bunch of intriguing ideas thrown together to tempt gullible people like yourself to attend one of their 'resorts'."

"I heard everyone say that.” Titus frowned, tightening his lips to one side. “I don’t know, though. That’s just what the media says. Philoscientists don't tell what they do to non-members. Billions of members across the Galaxy can’t all be gullible, right?"

"Get a grip, Titus. It’s all brainwashing. You think it's a coincidence they were the people who developed brainscanning?”Okay, for me at this stage, it's reading as an info-dump disguised as a conversation. I think this could be an effective scene, if we could get more of a sense of conflict. Is his brother scared that Titus will start to get sucked into a cult? If so, could we see more of that desperation and less of the more clinical statements?

"That’s for medical purposes, Sam.” Titus continued to admire all the images the philoscience advert had thrown together. “You believe what you want to believe. But when I read into philoscience and what they do - I don't know - it speaks to me. I may go to their resort. It’s only for info and stuff, anyway."

"You'll be a fool if you go." Sam looked down at his younger brotherfeels a little like a pov hope to me gazing into the hologram. “I’m going to tell dad.”

Titus exhaled in annoyance. “Don’t do that. He’s more ignorant than you.”

“Don’t talk about dadDad, unless you're saying my dad or something, I think like that. He’s done a lot for us.”

“Yeah, but it’s what he wants that really counts.” Titus stared doggedly at the advert, finding himself looking at the closed, content eyes of the meditator in purple robes.

“Dad’s here now. Look, just talk to him about it, yeah?”

Jirad Ursan walked over calmly to his two sons. “It’s nice to see you both here. I thought I’d have to wait until I got home.”

“Mum sent us out to get you,” Sam said. “Otherwise, we wouldn’t have bothered.”

“Ha! Yeah, I suspected as much. Still, I appreciate it all the same. Titus, you got dragged out here too then, did you?”

“Yeah, I suppose,” Titus said unenthusiastically. “How did the experiment go?” He thought he should be polite.

“It was fascinating actually – thanks for asking. We’re really honing down how individual electrons interact with other sub-atomic particles and the effects they can produce. Cause and effect is so hard to determine at the atomic level. It’s strange how discovering such tiny interactions can cause such huge influences for humanity.”

That is fascinating, Titus thought, glancing back at the philoscience advert. Perhaps his father may understand why he wanted to go to the resort after all. “You might not believe me, Dad, but I have been thinking similar thoughts myself.”

“Oh?”Jirad said with a mix of surprise and interest.

“Yeah, I was thinking I might follow a similar path to you. You know – discover the deep mysteries of the Universe.”

“Really? Well now, that is a nice shock. I thought you’d end up doing something completely different to me. Something artsy, perhaps. What kind of science have you become interested in? Any particular field?”

“Well, it’s not technically science.” Titus paused, wondering if this really was the best time to bring the subject up. His father looked at him with a smile ofanticipation. Titus knew he was going to be disappointed. “But it is scientific.”

“Oh, OK. What do you mean then, Son?”

“It’s philoscience. I want to help find out about dark matter! Imagine the benefits for humanity if we could get to the bottom of that mystery.” Titus motioned his dad to look at the hologram next to them. “Check it out!”

The enthusiasm had already drained from Jirad’s features, then sunk completely as he took in the spiralling images and floating text.

“I tried to talk him out of it,” Sam said. “He’s very stubborn, though.”

“I want to go, Dad.” Titus said, unable to hide his excitement. “It’s not that far to the resort. I want to find out what they have to say about dark matter. I’ve been researching about it for ages now. How can eighty percent of the material Universe be ignored? You talk about the wondrous discoveries made when science delves into matter. Dark matter will surely have the same potential for possibilities.”

"Titus, for thousands of years, many scientists from all regions of the Galaxy have studied dark matter, and we've still yet to hear of any advancements made from these endeavours. We are still receiving distant messages confirming inconclusive results. Or, simply that dark matter research has been terminated. With many light years to travel, there is a chance success may arrive from the far reaches, but the probability of that is getting much closer to zero as we speak."

"But Dad, philoscientists are doing something different. If you listen to what-"

Titus' father slammed his hand down on his palmfor me, more of this, less of the telling me about the science. . "Philoscience is not a legitimate science! It's grounded on wishful thinking - a complete waste of time. It’s a joke amongst people."

Titus was stunned by his father's reaction. "Like the thousands of years of science research you just mentioned," Titus said dryly, turning away from his fatherdrop from his father; we know what he's turning away from. .

His father was about to say something, but decided not tothis one is definitely a point of view jump.. The holographic advert continued to spin as an audio file played to accompany it: Do you believe you're more than just a moving mass of matter? Do you believe there's something else that drives you? Well, we believe the same about the Universe. Find out more at the Philoscience Resort, coming to your city soon.[/QUOTE]

I think I said most of my thoughts above. For me, this is an info-dump -- quite an interesting one, to be fair -- but I'd want to know more about the family and less about the science. Make me care about Titus and not want him to go to this camp. I'd like to know if he has a tendency to get obsessive about things, or if he feels his family has never understood him. The suggestion of a sort of cult intrigued me, I'd like more about that.

 

[HareBrain]

It has potential, but the dialogue, especially at the beginning, feels unrealistic, to me. People don't talk like that, or not people I'm interested in getting to know better. It feels a bit like two scientists conversing in a film from the thirties. I don't feel like they're brothers. You know them better than me, of course, but I might start with Sam interrupting Titus's reverie with something like a half-jokey "Getting brainwashed again, Titus?" -- if these brothers have grown up together as sons of an eminent scientist and they're both interested in science themselves, there would probably be a deep competitiveness, even if they try to hide it. I want that to come out. I want to know more about their relationship. Then I'll be more interested in the cult aspect.

 

[Hex]

What the others said about getting to know the characters a bit, but apart from that I feel a bit nitpicky about your dialogue -- for me, the characters use names too much. Also, it seems to me that you're spelling things out in your dialogue that don't really need to be.

Dialogue's not one of my strengths, so feel free to ignore all this!

"You're not seriously buying into philoscience, are you Titus?" said his older brother Sam. [--> could become: "Not philoscience, Titus," said Sam.

"Doesn't it capture your imagination? Philoscientists are the only people in the Galaxy who continue to research dark matter!" "But they research dark matter!" -- because clearly Titus's imagination is engaged, and you can imply the rest -- you don't need to say it. Titus said, not taking his eyes off the advert -- don't we know they're at a spaceport? I think there might be somewhere more elegant to say so. at the spaceport. Many people were walking past the brothers, who waited to meet their father at arrivals.

"It's all mumbo jumbo! Can't you see it's just a bunch of intriguing ideas thrown together to tempt gullible people like yourself to attend one of their 'resorts'." --> "It's just a bunch of ideas thrown together to tempt idiots [don't need to say he considers Titus to be one of them, because context implies it] to their 'resorts'."

It's that thing about deciding how much you can trust your reader. I think you could trust yours more and explain a bit less. e.g. 'His father looked at him with a smile of anticipation' could easily become: 'His father smiled at him' [the anticipation comes from the context]

I like the idea. I like Titus, too.

 

[Cosmic Geoff]

Prologue


Discover the deep mysteries of the Universe: delve into the workings of dark matter; dissect the heart of the human soul; follow your path to truth through philoscience...
I'm not enthusiastic about this as an opening.
Titus's wonder twisted in his mind like a carousel as he gazed into the revolving images of the holographic advertisement, of people in purple robes meditating amongst stars, gravitational lensing and particle collisions, all entwined in a web of neuronal pathways.

"You're not seriously buying into philoscience, are you Titus?" said his older brother Sam.

"Doesn't it capture your imagination? Philoscientists are the only people in the Galaxy who continue to research dark matter!" Titus said, not taking his eyes off the advert at the spaceport. Many people were walking past the brothers, who waited to meet their father at arrivals.

"It's all mumbo jumbo! Can't you see it's just a bunch of intriguing ideas thrown together to tempt gullible people like yourself to attend one of their 'resorts'."

"I heard everyone say that.” Titus frowned, tightening his lips to one side. “I don’t know, though. That’s just what the media says. Philoscientists don't tell what they do to non-members. Billions of members across the Galaxy can’t all be gullible, right?"

"Get a grip, Titus. It’s all brainwashing. You think it's a coincidence they were the people who developed brainscanning?” I thought we already had brain scanners (CAT, etc)? What exactly do you mean?

"That’s for medical purposes, Sam.” Titus continued to admire all the images the philoscience advert had thrown together. “You believe what you want to believe. But when I read into philoscience and what they do - I don't know - it speaks to me. I may go to their resort. It’s only for info and stuff, anyway."

"You'll be a fool if you go." Sam looked down at his younger brother gazing into the hologram. “I’m going to tell dad.”

Titus exhaled in annoyance. “Don’t do that. He’s more ignorant than you.”

“Don’t talk about dad like that. He’s done a lot for us.”

“Yeah, but it’s what he wants that really counts.” Titus stared doggedly Lose the adverb at the advert, finding himself looking at the closed, content eyes of the meditator in purple robes.

“Dad’s here now. Look, just talk to him about it, yeah?”

Jirad Ursan walked over calmly to his two sons. “It’s nice to see you both here. I thought I’d have to wait until I got home.”

“Mum sent us out to get you,” Sam said. “Otherwise, we wouldn’t have bothered.”

“Ha! Yeah, I suspected as much. Still, I appreciate it all the same. Titus, you got dragged out here too then, did you?”

“Yeah, I suppose,” Titus said unenthusiastically Lose the adverb. “How did the experiment go?” He thought he should be polite.

“It was fascinating actually – thanks for asking. We’re really honing down how individual electrons interact with other sub-atomic particles and the effects they can produce. Cause and effect is so hard to determine at the atomic level. It’s strange how discovering such tiny interactions can cause such huge influences for humanity.”
This does not sound like cutting edge future science to me.

That is fascinating, Titus thought, glancing back at the philoscience advert. Perhaps his father may understand why he wanted to go to the resort after all. “You might not believe me, Dad, but I have been thinking similar thoughts myself.”

“Oh?”Jirad said with a mix of surprise and interest.

“Yeah, I was thinking I might follow a similar path to you. You know – discover the deep mysteries of the Universe.”

“Really? Well now, that is a nice shock. I thought you’d end up doing something completely different to me. Something artsy, perhaps. What kind of science have you become interested in? Any particular field?”

“Well, it’s not technically science.” Titus paused, wondering if this really was the best time to bring the subject up. His father looked at him with a smile ofanticipation. Titus knew he was going to be disappointed. “But it is scientific.”

“Oh, OK. What do you mean then, Son?”

“It’s philoscience. I want to help find out about dark matter! Imagine the benefits for humanity if we could get to the bottom of that mystery.” Titus motioned his dad to look at the hologram next to them. “Check it out!”

The enthusiasm had already drained from Jirad’s features, then sunk completely as he took in the spiralling images and floating text.

“I tried to talk him out of it,” Sam said. “He’s very stubborn, though.”

“I want to go, Dad.” Titus said, unable to hide his excitement. “It’s not that far to the resort. I want to find out what they have to say about dark matter. I’ve been researching about it for ages now. How can eighty percent of the material Universe be ignored? You talk about the wondrous discoveries made when science delves into matter. Dark matter will surely have the same potential for possibilities.”

"Titus, for thousands of years, many scientists from all regions of the Galaxy have studied dark matter, and we've still yet to hear of any advancements made from these endeavours. We are still receiving distant messages confirming inconclusive results. Or, simply that dark matter research has been terminated. With many light years to travel, there is a chance success may arrive from the far reaches, but the probability of that is getting much closer to zero as we speak."
You could be on shaky ground suggesting that dark matter will still be unexplained in thousands of years time. NASA is already attaching percentages to it. Thousands of years ago mankind didn't know much about anything.
"But Dad, philoscientists are doing something different. If you listen to what-"

Titus' father slammed his hand down on his palm. "Philoscience is not a legitimate science! It's grounded on wishful thinking - a complete waste of time. It’s a joke amongst people."

Titus was stunned by his father's reaction. "Like the thousands of years of science research you just mentioned," Titus said dryly, turning away from his father.

His father was about to say something, but decided not to. The holographic advert continued to spin as an audio file played to accompany it: Do you believe you're more than just a moving mass of matter? Do you believe there's something else that drives you? Well, we believe the same about the Universe. Find out more at the Philoscience Resort, coming to your city soon.

There is a lot of dialogue here. I get two impressions: one, that Titus is a rube. Two, that the characters are less important here than delivering information about philoscience etc.
Having token characters was a characteristic of some SF, but unfortunately I haven't responded well to your science content either. I fear that this critique is developing a negative tone, sorry. Your piece isn't that bad, but I do have a technical and science background, and criticize accordingly

 

[BookerBrin]

I've recently wrote a completely new beginning to my novel, so was wondering if this works basically. Any and all comments will be welcomed and appreciated.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Prologue


Discover the deep mysteries of the Universe: delve into the workings of dark matter; dissect the heart of the human soul; follow your path to truth through philoscience...Hmm. This sounds a bit preachy to be honest. If you kept the first sentence, then tag it with 'the holograph advertising sign blazed in red.' Then straight to the next paragraph.

Titus's wonder twisted in his mind like a carousel as he gazed into the revolving images of the holographic advertisement, I'm dizzy just reading this trying to imagine Titus's wonder. I think 'wonder' is too abstract for what you're trying to achieve, perhaps using 'brain' because that's a concrete object. Or you could have Titus continuing to read the advertisement (from the first paragraph) for continuity. of people in purple robes meditating amongst stars, gravitational lensing and particle collisions, all entwined in a web of neuronal pathways.

"You're not seriously buying into philoscience, are you Titus?" said his older brother Sam.

"Doesn't it capture your imagination? Philoscientists are the only people in the Galaxy who continue to research dark matter!" Titus said, not taking his eyes off the advert at the spaceport. Many people were walking past the brothers, who waited to meet their father at arrivals.

Goes without saying that they're waiting at arrivals.

"It's all mumbo jumbo! Can't you see it's just a bunch of intriguing ideas thrown together to tempt gullible people like yourself to attend one of their 'resorts'."This reads as a bit of info dump disguised as dialogue. The brother can be sceptical, but he doesn't need to be 'all-knowing' -- that's the author's job!

"I heard everyone say that.” Titus frowned, tightening his lips to one side. “I don’t know, though. That’s just what the media says. Philoscientists don't tell what they do to non-members. Billions of members across the Galaxy can’t all be gullible, right?"

"Get a grip, Titus. It’s all brainwashing. You think it's a coincidence they were the people who developed brainscanning?”

"That’s for medical purposes, Sam.” Titus continued to admire all the images [Show us what these are] the philoscience advert had thrown together. “You believe what you want to believe. But when I read into philoscience and what they do - I don't know - it speaks to me. I may go to their resort. It’s only for info and stuff, anyway."

"You'll be a fool if you go." Sam looked down at his younger brother gazing into the hologram. “I’m going to tell dad.” Up till this point, I had assumed these were adult brothers? This seems a bit of a teenage thing to say, unless we are told that the Dad is ill or some other reason why he would be dead against it.

Titus exhaled in annoyance. “Don’t do that. He’s more ignorant than you.”

“Don’t talk about dad like that. He’s done a lot for us.”

As others have said, there's too much dialogue, and I think there needs to be a bit more balance of description or some setting and a hook for the reader to become interested in. As it stands, you are teasing the reader with the 'resort', which I would associate with films such as Total Recall, i.e., that there is something fishy about it, which is good, but you need to also tell the reader more without giving the whole story away.

 

[AJB]

Sorry in advance for the bad formatting. I haven't got time now to sort it out!

Thanks somuch for everyone’s comments so far! I’ve found it all very useful!

I will give ageneral response to common remarks, then respond to specific questions/remarks.



General remarks

Quite a few people mentioned character,dialogue and info-dumping.

Character:

Yes, I thinkcharacter can get a good edit here. When I finish my first draft of the novel,several of my edits will be dedicated to character. I will have a complete ideahow I want each character to be and their arcs once completed. All commentsabout character / character dynamic here will help me a lot so thanks!



Dialogue:

Thanks forthose who has made suggestions how to amend some of the dialogue. I willdefinitely be using that advice in my edits.

Some people havesaid there is far too much dialogue. Hopefully editing and cutting the dialoguewill help with this a bit. I think for my intentions for this prologue, it willhave to be a dialogue heavy scene (having 3 people discussing stuff with asense of conflict). However, in the edit I will consider if it is ALL neededand if a tad more description will add to the scene while not distracting fromthe dialogue.

Info-dumping:

I will haveto watch this closely. Part of my aim of this prologue was introduce a fewthings to set the tone of the novel. I think the dialogue that does the mostdumping can get cut down but still achieve what I intended.



SciFrac - Whyis this a prologue and not Ch1?

I havethought about this. I think it is a prologue because the story jumps some decadeslater in the next part. We find out later that Titus goes to the resort thenjoins the Philoscience organisation without Jirad’s consent, but then hearsnothing from him for all that time having found it impossible to find out whereJirad is and what’s he’s doing in the Organisation.

The aim ofthis prologue was to show that conflict between father and son before Titusgets sucked into the Phioscience Organisation, while also setting the tone ofthe novel in general, revealing key elements such as philoscience, dark matter,neurology, cosmology, the sub-atomic level, far future setting in the Galaxy.

Two of myview point characters will be Jirad and Titus, however the brother will not be.There are 3 other viewpoints also. All viewpoints will reveal things about thePhiloscience organisation, in particular something that is at the heart oftheir secrecy (which I won’t name here now). Hopefully throughout readers will continuallyquestion if the Philoscience Organisation is a good/bad thing (hopefully notsimply being wholly either one).



J Riff - Would say more, but am late for a Scientology meeting. (chek it out!)

It’s interesting that you mentionedScientology. My novel has been influenced slightly by the generalresponse/stigma it has received from the general public and some media.Philoscience has some parallels with this. It would be interesting to hear yourview about this – Is this true? Has this changed much over the years? Personally,I looked into Scientology a bit and found it interesting, although I admit thiswas some time ago and was not an in depth study. I particular found interestinghow much importance there is on individuals developing their communication/dialogueand building an honesty about oneself (I looked into this some time ago, so notsure if my memory serves me too well on this).



Cosmic Geoff -

1. I thought we already had brainscanners (CAT, etc)? What exactly do you mean?

2. This does not sound like cuttingedge future science to me.

3. You could be on shaky groundsuggesting that dark matter will still be unexplained in thousands of yearstime. NASA is already attaching percentages to it. Thousands of years agomankind didn't know much about anything.

I’m glad you have remarked on the science in this prologue. It isvery helpful to see these responses. I will tweak accordingly.

1. Brainscanning is a highly more advanced thana CAT scan but this is expanded much later in the novel.

2. You referto the part about sub-atomicinteractions (quantum physics). From your comment, I think I can make what Imention a bit clearer.

I think I may change electrons to neutrinos.However I think science will continue to look at smaller and smallerinteractions at smaller and smaller scales. Jirad talks about individual sub-atomic particles. At themoment, scientists are baffled about sub-atomics particles displayingparticle-wave duality, acting like waves but then acting like particles whenbeing observed (seen in the double-slit experiment), as well as other strange phenomena. I think quantum physicswill achieve many advances in the future, and continue to.

3. I possibly could be onshaky grounds about this. How I see it though is that dark matter does notinteract at all with normal matter (except gravitationally), not even light. Wemay find out about dark matter, make observations of some sort and see how it influencesthings. However, my novel imagines a world where we may know about dark matterin the future, yet still cannot use it since we can’t manipulate it for our own benefits.

Thanks again all!

 

[tinkerdan]

Hi AJB,

This is an interesting concept and I too was getting flashes of Scientology.

As to a Prologue.

Many opinions abide all the way to certain genre don't abide them.

I think if the deciding matter is that its years between that and the main story you still might want to rethink it. It would make more sense if these characters were not in the story and it was that far off in distance. With this shorter time span you might still get away easily with making this chapter one.

I recently read a published book that had a prologue that takes place later, which is like a spoiler and in this instance because the publisher decided to split the book it lost some power in a sense because the end of book one seems to be well before the events in the prologue. It was clear that the character was the same person and that these events were leading up to that scened. I'll have to read the second book yet to find out if the prologue is truly spoiling the whole story. (I'm on the fence as to if the prologue should or could have been dispensed with.)

The dialogue is okay not great. I don't think you can have too much dialogue anywhere and when you don't have much you end up telling too much and people get annoyed about that. The key might be to watch for what is necessary to drive the story and try to avoid too much that might be construed as a device to wedge in a lot of telling. Honestly though there's no reason to cut all telling out when it helps move the story where you need the story to go.

In a way those extra adverbs that need to be stricken could be looked at as a means of turning telling into showing by adding body language that displays what those adverbs are trying to tell us.

Otherwise this looks like an interesting intro and I'd not worry too much about the dark matter stuff unless you're insistent that your book be just as believable two hundred years from now.