The Hook is the Thing?

[Perpetual Man]

Having realised how important a hook is at the start of the story, but struggling to do so successfully myself, I thought I'd set a little challenge.

Write a simple piece little more than an opening paragraph but get a hook in there that keeps the reader wanting to read...

But does it work?

Will others see it as a hook?

(You never know it might lead to another WiP)

 

[Perpetual Man]

My attempt:

From the hill he could look out over the moorland, the rolling green hills, dotted with yellow gorse bushes and strange formations of grim granite. In places sheep grazed, while thunder clouds rolled over head, as ominous as the shadows below.

Part of him wanted to move, wanted to run across the primal land and away from the life he led, but the spear that transfixed him, diagonally through his torso and into the soil impeded any such freedom.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I found that reasonably hooky, Perp, but wasn't sure I liked it being so obvious. The best hooks I read are the ones that leave a will they/won't they. (The start of Hex's Kingdom of Ink was one of the hookiest I have read.)

Ok, hooky, let's see (I am rubbish at hooks, in general):


I cast my gaze around the room, taking in the crowd approaching me. Their faces were twisted with hate, their mouths drawn back and teeth bared, my past and future held in their eyes. The time for atonement had arrived.

Atonement, or another stab at luck. I spread my hands wide. "Guys, we need to talk."

 

[Boneman]

My attempt:

From the hill he could look out over the moorland, the rolling green hills, dotted with yellow gorse bushes and strange formations of grim granite. In places sheep grazed, while thunder clouds rolled over head, as ominous as the shadows below.

Part of him wanted to move, wanted to run across the primal land and away from the life he led, but the spear that transfixed him, diagonally through his torso and into the soil impeded any such freedom.

Is that two attempts or one? See, you should open with the second para, that hooks, whereas the geography lesson is... well, boring.


Are we writing a new one as an exercise, or do you want to see current openings?

 

[Mr Orange]

perp, i agree that you should open with the second paragraph, transplant "primal land" with "rolling green hills" and do away with the first para.

here's my attempt:

As i walked across the barren, burnt landscape I had inadvertently destroyed, I lamented my incredibly bad luck. Things were not looking good for me, except for one thing. The shining, oddly shaped amulet I held in my right hand could well be my path to redemption. I just had to find its owner.

 

[Mouse]

My idea of what's 'hooky' often doesn't match with everybody else's. For example, I don't remember Hex's opening (sorry, I remember the rest of it!) but I remember alc's - and he said he'd been told it wasn't hooky (or he thought it wasn't, I forget which!).

 

[Juliana]

Here's part of something that started out as an attempt at the 75-word challenge but got too big:


The Skull Thief had struck again in the night. Three graves desecrated, sad bones piled on mounds of earth and rotten shards of coffin wood. And the skulls plain gone.

As I pushed stony-faced through the mass of cameras and microphones, I just knew it was going to be one of those days.


---

As for the others:

Perp, I agree with Boneman, you could have opened with the second para. The initial description slows things down a bit, but could work as a follow-up. Nice imagery with the spear, though!

Springs, your opening would definitely encourage me to read on.

Orange, I like it, but I think the first sentence opens with a lot of long words. Try saying it out loud - its a bit of a mouthful to read, if you know what I mean. Follows on nicely, though, with the rest of the para.

 

[alchemist]

My idea of what's 'hooky' often doesn't match with everybody else's. For example, I don't remember Hex's opening (sorry, I remember the rest of it!) but I remember alc's - and he said he'd been told it wasn't hooky (or he thought it wasn't, I forget which!).

*does double take*

Whi -- what-- mine? Is that the desert one?

(this is good info to know )

 

[Jo Zebedee]

*does double take*

Whi -- what-- mine? Is that the desert one?

(this is good info to know )

It was a good scene, I never understood why it didn't bring more interest, especially cos it was so sci fiey.

Mr Orange, for me, for it to be hooky there is too much detail. But that's for hookiness, as a start, I'd read on.

Juliana, that intrigued me and I would be interested in seeing where it went.

Boneman, I made mine up for this since it was a workshop thingy.

 

[Perpetual Man]

Heh, I've liked them all so far. Funnily enough it was the flow of long words that I lked in Mr. Orange's.

There was something creepily enticing in Juliana's and springs' made me chuckle, not sure if I was meant to but there you go.

It seems that I have this urge to write as I do almost as if I have to set things up, even at the downplaying of any potential hook. This is the first time I have really been able to see it, so the exercise must be a good one.

 

[alchemist]

Here's something I'm making up as I type:

Dead men really shouldn't be able to speak, especially when missing half their head. Yet the words still managed to come out of that bloody mess, "Find the traveller."

While the more human, sensitive side of my nature wanted me to run, the calm, professional part of my mind had a different opinion, like a mini-assassin perched on my shoulder.

Should have used a bigger gun.

 

[Ivanya]

Julianna and Springs - both of you had hooks that would make me want to read on.

Orange - I love the idea that your character has done something bad enough to wind up in that predicament. Maybe leave out the inadvertent part for the next sentence? I feel like it'd be a double hook if I wasn't sure whether the character was our bad guy!

Perp - I'm in agreement on the hook being in your second paragraph.

My attempt:

The last we saw of him was a feral show of teeth, fury-bared and savage as he bellowed through the gap left by the closing door.

"You've got the wrong man!" It was accusation, rather than pleading.

The stone slid into place with deafening impact. It sounded like finality, and I resisted the urge to shudder with relief. He'd never realised, never dreamed that I had been the one to set him up.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Alc, yeurggh. But Dark Bunny me loves it and would read on.

Ivanya, thanks. Ooh, yours is pretty creepy, I'd want to know more.

And Perp, yep it was supposed to be at least a wry smile inducer.

 

[Mouse]

*does double take*

Whi -- what-- mine? Is that the desert one?

(this is good info to know )

Yep. Probably helps that you had robo-gerbils. (I joke, I'd still remember it without them!)

 

[Mr Orange]

i think i was trying to get too much across in the first sentence. i wanted to make sure the reader new that the MC had caused the destructino around him, he didn't do it on purpose, but all he could think about was his own bad luck, not the people and things that had been destroyed...

and that was written just for this. i have no idea where the story would go from there!

springs: i liked it, but the first line could be made more striking i think.

juliana: interesting concept. i would switch the two paragraphs around.

alchemist: really liked this, except for the bit about the "mini-assasin"

ivanya: a good opening but maybe the final line is a bit cliche...

i think all of these so far would have me reading on,,,

 

[Perpetual Man]

I'm still recovering from Alc.'s Where's the rest and I'm not talking about the head....

Another attempt:

I was pulled from sleep by the silver hook through my lip, the taste of blood and exquisite pain. My eyes widened as I saw the devil trying to reel me in and I screamed as his corrupt tones sang, "Happy Birthday!" in an obscene discord.

 

[ratsy]

Here is a quick attempt

I choked back tears at the scene in front of me. My wrists burned; the rope holding them behind my back rubbed as I struggled to free my arms. The room was ransacked and I was sure the body lying still on the floor was Headmistress Gayle's. The hooded figures stopped what they were doing and the tallest approached me with slow steps. I will never forget sound of his boots echoing on the hard flooring. Thump...thump...thump.

As he approached I began shaking uncontrollably. At this point tears flowed freely down my red face. The figure removed his hood and I screamed. It was him...after all these years he had come for me.

 

[Boneman]

Mine:
I was truly sorry he didn't believe me. The blade flashed, his head rolled and I swear his mouth was opened in protest, but all it did was gather dust as it spun across the courtyard. Perhaps he wanted to say he believed, after all.

"Next!"

I put my head on the block, and kept my mouth shut.

Mr Orange: I'd say open with 'Things were not looking good for me." and then bring in the back story of the inadvertently destroyed land. I admit I'm a sucker for character-driven drama, but that could just be me...

Juliana: I LOVE IT! Bones, skulls, graves... ah... er... reverting to editor: I was trying to think of a better simile than 'struck'. I know it isn't one, but it's used a lot, and p'raps: The skull taker had cut the earth again. Sacred ground didn't look so hallowed when rotting coffins were torn open, and sad piles of bones were scattered. The skulls were gone.

I pushed my way, etc...

Alchemist: That's good and hooky, but (because I'm in that sort of mood, okay???) would it be more hooky if (because you're using humour, and I like parentheses today) it went:
"Find the traveller."

The words were a little indistinct, but he was dead with half his head missing, so it was frightening he could speak at all.

While the more human...etc

Ivanya (you can see where this is going, can't you?) I think the shout is more hooky than the showing, so:

"You've got the wrong man!" It was accusation, rather than pleading.

The last we saw of him was a feral show of teeth, etc.

Perp: I'm hooked, (no pun intended, but what did you expect?) I'd drop 'my eyes widened as', probably, a sit's not a horrific enough reaction.

Ratsy: Cut to the action, drop the first sentence... And besides, knowing you, it's santa and his little helpers gone bad. Ransacking, instead of giving, and Headmistress Gayle was on the naughty list...

 

[ratsy]

Hey just because I am covered in snow and way too far north in the world to be anywhere but Santa's neighbor...

 

[Ivanya]

ivanya: a good opening but maybe the final line is a bit cliche...,

Re-reading it, I'm going to agree on that!

And thank you, Boneman, I think I prefer it that way around too.