A word problem

[ctg]

I know my MC would know this word, but if most of the book is aimed towards the people without using highly complex or weirdly rare words, would it be right to use a correct word to describe the thing. Or should I simply edit it and use a simpler word?

The context:

“Jane,” he sighed. “We don’t have time for this. Step aside or you’ll be regretting—“

As his weapon weaved down I saw an opening. I moved forward and slashed. First, the right one met a gorget and then the left one sliced over his belly, through the cloth before it chinked off from a chainmail.
​

The word:

gor·get (gôr

j

t)n.1. A piece of armor protecting the throat.
2. An ornamental collar.
3. The scarflike part of a wimple covering the neck and shoulders.
4. A band or patch of distinctive color on the throat of an animal, especially an area of brightly colored feathers on the throat of a bird.


​

OOPSIE. Wrong place. I meant to put this in the other forum. Can mods move it to right one (general talk) please.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I know the word, but even if I didn't, I'd get the context that it's part of a piece of armour.

 

[ctg]

All right. I leave it in as it is.

Thank you darling.

 

[Juliana]

I think its a familiar enough word for genre readers to know, or at least understand within context, as springs said.

 

[Ursa major]

OOPSIE. Wrong place. I meant to put this in the other forum. Can mods move it to right one (general talk) please.

I assume you meant to post it in General Writing Discussion, so I've moved it there. (Or here, as it's known. )


I think the issue is slightly wider than just the word: you've mentioned the MC's first blow hitting the gorget, but say not more than that, and then you immediately give us the result of the second blow. I can see that you don't want to slow the action down (although the writing can never be as fast as these actions, I would suggest), but perhaps something like:

First, the right one was stopped by the armour protecting his throat and then the left one sliced through the cloth covering his belly before it chinked off the chainmail beneath.

I changed the second half of the sentence as he sliced the cloth and one cannot really slice across anything (particularly without actually penetrating it, give or take when you're kicking a ball, or hitting one with a racquet or golf club).

I seem to have lost the word, gorget, while editing, but if gorgets play no great part in the rest of the story, all you've actually lost is the mentioning to the reader that you know what a gorget is (and do they really need to know that you know the names of the various components of armour?).

 

[Tecdavid]

I'm actually a little more caught on the use of "one" to describe his attacks. "Gorget", as Springs and Juliana put it, is understandable in context. Using "one" to describe his weapons or his attacks, however, just seems a bit too non-specific to me. But I'm not sure whether anyone else feels that way -- maybe it's me.

 

[Ursa major]

You're right, TecD: but trying to put a noun where "one" is quite difficult, because first we're dealing with a blow using a weapon held in the MC's right hand, then with a blow using a weapon held in the MC's left hand. I'd like to make another suggestion, but I'm not sure whether the reader already knows which of the MC's weapons is in which hand.

If they did know, you could have something like (or, preferably, a lot better than):

His knife, aimed at the man's throat, met only his gorget; his short sword cut nothing more than the cloth covering the chainmail on the man's belly.

Actually, I don't think that combination of weapons works: if a knife is at the man's throat, is there room to wield a short sword? (But that's my problem, not ctg's )

 

[ctg]

Jane is wielding two machetes. Her favourite ones. And even if they're heavier than the normal short swords, I wouldn't imagine them being able to slice through Damien armour. So applying your suggestion would repeat machete in 53 words and look like this:

“Jane,” he sighed. “We don’t have time for this. Step aside or you’ll be regretting—“

As his weapon weaved down I saw an opening. I moved forward and slashed. First, the right machete met a gorget and then the left one sliced over his belly, through the cloth before it chinked off from a chainmail.

​

The problem on using Ursa language is that it would change Jane's and mine voice too much.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

I could probably get the general idea of the gorget, although aiming for the throat makes me think it has something to do with a gorge, and not armor at all. But how many gorgets are there? You're hitting "a" gorget there, not "the" or "his" gorget, so it sounds like there are multiples. And again with the chainmail, it's "a chainmail", which I would think should be "the" or "his" as well.

I would definitely use the "machete" for the first "one", to establish what is doing the slicing, as you have it in the example immediately above -- "one" without a reference is untidy, even if we should already know what she is carrying.

 

[Brian G Turner]

I know what a gorget is - the only curiosity is why it gets mentioned here, as it's going to be very visible before your character even strikes - especially as this character otherwise seems to have no other armour.

Also, the use of language I find somewhat confusing - I think the machete wouldn't meet "a gorget" but "the/his gorget", and it would certainly not chink off from "a chainmail" but simply "his/the (or neither) chainmail" (or, mail, if you want to sound less role-playing gamey).

So, you may want to consider mentioning the gorget earlier, as it'll be very visible, and clearly suggest the man is wearing other armour - if you haven't already.

Also, the character cannot aim to strike "at the throat" but instead "at the gorget", as the throat is plainly not visible.

 

[jastius]

i would combine the first and second parts of the sentence because you are basically repeating yourself...
ie. from;
First, the right machete met a gorget and then the left one sliced over his belly, through the cloth before it chinked off from the chainmail beneath.
to
The right machete met his throat gorget, the left slicing open the cloth over his belly, klinking off the chainmail beneath.

ps.. used to work with machetes in a restaurant.. they were always getting caught in bone..
much prefer the scimatar in a good toledo steel.. machetes are too easily broken as they are really meant as a brush cutting tool.. even a good hand scythe beats them.

 

[ctg]

In understand, but...

while I wouldn't try to hide something like this because it's so pretty:

I would probably try to hide something like this:

with something like this to make it not so extremely obvious:

 

[prizzley]

chainmail" (or, mail, if you want to sound less role-playing gamey).

And being picky, chainmail is tautological - mail is chain. I quote an expert from Royal Armouries.

 

[chrispenycate]

Ringmail? I've heard splint and scale referred to as mail.

 

[anivid]

He-he, funny one, this
First ctg thought he had a problem - now after speaking to you lot - he has several - nice help

 

[ctg]

He-he, funny one, this
First ctg thought he had a problem - now after speaking to you lot - he has several - nice help

Indeed. This is hilarious and it happens often with my posts. Sorry not often, but sometimes, because what happens often is that I don't get many replies. But when this sort of thing happens, people get pissed off for me being inaccurate.

 

[Ursa major]

It happens a lot when I edit my own stuff. It's often because one is putting a short passage under the microscope, and then any** deviation from perfection is noticed. That the vast majority of us find achieving perfection difficult if not impossible, just adds to the problem, as we keep finding those deviations from perfection in what were supposed to be the solutions to the earlier ones.

Going off to do something else can often be the solution, because it at least gives us a chance to put these deviations into perspective.



** - Apart from the glaring errors that everyone else can see, obviously.

 

[ctg]

It happens and this is sarcasm, because the people are here like:

while they see you like this:

even though you feel like this:

but in the reality this is what happens:

 

[Brian G Turner]

He-he, funny one, this
First ctg thought he had a problem - now after speaking to you lot - he has several - nice help

Well, we solved the first problem - we were familiar with the word used - we just thought the context in the paragraph sounded potentially wrong.