Reworked Opening - 268 Words

[RoninJedi84]

Hello again.

After my last post a few months back, I took the suggestions to heart (which were greatly appreciated, btw) and have been reworking my SS in progress, the opening of which I will now throw to the wolves.

I've changed it to a 1st Person perspective - not really my forte, I'll admit, but I think it will serve the ending of the story much better than 3rd person would.

Immediately after the last line of this opening, we begin getting into the meat of the story. So my question is simple - does it draw you in? Do you learn enough about these people to give a crap, and to want to know more?

Greatly looking forward to the comments, so here we go!



“Daddy? Is everybody dead? Esther and Joshua and the others?”

“Yes, Daniel.”

I had long since given up lying to my son. There was no point.

“Everybody in the world?”

I heard the whimper, and tried not to let it affect me. There was no point.

“Probably, buddy. But if we’re still alive, there’s hope that others survived, too. There’s always hope. Don’t ever forget that.”

Ruth began to sob next to me, her attempt to hide it from our son’s innocent inquisitiveness failing. That woeful sound cut into my soul, far deeper than I should have allowed, and in wretched silence I pulled them both closer to me. The quiet sobs continued, but gradually lessened and faded away. I hugged my wife and son tightly, trying to conserve the heat that struggled to reach us from the rusty stove. They merely gazed reverently into the ancient cauldron, as if they looked upon the majesty of God Himself.

Which, I thought to myself, they will. Sooner rather than later, I think.

I began to pray then, though I must confess it was born more of desperation than of faith. I don’t know how long I sat there, locked in my monologue with the Almighty inside my mind, but it was eventually interrupted by Daniel’s frantic cry.

“Daddy! It’s going out!”

“It’s okay, buddy. I’ll get it.”

Ruth pulled Daniel closer to her as I stood, wrapping the blanket tighter around them.

“But there’s no more, Daddy! You told Mommy the trees are useless!”

I started to counter, but the response died on my lips. There was no point.

 

[J Riff]

End of the World is a very common plot device - we knew a guy had 10,000 books dealing with armegaddonish events - so you might need to give just a tad more information in re: what has actually happened to our characters to put them in such a woeful state.
They merely gazed reverently into the ancient cauldron, as if they looked upon the majesty of God Himself.
That sentence... well, himself should not be capitalised?

 

[Bowler1]

“Daddy? Is everybody dead? Esther and Joshua and the others?”

“Yes, Daniel.”

I had long since given up lying to my son. There was no point. “Everybody in the world?” Might just be a formatting thing, but I wouldn’t have split the dialogue away from the thoughts. It made it difficult to know who was speaking, while now I think it’s clearer. I heard the whimper, and tried not to let it affect me. There was no point. “Probably, buddy. But if we’re still alive, there’s hope that others survived, too. There’s always hope. Don’t ever forget that.”

The immediate problem I have here is no background. I have no idea where the characters are, or what surrounds them. Are they in a city? A Forest? A house or a cabin? A sitting room or a basement? Without this setting I’m left reading in a void and for me this was a problem.
From here, (ignoring the lack of setting and background) I didn’t mind it, but I did miss the scene set up to this point.


From here
Ruth began to sob next to me, her attempt to hide it from our son’s innocent inquisitiveness failing. That woeful sound cut into my soul, far deeper than I should have allowed, and in wretched silence I pulled them both closer to me. The quiet sobs continued, but gradually lessened and faded away. I hugged my wife and son tightly, trying to conserve the heat that struggled to reach us from the rusty stove. They merely gazed reverently into the ancient cauldron, as if they looked upon the majesty of God Himself.

Which, I thought to myself, they will. Sooner rather than later, I think.

I began to pray then, though I must confess it was born more of desperation than of faith. I don’t know how long I sat there, locked in my monologue with the Almighty inside my mind, but it was eventually interrupted by Daniel’s frantic cry.

To here
On the above, you will be accused of telling as a style, not a problem for me, but others may not like it. The first bit in red (innocent son) was too much and could be removed and I think improve the little bit of telling your employing – keep it more immediate. The next religious bit I’m conflicted on. I liked it, but it did feel like you were over working the fire thing – a little unhelpful, me cutting it both ways, but there we go!

“Daddy! It’s going out!” said Daniel, his little body shivering beside me under the blankets we all huddled under.

“It’s okay, buddy,’ I said, trying to keep the heat in as I carefully stood, ‘I’ll get it.”

Ruth pulled Daniel closer to her as I stood, wrapping the blanket tighter around them.

“But there’s no more, Daddy! Daniel’s sad eyes met mine, ‘You told Mommy the trees are useless!”

A response died on my lips. There was no point.

On the last section of dialogue, mixing character actions as they speak could up the emotions and tension.
This section, for me, you’ve pared it back too much and are relying on dialogue too much to carry the scene. It’s clear you’re working hard on this and are trying to find your writing feet and a style that suits you. I’ve done similar, had too much narrative and then cut it back too far the other way before settling on what I think is a working style. So too lean for me, I needed more of you the storyteller to carry me forward. Good luck with your experiments on finding your voice, which I’m sure you will succeed at.

 

[Colbey Frost]

Hey Ronin,

I liked it, and so I had a look at it. For me, the content is there and so is the feeling, but it's all jumbled up and in need of an edit and a re-shuffle. Below is how I feel the story should've been structered. I added no words, all I did was delete some adverbs, maybe some bits we didn't need to know, and put them in an order that might help with the opening.

'Immediately after the last line of this opening, we begin getting into the meat of the story.' why does the story start after the opening line instead of with it? I've tried to solve this issue for you with the below edit.

-----------------
Ruth began to sob. That woeful sound cut into my soul, far deeper than I should have allowed, and in wretched silence I pulled them both closer. The quiet sobs continued, but gradually lessened and faded away. I hugged my wife and son, trying to conserve the heat that struggled to reach us from the rusty stove. They gazed into the ancient cauldron, as if they looked upon the majesty of God Himself.

“Daddy? Is everybody dead?”

I had long since given up lying to my son. There was no point. “Yes, Daniel.”

“Everybody in the world?”

“Probably, buddy. But if we’re still alive, there’s hope that others survived, too. There’s always hope. Don’t ever forget that.”

I began to pray then, though I must confess it was born more of desperation than of faith, but I was interrupted by Daniel’s frantic cry.

“Daddy! It’s going out!”

“It’s okay, buddy. I’ll get it.”

Ruth pulled Daniel closer to her as I stood, wrapping the blanket tighter around them.

“But there’s no more, Daddy! You told Mommy the trees are useless!”

I started to counter, but the response died on my lips. There was no point.

 

[Ivanya]

“Probably, buddy. But if we’re still alive, there’s hope that others survived, too. There’s always hope. Don’t ever forget that.”

It's after this point that I feel you might benefit from adding a little bit about the setting. It doesn't need to be a lot, just a few lines describing the room they're in so that it doesn't feel like three actors on an empty stage with nothing more than a stove. It'd help give some atmosphere.

They gazed into the ancient cauldron, as if they looked upon the majesty of God Himself.

The majesty of God himself part, as someone else mentioned, seems too dramatic. I understand what you're going for, but I'd reconsider it.

As for the rest, you have your hook, you've got your characters introduced, just be careful not to let the father's reassurances to his son sound too corny. I'm curious to know what happens next =]

 

[Cosmic Geoff]

“Daddy? Is everybody dead? Esther and Joshua and the others?”

“Yes, Daniel.”

I had long since given up lying to my son. There was no point.

“Everybody in the world?”

I heard the whimper, and tried not to let it affect me. There was no point.

“Probably, buddy. But if we’re still alive, there’s hope that others survived, too. There’s always hope. Don’t ever forget that.”

Ruth began to sob next to me, her attempt to hide it from our son’s innocent inquisitiveness failing. That woeful sound cut into my soul, far deeper than I should have allowed, and in wretched silence I pulled them both closer to me. The quiet sobs continued, but gradually lessened and faded away. I hugged my wife and son tightly, trying to conserve the heat that struggled to reach us from the rusty stove. They merely gazed reverently into the ancient cauldron, as if they looked upon the majesty of God Himself. "The ancient cauldron" seems a bit sprung on us, and I'm struggling to imagine what is going on. It can't mean the stove in some metaphoric way??

Which, I thought to myself, they will. Sooner rather than later, I think.

I began to pray then, though I must confess it was born more of desperation than of faith. I don’t know how long I sat there, locked in my monologue with the Almighty inside my mind, but it was eventually interrupted by Daniel’s frantic cry.

“Daddy! It’s going out!”

“It’s okay, buddy. I’ll get it.”
It took me a long time to realise that these two lines are referring to the fire in the stove. Should be clearer.
Ruth pulled Daniel closer to her as I stood, wrapping the blanket tighter around them.

“But there’s no more, Daddy! You told Mommy the trees are useless!”
As above, I found this opaque. I presume it means that the trees are no good as firewood.
I started to counter, but the response died on my lips. There was no point.

The opening, with just dialogue, seems a bit disembodied to me. And there were several lines I could not make sense of at all, till I read Christian's post, and it finally clicked. "No more firewood" might clarify it.
Are those names meant to have Biblical connotations? They didn't have stoves in BC, though.

 

[Tecdavid]

“Daddy? Is everybody dead? Esther and Joshua and the others?”

“Yes, Daniel.”

I had long since given up lying to my son. There was no point. This line, of course, is good for letting us know who this scene is following. But although it implies the PoV character feels negatively about the situation, the dialogue that comes before it lacks that important negativity. It read to me as though there wasn't much emotion. But maybe that's just the way I'm looking at it, since we can apply any voice/tone we want to that opening dialogue.

“Everybody in the world?”

I heard the whimper, and tried not to let it affect me. There was no point. The whimpering and sense of hopelessness the PoV character conveys make up for that initial lack of emotion, though.

“Probably, buddy. But if we’re still alive, there’s hope that others survived, too. There’s always hope. Don’t ever forget that.”

Ruth began to sob next to me, her attempt to hide it from our son’s innocent inquisitiveness failing. That woeful sound cut into my soul, far deeper than I should have allowed, and in wretched silence I pulled them both closer to me. The quiet sobs continued, but gradually lessened and faded away. I hugged my wife and son tightly, trying to conserve the heat that struggled to reach us from the rusty stove. They merely gazed reverently into the ancient cauldron, as if they looked upon the majesty of God Himself. This is a lot more powerful -- I like it! I don't yet know what's happening, exactly, and not knowing can make it hard for a reader to be drawn in, but I do get the fact something dreadful has occurred.

Which, I thought to myself, they will. Sooner rather than later, I think. I think "Which they will, I thought. Soon rather than later." Would read better.

I began to pray then, though I must confess it was born more of desperation than of faith. I don’t know how long I sat there, locked in my monologue with the Almighty inside my mind, but it was eventually interrupted by Daniel’s frantic cry.

“Daddy! It’s going out!”

“It’s okay, buddy. I’ll get it.”

Ruth pulled Daniel closer to her as I stood, wrapping the blanket tighter around them.

“But there’s no more, Daddy! You told Mommy the trees are useless!”

I started to counter, but the response died on my lips. There was no point.

Well, the initial lack of emotion I felt at the beginning was done away with entirely by the end. It's all very stirring, I think. As i said, the fact the reader doesn't know exactly what's happened does make it a little harder to fully invest oneself in the scene, but I understand you've likely done it this way on purpose, to keep a sense of suspense and curiosity going. And it does, at that. Me, I've had a world of trouble making an opening clear while also keeping it unsettling.

 

[BookerBrin]

So my question is simple - does it draw you in? Do you learn enough about these people to give a crap, and to want to know more?

Greatly looking forward to the comments, so here we go!



“Daddy? Is everybody dead? Esther and Joshua and the others?”

“Yes, Daniel.”

I had long since given up lying to my son. There was no point.

“Everybody in the world?”

I heard the whimper, and tried not to let it affect me. There was no point. I actually like this repetition, however, I think one of these first two could go, as both of them within a couple of lines is too much. Keep one and keep the one at the end. It ties in nicely.

“Probably, buddy. But if we’re still alive, there’s hope that others survived, too. There’s always hope. Don’t ever forget that.” I particularly like this. It shows the character of the protagonist -- he's keeping a positive spin on things, even at the 'end of the world' scenario you have.

Ruth began to sob next to me, There's this 'began to,' here, and there's another 'began to' in the next paragraph down. Try have something that is more active. i.e., Ruth sobbed next to me... (or something similar.) her attempt to hide it from our son’s innocent inquisitiveness failing. That woeful sound cut into my soul, far deeper than I should have allowed, and in wretched silence I pulled them both closer to me. The quiet sobs continued, but gradually lessened and faded away. I hugged my wife and son tightly, trying to conserve the heat that struggled to reach us from the rusty stove. They merely gazed reverently into the ancient cauldron, as if they looked upon the majesty of God Himself.

Which, I thought to myself, they will. Sooner rather than later, I think.

I began to pray then, I prayed. though I must superflous word. confess it was born more of desperation than of faith. I don’t know how long I sat there, locked in my monologue with the Almighty inside my mind, but it was eventually interrupted by Daniel’s frantic cry.

“Daddy! It’s going out!”

“It’s okay, buddy. I’ll get it.”

Ruth pulled Daniel closer to her as I stood, wrapping the blanket tighter around them. Sort out what's happening here. Ruth pulled Daniel closer. You stood. She wrapped the blanket tighter. What about. Ruth pulled Daniel closer, wrapping the blanket tighter around them. I stood -- or I stood. Ruth pulled Daniel closer to her, wrapping the blanket tighter around them. (or something like this. It doesn't break the continuity of what's happening.

“But there’s no more, Daddy! You told Mommy the trees are useless!”

I started to counter, but the response died on my lips. There was no point.

To answer your questions:

Does it draw me in? Yes. I liked this introduction. I particularly enjoyed the dialogue. It didn't confuse me in the slightest.

Did I learn enough about these people? I've learned enough about (a) the story, and (b) the author's writing that makes me think this could be a good story, so...

Did I want to know more? Yes. I would read on.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

How old is the son? I felt the dialogue was a bit grown up for someone calling his father, Daddy?

It also felt like Ruth came out of nowhere.

I think you could do with a bit at the very beginning (just a sentence or two) to set the scenes, where he is and who he is with. Some indication as to his son's age.

 

[RoninJedi84]

Thanks very much for the input, everyone. Looks like I did (as Bowler1 said) over-correct the style too far the other direction. I'll keep plugging away and figure out how to make it work. Thanks again!

 

[tinkerdan]

Hi Roninjedi84,

I like this and would read more, but as has been mentioned this is a lot of dialogue. Not much narrative and I understand that this comes out of paring things down.

It might also be a by product of caution about 1st person since narrative in first person can become dominated by the I. Because there is not much narrative here we don't see too much of the I's and the most difficult part with those is when they start showing up at the beginning of each sentence, which they like to do.

Anyway, a little more balance between narrative and dialogue would be an improvement but as I said this caught my attention.

 

[cgsmith]

“But there’s no more, Daddy! You told Mommy the trees are useless!”

The second half of this piece of dialogue really stuck out at me. I thought it was really good because it imediatly set my imagination going, I mean how can trees even be useless for burning, contamination? Frost? There are so many posibilitys, hopefully not a normal one.

Only issue I have with it is that if the trees are useless then what is there no more of? Is the end of the world disaster so recent that they still had, up until that point, a pile of good wood, or is it later and they have just depleted their vast stores of it? Or are they burning the furniture or something else to keep warm. I think its a little confusing although I will point out that when I first read it I went right by it, so I may just be being pedantic and these concerns are all explained away in the following text.



Otherwise, I think more clues are in order, you are describing a very well worn situation in fiction and maybe you need to have the unique selling point right out on display or hinted at.