Another Dialogue Question

[stephen.samuels]

So I've been really trying to make my dialogue more organic, more like an actual conversation which people would have as opposed to an elaborate way of dumping information. (The holy grail I know!)

So whats everyone think about the use of commas and repeated phrases like this:

"No, no it isn’t! Tell me now Jin, what is going on?”

or

"No, no, I mean, well I don't know, this is just too much to take in."

I'm using this device as means of trying to convey uncertainty, characters being under pressure etc. But this really isn't my strong suit so I wanted some advice.

I could give a more detailed example if that would help?

 

[Abernovo]

The first one reads okay to me. You could, perhaps, have a full stop after the first no, but it depends upon the scene.

The second sentence flounders, for me. Too many commas. I cannot believe I, of all people, just wrote that. I'm a comma addict.

Purely an option, but would this work?
"No. No, I mean...well, I don't know...this is just too much to take in."

It's up to you, and every sentence is different. I have a character called Jin as well.

 

[Jester85]

Dialogue writing isn't my strong suit either, but to me they sound a little overdramatic.

 

[stephen.samuels]

The first one reads okay to me. You could, perhaps, have a full stop after the first no, but it depends upon the scene.

The second sentence flounders, for me. Too many commas. I cannot believe I, of all people, just wrote that. I'm a comma addict.

Purely an option, but would this work?
"No. No, I mean...well, I don't know...this is just too much to take in."

It's up to you, and every sentence is different. I have a character called Jin as well.

Oh my character called Jin is one of my favourites. Is your Jin a main character? The examples I put up are hypothetical and not taken from myWIP. I like what you've done there though.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

What they are doing whilst speaking will convey the message as much, if not more so than the words. If I was writing it would probably go like this (I'll use my character rather than mess with yours). It's very rough.

Ian ran his hand through his hair until it stood up in every known direction and a few that had yet to be discovered. "No... No... well..." He pushed his spectacles back up his nose with his forefinger. "I don't know... I mean... this is just too much." He flung his hands up in surrender. "How is one supposed to deal with this?" For a brief moment he contemplated smashing Wilf's face in but he drove his fist into the wall instead.

What was even more galling was the way Wilf stood there, passively taking everything.

 

[tinkerdan]

Hi stephen.samuels,

If you use only dialogue you are relying on the dialogue to give the reader a picture of what your character is doing at the moment. That actually could constrain what your trying to say into a rigid format or bring something dynamic into the piece.

With at least some narrative giving body language you are more free to make it sound natural.

Either way an easy way to tell is to read the dialogue aloud because that will tell you right away how natural it sounds. And in a case where you have a clear picture of your character it will tell you if that sounds like that character.

It also helps sort out when you need contractions that don't show up so clearly when you first draft the piece.

 

[stephen.samuels]

Hi

Firstly thank you for your feedback, I would just say that I do use a lot of description in dialogue. I just wanted to keep my example short and sweet not like a crit.

But I'll expand the example a bit:

“Ok,” Jin said, turning to walk away.

“Jin wait," Lisanna called, reaching out to him.

Jin stopped and turned his head, “yes?”

Lisanna leaned a little closer to Jin, “why did you think Janus was dead?”

The snowflakes swirled in Jin’s eyes, “because; he never came home,” he said.

 

[Mouse]

I hope that's not an actual piece from your WiP, Stephen? It's too stage-directiony. Jin did this, Lisanna did that. Also, your dialogue punctuation isn't correct. You'd need a full stop where you've put a comma on those last three.

Your first two in the original post read fine to me, but you need a comma before Jin's name.

I love dialogue and write as much as possible! I always tend to make at least one of my characters a right chatterbox so I can write random waffle.

 

[stephen.samuels]

I hope that's not an actual piece from your WiP, Stephen? It's too stage-directiony. Jin did this, Lisanna did that. Also, your dialogue punctuation isn't correct. You'd need a full stop where you've put a comma on those last three.

Your first two in the original post read fine to me, but you need a comma before Jin's name.

I love dialogue and write as much as possible! I always tend to make at least one of my characters a right chatterbox so I can write random waffle.

No it is scribble, however that stage-directionary is a thing I can stray into at times.

 

[tinkerdan]

The last example has some style choices I'm not comfortable with though it is a step in a moderate direction toward blending dialogue and narrative.

Jin stopped and turned his head, “yes?”

I would normally see that as :

Jin stopped and turned his head. "Yes?"

In the absence of any defined dialogue tag a full stop period.

 

[ralphkern]

Embarrassing admission. When faced with this kind of conundrum I've acted out the parts like a mad man in my house including gestures etc. Maybe it would help if you do that. If you really want to go nuts I suppose you could record it on your phone and listen to decide which sounds better ( no I havn't reached that stage yet!)

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Embarrassing admission. When faced with this kind of conundrum I've acted out the parts like a mad man in my house including gestures etc. Maybe it would help if you do that. If you really want to go nuts I suppose you could record it on your phone and listen to decide which sounds better ( no I havn't reached that stage yet!)

Oh, dear. I did. Long ago. I even do it walking down the street. I'm hoping for a kooky look rather than downright odd.

 

[stephen.samuels]

Thanks for the replies, the grammar points are especially useful.

 

[Ursa major]

Oh, dear. I did. Long ago. I even do it walking down the street. I'm hoping for a kooky look rather than downright odd.

At least we can now pretend we're using a hands-free phone.


But the point of doing it this way (even if the words and gestures remain firmly within one's skull) is that one can put oneself in the shoes of those speaking and say what they would (given what they know and feel, and want to say, and want to avoid saying, depending on whom they're talking with).

This doesn't just make for more realistic dialogue, it helps in avoiding info-dumping, because real people don't tend to info-dump when they're talking. Okay, bores might, but then why would one include bores in one's cast of characters (except for particular reasons)?

.

 

[stephen.samuels]

Its just matter of practice but this thread has been useful.

 

[sallyember]

Hi,

Here are my suggestions: Subdivide the dialog, as I've shown or thereabouts. Then, put in descriptions of body language, temperature or weather changes, ambient noise observations, emotional states, of either the listener or the speaker to help you break up the speaking parts without resorting to endless punctuation. Also, these additions fill in the character, setting, circumstances appropriately.

Some examples, below.

"No, no! It isn’t!" She put her hands on her hips and stared at him, defiantly.
"Tell me now, Jin. What is going on?” She dared him to refuse, stepping so close to him that he had to step back or forcibly stand his ground.
Sweat dripped down each side of his forehead as he considered his options.

or

"No, no." She paused so long he became aware of the noisy trucks rumbling by and the breeze blowing in through the open window, ruffling her bangs.
"I mean..." He watched her bangs flutter and waited, patiently. One of the trucks sounded its horn, startling her into speaking, again.
"Well, I don't know..." She stopped, again, holding up her hands to signal surrendering to her ignorance.
"This is just too much to take in." She dropped her hands in her lap and refused to look him in the eye.

Best to you!

 

[stephen.samuels]

Thanks sally those are really good examples