That darn muse.... Hooky? 120 words

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Jo Zebedee

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I had a new idea. Which is a pity cos I have my hands full with the last four. Anyway, it is parked but keeps sneaking out to entice me, and I wondered if the concept hooked. Doubtless this will change, but this is the very first draft of the start and the atmosphere I'm trying to lay, and I'm just wondering does it intrigue?

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The snow fell from the warm summer sky, wreathing the Michaelmas daisies in white, turning the tomatoes to soft pom-poms that would rot, frost-bitten, and die. The temperature fell as the thick flakes coated our garden, covered our car, spread down the street and into the city.

I mouthed the last words of enchantment, my nose pressed to the glass, and waited until he pushed his way through the garden gate and ducked under heavy tendrils of snow-draped honeysuckle. His dark eyes met mine, drawn to me, and his lips parted, red against pale skin.

I clapped my hands, delighted. A Snow Mage to command, all of my own. I hardly knew where to start.
 
Doesn't quite float my boat, but maybe that's cos I don't feel as grounded in it as I usually do with your stuff. Hard to tell with a little snippet. I'm not massively keen on the blokey - dark eyes, pale skin, red lips.

Well written though and I'd read on.
 
A very urban fairy tale and enchanting opening.

The only thing that threw it for me was the 'Michaelmas' part. Call me a flower philistine but I didn't know whether was any difference between them and regular daisies and had to google them.

For me, I don't mind that, but from another thread I posted on it seemed the consensus didn't like having to look up stuff.
 
Doesn't quite float my boat, but maybe that's cos I don't feel as grounded in it as I usually do with your stuff. Hard to tell with a little snippet. I'm not massively keen on the blokey - dark eyes, pale skin, red lips.

Well written though and I'd read on.

I wonder if it's cos it's in first person? It might not stay that way, it depends where the story goes.

A very urban fairy tale and enchanting opening.

The only thing that threw it for me was the 'Michaelmas' part. Call me a flower philistine but I didn't know whether was any difference between them and regular daisies and had to google them.

For me, I don't mind that, but from another thread I posted on it seemed the consensus didn't like having to look up stuff.

Good point, I like gardening so might be pushing too much detail in there. Thanks.
 
If I read it from the second paragraph, ignoring the first, I like it a lot more. The only thing that seems off is describing the Snow Mage as just "he" when looking out the window, maybe just outright say it's a Snow Mage from the start as this would bring a sense of wonder anyway?

Also, clapped hands, is this a young character? If it is, 'hardly knew where to start' doesn't ring true for me, if a young character, surely they'd want to be having some fun, or knew why they were creating it in the first place (even if they just wanted to ride the damn thing!) but clapped hands makes me think pretty young. So for me, 'he' and 'hardly knew where to start' are vague, but I don't know if that's just my own personal taste or not, that's for you to decide :D
 
I like it, and I also read it as a very young voice... The last line makes me see an excited youngster, oohing at what she's done, because I read it as a breathless: "I hardly knew where to start". A bit like opening a massive box of chocolates...:) Treats in store!
 
My grandma used to clap her hands and I could see her doing this.

I like the second paragraph as the first but I do appreciate the first because that almost describes whats going on here these days.

Pretty good hook for me though and I tend to shy away from these types of stories.
 
The snow fell from the warm summer sky, wreathing the Michaelmas daisies in white, turning the tomatoes to soft pom-poms that would rot, frost-bitten, and die. The temperature fell as the thick flakes coated our garden, covered our car, spread down the street and into the city.

Eww! Pom-poms! I can see the mold growth... Great Imagery. Less purple, more grey, if you know what I mean. :D
 
The end of it sounds like it starts veering into romantic-fantasy, which doesn't really grab me much. The snow in summer wonder at the beginning is a nice hook though. There's a nice almost slipstream feel to the first paragraph.
 
It's a nice piece - slightly purple style perhaps, but effective nonetheless.

Oooh, purple. My descriptive powers must be improving. :D

Eww! Pom-poms! I can see the mold growth... Great Imagery. Less purple, more grey, if you know what I mean. :D

Thank you! :)

The end of it sounds like it starts veering into romantic-fantasy, which doesn't really grab me much. The snow in summer wonder at the beginning is a nice hook though. There's a nice almost slipstream feel to the first paragraph.

No, I can't see it becoming romantic fantasy, though I wouldn't rule it out, but I don't normally end in conventional romance -in fact, I usually end up a liitle dark. (I could end up with yet another sex scene, though. Ewwww. :eek:) but the summer/snow is useful as, technically, starting with the weather is a no-no, but I hoped it would set a hook.
 
I like it, and I also read it as a very young voice... The last line makes me see an excited youngster, oohing at what she's done, because I read it as a breathless: "I hardly knew where to start". A bit like opening a massive box of chocolates...:) Treats in store!

This - if it is a piece of junior fiction it is great. I quite like the first paragraph but I'm experimenting with a similar style right now.
 
Springs, I LOVE the opening paragraph!!! Such a beautiful voice with details that conjure great images. It's got a sort of wistful quality, very beautiful. I don't find it purple, I find it very well written, with just the right amount of words saying what they need to.

I must admit, however, that I too struggled to determine the POV's age, and thought the novel was about to turn into a romance. I think it was because you describe the man's appearance rather than some unique imagery that screams "snow mage". Maybe make her first impression about that instead - details that really capture our imagination and interest in what a snow mage is, yet keeping the part about their eyes meeting, because I always believe that's a powerful moment when done right.

Hope this helps. :)


Edit: Oh, and I know people say not to start with the weather, and that's true in 99% of cases, but if done well it can really work. I chanced a start like that in one of my short stories, and somehow it got picked up by a leading small press (so they obviously don't mind it in some cases). It's all about setting the scene effectively and creating an instant atmosphere, I think, and here you've done that brilliantly... (IMO)
 
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Oh, and I know people say not to start with the weather, and that's true in 99% of cases

I'd say don't start with the weather unless it's crucial to th story. Sounds like it will be here.

Springs, it's very well written, although a little purple for me as well. If you mentioned the character first, then her observations about the snow, that would ground the POV more.

Sounding more pro every day!
 
Maybe he's the one with the plans! It could go so wrong :D

I don't think he's the innocent abroad portrayed here. :D

I'd say don't start with the weather unless it's crucial to th story. Sounds like it will be here.

Springs, it's very well written, although a little purple for me as well. If you mentioned the character first, then her observations about the snow, that would ground the POV more.

Sounding more pro every day!

Ooh, thanks. The fiver is in the post. ;)
 
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