Awkward paragraph

[AnyaKimlin]

Does this work? It's making my eyes bleed. In particular the bit after the semicolon in the first paragraph. Tyke is Oliver. It's in the POV of his great-grandfather who calls him Tyke. I'd love to get rid of the "might as well have been" without losing the rest of it.

“I’m fine. Better get Oliver home.” He picked up the baby bucket with his son in it; the lack of care and interaction he showed Tyke he might as well have been lugging a sack of potatoes around…

… and yet again Ian bit back his response. But when Harley went to go past the door to the back room he spoke up. “Shouldn’t you say hello to Beanie?”

 

[Ursa major]

“I’m fine. Better get Oliver home.” He picked up the baby bucket with his son in it; the lack of care and interaction he showed Tyke he might as well have been lugging a sack of potatoes around…

First of all, you may have trouble with this because there may be a word missing:

“I’m fine. Better get Oliver ho me.” He picked up the baby bucket with his son in it; given the lack of care and interaction he showed Tyke, he might as well have been lugging a sack of potatoes around…

If you want to remove the 'might as well have been', you could try:

“I’m fine. Better get Oliver home.” He picked up the baby bucket with his son in it as if it was a sack of potatoes…

 

[Pyan]

How about a simple switcharound, and one word change?

“I’m fine. Better get Oliver home.” He picked up the baby bucket with his son in it; he might as well have been lugging a sack of potatoes around for the amount of care and interaction he showed Tyke

And did you want to alter the second one as well?

… and yet again Ian bit back his response. But as Harley was passing the door to the back room he spoke up. “Shouldn’t you say hello to Beanie?”

 

[AnyaKimlin]

Not sure it is one of those times when the paragraph says what I want but it doesn't feel right.

I'm liking
“I’m fine. Better get Oliver home.” He picked up the baby bucket with the same care and attention he would give a sack of potatoes…

Much cleaner. Suggestions on second paragraph welcome. I think I want to keep the ellipses at least until I edit it properly.

 

[jastius]

???
baby bucket? this must be a british expression. right now i am reading it as he stuck his grandson in the mop bucket? that can't be right...unless, is it something to do with those pictures of babies in flowerpots?

anyways, how about this word for exceedingly careless behavior. slubberdegullion.
to wit...
slubber
v. - stain, sully; do carelessly. slubberdegullion, n. archaic, slovenly person.

don't you love these words that give spell-check utter catfits?

 

[AnyaKimlin]

???
baby bucket? this must be a british expression. right now i am reading it as he stuck his grandson in the mop bucket? that can't be right...unless, is it something to do with those pictures of babies in flowerpots?

A baby car seat with a handle - I've called it a car seat previously.

 

[jastius]

got it.. i have heard them called rockers and cradles but that is a new one.

just wondering if ian was possibly a little demure and understated in this. he just seems to have a bit more verve usually.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

He's trying not to say anything. I decided it was more realistic if he knew Harley was being abused but had decided not to say anything or had given up saying anything. Throughout the exchange he's bitten back what he wants to say.

There's a lot with Harley's father having committed suicide and he blames Ian for it. But you have me wondering.

Maybe "Say hello to Beanie" or "Don't forget Beanie." might be more Ian, less polite.

 

[jastius]

i really think ian is the type to poke the tiger with a stick to see what happens and not be too concerned if he gets a punch in the face for it. ian knows something is up but he's not sure. and harley isn't telling. unless he is getting soft?

 

[AnyaKimlin]

I think with anyone else he would be. But he poked the tiger with Mikey, Harley's father and Harley's father ended up dead. Ian also blames himself for Mikey's death. There are two people Ian walks on eggshells around - his mother and Harley.

I tried it with Ian not knowing what was up but that felt less realistic. He's not that stupid. However I have taken your views on board and this now comes next --

“If you don’t do something about this situation I will.” Ian couldn’t hold back anymore. “Do you really want to lose those boys?” His voice contained a a venom he hadn’t intended and Harley recoiled.

“Sarah is expecting me home. She’s not going to be happy if I’m late.” The confident forensic pathologist that had entered the house was doing his best to appear small. He held on to the handle of the car seat with both hands and bowed his head; for the first time since he arrived he was actually looking at Tyke. His voice dropped to a whisper. “She’s already angry about George staying the night here.”

“Harley, I hate sitting here waiting for the phone call that tells me she’s killed you. Or the boys.” Ian reached out and touched Harley’s back. Harley winced in pain at the slight touch. “Painkillers wearing off?”

 

[jastius]

harley is turning into a salamander, a bit isn't he..? he is willing to let people take pieces of him instead of having to confront them. but salamanders are venomous creatures, they will infect everything around them with poison. and it can explode out of these supposedly passive creatures suddenly..
it happens when, for all that the salamander will give up, give away; when its tormentors reach that point, that piece that is non-negotiable, they venomously attack..

ian is attacking harley there, but it is actually harley that is using ian to attack. harley expects ian to attack. harley needs ian to attack.. there is something that harley needs ian to do and this is the start of it.

sorry anya.. tend to run off at the mouth a bit.. just trying to figure it out in my head.

anyways i really like the energy and inferences in this exchange.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

Actually it is a rather lovely summing up of Harley's place in the story . He's not a nice character at all. I'm still weighing up whether or not to keep him if there is a sequel. I'm now wondering how to use your imagery. (I'm not proud I steal ideas from everyone.)

In fact next paragraph it is very quietly done but what you say Harley needs Ian to do gets done.

 

[Dean F. Wilson]

“I’m fine. Better get Oliver home.” He picked up the baby bucket with his son in it; the lack of care and interaction he showed Tyke he might as well have been lugging a sack of potatoes around…

I think the line about the baby bucket reads a little awkwardly. Is "baby bucket" the official term? Maybe it is called something else, like a "carrier"? I'm no expert, so just throwing some ideas out there. It might also not be necessary to point out that his son is in it, as it would be implied.

The part after the semicolon needs something before the sentence begins. I think it would also read better as a separate sentence. A potential rewrite:

“I’m fine. Better get Oliver home.” He picked up the baby bucket. With the lack of care and interaction he showed Tyke, he might as well have been lugging a sack of potatoes around.

-D