Approx 450 words. WWII fantasy beginning

[JoanDrake]

He took a long pull of the wine. He thought of home as he did so. He remembered the smell of ginger and grapes while he had drank wine for the first time in his life, given him by his grandmother to help him sleep one Christmas night. He was so tired. He began to drift off, dreaming of how much he had wanted Santa to come, long years ago.


He heard the jingle bells on Santa’s sleigh, funny how they were so much like the clanking of the treads on a Tiger tank.

The thought jerked him awake and he looked up just in time to see the unmistakable outline of the 88 mm cannon against the cloudy night sky as the juggernaut was about to roll over him. Without thinking, he dived under it.


He found himself in a maelstrom of sound and flying dirt, the din of the the unmuffled diesel and the clanking treads nearly deafening. How had it gotten so close while being so loud? He bent nearly double and moved along underneath the huge vehicle, an amazingly uncomfortable way to walk and especially while trying to observe both treads at once in near total darkness, acutely aware of what he'd heard the Germans did periodically to prevent what he was doing.


He noticed it soon enough. One tread stopped and the other sped up. As the motionless tread went into reverse and then began to swing towards him he leaped up and caught onto one of the torsion bars spanning the tanks underside. He screamed as loudly as he could, trying to imitate how a man might greet the prospect of being crushed by 75 tons of armored steel as the behemoth swung on its axis; trying to do just that.


It kept on doing this for five terrifying seconds, making him scream for real at the horrible thought that it was trying to somehow screw it's vast armored bulk into the soft ground. Then abruptly, it all stopped. At least the motion and the flying dirt did. It hesitated, engine idling for a few seconds, then the diesel revved and it began to move forward again.


“Try to kill me, will you?” he muttered out loud as he reached inside his jacket. He found the limpet mine, pulled it forth and armed it all in one motion, just as he’d been taught, then slammed it up onto the tank’s underside and dropped off. The next second dirt was no longer being thrown on him and the sound of clanking treads was moving on.


He rolled to one side and, noting that he was on a raised area, kept right on rolling down the slope. The most terrific explosion he had heard yet in this war suddenly seemed to tear the very air asunder as he fetched up at the bottom in a mud puddle. He instinctively curled into a fetal ball, at the same time trying desperately to somehow burrow into the hill, as dirt, hot metal and someone’s arm showered down to cover him


____________________________
(please excuse me if this is not how a limpet mine works)

 

[Ivanya]

He took a long pull of the wine. He thought of home as he did so. He remembered the smell of ginger and grapes while he had drank wine for the first time in his life, given him by his grandmother to help him sleep one Christmas night. He was so tired. He began to drift off, dreaming of how much he had wanted Santa to come, long years ago.

This whole first paragraph was full of really stunted feeling sentences, and it felt like often you should have used commas instead of full stops to avoid it being so jerky. In contrast, one long sentence in the middle seems really out of place...

'He recalled the smell of ginger and grapes the first time he'd tasted wine, his grandmother's trick to get him off to sleep one Christmas night.'

Still kinda long, but slightly more concise, could definitely be further improved.

He found himself in a maelstrom of sound and flying dirt, the din of the the unmuffled diesel and the clanking treads nearly deafening. How had it gotten so close while being so loud? He bent nearly double and moved along underneath the huge vehicle, an amazingly uncomfortable way to walk and especially while trying to observe both treads at once in near total darkness, acutely aware of what he'd heard the Germans did periodically to prevent what he was doing.

Very much like the description in that first sentence, nice and gritty. Last sentence is really, really long though, and you have 'the' twice, highlighted here in red.

He screamed as loudly as he could, trying to imitate how a man might greet the prospect of being crushed by 75 tons of armored steel as the behemoth swung on its axis; trying to do just that.

Think you might want to switch that out for a comma.

He rolled to one side and, noting that he was on a raised area, kept right on rolling down the slope. The most terrific explosion he had heard yet in this war suddenly seemed to tear the very air asunder as he fetched up at the bottom in a mud puddle. He instinctively curled into a fetal ball, at the same time trying desperately to somehow burrow into the hill, as dirt, hot metal and someone’s arm showered down to cover him

An explosion that loud would probably have left him with hearing issues. Maybe make some mention of that, even if the effects are only temporary. I think the severed arm might be a bit much.

Overall, I liked the scene. It would be pretty damn terrifying, and there'd be enough there to keep me reading if the general flow of the piece improved.

 

[Victoria Silverwolf]

He took a long pull of the wine. (Maybe this is just me, but I seem to see a LOT of story excerpts where the viewpoint character is never named after several paragraphs. Unless you are deliberately writing one of those stories or novels where characters never have names [which is possible] I would mention it pretty quickly, maybe even in the first sentence.) He thought of home as he did so. He remembered the smell of ginger and grapes while he had drank ("when he drank" would be better) wine for the first time in his life, given him by his grandmother to help him sleep one Christmas night. (Nice sensory details, and I don't think this sentence is too long at all, nor are the other sentences too short. The contrast is good.) He was so tired. ("So" seems like an empty word here. "He was tired" would be enough. Otherwise, say something like "He was so tired that [whatever]") He began to drift off, dreaming of how much he had wanted Santa to come, long years ago.


He heard the jingle bells on Santa’s sleigh, (I would start a new sentence here) funny how they were so much like the clanking of the treads on a Tiger tank. (Nice ironic contrast, nice sensory images.)

The thought jerked him awake and (I would delter "and" and start a new sentence.) he looked up just in time to see the unmistakable outline of the (seems odd to say "the" unless the viewpoint character was already aware of a specific one. I would think "an" would make more sense here.) 88 mm cannon against the cloudy night sky as the juggernaut (I know nothing at all about miltary stuff, so I was not clear if the cannon was "the juggernaut" or if it was being carried on something. [Later I figure out it's on a tank.] Maybe something like "as a tank [or some specific kind of German tank] was about to roll over him like a juggernaut.")was about to roll over him. Without thinking, he dived under it.


He found himself in a maelstrom of sound and flying dirt, the din of the the unmuffled diesel and the clanking treads nearly deafening. How had it gotten so close while being so loud? (A little awkward, and we already know it's loud. I think you could stop at "close.") He bent nearly double and moved along (I'd delete "along") underneath the huge vehicle, an amazingly (I'd delete "amazingly" uncomfortable way to walk and (I'd delete "and" and add a comma) especially while trying to observe ("observe" is a little weak; maybe something like "trying to avoid getting crushed by the monster's treads") both treads at once in near total darkness, acutely aware of what he'd heard the Germans did periodically to prevent what he was doing. (The rest of this sentence, starting with "acutely," is very confusing, even given the next paragraph. We need something stronger and clearer here. Something like "He knew that the driver of the tank would soon be changing direction, trying to crush him like a bug.")


He noticed it soon enough. (I'd delete that sentence as not adding anything.) One tread stopped and the other sped up. As the motionless tread went into reverse and then began to swing towards him (This is a very tense, action-filled scene, so we need mostly short, hard-hitting sentences. I'd say something like "The motionless tread went into reverse and began to swing towards him.") he leaped ("leapt") up and caught onto (Maybe "grabbed" instead.) one of the torsion bars spanning the tank's underside. He screamed as loudly as he could, trying to imitate how a man might greet the prospect of being crushed by 75 tons of armored steel as the behemoth swung on its axis; trying to do just that. (Wordy sentence; I'd suggest something like "He screamed as loudly as he could, trying to sound like a man being crushed by 75 tons of armored steel." In particular, "trying to do just that" adds nothing.)


It kept on doing this (weak and not 100% clear; need something like "The tank carried him like a broken doll for five terrifying seconds", then end sentence.) for five terrifying seconds, making him scream for real (Maybe something like "His feigned screams became real") at the horrible thought that it was trying to somehow screw it's (Pet peeve: "it's" always means "it is" and "its" always means "belonging to it.) vast armored bulk into the soft ground. Then (I'd delete "then") abruptly, (I'd delete comma) it all (I'd delete "all') stopped. At least the motion and the flying dirt did. (Awkward. I'd forget about this and just say something like "The idling engine snarled like a hungry beast that has lost track of it prey." and go straight to "The diesel revved") It hesitated, engine idling for a few seconds, then the diesel revved and it (The "it" is confusing here; I'd say "the tank") began to move forward again.


“Try to kill me, will you?” he muttered out loud (if something is "muttered," then by definition it is "out loud." I"m tempted to say just make this a thought in italics and start a new sentence with "He reached")as he reached inside his jacket. He found the limpet mine, pulled it forth ("out" maybe?) and armed it all in one motion, just as he’d been taught, then slammed it up (I'd delete "up") onto the tank’s underside and dropped off. The next second dirt was no longer being thrown on him and the sound of clanking treads was moving on.


He rolled to one side and, noting that he was on a raised area, kept right on rolling down the slope. (Don't normally have to point out what your viewpoint character notices. I would think "He rolled to one side and tumbled down a steep slope" would be enough.) The most terrific explosion he had heard yet in this war suddenly seemed to tear the very air asunder as he fetched up at the bottom in a mud puddle. He instinctively curled into a fetal ball, at the same time (I'd delete "at the same time" as not adding anything) trying desperately to somehow burrow into the hill, as (I'd delete "as" and start new sentence) dirt, hot metal and someone’s arm showered down to cover him.

(Nice grumesome image at the end)

This is a powerful action scene, well-imagined and vivid. It just needs some polishing. Watch out for words you don't need.

 

[ralphkern]

Hey,

Very nice story, I like!

Far better people than me would be able to disect any grammar issues, so I will reserve my Crit to mostly fact checking stuff.

I get the impression that you have your MC bent over double, running underneath the tank, between the two treads. Youve mentioned that it is a Tiger tank, at 75 tons it would likely be the later Tiger 2 but thats no biggie, I'd imagine they would just refer to it as a Tiger anyway. More importantly though, they have a ground clearance of only around half a meter. In other words, no running under it. Not insurmountable, but you might have to relocate your character into a firing hole or scrape etc.

I would imagine over the sound of the engine and especially if the crew were inside that he would not need to scream to mimic someone being squelched. However I, for one, know that I would probably scream in a most ungentlemanly manner being placed in that situation.

I've had a look at WW2 anti-tank tech as I don't think a limpet mine would meet the requirements of the story here. Mines are required to be triggered, normally by pressure or a relatively simple switch. Grenades have a short fuse or a blasting cap. I doubt that he would be able to knock up a timer in seconds. I think what could do it though (fortunetly just a change of words) is a satchel charge.

Basically it's a sack of explosives, you would need around 4kg - 6kg to destroy a tank. Most infantry based stuff is designed to more be about incapactiating a tank than bowing it to smithereens. This means going for the treads or trying to punch through the armour around the engine and damaging that. I doubt that it would have the catastrophic result that you conclude with.

Of course that can be all answered with the fact he has some kind of experimental weapon...

The only other two points I have:

1. I must admit I don't like the way that Santas sleigh segues into a tank... There really is no mistaking the two, even half asleep.

2. The din of unmuffled diesel. I'm still doing some fact checking here, but I can't find anything that says, bizarely to me, that the German tanks ran on anything other than petrol (no wonder they were always short on fuel!). Regardless off that, I think you just need to slip in 'The din of unmuffled diesel (or petrol) engine.' For some reason saying just diesel evokes more smells than sounds to me.

Other than that, and bear in mind I tend to bring in an OCD level of fact checking into my work, which a lot of people think is not neccesary, I love it!

 

[JoanDrake]

Thank you all very much, very helpful and encouraging so far. I hope there are more.


Victoria, it's and its are a pet peeve of mine as well, as knowing the difference actually landed me a job some years ago. HOW did I miss that?

 

[Glisterspeck]

He took a long pull of the wine. He thought of home as he did so. I often advise against participial phrases, but I think this is a great spot for it: He took a long pull of wine, thinking of home as he did so. To me, it needs the stronger connection, and as a bonus, you no longer have your first three sentences starting with he. He remembered the smell of ginger and grapes while I'd go with when instead of while he had drank I think past perfect is drunk? wine for the first time in his life, given him by his grandmother to help him sleep one Christmas night. He was so tired. He began to drift off, dreaming of how much he had wanted Santa to come, long years ago. The timeline blurs a bit more than you want here, I think. Telling us where he is as he begins to drift off would clear things up.


He heard the jingle bells on Santa’s sleigh, this needs to be stronger than a comma. I'd go with a dash, but you could do a semicolon. funny how they were so much like the clanking of the treads on a Tiger tank.

The thought jerked him awake comma (run-on) and he looked up just in time to see the unmistakable outline of the 88 mm cannon against the cloudy night sky I'd go new sentence to start picking up the pace. as the juggernaut was about to roll over him. Without thinking, he dived under it.


He found himself in a maelstrom of sound and flying dirt, the din of the the unmuffled diesel and the clanking treads nearly deafening. How had it gotten so close while being so loud? He bent nearly double and moved along underneath the huge vehicle, an amazingly uncomfortable way to walk and this and should be a comma especially while trying to observe both treads at once in near total darkness, I'd go new sentence. I like the shorter sentences you were using. Shorter is better for action, I think.acutely aware of what he'd heard the Germans did periodically to prevent what he was doing.


He noticed it soon enough. One tread stopped and the other sped up. As the motionless tread went into reverse and then began to swing towards him long introductory clause should equal a comma here he leaped up and caught onto one of the torsion bars spanning the tanks underside. He screamed as loudly as he could, the whole imitate bit seems to be too self conscious for a character in this position trying to imitate how a man might greet the prospect of being crushed by 75 tons of armored steel as the behemoth swung on its axis; trying to do just that.


It kept on doing this for five terrifying seconds I usually like exactitude in storytelling, but here, I think the five seconds would seem much longer. Maybe there's stronger time measure? So and so many beats of his pounding heart is a bit cliche, but you get the idea..., making him scream for real at the horrible thought that it was trying to somehow screw it's vast armored bulk into the soft ground. Then abruptly, You don't need both then and abruptly here. I'd go with then, but either works. it all stopped. At least the motion and the flying dirt did. It hesitated, engine idling for a few seconds, then the diesel revved and it began to move forward again matter of preference, but I'd slide this 'again' here between it and began to leave us with the motion..


“Try to kill me, will you?” he muttered out loud Muttered always makes a sound, I think, though maybe indistinguishable. I'd cut the out loud. as he reached inside his jacket. He found the limpet mine, I'd go full stop here to add a beat. pulled it forth forth seems exceedingly formal given the terser tone of the rest and armed it all in one motion, just as he’d been taught, if you move the all in one motion to an introductory clause of a new sentence (In one motion, he pulled it out... then we'll know it was done in a single motion as we read what is being done. This will be more impressive, AND we won't have to go back and reconjure how he did it after we learn he did it all in one motion. I'd also cut the bit about just as he'd learned to. then slammed it up onto the tank’s underside and dropped off. The next second dirt was no longer being thrown on him and the sound of clanking treads was moving on. This sentence seems a bit awkward. And I'd think it would take the tank more than a second to clear him.


He rolled to one side and, noting that he was on a raised area, kept right on rolling down the slope. The most terrific explosion he had heard yet in this this jars here. I'd say the. war suddenly seemed to tear the very air asunder as he fetched up at the bottom in a mud puddle. "as he fetched up at the bottom in a mud puddle" -- I have no idea what this means? He instinctively curled into a fetalyou can cut fetal here ball, at the same time I think you can cut at the same time here. A participial phrase always means the action is simultaneous, so that bit is redundant. trying desperately to somehow burrow into the hill, as dirt, hot metal and someone’s arm showered down to cover him


____________________________
(please excuse me if this is not how a limpet mine works)

Wow. That's an interesting bit of action. Made me realize I've not really read any WWII fiction. (I have played a ton of WWII FPS games though. Return to Castle Wolfenstein FTW!)

 

[Cosmic Geoff]

He took a long pull of the wine. He thought of home as he did so. He remembered the smell of ginger and grapes while he had drank wine for the first time in his life, given him by his grandmother to help him sleep one Christmas night. He was so tired. He began to drift off, dreaming of how much he had wanted Santa to come, long years ago.
First two short sentences seem clunky, while the third seems over-long.

He heard the jingle bells on Santa’s sleigh, funny how they were so much like the clanking of the treads on a Tiger tank. I wouldn't have thought so.

The thought jerked him awake and he looked up just in time to see the unmistakable outline of the 88 mm cannon against the cloudy night sky as the juggernaut was about to roll over him. Without thinking, He'd be thinking about staying alive, at least he dived under it.


He found himself in a maelstrom of sound and flying dirt, the din of the the unmuffled diesel and the clanking treads nearly deafening. How had it gotten so close while being so loud? He bent nearly double and moved along underneath the huge vehicle, an amazingly uncomfortable way to walk and especially while trying to observe both treads at once in near total darkness, acutely aware of what he'd heard the Germans did periodically to prevent what he was doing.
He'd lie there and wait for it to roll over & above him him, which might take only seconds. V12 petrol engine in rear, has twin rear exhausts which appear to incorporate silencers. ground clearance 500mm (crawl space only)

He noticed it soon enough. One tread stopped and the other sped up. As the motionless tread went into reverse and then began to swing towards him he leaped up and caught onto one of the torsion bars spanning the tanks underside. He screamed as loudly as he could, trying to imitate how a man might greet the prospect of being crushed by 75 tons of armored steel as the behemoth swung on its axis; remove semicolon trying to do just that. Scary!


It kept on doing this for five terrifying seconds, making him scream for real at the horrible thought that it was trying to somehow screw it's vast armored bulk into the soft ground. Then abruptly, it all stopped. At least the motion and the flying dirt did. It hesitated, engine idling for a few seconds, then the diesel revved and it began to move forward again.


“Try to kill me, will you?” he muttered out loud as he reached inside his jacket. He found the limpet mine, pulled it forth and armed it all in one motion, just as he’d been taught, then slammed it up onto the tank’s underside and dropped off. The next second dirt was no longer being thrown on him and the sound of clanking treads was moving on.


He rolled to one side and, noting that he was on a raised area, kept right on rolling down the slope. The most terrific explosion he had heard yet in this war suddenly seemed to tear the very air asunder as he fetched up at the bottom in a mud puddle. He instinctively curled into a fetal ball, at the same time trying desperately to somehow burrow into the hill, as dirt, hot metal and someone’s arm showered down to cover him
Tanks generally did not explode, but commonly caught fire. To disable it from underneath he might try to plant his mine under the engine or fuel tanks (at rear).

____________________________
(please excuse me if this is not how a limpet mine works)

It's a scary story, but some attention to details is required as military buffs will probably check them. How do the tank crew know he is there? The driver would see litle, but if not closed for combat the tank commander would presumably be sat on top looking out of turret hatch. At full cross-country speed the tank would take about 2 seconds to pass over your man.

 

[Mirannan]

I think limpet mines in that era were normally on a timer. Whether the magnets were strong enough to hold them on a moving tank is another issue; they were more often used for anti-ship purposes.

On the same subject, I doubt that a satchel charge would be suitable because affixing it to the bottom of a tank would be chancy at best. A sticky bomb would work better, at doing that.

One more thing; I agree that there is too much bang described. At least all at once; what might happen is the tank "brewing up" and exploding like that once the fire reached the ammo.

 

[SciFrac]

I'll second Victoria's comment about a name. Your first six sentences begging with "He" and that gets really distracting. I like being pulled out of a memory and I like what he does. Needs some work, but keep going.

 

[ralphkern]

Hey,

Without turning this crit into a debate about the various merits and means of giving a gerry tank a darn good send off, I would advocate against the sticky bomb.

Basically they were not used they any great success, only issued Brit forces in two contexts (AT-74 or ST grenade). One was for use by home front units in the case of invasion and to very limited use in North Africa, where they appear to have accounted for a grand total of six enemy tanks. The Australians had a few of them and used them in a couple of battles with no particular stats on how useful they were, and they were given to French Resistance fighters, again with no record of how useful they were found to be. They were not issued to anyone else.

They were also constructed against the express wishes of the War Office, who simply thought they were a silly idea. They were too delicate. The adhesive being contained in a glass vial which meant that by the time a soldier wanted to use them the adhesive had long since spilled out and they had a rather nasty tendency to stick to the solders uniform, a motley image maybe, but nonetheless a tragic end for the soldier in question.

If I may quote from Wiki, this is how Winston Churchhill envisaged their use, and why he overruled the war office:

In the event of invasion, he foresaw a desperate fight to the last and after the war, he wrote about how he envisaged the use of the sticky bomb: "We had the picture in mind that devoted soldiers or civilians would run close up to the tank and even thrust the bomb upon it, though its explosion cost them their lives. There were undoubtedly many who would have done it [Italics added for emphasis]." [13] He also later recorded how he intended to use the slogan: "You can always take one with you."http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sticky_bomb#cite_note-FOOTNOTEChurchill1949246-24

Bottom line they appear to have, rather undeservedly some might say, found their way into the public consciousness, possibly through the adhoc one that Tom Hanks used in Saving Private Ryan.

No other nation appears to have given them substantial thought other than the Japanese who used a version attached to a pole, that seemed to have been locally made by units.

So in summary, and I bear in mind you have 'Fantasy' in the title, a sticky bomb MAY have been used if:

1. Your character is a French Resistance fighter. (Or one of the behind enemy lines forces)
2. He's a Brit in North Africa
3. He's an Australian
4. You're not to worried about realism.
5. He's Japanese

oh and of course if the story takes place in the 'desperate last stand of Britain' scenario.

 

[sahlmi]

Hard to add anything after the extensive crits so far. But, unless I simply missed it, was there a significance for the big mystery of whom "he" referred to? Extremely annoying seeing so many "he's" so soon, plus the added element of no one to identify with. Other than forcing my way through the "he's", I fairly liked it.