The Strangers - SF, 886 words

[TitaniumTi]

This is the start of an SF story. I've done a fair bit of pruning, but I'm not sure about the line between too little/ too much detail. I also have a 'tin ear' for voice. Any feedback would be appreciated.



The blue man came down the mountain from the forest. His colour was the third oddity that Sheridan noticed. The first was his dress, coloured like the parched trees. Then she observed that his clumsy steps were caused by more than the folds of fabric tangling around his legs; he walked as if unseeing, stumbling over the rocks and tussocks in his path. Finally, she saw his colour.

'Where did he come from?' Sheridan pointed up the slope, nudging Matt.

'Huh? Who?' Matt ducked his head to look out the car window. 'Oh. Weird looking guy.'

Sheridan suppressed a smile, rallying the car around an s-bend and through a small cutting. Matt was a good man in a stoush, but she wouldn't pick him for his insights. 'He is, isn't he? Where'd he go?' She glanced up the embankment at the end of the cutting, lifting her foot from the accelerator pedal. There was a tricky bit of road ahead, cut into the side of the mountain.

Movement in a patch of stunted wattle-trees caught her eye. Kangaroo, she thought, braking gently. Then, no - another man. Realising, almost too late, that the man wasn't going to stop at the edge of the road, she slammed on the brakes. A turn of the steering wheel sent the car past him, in a barely controlled skid, but brought it perilously close to the cliff on the other side of the road. The wheels gripped, then the left, front wheel jolted in a gravel-filled rut, twisting the car so that it lurched into an embrace with a contorted eucalypt. Sheridan's head banged against a branch that hooked through the windscreen. The car shuddered to a halt, with the tree hard against the door at her elbow. Sheridan sat stunned, blood and tears stinging her eyes.

Matt moved, brushing against her arm, and she turned to check on him. 'Are you okay?'

He nodded, more shakily than she expected. He looked to be okay, she thought, and there really was no reason why he shouldn't be. She rubbed the lump on her forehead. She'd been unlucky. She'd have escaped with nothing more than a sore neck, if that branch hadn't come through the window. Then she grimaced. No, she'd been lucky. If the branch had come through the window at a different angle, she might be shish kebab now. Or they might be hamburger at the bottom of the cliff.

Where was that man? Unable to spot him in the mirrors, she turned to look over her shoulder. There! She barely had time to call out an appalled 'Hey!' before he was stepping off into nothingness, and falling out of sight.

'Matt, did you see that?' she asked, distantly aware of the foolishness of the question. 'That man - he just stepped off the cliff.' She deliberately calmed herself, as she reached for her phone and peered at the screen. 'There's no reception. We'll have to get out your door. Mine's jammed against the tree.'

A whimpering gasp from Matt made her look up. Something moved beyond him. The blue man - the first blue man - was stumbling across the road towards the car. He came to a halt pressed against the car door next to Matt, but he didn't stop moving. He kept trying to walk, as if he didn't see or even feel the car.

'Grab hold of him, Matt,' Sheridan said, depressing the window switch. 'See if you can push him away enough, so that you can ease out the door.'

'No!' Matt scuttled backwards across the centre console. 'Close the window!'

'Get off me, you great oaf!' Sheridan elbowed Matt away, fumbling with the switch to raise the window.

Okay, she wasn't going to get out through her door, or through Matt's. She turned to look at the door behind Matt, feeling the car rock under the stranger's onslaught. Each movement seemed to wedge the car more firmly against the tree, but a broken branch might free the car to slide over the cliff.

A quick scramble, and she was out of the car. She felt for her handcuffs. Where were they? She almost panicked before a second fumble at her hip located them; they'd become caught up in her belt. She snapped one cuff onto the man's wrist, once again noticing his colour and wondering why he'd dyed his skin. She shrugged. Who knew why the punters did what they did?

For a moment, when she pulled him away from the car, he moved passively with her. When he started walking again, his shambling gait was surprisingly strong. Seemingly oblivious to Sheridan, he moved past the front of the car towards the cliff. She dug her heels into the gravel as she was pulled along. 'Matt. Give me some help here. Now!' Her free hand skidded against the duco of the car and she cursed. She latched onto a branch, but it flexed and she thought they would go over the cliff.

Then Matt was beside her, grabbing the man and pulling him back. The sudden shift in direction sent her scrambling to avoid falling backwards, before she caught her balance. 'That sapling on the embankment. We'll cuff him to it.'

 

[alchemist]

Evening. Blue means cut. Red for comments. Purple is a pretty colour.

This is the start of an SF story. I've done a fair bit of pruning, but I'm not sure about the line between too little/ too much detail. I also have a 'tin ear' for voice. Any feedback would be appreciated.



The blue man came down the mountain from the forest. His colour was the third oddity that Sheridan noticed. The first was his dress, coloured like the parched trees. Then she observed that his clumsy steps were caused by more than the folds of fabric tangling around his legs; he walked as if unseeing, stumbling over the rocks and tussocks in his path. Finally, she saw his colour.except you started with the colour, which really indicates that's the first thing she notices. It's probably a stylistic choice but I didn't fancy it

'Where did he come from?' Sheridan pointed up the slope, nudging Matt.

'Huh? Who?' Matt ducked his head to look out the car window. 'Oh. Weird looking guy.'

Sheridan suppressed a smile, rallying the car around an s-bend and through a small cutting. Matt was a good man in a stoush I had to look this up, but she wouldn't pick him for his insights. 'He is, isn't he? Where'd he go?' She glanced up the embankment at the end of the cutting, lifting her foot from the accelerator pedal. There was a tricky bit of road ahead, cut cut/cutting used recently into the side of the mountain.

Movement in a patch of stunted wattle-trees caught her eye. Kangaroo, she thought, braking gently. Then, no - another man. Realising, almost too late, that the man wasn't going to stop at the edge of the road, she slammed on the brakes. A turn of the steering wheel sent the car past him, I'd drop the comma in a barely controlled skid, but brought it perilously close to the cliff on the other side of the road. The wheels gripped, then the left, definitely drop that comma front wheel jolted in a gravel-filled rut, twisting the car so that it lurched into an embrace with a contorted eucalypt. Sheridan's head banged against a branch that hooked through the windscreen shouldn't there be some shattering of windscreen before the branch hits her?. The car shuddered to a halt, with the tree hard against the door at her elbow. Sheridan sat stunned, blood and tears stinging her eyes.

Matt moved, brushing against her arm, and she turned to check on him. 'Are you okay?'

He nodded, more shakily than she expected. He looked to be okay, she thought her thought is implied, and there really was no reason why he shouldn't be. She rubbed the lump on her forehead. She'd been unlucky. She'd have escaped with nothing more than a sore neck, comma disrupts flow if that branch hadn't come through the window. Then she grimaced. No, she'd been lucky. If the branch had come through the window at a different angle, she might be shish kebab now. Or they might be hamburger at the bottom of the cliff.

Where was that man? Unable to spot him in the mirrors, she turned to look over her shoulder. There! She barely had time to call out an appalled 'Hey!' before he was stepping off into nothingness, and falling out of sight.

'Matt, did you see that?' she asked, distantly aware of the foolishness of the question. 'That man - he just stepped off the cliff.' She deliberately calmed herself, as she reached for her phone and peered at the screen. 'There's no reception. We'll have to get out your door. Mine's jammed against the tree.'

A whimpering gasp from Matt made her look up. Something moved beyond him. The blue man - the first blue man you didn't mention the second guy was blue earlier - was stumbling across the road towards the car. He came to a halt pressed against the car door next to Matt, but he didn't stop moving. He kept trying to walk, as if he didn't see or even feel the car.

'Grab hold of him, Matt,' Sheridan said, depressing the window switch. 'See if you can push him away enough, so that you can ease out the door.'

'No!' Matt scuttled backwards across the centre console. 'Close the window!'

'Get off me, you great oaf!' Sheridan She elbowed Matt away, fumbling with the switch to raise the window.

Okay, she wasn't going to get out through her door, or through Matt's. She turned to look at the door behind Matt, feeling the car rock under the stranger's onslaught. Each movement seemed to wedge the car more firmly against the tree, but a broken branch might free the car to slide over the cliff.

A quick scramble, and she was out of the car. She felt for her handcuffs. Where were they? She almost panicked before a second fumble at her hip located them; they'd become caught up in her belt. She snapped one cuff onto the man's wrist, once again noticing his colour and wondering why he'd dyed his skin. She shrugged. Who knew why the punters did what they did?

For a moment, when she pulled him away from the car, he moved passively with her. When he started walking again, his shambling gait was surprisingly strong. Seemingly oblivious to Sheridan, he moved past the front of the car towards the cliff. She dug her heels into the gravel as she was pulled along. 'Matt. Give me some help here. Now!' Her free hand skidded against the duco had to look that up too. It seems to be paint of the car and she cursed. She latched onto a branch, but it flexed and she thought they would go over the cliff.

Then Matt was beside her, grabbing the man and pulling him back. The sudden shift in direction sent her scrambling to avoid falling backwards, before she caught her balance. 'That sapling on the embankment. We'll cuff him to it.'

It's a good read and well-written. I'm wondering why she has handcuffs (two possibilities come to mind) but presume I'll find out later.

I think you over-used commas, especially when you're describing action, and there are a couple of what I can only think are Aussie-isms.

Good luck with it!

 

[TitaniumTi]

Thanks alchemist.

I know that I overuse commas - and 'then' and 'but'. I weeded out most of the 'thens' and 'buts'. Now I need to purge the commas.

The comment about the first paragraph is useful. I was trying to lead with a hook, but I see what you mean.

'Stoush' is interesting. I thought it was Irish in origin, but apparently not. To what extent should I avoid Australianisms?

Re the handcuffs: should I write, 'rallying the police-car'?

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Thanks alchemist.

I know that I overuse commas - and 'then' and 'but'. I weeded out most of the 'thens' and 'buts'. Now I need to purge the commas.

The comment about the first paragraph is useful. I was trying to lead with a hook, but I see what you mean.

'Stoush' is interesting. I thought it was Irish in origin, but apparently not. To what extent should I avoid Australianisms?

Re the handcuffs: should I write, 'rallying the police-car'?

In terms of Australisms - not at all! Try to show the context if you can - which I thought you did here - but it adds character and voice and isn't a barrier in my experience. (Well, Ulsterisms weren't for me and we're very, very tiny. And incomprehensible. )

 

[Sally Ann Melia]

Hi,

I like the 'reveal' at the end about them being police, however you don't need to be quite so mysterious.

Once you say handcuffs, you may as well go on and mention the uniforms, who is the rookie, and whether they 'call it in'.

If they are police they are likely to be less charitable in their assement a shambolic walk might been deemed drunken.

I agree with the previous comment, she notices the colour of the coat, and then the colour of the skin. It is worth mentioning that it is the skin which is blue, and also perhaps that it is not a mask or facepaint or wode.

Maybe she thinks the coat has been stole, to a cop that would be somethign to look for.

Unless I am wrong about the police thing?

 

[alchemist]

'Stoush' is interesting. I thought it was Irish in origin, but apparently not. To what extent should I avoid Australianisms?

I have similar issues, not surprisingly. If you're hoping for more than an Australian audience, you have to be aware of any local phrasing. Putting things up here is a good test. The two words you used jarred for me but if you'd used e.g. stubby, I'd have realised what it was.

On the other hand, if you want it to have a good Australian voice, go for it. Just be aware and make sure it's clear from context.

There, I haven't answered your question at all

 

[TitaniumTi]

Thanks Sally Ann,

I've obviously fallen into the trap of assuming that the reader knows what I know. The handcuffs weren't introduced as a reveal, so I need to make it clear that they are police officers early in the story.

'Dress' seems to have lost something in translation. I meant something like a frock, but 'frock' is not a word that this character would use. A man wearing a frock would definitely be noticed in rural Australia.

 

[alchemist]

I've obviously fallen into the trap of assuming that the reader knows what I know. The handcuffs weren't introduced as a reveal, so I need to make it clear that they are police officers early in the story.

My first impression, which stayed until the handcuffs and was never really shaken off, was that they were adrenaline-junkie youngsters out for a joyride.

I suppose if you changed "stoush" for "breaking up a bar room brawl", you'd kill two birds with the one phrase.

 

[tinkerdan]

I think the Australianisms are fine. They made me pause and think 'hmm this would be okay if they are in Australia-then later- oh they are in Australia.Or some other place that has wattle-trees and kangaroos.

You might get away without calling out the second mans color but it should probably be mentioned just in-case there are any red guys hanging around there too.

I'm ok with the Finally, she saw his colour.Because you did make it clear that colour was the third oddity. So that tracks ok to me. But then I don't always think linearly.

 

[TitaniumTi]

Thanks again, alchemist. That will do the job, or perhaps i should use, 'breaking up a brawl'.

Here's a re-write of the first paragraph.

Police Sergeant Sheridan Burns first noticed that the man on the mountain wore a dress, coloured like the parched trees. Then she observed his clumsy steps, hampered by more than the folds of fabric tangled around his legs; he walked down the steep slope as if unseeing, stumbling over the rocks and tussocks in his path. Finally, she saw that his skin and hair were greyish blue.

 

[TitaniumTi]

Thanks Tinkerdan,

I changed the first paragraph before I noticed your post. I'm not happy with either version, so perhaps I need to look at them again in a few weeks. The second version does address a couple of other issues that were raised.

 

[alchemist]

Thanks again, alchemist. That will do the job, or perhaps i should use, 'breaking up a brawl'.

Here's a re-write of the first paragraph.

Police Sergeant Sheridan Burns first noticed that the man on the mountain wore a dress, coloured like the parched trees. Then she observed his clumsy steps, hampered by more than the folds of fabric tangled around his legs; he walked down the steep slope as if unseeing, stumbling over the rocks and tussocks in his path. Finally, she saw that his skin and hair were greyish blue.

I preferred the original opening line. My issue was that you then went on to say the blueness was relatively unimportant by saying it was only the third thing she noticed. So if you kept the original line (with added Sergeant) then mentioned the clothes and gait asthe second and third things she notices, it would be fine.

And in reality, she's only scanning the man as she drives -- blue skin will stand out before clothes and gait.

 

[TitaniumTi]

I was trying to highlight the blueness as the man's most unusual feature, but not the feature that the protagonist first sees from a distance. That's irrelevant, however; what the reader 'sees' is more important than what I think i'm describing. If it's not working, I need to reconsider. I'm not sure about adding 'Sergeant' in the original paragraph, as the cadence doesn't seem right to me, although I'm not sure why.

 

[Hex]

Sorry if someone already said this but I think the thing that really threw me was you describe him as "the blue man" and then it's like we go back in time a little to the order Sheridan notices things in. To make it clearer you could have something like:

The blue man came down the mountain from the forest. His colour had been the third oddity that Sheridan had noticed. The first had been his dress (I agree that in this context 'dress' is ambiguous but I'm also a bit mixed up about how she can tell he's a man (making the dress an oddity) without noticing he's blue, coloured like the parched trees. Then she had observed that his clumsy steps had been caused by more than the folds of fabric tangling around his legs... etc.

I don't think those tweaks improve it, though.

I love the idea and it's a great opening sentence but like this it feels strange. Is he a very dark blue? I imagine him as electric blue which may be where the confusion is coming from

 

[TitaniumTi]

I definitely need to do a better job of seeing the story from the reader's perspective.

I have often wondered why humans don't carry the gene for 'blue' (actually a muted blue-grey) that dogs and cats carry, so when I wanted to indicate that these people were human but came from 'elsewhere', in a way that would be noticeable to the (local) protagonists, I chose the blue colour.

I never considered that readers would see a bright blue, although I should have.

 

[Sally Ann Melia]

The problem with blue aliens is John Cameron's Avatar. That has pretty much queered the pitch for all blue aliens.

Nuff said!

Btw new avatar movie due in 2014

 

[Cosmic Geoff]

Here's a re-write of the first paragraph.

Police Sergeant Sheridan Burns first noticed that the man on the mountain wore a dress,If you write 'woman's dress' we're sure to get the picture. coloured like the parched trees. Then she observed his clumsy steps, hampered by more than the folds of fabric tangled around his legs; he walked down the steep slope as if unseeing, stumbling over the rocks and tussocks in his path. Finally, she saw that his skin and hair were greyish blue.



The blue man came down the mountain from the forest. His colour was the third oddity List the oddities in order that Sheridan noticed. The first was his dress, coloured like the parched trees. Then she observed that his clumsy steps were caused by more than the folds of fabric tangling around his legs; he walked as if unseeing, stumbling over the rocks and tussocks in his path. Finally, she saw his colour. The new para above is probably better.

'Where did he come from?' Sheridan pointed up the slope, nudging Matt.

'Huh? Who?' Matt ducked his head to look out the car window. 'Oh. Weird looking guy.'

Sheridan suppressed a smile, rallying the car around an s-bend and through a small cutting. Matt was a good man in a stoush, Needs clarification but she wouldn't pick him for his insights. 'He is, isn't he? Where'd he go?' She glanced up the embankment at the end of the cutting, lifting her foot from the accelerator pedal. There was a tricky bit of road ahead, cut into the side of the mountain.

Movement in a patch of stunted wattle-trees caught her eye. Kangaroo, she thought, braking gently. Then, no - another man. Realising, almost too late, that the man wasn't going to stop at the edge of the road, she slammed on the brakes. A turn of the steering wheel sent the car past him, in a barely controlled skid, but brought it perilously close to the cliff on the other side of the road. The wheels gripped, then the left, front wheel jolted in a gravel-filled rut, twisting the car so that it lurched into an embrace with a contorted eucalypt. Sheridan's head banged against a branch that hooked through the windscreen. They were obviously going far too fast for the road conditions. What about explaining why? The car shuddered to a halt, with the tree hard against the door at her elbow. Sheridan sat stunned, blood and tears stinging her eyes.

Matt moved, brushing against her arm, and she turned to check on him. 'Are you okay?'

He nodded, more shakily than she expected. He looked to be okay, she thought, and there really was no reason why he shouldn't be. She rubbed the lump on her forehead. She'd been unlucky. She'd have escaped with nothing more than a sore neck, if that branch hadn't come through the window. Then she grimaced. No, she'd been lucky. If the branch had come through the window at a different angle, she might be shish kebab now. Or they might be hamburger at the bottom of the cliff.

Where was that man? Unable to spot him in the mirrors, she turned to look over her shoulder. There! She barely had time to call out an appalled 'Hey!' before he was stepping off into nothingness, and falling out of sight.

'Matt, did you see that?' she asked, distantly aware of the foolishness of the question. 'That man - he just stepped off the cliff.' She deliberately calmed herself, as she reached for her phone and peered at the screen. 'There's no reception. We'll have to get out your door. Mine's jammed against the tree.' Is this the cliff side? How close?

A whimpering gasp from Matt made her look up. Something moved beyond him. The blue man - the first blue man - was stumbling across the road towards the car. He came to a halt pressed against the car door next to Matt, but he didn't stop moving. He kept trying to walk, as if he didn't see or even feel the car.

'Grab hold of him, Matt,' Sheridan said, depressing the window switch. 'See if you can push him away enough, so that you can ease out the door.'

'No!' Matt scuttled backwards across the centre console. 'Close the window!'

'Get off me, you great oaf!' Sheridan elbowed Matt away, fumbling with the switch to raise the window.

Okay, she wasn't going to get out through her door, or through Matt's. She turned to look at the door behind Matt, feeling the car rock under the stranger's onslaught. Each movement seemed to wedge the car more firmly against the tree, but a broken branch might free the car to slide over the cliff.
Is the car teetering on the edge of the cliff? If not, there seems no danger of a man-sized alien pushing it over.
A quick scramble, and she was out of the car. Out via Sheridan's door? She felt for her handcuffs. This is the first clue that they're police in the original version. Where were they? She almost panicked before a second fumble at her hip located them; they'd become caught up in her belt. She snapped one cuff onto the man's wrist, once again noticing his colour and wondering why he'd dyed his skin. She shrugged. Who knew why the punters did what they did?

For a moment, when she pulled him away from the car, he moved passively with her. When he started walking again, his shambling gait was surprisingly strong. Seemingly oblivious to Sheridan, he moved past the front of the car towards the cliff. She dug her heels into the gravel as she was pulled along. 'Matt. Give me some help here. Now!' Her free hand skidded against the duco needs clarification of the car and she cursed. She latched onto a branch, but it flexed and she thought they would go over the cliff. Reaction?

Then Matt was beside her, grabbing the man and pulling him back. The sudden shift in direction sent her scrambling to avoid falling backwards, before she caught her balance. 'That sapling on the embankment. We'll cuff him to it.'

Quite dramatic stuff.
It could do with more acknowledgement that they're police, and an explanation of why they're travelling at what is clearly an excessive speed.
It occurs to me that I might be imagining this the wrong way round. What side of the road do they drive on in Australia?
We are not getting much insight into the characters' feelings.
I didn't see anything in the grammar that I wanted to pick on.
Promising.

 

[Brian G Turner]

The blue man came down the mountain from the forest. His colour was the third oddity that Sheridan noticed. The first was his dress, coloured like the parched trees. Then she observed that his clumsy steps were caused by more than the folds of fabric tangling around his legs; he walked as if unseeing, stumbling over the rocks and tussocks in his path. Finally, she saw his colour.

'Where did he come from?' Sheridan pointed up the slope, nudging Matt.

'Huh? Who?' Matt ducked his head to look out the car window. 'Oh. Weird looking guy.'

Sheridan suppressed a smile, rallying the car around an s-bend and through a small cutting. Matt was a good man in a stoush, but she wouldn't pick him for his insights. 'He is, isn't he? Where'd he go?' She glanced up the embankment at the end of the cutting, lifting her foot from the accelerator pedal. There was a tricky bit of road ahead, cut into the side of the mountain.

None of this has any sense of immediacy or tension for me. It's simply a cold observation - "there's a blue man, how odd, but I didn't notice he was blue at first. Ho-hum, let's keep driving".

The fact they are "rallying the car around an s-bend" and if we're told there's a forested mountain, then how is anyone able to focus on this and allow it to catch and keep their attention? Especially when we're seeing this from the driver's POV? I just have trouble buying that degree of wandering attention and line of sight in this terrain on the sort of road you describe.

It's also very detached - ask yourself as a writer: in what way are you trying to grab the reader's attention and hook their emotions in this scene?

Movement in a patch of stunted wattle-trees caught her eye. Kangaroo, she thought, braking gently. Then, no - another man. Realising, almost too late, that the man wasn't going to stop at the edge of the road, she slammed on the brakes. A turn of the steering wheel sent the car past him, in a barely controlled skid, but brought it perilously close to the cliff on the other side of the road. The wheels gripped, then the left, front wheel jolted in a gravel-filled rut, twisting the car so that it lurched into an embrace with a contorted eucalypt. Sheridan's head banged against a branch that hooked through the windscreen. The car shuddered to a halt, with the tree hard against the door at her elbow. Sheridan sat stunned, blood and tears stinging her eyes.

THIS is the start of the story IMO. Tighten it slightly - because you refer to there being "another" man, which distracts from the crash sequence. But otherwise this is your hook - an accident! We have little idea of what is going on, but it's hard not to read on to see what happens. The fact you mention details such as the Eucalypt adds more detail and context to the piece.

He nodded, more shakily than she expected. He looked to be okay, she thought, and there really was no reason why he shouldn't be. She rubbed the lump on her forehead. She'd been unlucky. She'd have escaped with nothing more than a sore neck, if that branch hadn't come through the window. Then she grimaced. No, she'd been lucky. If the branch had come through the window at a different angle, she might be shish kebab now. Or they might be hamburger at the bottom of the cliff.

You're losing it a bit again - get to the point - she's shocked, but don't ramble. Put some emotion in: "hell, I've crashed! I might be hurt! I might have killed my friend!" You don't have to go the whole hog, and dazed shock could work well - but some emotion of any kind I personally think will help push this piece faster than Sheridan wondering what might have or not happened about a branch that might have or not happened to have or not happened to have ...

Where was that man? Unable to spot him in the mirrors, she turned to look over her shoulder. There! She barely had time to call out an appalled 'Hey!' before he was stepping off into nothingness, and falling out of sight.

IMO too much focus on the man. Sod him! Sheridan and Matt could be bleeding to death! Internal injuries! Sure, think whoever stepped into the road is the ultimate schmuck - curse him for causing this by all means - but at the moment - like in the opening paragraph - it reads to me like the author is trying to draw attention to a man we know little about, rather than the characters we've immediately been introduced to.

A whimpering gasp from Matt made her look up. Something moved beyond him. The blue man - the first blue man - was stumbling across the road towards the car. He came to a halt pressed against the car door next to Matt, but he didn't stop moving. He kept trying to walk, as if he didn't see or even feel the car.

'Grab hold of him, Matt,' Sheridan said, depressing the window switch. 'See if you can push him away enough, so that you can ease out the door.'

The idea of grabbing and pushing this blue man confuses me. Besides, didn't you earlier say the one who stepped out was another man? I'm afraid I'm getting confused as to who supposed to be around here.

I'll stop here because my attention's gone. EDIT: I see from the post above these are supposed to be police officers?? That's not a context that shows at all from the start. Perhaps I read too fast?


Overall, you have a good action scene to start with. But instead of trying to focus on character, I can't help but feel that you are trying too hard to put this blue man at the focus of everything, to the detriment of everything else. That's why the piece opens with him.

IMO you would be better off where I indicated where the start of the story may be, and have the blue man stepping out unexpectedly and not previously seen - they may not even notice he's blue at first. Then go to the struggling from the car. But - keep with the characters!

It's not a bad piece, I just - personally - feel there's a lack of focus. Or, more to the point, too much focus on something that should not yet be at the fore.

Simply 2c though.

 

[TitaniumTi]

Thank you Geoff and Brian,

Your critiques have really helped me to see where I need to work on my writing:

1. I'm not describing key elements, such as the final position of the car on the cliff edge, clearly enough.

2. Ditto for the sequence of events.

3. My portrayal of the protagonist's POV is not rich or deep enough.

4. I'm confusing an omniscient POV with the protagonist's POV. I know that the blue men will be pivotal to the story, but my protagonist does not. I guess it would make sense to start the story at the point where the protagonist becomes emotionally engaged in events (that is, where the man steps in front of the car).

Now, I need to work on putting theory into practise!