Sleeper Cell - 600 words

[Mr Orange]

morning all... below are the opening 600 words of a short story which give a bit of an intro to the two POV's in the story. i have removed a bunch of info but still not sure if there's a bit too much of a dump here and there...

anyways, i'd appreciate it if you let me know what you all think...

also, cutting and pasting onto the forum seems to delete some spaces every now and then so if there are conjoined words i haven't spotted, my apologies.

thanks muchly

Mr O



Sleeper Cell

~​

Mike could hear whispered voices in the dark. He couldn’t make out what they were saying. Why were they always whispering? Where was he? He couldn’t remember where he was. Memories flashed before him against the blackness. Shore leave in Bangkok. Lua Tse and her soft, warm body .Was it her whispering to him now? And… a bar fight, a broken bottle, and a pool of blood. And the deal, struck between governments to avoid embarrassment. Then he remembered where he was. On the damned mining ship.

He was aware of a strange light in the dark. It blinked orange in the distance, getting brighter and clearer, and then materialised into a warning light on his cryo cell. His cryo cell was malfunctioning. Of course it is, Mike thought to himself, you’re lying on the floor in front of it. As he realised this, the darkness enveloped him again and he blacked out.

Some time later, Mike became aware of an angry buzzing. Then there was darkness again. Then more voices. As he drifted out of the darkness he recognised one of the voices; it was Anya.

~​

“So if we’re the only ones left, where the hell is theCaptain?”

“Dunno,” The redheaded crewman mumbled without looking up.The light from the console lit his face garishly in the dim room. “The onlylife-sig’s I can find, apart from us, are Fletcher and the others down in the cargo bay.”

Anya frowned.She was scared. This was not at all what she had signed up for. This trip was meant to give her a much-needed lift up the scientific ladder, with the title“Chief Scientific Officer on her C.V. And while it was definitely unusual for a Russian to be on a Nasa expedition, with the Second Cold War looming her path onto the Narwhal had been easy.

Now she was standing on the bridge of a broken ship with two of the survivors of… Actually, she didn’t even know what they had survived.

“Plus, looks like most of the CCTV footage was corrupted while we were in the sleepers, so I can’t access that either.”

Anya’s mind snapped back into focus. She pushed her long hair off her face and looked across at the crewman who was still tapping away at the console in front of him. His black uniform was crumpled and his movements betrayed his frayed nerves.

“What do you mean?”

He glanced at her. “I mean, the CCTV footage is corrupted. I think someone’s wiped it all… Oh ****…” A deep frown flashed across the crewman’s face.

“What?”

“Well firstly we’re off course. We’re still in the acceleration phase so it’s not bad as it could be, but we’re quite a way off.The nav computer’s been hacked and it’s going to take a while to reset it. And secondly, something’s wrong with the engine. I’ve got warning light severywhere.”

There was movement behind them in the dim room.

“Forget about all that, we need to figure out who’s killing everyone before we fix the damn ship!”

Anya looked over to where the tall mechanic stood by the door, one of the security crew’s rifles in his hand. He’d hardly said anything since they found him curled up outside his broken sleeper an hour ago. Forced cryo ejection could do that to people. After all, she had gone through the correct waking procedure and she still felt pretty messed up. But, still, there was something about him that made Anya uncomfortable.

 

[Bowler1]

Sleeper Cell

~​

Mike could hear whispered voices in the dark. He couldn’t make out what they were saying. Why were they always whispering? Where was he? He couldn’t remember where he was. Memories flashed before him against the blackness. Shore leave in Bangkok. Lua Tse and her soft, warm body.Was it her whispering to him now? And… a bar fight, a broken bottle, and a pool of blood. And the deal, struck between governments to avoid embarrassment. Then he remembered where he was. On the damned mining ship. – The opening was good, or so I thought.

He was aware of a strange light in the dark. It blinked orange in the distance, getting brighter and clearer, and then materialised into a warning light on his cryo cell. His cryo cell was malfunctioning. Of course it is, Mike thought to himself, you’re lying on the floor in front of it. As he realised this, the darkness enveloped him again and he blacked out. – As I’m not too sure what a Cryo cell is, so I was a little lost.

Sometime later, Mike became aware of an angry buzzing. Then there was darkness again. Then more voices. As he drifted out of the darkness he recognised one of the voices; it was Anya.

~​

“So if we’re the only ones left, where the hell is theCaptain?” Is this Anya? Untagged speech as an opening line in a new section can only be confusing.

“Dunno,” The redheaded crewman mumbled without looking up.The light from the console lit his face garishly in the dim room. “The onlylife-sig’s I can find, apart from us, are Fletcher and the others down in the cargo bay.” – All the lines begin with “the”. This is clearly from the POV of some character, but I’ve no idea whose as there was none introduced to me the reader when you started this section.

Anya frowned. She was scared - telling. This was not at all what she had signed up for. This trip was meant to give her a much-needed lift up the scientific ladder, with the title“Chief Scientific Officer” on her C.V. And while it was definitely unusual for a Russian to be on a Nasa expedition, with the Second Cold War looming, her path onto the Narwhal had been easy. – Mostly author narration here.

Now she was standing on the bridge of a broken ship with two of the survivors of… Actually, she didn’t even know what they had survived. – This is a jump from above and you’ve lost me.

“Plus, looks like most of the CCTV footage was corrupted while we were in the sleepers, so I can’t access that either.” – Said who?

Anya’s mind snapped back into focus. She pushed her long hair off her face and looked across at the crewman who was still tapping away at the console in front of him. His black uniform was crumpled and his movements betrayed his frayed nerves. “What do you mean?” – Keep the dialogue with the character thoughts and then you don’t need a speech tag. Separate the dialogue from the character thoughts and I have to think about the dialogue coming from another character. This section with the dialogue is good – I like.

The Crewman/He glanced at her. “I mean, the CCTV footage is corrupted. I think someone’s wiped it all… Oh ****…” A deep frown flashed across the crewman’s face.

“What?” said Anya, some action/emotion etc. to add more depth.

“Well firstly, we’re off course. We’re still in the acceleration phase, so it’s not bad as it could be, but we’re quite a way off.The nav computer’s been hacked and it’s going to take a while to reset it. And secondly, something’s wrong with the engine. I’ve got warning lights everywhere.” – Dialogue used to convey information. Not too bad, but felt forced to me here.

There was movement behind them in the dim room.

“Forget about all that, we need to figure out who’s killing everyone before we fix the damn ship!” Is this Anya?

Anya looked over to where the tall mechanic stood by the door, one of the security crew’s rifles in his hand. He’d hardly said anything since they found him, curled up outside his broken sleeper an hour ago. Forced cryo ejection could do that to people. After all, she had gone through the correct waking procedure and she still felt pretty messed up. But, still, there was something about him that made Anya uncomfortable.

The jump from Mike to Anya is confusing. Speech left unattributed and the lack of additional actions, setting and emotions leaves this very short section feeling jumpy to me. I needed a lot more context, where are they, what it looks like and feels like. There was no colour, taste, sound and everything else to make the scene feel immediate and alive. I wasn’t with the character. I wasn’t feeling the tension and fear.
Some missing comma’s here and there too.
Unclear POV, or hard to follow POV.
Some sections worked fine for me and I liked them.
It’s a good idea and any Spaceship action is always going to get my attention, but I think it needs a little extra work.
As ever, just my thoughts.

 

[Mr Orange]

cheers bowler. i've moved some action around in the second section and hadn't noticed that this had left a bunch of speech without ownership..

the first section is kind of floating throughout the story and i'm struggling to find a point to drop it in

 

[Bowler1]

the first section is kind of floating throughout the story and i'm struggling to find a point to drop it in

This is the place to experiment and have fun and I've done some of both myself. Although "fun" can be very subjective in this section of the forum.


I liked the intro and the sense of confusion came across well. It was just the jump to Anya and her struggles after such a short setup that didn't feel right, or, to me anyway. Keep at it, and I'll keep an eye out for future posts.

 

[Glisterspeck]

Sleeper Cell

~​

Mike could hear whispered voices I'd go: voices whisper in... (Noun verb is usually going to be stronger and more immediate than adjective noun) in the dark. He couldn’t make out what they were saying. Why were they always whispering? Where was he? He couldn’t remember where he was. Redundant, the "Where was he" thought just told us this.Memories flashed before him cut "before him" here. It adds POV distance. against the blackness. Shore leave in Bangkok. Lua Tse and her soft, warm body .Was it her whispering to him now? And… a bar fight, a broken bottle, and a pool of blood. And the deal, struck between governments to avoid embarrassment. Then he remembered where he was. On the damned mining ship.You can get this closer to character if you drop the sentence "Memories flashed..." and start the next with "He had been on shore leave... and then just finish as you did. Then we are right in his thoughts the whole time. We don't leave to set up the memory slide show projector, we just see it.

He was aware of a strange light in the dark. It blinked orange in the distance, getting brighter and clearer, and then don't use then like this unless its absolutely critical, and if it is critical, drop the and and you're still grammatically correctmaterialised into a warning light on his cryo cell. His cryo cell was malfunctioning. Of course it is, Mike thought to himself, you’re lying on the floor in front of it. As he realised this, the darkness enveloped him again and he blacked out.Your thoughts are so immediate throughout the piece that I'd stick in them and not go to the direct thought. So it'd become: 'Of course it was, he was lying on the floor in front of it. The darkness enveloped him, and he blacked out.

Some time later, Mike became aware of an angry buzzing. Then there was darkness again. Then more voices. As he drifted out of the darkness he recognised one of the voices; I think a colon would function better here - builds tension, releases it was Anya.

~​

“So if we’re the only ones left, where the hell is the Captain?”

“Dunno,” The redheaded crewman mumbled without looking up.The light from the console lit his face garishly in the dim room. “The only life-sig’s I can find, apart from us, are Fletcher and the others down in the cargo bay.”

Anya frowned. She was scared. This was not at all what she had signed up for. This trip was meant to give her a much-needed lift up the scientific ladder, with the title “this quote never closesChief Scientific Officer on her C.V. And while it was definitely unusual for a Russian to be on a Nasa expedition, with the Second Cold War looming need a comma or it reads "Second cold war looming" as a subj verb pair her path onto the Narwhal had been easy.

Now she was standing on the bridge of a broken ship with two of the survivors of… Actually, she didn’t even know what they had survived. nice

“Plus, looks like most of the CCTV footage was corrupted while we were in the sleepers, so I can’t access that either.”

Anya’s mind snapped back into focus. She pushed her long hair off her face and looked across at the crewman who was still tapping away at the console in front of him. His black uniform was crumpled and his movements betrayed his frayed nerves.

“What do you mean?”

He glanced at her. “I mean, the CCTV footage is corrupted. I think someone’s wiped it all… Oh ****…” A deep frown flashed across the crewman’s face.

“What?”

“Well comma firstly comma we’re off course. We’re still in the acceleration phase so it’s not bad as it could be, but we’re quite a way off. The nav computer’s been hacked comma and it’s going to take a while to reset it. And secondly, something’s wrong with the engine. I’ve got warning lights everywhere.”

There was movement behind them in the dim room.

“Forget about all that, I'd go full stop to increase tension we need to figure out who’s killing everyone before we fix the damn ship!”

Anya looked over to where the have we met this guy before? If not, it should be "a tall mechanic" not "the tall..." tall mechanic stood by the door, one of the security crew’s rifles in his hand. He’d hardly said anything since they found him curled up outside his broken sleeper an hour ago. Forced cryo ejection could do that to people. After all, she had gone through the correct waking procedurecomma and she still felt pretty messed up. But, still, there was something about him that made Anya uncomfortable.

Maybe because he's holding a gun?!?

I like the first scene best, but like the nearness of voice throughout. Not stuff I would typically read, but that's no fault of the writing, and this carried me along pretty well.

 

[tinkerdan]

Mike could hear whispered voices in the dark. He couldn’t make out what they were saying. Why were they always whispering? Where was he? He couldn’t remember where he was. Memories flashed before him against the blackness. Shore leave in Bangkok. Lua Tse and her soft, warm body .Was it her whispering to him now? And… a bar fight, a broken bottle, and a pool of blood. And the deal, struck between governments to avoid embarrassment. Then he remembered where he was. On the damned mining ship.

Not sure what you're going for here, but it almost reads like a fractured stream of consciousness-that might be an oxymoron. It could use a lot of tightening and since there are so many short sentences anyway; if the short sentences are meant to create the choppy narrative; I'd do it this way :

They always whispered. The voices in the dark. Mike couldn't make out the words. He didn't know where he was. Memories struggled against the blackness. Shore leave; Bangkok; Lua Tse; her warm body; Her whispers. A bar fight; broken bottle; pool of blood. Avoiding embarrassment; striking a government deal; of course; he was on the damned mining ship.

It is a good opening though, so maybe you could figure out a better way to tighten it up.

 

[Cosmic Geoff]

Sleeper Cell

~​

Mike could hear whispered voices in the dark. He couldn’t make out what they were saying. Why were they always whispering? A fair opening, but maybe a teeny bit more detail? What sort of voices? Language? Accent? Timbre? Where was he? He couldn’t remember where he was. That's repeating the same idea. Memories flashed before him against the blackness. Shore leave in Bangkok. Lua Tse and her soft, warm body .Was it her whispering to him now? And… a bar fight, a broken bottle, and a pool of blood. And the deal, struck between governments to avoid embarrassment. Then he remembered where he was. On the damned mining ship.

He was aware of a strange light in the dark. It blinked orange in the distance, getting brighter and clearer, and then materialised into a warning light on his cryo cell. I have no idea what a cryo cell is. His cryo cell was malfunctioning. Of course it is, Mike thought to himself, you’re lying on the floor in front of it. As he realised this, the darkness enveloped him again and he blacked out.

Some time later, Mike became aware of an angry buzzing. Then there was darkness again. Then more voices. As he drifted out of the darkness he recognised one of the voices; it was Anya.

~​

“So if we’re the only ones left, where the hell is theCaptain?”
Who is speaking? Also a sudden change of viewpoint, and viewpoint character, below. Is this a bit ambitious in a short story format?
“Dunno,” The redheaded crewman mumbled without looking up.The light from the console lit his face garishly in the dim room. “The onlylife-sig’s I can find, apart from us, are Fletcher and the others down in the cargo bay.”
Who is Fletcher? Are we meant to assume he is the character in the opening?
Anya frowned.She was scared. This was not at all what she had signed up for. This trip was meant to give her a much-needed lift up the scientific ladder, with the title“Chief Scientific Officer close quotes on her C.V. And while it was definitely unusual for a Russian to be on a Nasa expedition, with the Second Cold War looming her path onto the Narwhal had been easy.

Now she was standing on the bridge of a broken ship with two of the survivors of… Actually, she didn’t even know what they had survived.

“Plus, looks like most of the CCTV footage was corrupted while we were in the sleepers, so I can’t access that either.”

Anya’s mind snapped back into focus. She pushed her long hair off her face and looked across at the crewman who was still tapping away at the console in front of him. His black uniform was crumpled and his movements betrayed his frayed nerves.

“What do you mean?”

He glanced at her. “I mean, the CCTV footage is corrupted. I think someone’s wiped it all… Oh ****…” A deep frown flashed across the crewman’s face.

“What?”

“Well firstly we’re off course. We’re still in the acceleration phase Oh, they're on a spaceship? The land-based details in the opening paras made me assume it was a sea-going ship. so it’s not bad as it could be, but we’re quite a way off.The nav computer’s been hacked and it’s going to take a while to reset it. And secondly, something’s wrong with the engine. I’ve got warning lights everywhere.”

There was movement behind them in the dim room.

“Forget about all that, we need to figure out who’s killing everyone before we fix the damn ship!”

Anya looked over to where the tall mechanic stood by the door, one of the security crew’s rifles in his hand. He’d hardly said anything since they found him curled up outside his broken sleeper an hour ago. Forced cryo ejection could do that to people. After all, she had gone through the correct waking procedure and she still felt pretty messed up. But, still, there was something about him that made Anya uncomfortable.

There seems to be some misdirection about where the story is set, which may or may not be intentional. I assume from the first mention of 'cryo unit' that Mike is in fact on the spaceship.
I could not see anything wrong with the use of English.
The situation is intriguing, and I'd want to read on.
Overall, this looks promising.

 

[Mr Orange]

cheers for the comments guys.. quite a few good points... flat out trying to get stuff done at work before jetting off to NZ tonight, but will try to answer in more depth if i can get wifi at heathrow

 

[Mr Orange]

cheers for all the comments guys... i have touched up the scenes and hopefully incorporated most of your comments...


Sleeper Cell


~

Mike could hear whispered voices in the dark. Why were they always whispering? Where was he? Memories flashed before him against the blackness; Shore leave in Bangkok; Lua Tse ; her soft, warm body. Was it her whispering? A bar fight; a broken bottle; a pool of blood; the deal, struck between governments to avoid embarrassment. Then he remembered where he was. On the damned mining ship, halfway to some godforsaken asteroid.

Mike became aware of a blurred light in the dark. It blinked orange in front of him, then brightened and materialised into a warning light on a small circular door. It illuminated the dark, tube-like cell he lay in with blaring flashes. There was a hiss and a click. The small door swung away from Mike revealing blackness beyond. The light stopped flashing, darkness enveloped him again and he blacked out.

Some time later, Mike became aware of angry buzzing. Then, nothing. Finally voices penetrated his mind. Real voices. As he drifted out of the darkness he recognised one of them: It was Anya.

~

The bridge of the Narwhal was draped in shadows; the soft emergency lighting and glare from flickering screens were the only sources of illumination. Anya Lebedeva stood, arms crossed, in the middle of the room. In front of her sat a dark figure.

“So if we’re the only ones left, where the hell is the Captain?” Anya asked impatiently.

“Dunno,” The redheaded crewman mumbled without looking up. The light from the console lit his face garishly. “The only life-sig’s I can find, apart from us, are Fletcher and the others down in the cargo bay.”

Anya frowned and forced down the fear that began to rise from her stomach. This was not at all what she had signed up for. This trip was meant to give her a much-needed lift up the scientific ladder, not leave her stranded in the middle of deep space on an American ship.

“…Plus, looks like most of the CCTV footage was corrupted while we were in the sleepers, so I can’t access that either.”

Anya’s mind snapped back into focus. She pushed her long hair off her face and looked across at the crewman who was still tapping away at the console in front of him. His black uniform was crumpled and his movements betrayed his frayed nerves. “What do you mean?”

He glanced at her. “I mean, the CCTV footage is corrupted. I think someone’s wiped it all… Oh sh*t…” A deep frown flashed across the crewman’s face.

“What?”

“Well firstly we’re off course. We’re still in acceleration, but we’re quite a way off. The nav’ computer’s been hacked and I can’t get it online. And secondly, something’s wrong with the drive. I’ve got three warning lights on the EMS.”

There was movement behind them and a curt voice broke from the shadows. “Forget about all that. We need to figure out who’s killing everyone before we fix the damn ship.”

Anya looked over to where the tall mechanic stood by the door, one of the security crew’s rifles in his hand. He’d hardly said anything since they found him curled up outside his broken sleeper cell an hour ago. Forced ejection could do that to people. After all, she had gone through the correct waking procedure and she still felt pretty messed up. But, still, there was something about him that made Anya uncomfortable.