Colbey Frost
aka Christian Nash
The title is a tad overdramatic, but this synopsis is driving me mad. It's about 1k. The agent I'm looking at accepts them up to 3k. I'd prefer a shorter version, and it was much shorter, but I've tried to turn it into more of a short story in order to get that flow and to chop away at some of the confusion brought about by the other version.
Anyway, I will love you forever if you can help me crack this synopsis barrier I have. I know I'm trying too hard and thinking about it too much, but I feel like I'm gettting there, and this version is the first one that's given me a little hope.
With the start I wanted to introduce the world a little, set the scene. With the middle, I wanted to show the MC's struggle and conflict with the creature inside him. With the end... I'm at a loss with the end. Do you see a clear structure of start middle and end, whilst at the same time reading it as if it were a short story of its own?
Any help or advice, however random, is welcome.
Thanks in advance.
EDIT: The forum's software keeps pushing words together. I think I've corrected most of it, but you never know! Also, this will be a nice birthday gift for me if I can get something going with this damn synopsis!
Synopsis - CABAL
In the dark of his father's keep, sixteen-year-old BHAAL has been experimented on, his pubescent body forced to mutate. His insane father, KANAK, has attempted to mould him into a twisted champion, the soul magic in his veins creating a misshapen weapon. He is expected to fight back against the Terrors breeding outside of the city walls. People are isolated and inbred, boys like Bhaal taught to wield a sword from the age of four. Bhaal’s time has come.
Bhaal hides in shadow as he sneaks out of Hubris through the mazeof Wards. Whilst avoiding the chaos of gang rivalry in the Wards, he is more fearful of the Wardens; giant machines powered by the souls of the dead; answerable tono one. They do their job of keeping the Terrors out, but also keep people locked in, the ancient technology lost in an age of dark magic.
He manages to escape the city and its Wardens, but without their protection he is faced with an army of Terrors using humans as hosts. At first he thinks they might be real people, but their awkward movement and wax-like skin gives them away. Bhaal is infected with one as he tries to battle the Terrors. Rather than be turned, he becomes a vessel, the soul magic in his blood giving him some life to grasp at.
Bhaal escapes back to the city with the Terror still inside him and is found by his overprotective brother, RAMUH. His first thoughts are of Kanak, of making him proud, but the entity wrapping around his innards taps into his mind. It pulls up memories of his father’s abuse, images of himself and Ramuh being whipped, their naked bodies sliced open. Bhaal argues his father’s vision, explains to the Terror that without Kankak, Hubris would have no future. It doesn’t agree and feeds Bhaal logic. It shows him that no good can come from the abuse of man, no matter their intentions. It continues to speak with him, but his internal battle isn't always noticed by his brother and they have to rely on a relationship forged in the cells of a madman to help in their struggle to become men.
Bhaal is forced to think that Kanak’s grand scheme for Hubris is born out of arrogance. He decides that for Hubris to survive, Kanak must die, but this is the Terror’s plan, the parasite pulling the strings of a naïve boy. Although Ramuh doesn’t know of the creature corrupting his brother’s mind, or its plans, he agrees with everything Bhaal has to say, his younger brother’s focus and newfound self respect something to be admired.
Kanak hunts down his sons, storming through the Wards in search of any news. Before Bhaal and Ramuh can act, the city is invaded by the Terrors. The one inside Bhaal – now called Guts – had made sure its kin saw where Bhaal had re-entered and was now leading them from inside him, although the boy doesn’t yet know.
Bhaal and Ramuh are helped by an ambitious girl called TALLI after her Ward is destroyed by the invading Terrors. She stays close to Bhaal, his soul magic and training a slither of hope in a city soon to be in flames. She is contacted in secret and has to decide whether to betray Bhaal, help him, or both; the old Ward-bosses fearful of the boy’s power. People hide in the shadows, waiting for Kanak or Bhaal to make a mistake, avoiding commitment until opportunity shines. Everyone hopes the Wardens will be enough to see the enemy off, but Terrors infect them too, the idiot-machines like hammers, punching their way through stone and flesh.
Kanak finds Bhaal, but rather than fight, they try and convince each other that what they’re doing is right. Ramuh and Talli are stuck in the middle as son and father try to find common ground. At the centre of their argument is the safety of Hubris and its people. They decide that together they can drive back the enemy and mount a plan to see them destroyed.
Guts is able to communicate with the other Terrors in secret and, whilst he doesn’t have full control of Bhaal, he does have control over his kin. It targets Bhaal’s father. After their shaky reunion, Kanak is killed in the Terrors' invasion, impaled by a rogue Warden. Guts manipulates Bhaal further, turning the sorrow and confusion against the boy. The Terror causes him to become more like Kanak, leaving him unsure of who he is, his thoughts fixated on power and success.
Bhaal slaughters many Terrors, Guts’s anguish as the deed is done fuelling him to more destruction, his augmented confidence hacking away at Guts’s control; the parasites only mistake. With Ramuh and Talli, he tries tofree Hubris’s people from the enemy’s grip. Bhaal’s brothers look to him as a leader in place of Kanak, their inbred rage used in wild defence. The city starts to look up to him as a leader too as he fights for the freedom of the city and himself. The city is swarmed, but the different Wards unite as fate digs a mass grave, their grubby hands clutching at broken swords and iron bars.
Ramuh and Talli stay with Bhaal despite his inner struggle. And, while Ramuh had been Bhaal's protector at a young age, Bhaal was now protector of all.
Bhaal absorbs the Terror lurking inside him, drawing on its fluids to feed his body, Kanak's master plan not yet complete. His muscles tear, but he strikes against the Terrors in one last snatch for life. With his throat half collapsed, and his shins snapping under the weight, Bhaal fights on, Kanak's vision for a better life, free from the Terrors and rotting city, driving him; Guts’ violation of his mind and body consuming his thoughts with hate for the Terrors. He collapses, surrounded by dead Terrors, recognised as the hero he never thought he could be, the twisted champion his father planned him to be.
Bhaal's swollen body gives up and he is taken, plugged into archaic machinesstill powered by the souls of the dead. Ramuh fumbles with the machines. When he thinks Bhaal might survive, Talli thrusts a dagger into Ramuh's neck, her decision made, her loyalty to the Ward-bosses and its people. She leaves the dying brothers. The city is safe, but evil of the Terrors is replaced by that of man. A spark of soul magic keeps Bhaal alive and he closes his eyes not knowing what he will find if he awakes.
(There will be a book two, not sure how to end anovel knowing there’s a part two)
Anyway, I will love you forever if you can help me crack this synopsis barrier I have. I know I'm trying too hard and thinking about it too much, but I feel like I'm gettting there, and this version is the first one that's given me a little hope.
With the start I wanted to introduce the world a little, set the scene. With the middle, I wanted to show the MC's struggle and conflict with the creature inside him. With the end... I'm at a loss with the end. Do you see a clear structure of start middle and end, whilst at the same time reading it as if it were a short story of its own?
Any help or advice, however random, is welcome.
Thanks in advance.
EDIT: The forum's software keeps pushing words together. I think I've corrected most of it, but you never know! Also, this will be a nice birthday gift for me if I can get something going with this damn synopsis!
Synopsis - CABAL
In the dark of his father's keep, sixteen-year-old BHAAL has been experimented on, his pubescent body forced to mutate. His insane father, KANAK, has attempted to mould him into a twisted champion, the soul magic in his veins creating a misshapen weapon. He is expected to fight back against the Terrors breeding outside of the city walls. People are isolated and inbred, boys like Bhaal taught to wield a sword from the age of four. Bhaal’s time has come.
Bhaal hides in shadow as he sneaks out of Hubris through the mazeof Wards. Whilst avoiding the chaos of gang rivalry in the Wards, he is more fearful of the Wardens; giant machines powered by the souls of the dead; answerable tono one. They do their job of keeping the Terrors out, but also keep people locked in, the ancient technology lost in an age of dark magic.
He manages to escape the city and its Wardens, but without their protection he is faced with an army of Terrors using humans as hosts. At first he thinks they might be real people, but their awkward movement and wax-like skin gives them away. Bhaal is infected with one as he tries to battle the Terrors. Rather than be turned, he becomes a vessel, the soul magic in his blood giving him some life to grasp at.
Bhaal escapes back to the city with the Terror still inside him and is found by his overprotective brother, RAMUH. His first thoughts are of Kanak, of making him proud, but the entity wrapping around his innards taps into his mind. It pulls up memories of his father’s abuse, images of himself and Ramuh being whipped, their naked bodies sliced open. Bhaal argues his father’s vision, explains to the Terror that without Kankak, Hubris would have no future. It doesn’t agree and feeds Bhaal logic. It shows him that no good can come from the abuse of man, no matter their intentions. It continues to speak with him, but his internal battle isn't always noticed by his brother and they have to rely on a relationship forged in the cells of a madman to help in their struggle to become men.
Bhaal is forced to think that Kanak’s grand scheme for Hubris is born out of arrogance. He decides that for Hubris to survive, Kanak must die, but this is the Terror’s plan, the parasite pulling the strings of a naïve boy. Although Ramuh doesn’t know of the creature corrupting his brother’s mind, or its plans, he agrees with everything Bhaal has to say, his younger brother’s focus and newfound self respect something to be admired.
Kanak hunts down his sons, storming through the Wards in search of any news. Before Bhaal and Ramuh can act, the city is invaded by the Terrors. The one inside Bhaal – now called Guts – had made sure its kin saw where Bhaal had re-entered and was now leading them from inside him, although the boy doesn’t yet know.
Bhaal and Ramuh are helped by an ambitious girl called TALLI after her Ward is destroyed by the invading Terrors. She stays close to Bhaal, his soul magic and training a slither of hope in a city soon to be in flames. She is contacted in secret and has to decide whether to betray Bhaal, help him, or both; the old Ward-bosses fearful of the boy’s power. People hide in the shadows, waiting for Kanak or Bhaal to make a mistake, avoiding commitment until opportunity shines. Everyone hopes the Wardens will be enough to see the enemy off, but Terrors infect them too, the idiot-machines like hammers, punching their way through stone and flesh.
Kanak finds Bhaal, but rather than fight, they try and convince each other that what they’re doing is right. Ramuh and Talli are stuck in the middle as son and father try to find common ground. At the centre of their argument is the safety of Hubris and its people. They decide that together they can drive back the enemy and mount a plan to see them destroyed.
Guts is able to communicate with the other Terrors in secret and, whilst he doesn’t have full control of Bhaal, he does have control over his kin. It targets Bhaal’s father. After their shaky reunion, Kanak is killed in the Terrors' invasion, impaled by a rogue Warden. Guts manipulates Bhaal further, turning the sorrow and confusion against the boy. The Terror causes him to become more like Kanak, leaving him unsure of who he is, his thoughts fixated on power and success.
Bhaal slaughters many Terrors, Guts’s anguish as the deed is done fuelling him to more destruction, his augmented confidence hacking away at Guts’s control; the parasites only mistake. With Ramuh and Talli, he tries tofree Hubris’s people from the enemy’s grip. Bhaal’s brothers look to him as a leader in place of Kanak, their inbred rage used in wild defence. The city starts to look up to him as a leader too as he fights for the freedom of the city and himself. The city is swarmed, but the different Wards unite as fate digs a mass grave, their grubby hands clutching at broken swords and iron bars.
Ramuh and Talli stay with Bhaal despite his inner struggle. And, while Ramuh had been Bhaal's protector at a young age, Bhaal was now protector of all.
Bhaal absorbs the Terror lurking inside him, drawing on its fluids to feed his body, Kanak's master plan not yet complete. His muscles tear, but he strikes against the Terrors in one last snatch for life. With his throat half collapsed, and his shins snapping under the weight, Bhaal fights on, Kanak's vision for a better life, free from the Terrors and rotting city, driving him; Guts’ violation of his mind and body consuming his thoughts with hate for the Terrors. He collapses, surrounded by dead Terrors, recognised as the hero he never thought he could be, the twisted champion his father planned him to be.
Bhaal's swollen body gives up and he is taken, plugged into archaic machinesstill powered by the souls of the dead. Ramuh fumbles with the machines. When he thinks Bhaal might survive, Talli thrusts a dagger into Ramuh's neck, her decision made, her loyalty to the Ward-bosses and its people. She leaves the dying brothers. The city is safe, but evil of the Terrors is replaced by that of man. A spark of soul magic keeps Bhaal alive and he closes his eyes not knowing what he will find if he awakes.
(There will be a book two, not sure how to end anovel knowing there’s a part two)
Last edited:
