barrett1987
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Feb 3, 2014
- Messages
- 559
Hey all, ok, this is one of my first flashbacks. There is script before and after it setting Jerrod's current scene. I indicate the flashback by typing it wholly in italics. I'm wondering how the flashback does on its own though. The flashbacks aim is to explain an important plot point, drop a hint about something important later on and introduce another char.
Critique away, don't hold back. I very much enjoy hearing from experienced writers. This book will be my first.
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Jerrod looked up as the sound of a gunshot tore through the camp. Frozen in place with a bucket of water in his hands, he stood there staring towards where the sound had come from. Men all around him stopped what they were doing and looked towards the sound. As quick as the first came, two more shots followed and suddenly the men around Jerrod began running towards the centre of camp.
Dropping the bucket Jerrod ran after them trying to untangle his sword from his legs as he did. As he got closer the continuous sound of gunfire rang through the camp and the place was in chaos. All around him men were running in every direction with no leadership or purpose. A camp of a thousand well trained men had been reduced to anarchy in seconds.
Without warning a horse came galloping between two tents missing Jerrod by inches and he was thrown to the mud. Looking up at the departing horse he saw the rider pressed down towards the horse’s neck, in his arms he held a large ornate box. As Jerrod lay there he saw a few riders mount up and give pursuit.
Within moments quiet seemed to descend on the camp as people realised the danger had passed. Picking himself up from the mud, Jerrod made his way towards the very centre of camp and approached the large white tent that was the General’s preferred sleeping spot. On the floor in front of the tent lay the General, a gaping wound from his left eye. All around him men were down, mostly wounded and groaning in pain.
“Docs! We need Docs here!” A young captain was screaming for help.
Jerrod found himself frozen in place. He’d understood that an attack on the camp could happen in theory but he’d never dreamt that it actually would. The camp had represented home for a long time, now that an attack had actually happened he found he was unable to move. Shock gripped him in place. He watched as the camp’s Docs descended on the downed men. The small furry creatures hopped amongst the dead and the dying and did what little they could. Their nimble fingers worked with skill and precision in closing wounds and saving those who could be saved.
“One man….” Jerrod turned to see a small older man standing there with a look of horror on his face. The man was familiar from the card tables at night and Jerrod thought he might be called Bill. “One man did this, he ripped us apart…”
“What do you mean one man? Look around you. We’ve been hit hard” Jerrod replied incredulously.
“I know, but I saw it. It was just one man, shouting about some orb or something. Him and the General had words and then suddenly bullets were flying and people were dying.” Bill shook his head sadly. “Way of the world I guess.”
“Alive! Boss man alive. Quick, quick, helps me!” The shout had come from one of the Doc’s standing over The General’s body. Jerrod pulled his attention back to the front of the tent and watched as the men dragged the General inside. Through some unspoken agreement both men stood there and watched the tent without speaking.
As the minutes ticked on Jerrod began to seriously think that maybe it was time to go back home. He’d joined the mercenary band for an exciting life and he’d had one but this…this was too much excitement. It was one thing to go into a battle but it was another to have your home attacked without warning. With the General dying, now was the perfect time to hand in his papers and go home.
Suddenly a gut wrenching scream pierced the night, coming from the tent. One of the Docs came to the doorway jumping up and down in excitement. “Darks lady. Get witch!” Jerrod and Bill jumped to obey and set off in in different directions.
He ran through the camp shouting for her. He had no idea where she placed her head at night, if in fact she ever slept at all. After a few minutes a man shouted that she’d been seen heading south earlier and Jerrod cursed. The witch woman regularly left camp to go into the countryside. People muttered she went there to preform evil rituals and commune with demons. Spinning around he ran back towards the General’s tent. If the witch woman was out in the hills he’d never find her in time. As he arrived back at the tent he spied Bill standing in the same spot as before.
“What you doing here? Did you find her?”
“Aye, Orion have mercy but I did. She was just coming back into camp; she’d heard the gunshots and was returning anyway. I told her what went on and about the General’s state and she sped off into the tent.”
Jerrod struggled to get his breath back from the running. “Well, that’s good then, I figured she was still in the hills.”
“Not sure if it’s such a good thing I found her to be honest…” Bill muttered. “You know what she is…”
Jerrod looked at him out of the side of his eye, watching as Bill made a sign to ward off evil, not quite sure what to make of it all Jerrod kept silent. Before he could muse on it for long the tent flaps peeled back and the Docs came staggering out. The look on their small faces turned Jerrod’s blood cold.
As the Docs streamed pass, the young Captain from earlier reached out and stopped one of them. “What’s going on in there?”
“Dark lady in there. No work with her. No no no.” The small creature shuddered and then scampered off in pursuit of his brethren. The young captain cursed and watched the Doc join its brethren. A few moments later and the noises began. At first the low chanting was almost comforting but then the pitch changed and the shrieks and otherworldly roars grew louder….
Critique away, don't hold back. I very much enjoy hearing from experienced writers. This book will be my first.
--------------------------
Jerrod looked up as the sound of a gunshot tore through the camp. Frozen in place with a bucket of water in his hands, he stood there staring towards where the sound had come from. Men all around him stopped what they were doing and looked towards the sound. As quick as the first came, two more shots followed and suddenly the men around Jerrod began running towards the centre of camp.
Dropping the bucket Jerrod ran after them trying to untangle his sword from his legs as he did. As he got closer the continuous sound of gunfire rang through the camp and the place was in chaos. All around him men were running in every direction with no leadership or purpose. A camp of a thousand well trained men had been reduced to anarchy in seconds.
Without warning a horse came galloping between two tents missing Jerrod by inches and he was thrown to the mud. Looking up at the departing horse he saw the rider pressed down towards the horse’s neck, in his arms he held a large ornate box. As Jerrod lay there he saw a few riders mount up and give pursuit.
Within moments quiet seemed to descend on the camp as people realised the danger had passed. Picking himself up from the mud, Jerrod made his way towards the very centre of camp and approached the large white tent that was the General’s preferred sleeping spot. On the floor in front of the tent lay the General, a gaping wound from his left eye. All around him men were down, mostly wounded and groaning in pain.
“Docs! We need Docs here!” A young captain was screaming for help.
Jerrod found himself frozen in place. He’d understood that an attack on the camp could happen in theory but he’d never dreamt that it actually would. The camp had represented home for a long time, now that an attack had actually happened he found he was unable to move. Shock gripped him in place. He watched as the camp’s Docs descended on the downed men. The small furry creatures hopped amongst the dead and the dying and did what little they could. Their nimble fingers worked with skill and precision in closing wounds and saving those who could be saved.
“One man….” Jerrod turned to see a small older man standing there with a look of horror on his face. The man was familiar from the card tables at night and Jerrod thought he might be called Bill. “One man did this, he ripped us apart…”
“What do you mean one man? Look around you. We’ve been hit hard” Jerrod replied incredulously.
“I know, but I saw it. It was just one man, shouting about some orb or something. Him and the General had words and then suddenly bullets were flying and people were dying.” Bill shook his head sadly. “Way of the world I guess.”
“Alive! Boss man alive. Quick, quick, helps me!” The shout had come from one of the Doc’s standing over The General’s body. Jerrod pulled his attention back to the front of the tent and watched as the men dragged the General inside. Through some unspoken agreement both men stood there and watched the tent without speaking.
As the minutes ticked on Jerrod began to seriously think that maybe it was time to go back home. He’d joined the mercenary band for an exciting life and he’d had one but this…this was too much excitement. It was one thing to go into a battle but it was another to have your home attacked without warning. With the General dying, now was the perfect time to hand in his papers and go home.
Suddenly a gut wrenching scream pierced the night, coming from the tent. One of the Docs came to the doorway jumping up and down in excitement. “Darks lady. Get witch!” Jerrod and Bill jumped to obey and set off in in different directions.
He ran through the camp shouting for her. He had no idea where she placed her head at night, if in fact she ever slept at all. After a few minutes a man shouted that she’d been seen heading south earlier and Jerrod cursed. The witch woman regularly left camp to go into the countryside. People muttered she went there to preform evil rituals and commune with demons. Spinning around he ran back towards the General’s tent. If the witch woman was out in the hills he’d never find her in time. As he arrived back at the tent he spied Bill standing in the same spot as before.
“What you doing here? Did you find her?”
“Aye, Orion have mercy but I did. She was just coming back into camp; she’d heard the gunshots and was returning anyway. I told her what went on and about the General’s state and she sped off into the tent.”
Jerrod struggled to get his breath back from the running. “Well, that’s good then, I figured she was still in the hills.”
“Not sure if it’s such a good thing I found her to be honest…” Bill muttered. “You know what she is…”
Jerrod looked at him out of the side of his eye, watching as Bill made a sign to ward off evil, not quite sure what to make of it all Jerrod kept silent. Before he could muse on it for long the tent flaps peeled back and the Docs came staggering out. The look on their small faces turned Jerrod’s blood cold.
As the Docs streamed pass, the young Captain from earlier reached out and stopped one of them. “What’s going on in there?”
“Dark lady in there. No work with her. No no no.” The small creature shuddered and then scampered off in pursuit of his brethren. The young captain cursed and watched the Doc join its brethren. A few moments later and the noises began. At first the low chanting was almost comforting but then the pitch changed and the shrieks and otherworldly roars grew louder….
