Fight scene with a p.o.v switch mid fight...does it work? 737words.

[barrett1987]

Five….

Caleb’s grin widened as he watched the man approach. Avoiding capture for so long had been impressive but, as he’d known from the start, it had to end here. He was going to have to make an example of the man. People had to know that stepping out of line here meant only one thing, death. Fear was what kept a place like this working. It was simple really, if you’re customers were the toughest and meanest criminals in the land then the only way they would respect the rules was if they feared you.

Telling his men to hold , he stepped forward. “Well, look whose come crawling back. Have you come to say sorry?”

“I’m leaving and I suggest you and your boys stay out of my way.” The crowd was forming a circle around them. They sensed a show was about to begin.

“Oh boys, we’ve got ourselves a badass here.” The toughs laughed. “Now, before I end you, what’s your name?”

“You can call me Stranger.” The man’s eyes seemed to blaze and he stared hard at Caleb. He felt his throat go dry and fought the urge to take a step back. Aware of his men muttering around him he gathered his thoughts.

Fifteen…

“Heh, I was going to make this quick but if we’ve got a bonafide hero amongst us… well…., it would be churlish of me not to put on a little show” His voice sounded weak to his own ears but his men laughed and he drew strength from that. “Give the hero a weapon. We can’t have this over too quickly!” A club was tossed at Stranger’s feet.

“I’m no hero” Stranger muttered as he picked the club up from the floor.

Caleb watched as Stranger stretched out his arms and back. Finally a challenge! Stranger was meant to be the best. Men were always pushing the limits, disobeying his rules. No matter how disciplined and ruthless Caleb was, he knew they didn’t respect him. His desires for other men would always make him suspect in their eyes. When he killed Stranger all that would change, they’d never doubt him again.

Stranger began to circle and Caleb mirrored him. He was impressed. The man’s technique was flawless. Each step was perfectly poised and his legs never crossed. This was going to be fun! Smiling in anticipation, he leapt forward slashing at Stranger’s face.

*

Thirty…..

Stranger felt a whisk of air as the blade went flashing by. He brought his club up in a defensive position and continued to circle. Caleb lunged forward, thrusting towards low towards his gut. Stranger danced away.

“Come now Stranger, don’t tease all night. We’ve got an audience to entertain!”

He made no reply, focused on keeping his feet moving. The man was too fast to engage in chitchat. He watched as Caleb’s grin slipped. Maybe doubts were creeping in on the other man?
“Fine, have it your way” Caleb muttered Eye’s narrowing in concentration Caleb raised his sword in a two handed grip and began to attack with passion.
Attack after attack came and Stranger continued to sway, staying just ahead of the blade. Frustration grew and Caleb began to push harder. Stranger noted the other man’s breathing was getting heavier and his swings were slowing.

It was time to make his move. He stepped forward into Caleb’s swing rather than away and smashed his club into the blade. The sword flew from Caleb’s numbed hand. Stranger dropped his shoulder and tackled Caleb to the floor.

Forty Five….

The two men clattered to the floor and Stranger found himself pinned underneath Caleb. Caleb slammed his fist into Stranger’s face and the world began to spin. He twitched to one side, barely avoiding a second punch. He reached up and pulled at Caleb’s face. His hand moved across seeking Caleb’s eyes. Caleb turned his head away and reached down, squeezing his throat.
Over and over Stranger tried to dislodge the man above him. He thrashed and bucked trying to get purchase but Caleb kept readjusting his body, keeping his weight balanced and pushing down on Stranger’s throat. Stranger felt his muscles getting heavier. And his thrashing slowed. Unconsciousness began to take hold. His lungs burned for air. He tried one last time to get Caleb off. Darkness began to close in.

Sixty…..

The distraction, when it came, was larger than anything Stranger expected.

 

[chrispenycate]

[/Quote]

Five….

Caleb’s grin widened as he watched the man approach. Avoiding capture for so long had been impressive but, as he’d known from the start, it had to end here. He was going to have to make an example of the man. People had to know that stepping out of line here meant only one thing, death. Fear was what kept a place like this working. It was simple really,

Comma splice.

if you’re

your

customers were the toughest and meanest criminals in the land then the only way they would respect the rules was if they feared you.

Telling his men to hold, he stepped forward. “Well, look whose

who's

come crawling back. Have you come to say sorry?”

“I’m leaving and I suggest you and your boys stay out of my way.” The crowd was forming a circle around them. They sensed a show was about to begin.

“Oh boys, we’ve got ourselves a badass here.” The toughs laughed. “Now, before I end you, what’s your name?”

“You can call me Stranger.” The man’s eyes seemed to blaze and he stared hard at Caleb. He felt his throat go dry and fought the urge to take a step back. Aware of his men muttering around him he gathered his thoughts.

Fifteen…

“Heh, I was going to make this quick but if we’ve got a bonafide hero amongst us… well….,

Do you really need a comma after an ellipsis?

it would be churlish of me not to put on a little show” His voice sounded weak to his own ears but his men laughed and he drew strength from that. “Give the hero a weapon. We can’t have this over too quickly!” A club was tossed at Stranger’s feet.

“I’m no hero” Stranger muttered as he picked the club up from the floor.

Caleb watched as Stranger stretched out his arms and back. Finally a challenge! Stranger was meant to be the best. Men were always pushing the limits, disobeying his rules. No matter how disciplined and ruthless Caleb was, he knew they didn’t respect him. His desires for other men would always make him suspect in their eyes. When he killed Stranger all that would change, they’d never doubt him again.

Stranger began to circle and Caleb mirrored him. He was impressed. The man’s technique was flawless. Each step was perfectly poised and his legs never crossed. This was going to be fun! Smiling in anticipation, he leapt forward

Comma

slashing at Stranger’s face.

*

Thirty…..

Stranger felt a whisk of air as the blade went flashing by. He brought his club up in a defensive position and continued to circle. Caleb lunged forward, thrusting towards low towards his gut. Stranger danced away.

“Come now Stranger, don’t tease all night. We’ve got an audience to entertain!”

He made no reply, focused on keeping his feet moving. The man was too fast to engage in chitchat. He watched as Caleb’s grin slipped. Maybe doubts were creeping in on the other man?
“Fine, have it your way” Caleb muttered

Comma, eyes (plural not possessive)

Eye’s narrowing in concentration Caleb raised his sword in a two handed grip and began to attack with passion.
Attack after attack came and Stranger continued to sway, staying just ahead of the blade. Frustration grew and Caleb began to push harder. Stranger noted the other man’s breathing was getting heavier and his swings were slowing.

It was time to make his move. He stepped forward into Caleb’s swing rather than away and smashed his club into the blade. The sword flew from Caleb’s numbed hand. Stranger dropped his shoulder and tackled Caleb to the floor.

Forty Five….

The two men clattered to the floor and Stranger found himself pinned underneath Caleb. Caleb slammed his fist into Stranger’s face and the world began to spin. He twitched to one side, barely avoiding a second punch. He reached up and pulled at Caleb’s face. His hand moved across

Comma

seeking Caleb’s eyes. Caleb turned his head away and reached down, squeezing his throat.
Over and over

Over and over (as against 'again and again')
gives the impression they're roling together, not one continuously on top of the other.

Stranger tried to dislodge the man above him. He thrashed and bucked trying to get purchase but Caleb kept readjusting his body, keeping his weight balanced and pushing down on Stranger’s throat. Stranger felt his muscles getting heavier. And his thrashing slowed. Unconsciousness began to take hold. His lungs burned for air. He tried one last time to get Caleb off. Darkness began to close in.
Sixty…..

The distraction, when it came, was larger than anything Stranger expected.

 

[TitaniumTi]

I think the POV switch works well. I found the scene interesting and easy to read.

 

[Bowler1]

I think there is a missed a direct address comma in speech. Over used names, there really were only two of them mostly. The opening section was giving too much away for me and was mostly telling.

The switch told the POV for both characters and for me killed off a lot of the tension. The unknown, the suspense, the surprise was removed in this section, or so I felt.

Yet there was a lot to like. It was smooth and easy to read. Character development was good. You have a nice style of writing that I like. The POV switch was good, I just don't think it was needed. The POV switch killed the suspense and tension, the unknown, the what if. The Strangers (a very corny name and a little hard to believe really) uncertainty would for me, have had more impact. Good, but I think you showed too much and it didn't grab me. I wanted you to grab my attention, but you never quite got there.

Really close to the mark, good job.
Just my 2c.

 

[barrett1987]

Thank you for all the words. I've made a few changes based on what was said here. I'm considering the p.ov switch. I may change to purely caleb or purely Stranger. Not sure yet. Its easy enough to write the other way. So i'll think it over. Hopefully this shows my progress from the critiques i've been getting. I am listening to all yours words. This board rocks.

 

[tinkerdan]

Below I think you might have to many towards in the sentence.

Caleb lunged forward, thrusting towards low towards his gut.[\Quote]

I'm almost on the fence about the POV change, but I went back to basics and tried to decide what might be very important in what Stranger's POV brings out that can't be expressed by observation from Caleb.

In fact, most of what Stranger's POV does is see the flaws in Caleb's approach which I think you can drip into Caleb's consciousness while Stranger remains quiet. You can take Caleb from confident to nearly broken within his own head and that might be something the reader can latch onto.

Pretty good stuff here though. Definitely hooked me with that last line.

 

[JoanDrake]

I agree with tinkerdan. The POV change works fine, but is it necessary? Very good writing though, and I'm something of a fan of tough guy fight scenes. Given the context, however, the word "churlish" sounds odd coming from a man who just used the term "badass"

 

[barrett1987]

Edited as thread suggested. 1100 words.

Five….

Caleb’s grin widened as he watched the man approach. Avoiding capture for so long had been impressive but, as he’d known from the start, it had to end here. There was, after all, only one exit out of the Slave Pens.

He was looking forward to making an example out of the man. People needed to learn who was boss around here. Fear was what kept a place like this working. If your customers were the toughest and meanest criminals in the land, then the only way they would respect his rules was if they feared him.

Telling his men to hold, he stepped forward. “Well, look whose come crawling back. Have you come to say sorry?”

“I’m leaving and I suggest you and your boys stay out of my way.” The crowd was forming a circle around them. They sensed a show was about to begin.

“Oh boys, we’ve got ourselves a badass here.” The toughs laughed. “Now, before I end you, what’s your name?”

“My name is Stranger.”

He felt his throat go dry and fought the urge to take a step back. The man’s eyes seemed to blaze and he stared hard at Caleb. Aware of his men muttering around him he gathered his resolve and put a large grin on his face.

Fifteen…

“Heh, I was going to make this quick but if we’ve got a bonafide hero amongst us… well…. it would be churlish of me not to put on a little show” His voice sounded weak to his own ears but his men laughed and he drew strength. “Give the hero a weapon. We can’t have this over too quickly!” He proclaimed to the crowd that had stopped to watch. A club was tossed at Stranger’s feet.

“I’m no hero,” Stranger muttered as he picked the club up from the floor.

“Come now, don’t be so hard on yourself. The legendary Stranger has no need for false modesty. We’ve all heard the tale of you rescuing the king’s daughter from the mountain men! If that’s not the act of a hero then I don’t know what is.”

“That was a long time ago, besides, it wasn't no king's daughter, just a maid who’d chosen the wrong coach, that’s all. Last chance, let me leave and you'll live.” Stranger replied.

“Ahh, but a good story always needs a princess. Prepare yourself, I’ll not have it said I got lucky when I end you.”

Stranger began to stretch and Caleb watched with excitement. Men were always pushing his limits, disobeying his rules. No matter how disciplined and ruthless Caleb was, he knew they didn’t respect him. His desires for other men would always make him suspect in most eyes. When he killed Stranger all that would change, they’d never doubt him again. Stranger was meant to be the best.

Stranger began to circle and Caleb mirrored him. He was impressed. The man’s technique was flawless. Each step was perfectly poised and his legs never crossed. This was going to be fun! Smiling in anticipation, he leapt forward, slashing at Stranger’s face.

Thirty…..

The blade swept past Stranger’s face, missing by inches. He sprang back and gave a mock bow of respect.

“You move fast for an old man” he mocked.

Stranger just continued to circle, his club in a defensive position, constantly in motion. Caleb could see no gaps in the movement so would have to make them himself. He lunged forward, thrusting low towards Stranger’s gut but, again, the man danced away.

“Come now Stranger, don’t tease all night. We’ve got an audience to entertain!”

Stranger’s silence was deafening and he felt his grin slipping. He leapt forward again, faking low but coming in high and again he missed, his blade whistling through the air.

“And you move slow for a little girl.” Stranger’s voice was sharp and cut deep.

Caleb roared with rage at the insult, raising his sword in a two handed grip, he began to attack with passion. He launched attack after attack but couldn’t land anything. His sword flew through the air in a blur but each swing missed. Caleb frowned; it was as though the man knew where his strikes were coming, always a split second ahead of the blade.

He’d fought countless men in the past but none had danced away like this. It was like trying to fight water. Why wouldn’t he stand and fight! Pushing down his frustrations he threw himself at Stranger in a frenzy of slashes and sweeps. He prided himself on his speed but for the first time in his life he was facing someone who was quicker.

Forty Five….

He sucked in a lungful of air and stepped back. The sword was starting to get heavier and he knew he was tiring. Most fights took moments to finish; this had gone on too long. Stranger stood opposite him, showing no signs of fatigue. Doubt began to creep in. It took a big man to admit he was beat and Caleb realised it now. It was only a matter of time until Stranger struck back, Caleb had long since given up any sort of defence.

It was time to change things up. He caught the eye of a guard behind Stranger and winked and the guard grinned in response. He launched himself at Stranger, making no efforts at defence, his entire goal was to push Stranger back within reach of the guard.

As he brought the sword down his arm suddenly went numb. He looked down in shock. Stranger hadn’t stepped back, for the first time in the fight he had stepped forward and met the thrust. The club had struck his fingers and Caleb watched in horror as his blade slid from his numb fingers, landing softly on the floor. Panicked, Caleb threw himself at the man, tackling him down before he could bring the club to bear.

The two men clattered to the floor, twisting, he pinned Stranger beneath him. Caleb slammed his fist into Stranger’s face and watched with pleasure as the man’s eyes glazed. He brought back his fist for another strike but the man bucked beneath him and he missed, striking the floor instead. He latched his hands around Stranger throat, squeezing with all his strength. Stranger’s own hands shot out and clawed at his face, seeking his eyes.

Again and again Stranger tried to dislodge him, thrashing and bucking Stranger went wild trying to get free but he kept readjusting, keeping his weight balanced and pushed down on Stranger’s throat. Stranger’s movements got sluggish and unconsciousness began to take hold.

Sixty…..

The distraction, when it came, was larger than anything he could have expected.

 

[Aquilonian]

This revised version reads much better. If it was in a book I'd be motivated to read more to discover whether Stranger can really read Caleb's mind or anticipate his next actions by some other paranormal means.

The dialogue feels better than the narrative. I suggest you still need to "show, not tell" ie tell your story through the character's actions and words rather than by commenting on what's going on inside their heads. For example, when S calls C a girl, we already know that C is a homosexual in a macho culture, we don't need it spelled out that he attacks him with redoubled effort due to this insult. S insults C, C hits S twice as hard, the connection is obvious.

The bit about S explaining why he's not really a hero felt too much of an infodump, improbable when they're squaring up to kill each other.

Why doesn't S just hit C with the club as soon as C has dropped his sword? Does he not want to kill him?

Be careful about getting your characters strangled, because I can tell you from personal experience that you do black out very quickly, so this leaves very little time for doing or even thinking anything "again and again."