443 words - enviroment and tension.

[barrett1987]

Hey all again, a few of the common problems with my writings have been people asking for more details on feeling, emotion and im well aware that its a weakness. I've grabbed this small piece as an example where i've been writing with the goal to make the valley/building creepy and give a little insight into Medusal's thoughts on the situation. I would like advice on improvements. What am i missing, what isnt being said but should be. I post different types of scenes and then apply the critics to my entire work.

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“This place gives me the creeps”

Medusal and the young captain, Petholous, sat on their mounts. A valley spread out below them. Nestled in the middle was a flat, single storey building. It was about a hundred feet long, it walls were white but even at this distance Medusal could see cracks of disrepair. The windows were dark and there was no movement to be seen.

“You sure you want to go there alone?” Petholous continued.

“It is not a question of want. I have no choice in the matter. I will be safe.” Medusal explained with calm she did not feel.

She gazed at the building again. The surrounding area was burnt. The ground charred and black. The place appeared abandoned but she knew better than anyone that appearances could deceive.

“Are you sure you don’t want a few of the boys to go with you?” he pressed.

“I will be safe, they however, would not be. No… I will go alone” she turned to face the young captain and was surprised by the look of genuine concern she found there. “I will be fine.” she assured him. “See to the men Petholous”

“Very well” he said reluctantly. “We shall await your return here. No one will disturb you. You have my word”

“No matter what happens, do not approach the building.” She stared hard at the Captain making sure he understood turning away only when she was sure he understood.

She pressed heels to her horse and rode into the valley. As she travelled down the hill, she became aware of how quiet the valley was. A valley of this size should be teeming with wildlife but everywhere she looked there was an unnatural stillness. The silence around her began to weigh heavy.

Her horse ate up the distance, making its way towards the building. The noonday sun was high in a cloudless sky and yet with every step the gloom increased. She probed the area, seeking signs of magical illusion but found none. The gloom increased, weighing heavily upon her. She noticed her breathing had slowed, as though fearful of taking the dank air into her lungs. She increased the horse's pace.

Closer now, she was able to see the building in greater detail. The walls were in far worse a state than she had initially suspected. Everywhere she looked she saw signs of neglect. The horse reached the burnt ground and stopped. She looked down and noted that the grass seemed to have melted. She forced the horse forward and though it fought her, she finally arrived at the imposing building.

Dismounting, she tied her horse to a hitching rail and stepped carefully up the front steps, taking care to avoid the broken holes, she stood before the large ornate door.

 

[Brian G Turner]

Medusal and the young captain, Petholous, sat on their mounts. A valley spread out below them. Nestled in the middle was a flat, single storey building. It was about a hundred feet long, it walls were white but even at this distance Medusal could see cracks of disrepair. The windows were dark and there was no movement to be seen.

This is the first paragraph, and I would expect it to set the tone for what follows.

However, it's simply an objective list of things.

Ideally - and I say ideally because not all writers do it - it would be better to inflect what is seen with the character perspective.

As an experiment, stop trying to write what can be seen objectively - instead write as if the character is looking, which means they will only notice things with any meaning - and that meaning will come through with the description.

It's tough to do, but see if that helps.

 

[tinkerdan]

This is an interesting read. I liked it. I wasn't quite feeling it all. I extracted this piece to give and example.

Her horse ate up the distance, making its way towards the building. The noonday sun was high in a cloudless sky and yet with every step the gloom increased. She probed the area, seeking signs of magical illusion but found none. The gloom increased, weighing heavily upon her. She noticed her breathing had slowed, as though fearful of taking the dank air into her lungs. She increased the horse's pace.

Here I lost the sense that there were no signs of life and gained more the sense that the land was sucking up the sound, so I'm not sure if that was what you wanted.

It was difficult to tell but I almost thought you meant there was a lack of signs of life which would be more concisely understood if we could see her hearing the sound of her horse and anything else around her (her breath, the saddle or even her hair.) Without those signs that's how I gained an impression that the sound is being sucked up so we hear nothing until she notices her breathing had slowed, but even then its a physical thing rather than auditory.

Hope that's clear enough.

 

[barrett1987]

hey tinkerdan, i was hoping you would show up in this. Your style, from what i can gather is very different from mine. When it comes to description i can learn alot from you. I see what you mean.

 

[Abernovo]

Hi, barrett

I'll start by saying I like the overall imagery. I like the detail in relatively few words (although you could pare even more of them back, in my opinion).

But, I feel a distance. I'm not in the character's head. I don't know who these people actually are.

As ever, any comments are no more than my own opinion.

Hey all again, a few of the common problems with my writings have been people asking for more details on feeling, emotion and im well aware that its a weakness. I've grabbed this small piece as an example where i've been writing with the goal to make the valley/building creepy and give a little insight into Medusal's thoughts on the situation. I would like advice on improvements. What am i missing, what isnt being said but should be. I post different types of scenes and then apply the critics to my entire work.

=============================
“This place gives me the creeps”

Medusal and the young captain, Petholous, sat on their mounts. A valley spread out below them. Nestled in the middle was a flat, single storey building. It was about a hundred feet long, it walls were white but even at this distance Medusal could see cracks of disrepair. The windows were dark and there was no movement to be seen.

So it gives someone the creeps, but could you have them looking over their shoulders, with an uncomfortable feeling they were not alone, despite the evidence?

I'd also go along with Brian on this one. How does the viewer feel about the neglect? Do they notice the cracks with sadness, knowing that another winter will see the roof collapsing in on itself, like so many other local houses? Do they compare it to the fine houses they know from their own town, or does it remind them of the poor hovel they grew up in themselves? (Sorry, should have put a cliche alert before that last one. )

“You sure you want to go there alone?” Petholous continued.

“It is not a question of want. I have no choice in the matter. I will be safe.” Medusal explained with calm she did not feel.

She gazed at the building again. The surrounding area was burnt. The ground charred and black. The place appeared abandoned but she knew better than anyone that appearances could deceive.

“Are you sure you don’t want a few of the boys to go with you?” he pressed.

“I will be safe, they however, would not be. No… I will go alone” she turned to face the young captain and was surprised by the look of genuine concern she found there. “I will be fine.” she assured him. “See to the men Petholous”

“Very well” he said reluctantly. “We shall await your return here. No one will disturb you. You have my word”

Do you talk like this?
We shall, I will, it is not...or...We'll, I'll, it's not/it ain't/isn't it?
The characters are people, so make them real, and rough-edged.

Sorry. I hope you'll forgive me, but formal speech in a story (and I've seen some big-name writers do it, too) always makes me think I'm watching a 1950s film, with very proper pronunciation. These are soldiers, presumably - soldiers, officer class included, mix and pick up each other's lingo.

Closer now, she was able to see the building in greater detail. The walls were in far worse a state than she had initially suspected. Everywhere she looked she saw signs of neglect. The horse reached the burnt ground and stopped. She looked down and noted that the grass seemed to have melted. She forced the horse forward and though it fought her, she finally arrived at the imposing building.

It's burnt ground. Nice bit of detail, but how recently? Does it still smell of burning? Is it still warm, or has the rain made a dark, ashy mud? Smell is one of the most lasting senses, and is very powerful. It's also very evocative, and links into primal senses. Perhaps you could use it to show your character's thoughts and emotions?

Dismounting, she tied her horse to a hitching rail and stepped carefully up the front steps, taking care to avoid the broken holes, she stood before the large ornate door.

This is me being pedantic, but what are broken holes? It's the type of question that will take me out of a story. And, that would be a pity, as I quite like your style. A bit of polishing and I could be hooked in. Like I said, I like the imagery. It just needs a bit of work.

Best of luck.

 

[JoanDrake]

It works well for me, and I have to disagree with Abernovo that the dialogue is unrealistic. Well-disciplined subordinates do talk to superiors this way, especially in past ages and they are mounted, not in Humvees. All other crits, however, are valid IMO. It's good writing needing only minor tweaks and conveys a feeling of growing menace and creepiness very well


I really liked Brian's suggestion. I'm going to try that too.

 

[tinkerdan]

I don't really know for sure but it could be broken knot holes where there were knots in the wood. But broken holes does sound like inscrutable metaphor or something like that. How do you break holes? But then when I first heard of donut holes I thought someone was pulling my leg.

Dismounting, she tied her horse to a hitching rail and stepped carefully up the front steps, taking care to avoid the broken holes, she stood before the large ornate door.

 

[Tecdavid]

I haven't read your earlier work, but I'll give this a go!

“This place gives me the creeps” (We need to know who said this. The following paragraph doesn't make it immediately clear whether it's Madusal or Petholous.)

Medusal and the young captain, Petholous, sat on their mounts. A valley spread out below them. Nestled in the middle was a flat, single (I'd put a hyphen between these two words) storey building. It was about a hundred feet long, and its walls were white, but even at this distance Medusal could see cracks of disrepair. The windows were dark and there was no movement to be seen. This might just be me, but I'd prefer a little more detail regarding the valley and building. Is the valley lush and green beneath the sunlight, or gritty and stony beneath the clouds? Is the building rather modern, or does it have a design we'd think of as being old-fashioned? Of course, maybe you've already detailed it an earlier scene?

“You sure you want to go in(?) there alone?” Petholous continued.

“It is not a question of want. I have no choice in the matter. I will be safe.” Medusal explained with a calmness she did not feel.

She gazed at the building again. The surrounding area was burnt. The ground charred and black. The place appeared abandoned but she knew better than anyone that appearances could deceive. (This is what I meant. I think you could put these details up with the earlier paragraph that describes the place)

“Are you sure you don’t want a few of the boys to go with you?” he pressed.

“I will be safe. They, however, would not be. No… I will go alone” she turned to face the young captain and was surprised by the look of genuine (you can probably omit "genuine" here, to make the sentence flow a little smoother) concern she found there. “I will be fine.” she assured him. “See to the men, Petholous”

“Very well,” he said reluctantly. “We shall await your return here. No one will disturb you. You have my word”

“No matter what happens, do not approach the building.” She stared hard at the Captain, making sure he understood, turning away only when she was sure he understood. (Repeating exact words can read clumsily sometimes, so I'd suggest "turning away only when she was sure he did" or something similar)

She pressed heels to her horse and rode into the valley. As she travelled down the hill, she became aware of how quiet the valley was. A valley of this size should be teeming with wildlife but everywhere she looked there was an unnatural stillness. The silence around her began to weigh heavy. (you can omit "around her", since we already know the silence is all about her. But otherwise, I like the way this paragraph read)

Her horse ate up the distance, making its way towards the building. The noonday sun was high in a cloudless sky and yet with every step the gloom increased. She probed the area, seeking signs of magical illusion, but found none. The gloom increased, weighing heavily upon her. She noticed her breathing had slowed, as though fearful of taking (I think "drawing" or just "breathing" works a bit better than "taking", here. Maybe that's just me) the dank air into her lungs. She increased the horse's pace.

Closer now, she was able to see the building in greater detail. The walls were in far worse a state ("A far worse state", I'd put. I think you're trying to weave a bit of complexity into your sentences, but sometimes the simpler solutions fit the bill better. ) than she had initially suspected. Everywhere she looked she saw signs of neglect. The horse reached the burnt ground and stopped. She looked down and noted that the grass seemed to have melted (maybe she should express some amazement towards this? Or has she seen this kind of thing before?). She forced the horse forward and though it fought her, she finally arrived at the imposing building.

Dismounting, she tied her horse to a hitching rail and stepped carefully up the front steps. Taking care to avoid the broken holes, she stood before the large ornate door.

There's a few grammar errors I've pointed out, mainly regarding commas and periods, and a couple of sentences read a bit clumsily to me, but I think it's all pretty good. Most bits of description read well to me, with only a few bits maybe needing a little more.

 

[tinkerdan]

I was trying to figure out how to punch this up and all I could come up with was a bunch of flashy purple.

“This place gives me the creeps”

Medusal and the young captain, Petholous, sat on their mounts. A valley spread out below them. Nestled in the middle was a flat, single storey building. It was about a hundred feet long, it walls were white but even at this distance Medusal could see cracks of disrepair. The windows were dark and there was no movement to be seen.

“You sure you want to go there alone?” Petholous continued.

.

“This place gives me the creeps”

Trying to shake the feeling Medusal straightened her back causing the saddle to creek, echoed by the sound of Captain Petholous's own nervous movements. Her eyes tracked across the valley that crept out darkly below them. Stranded in the middle was a long lifeless building whose white walls were covered in the dust of despair and filled with darkness and shadow that still revealed the cracks of disrepair.

“You sure you want to go there alone?” Petholous continued.

But really the most it takes is showing her actions taking in what otherwise seems to be divorced from all action.

 

[Fishbowl Helmet]

A lot of what I would say has been covered, but I'll add/reiterate this: If you want the reader to feel tension, the best way to do that is have the viewpoint character feel that tension and describe or react to the environment in a creepy tension building way. You can also do this by showing that the characters are tense and/or creeped out.

 

[Chel]

The horse reached the burnt ground and stopped. She looked down and noted that the grass seemed to have melted.

Since almost everything else that I would have said has already been said, I'll only bring up this.
By saying that the horse reached the burned ground, you sort of set Medusal apart from the scene. The action of reaching the ground is made by the horse - which in my mind, makes Medusal a passive participant, a viewer of the scene.
Then Medusal looks down to notice the grass has melted. This sentence jarred me even more. I know what you're getting at, though, and I'm interesting in knowing how melted grass looks and feels like - is there a smell, or lack of one?

These two sentences gives you a great opportunity to increase the creepiness of the whole scene. You could have Medusal focus on some other detail in the surrounding area and have the melted grass crunch under the horse's hoofs. If the grass has melted into slimy slush, the horse might slip. The sudden crunch or slip could serve as a bit of a jump-scare, something sudden to make Medusal's heart beat faster.

Overall, Medusal doesn't seem particularly worried over the situation. I would like to see a bit more of her feelings or thoughts while she is approaching the house. Is she scared? Apprehensive? Just basic careful, but confident she can take care of anything she might face?