Mr Orange
Rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb...
hi guys
i've just finished one of the drafts (i forget what number) for a short story told in two different POV's and thought i'd put an excerpt up here to see whether it works or not. so i'd really like to hear any thoughts on combining the following POV's to tell the story, especially whether the "news" type POV works. i won't explain any more as i won't be able to stand at the reader's shoulder and point things out either. but, the POV's switch back and forth throughout the story although as it gets to the end, there's more from tony's POV...
so enjoy (i hope) and i look forward to your thoughts. apologies if the formatting hasn't worked - word 2010 seems to disagree with this forum...
_______________________________________________________
My name’s Tony Proctor, and I was walking Tootsie on Clapham Common when the ship appeared. And it did just appear. One second there was nothing, then Tootsie started yapping like mad and straining her little hairy body against the lead. The sky, which was pretty cloudy and dim for April, kind of shimmered and crackled.
Then the spaceship was there. It was just like the ones in those grainy fake (well I used to think they were fake) photos. Not thesaucer shaped ones, but the long ones that looked like cigars. It must have been about fifty metres long. I felt kind of bad because I knew this was apretty important thing, and there I was dressed in my old jeans and wellington boots with my hair not even brushed. If I was the first thing the aliens saw then I didn’t know what they would think. So I licked my hand and tried to smooth my hair down. Not that it did. Mum was right; it was definitely time for a haircut.
There were only two other people nearby at the time. After all, it was getting late and looked like rain. They were older than me, maybe early twenties, both in jeans and duffel coats, and had been hurrying through the common, arm in arm. The three of us (and Tootsie) kind of instinctively grouped together to look up at the dull grey thing above. Tootsie had gone quiet and didn’t pull at the lead any more.
“What’s that?” I asked, almost expecting a proper answer.
“Dunno kid,” The guy said quietly, glancing over and smiling. “But it sure is big.”
The ship came lower and lower and it began to block out what little light was left in the day. I could see that it wasn’t smooth metal on the outside, but instead was covered in lots of patches and lumpy things that stuck out of the side. It also didn’t really look like it had been built. I know that doesn’t make sense, and it’s hard to explain, but it almost looked like it had been grown. It came down right on top of us and, when it was about 30 metres above, I was sure we were going to get squashed. I looked over at the other two but they were just staring up at the spaceship. I was starting to get a bit scared. Not so much ofthe aliens, but more of getting flattened by their ship.
“Come on Tootsie.” I ordered, and tugged at the lead. But Tootsie refused to leave. “Shouldn’t we go?” I called to the couple, but they didn’t take their eyes of the ship and said nothing.
“Come on Tootsie!” I repeated, more urgently. But she wasn’t moving. I was about to start dragging her away when the ship stopped. It was only about 15 metres above us now, and we were standing well in its shadow. It was really dark.
Then there was a loud click and a hiss, and a crack of light shot out from the bottom of the ship. A circular piece of it began to breakaway. It was about 5 metres across and dropped towards the ground and, I’ll admit, I started to get scared of the aliens then. The bit coming out was actually a cylinder, not a circle, and the curved wall closest to us had an opening in it. Bright, pulsing light shone out and I could hear a strange humming sound. As soon as the cylinder touched the ground, the other two started to move towards it. Tootsie pulled hard on her lead, trying to follow them.
“Tootsie, no!” I ordered. She ignored me. “Hey where yougoin’?” I yelled to the two people, who were almost at the bright doorway. They ignored me too . Then Tootsie started to pull really hard on the lead. As the couple entered the doorway she actually managed to pull me forward a step or two. The two people disappeared into the light, and it continued to pulse and hum in, and I know this sounds silly, what I would have called a confused tone. After about 15 seconds, it suddenly went black, the cylinder began to rise, and Tootsie stopped pulling.
The cylinder had just clicked back into the ship when I heard the first sirens.
~
“The ships are approximately one hundred and fifty feet long, cylindrical and have appeared over London, Washington, Berlin, Beijing, Mumbai and Moscow.”
Dick Warbley shuffled papers and his serious face stared out at the camera from beneath slick, black hair. Behind him a photo of the alien spaceship hovered in the air above the newsdesk.
“So far there has been no contact or movement from any of the ships. They have all maintained a height of approximately one hundred metres above the ground, except for the ship over Clapham Common, which has settled at about fifteen metres. Huge crowds have formed in all locations as people wait for some kind of sign or signal from what are the very first visitors from another world to make themselves known to us here on Earth.”
Warbley flashed a smile at the camera before continuing. “We now go to Nick Holsom who is on the ground at the cordon surrounding Clapham Common…”
i've just finished one of the drafts (i forget what number) for a short story told in two different POV's and thought i'd put an excerpt up here to see whether it works or not. so i'd really like to hear any thoughts on combining the following POV's to tell the story, especially whether the "news" type POV works. i won't explain any more as i won't be able to stand at the reader's shoulder and point things out either. but, the POV's switch back and forth throughout the story although as it gets to the end, there's more from tony's POV...
so enjoy (i hope) and i look forward to your thoughts. apologies if the formatting hasn't worked - word 2010 seems to disagree with this forum...
_______________________________________________________
My name’s Tony Proctor, and I was walking Tootsie on Clapham Common when the ship appeared. And it did just appear. One second there was nothing, then Tootsie started yapping like mad and straining her little hairy body against the lead. The sky, which was pretty cloudy and dim for April, kind of shimmered and crackled.
Then the spaceship was there. It was just like the ones in those grainy fake (well I used to think they were fake) photos. Not thesaucer shaped ones, but the long ones that looked like cigars. It must have been about fifty metres long. I felt kind of bad because I knew this was apretty important thing, and there I was dressed in my old jeans and wellington boots with my hair not even brushed. If I was the first thing the aliens saw then I didn’t know what they would think. So I licked my hand and tried to smooth my hair down. Not that it did. Mum was right; it was definitely time for a haircut.
There were only two other people nearby at the time. After all, it was getting late and looked like rain. They were older than me, maybe early twenties, both in jeans and duffel coats, and had been hurrying through the common, arm in arm. The three of us (and Tootsie) kind of instinctively grouped together to look up at the dull grey thing above. Tootsie had gone quiet and didn’t pull at the lead any more.
“What’s that?” I asked, almost expecting a proper answer.
“Dunno kid,” The guy said quietly, glancing over and smiling. “But it sure is big.”
The ship came lower and lower and it began to block out what little light was left in the day. I could see that it wasn’t smooth metal on the outside, but instead was covered in lots of patches and lumpy things that stuck out of the side. It also didn’t really look like it had been built. I know that doesn’t make sense, and it’s hard to explain, but it almost looked like it had been grown. It came down right on top of us and, when it was about 30 metres above, I was sure we were going to get squashed. I looked over at the other two but they were just staring up at the spaceship. I was starting to get a bit scared. Not so much ofthe aliens, but more of getting flattened by their ship.
“Come on Tootsie.” I ordered, and tugged at the lead. But Tootsie refused to leave. “Shouldn’t we go?” I called to the couple, but they didn’t take their eyes of the ship and said nothing.
“Come on Tootsie!” I repeated, more urgently. But she wasn’t moving. I was about to start dragging her away when the ship stopped. It was only about 15 metres above us now, and we were standing well in its shadow. It was really dark.
Then there was a loud click and a hiss, and a crack of light shot out from the bottom of the ship. A circular piece of it began to breakaway. It was about 5 metres across and dropped towards the ground and, I’ll admit, I started to get scared of the aliens then. The bit coming out was actually a cylinder, not a circle, and the curved wall closest to us had an opening in it. Bright, pulsing light shone out and I could hear a strange humming sound. As soon as the cylinder touched the ground, the other two started to move towards it. Tootsie pulled hard on her lead, trying to follow them.
“Tootsie, no!” I ordered. She ignored me. “Hey where yougoin’?” I yelled to the two people, who were almost at the bright doorway. They ignored me too . Then Tootsie started to pull really hard on the lead. As the couple entered the doorway she actually managed to pull me forward a step or two. The two people disappeared into the light, and it continued to pulse and hum in, and I know this sounds silly, what I would have called a confused tone. After about 15 seconds, it suddenly went black, the cylinder began to rise, and Tootsie stopped pulling.
The cylinder had just clicked back into the ship when I heard the first sirens.
~
“The ships are approximately one hundred and fifty feet long, cylindrical and have appeared over London, Washington, Berlin, Beijing, Mumbai and Moscow.”
Dick Warbley shuffled papers and his serious face stared out at the camera from beneath slick, black hair. Behind him a photo of the alien spaceship hovered in the air above the newsdesk.
“So far there has been no contact or movement from any of the ships. They have all maintained a height of approximately one hundred metres above the ground, except for the ship over Clapham Common, which has settled at about fifteen metres. Huge crowds have formed in all locations as people wait for some kind of sign or signal from what are the very first visitors from another world to make themselves known to us here on Earth.”
Warbley flashed a smile at the camera before continuing. “We now go to Nick Holsom who is on the ground at the cordon surrounding Clapham Common…”
