Half-wrong? Quick bit of help?

[Jo Zebedee]

They kept their weapons with them all the time, and talked to each other using half-jokes half-insults, which confused him.


Or

They kept their weapons with them all the time, and talked to each other using half-jokes, half-insults which confused him.


Or

They kept their weapons with them all the time, and talked to each other using half-jokes, half-insults, which confused him.

Which is clearer? Or are they all obtuse?

 

[Mouse]

I'd wanna stick some more words in there meself. But erm...

They kept their weapons with them all the time, and talked to each other using half-jokes/half-insults which confused him.

??

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Ah, that might work.... Merci.

 

[tinkerdan]

I'm baffled:
was the whole picture confusing him?
Was it just keeping the weapons that was confusing him?
Or was it the half-jokes and half insults that confused him?

do you need all the time?
They kept their weapons with them and talked to each other using half-jokes and half-insults, which confused him.

They kept their weapons with them; they talked to each other using half-jokes and half-insults, which confused him.

They kept their weapons with them, talking to each other using half-jokes and half-insults, which confused him.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I think, voice wise, all the time fits. I should have mentioned the pov character is a 10 year old boy, sorry.

I think, if it's confusing, I'll drop the last comma and link the half joke bit to the confusion.

Thanks!

 

[Susan Boulton]

I would remove the 'at all time'as by saying they kept their weapons with them you are implying that.

I would also try and get rid of the half joke and half insult it sounds stilted, perhaps say;

Their continuing conversation a mix of jokes and insults only they appreciated, which added to his confusion.

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

I'm with Sue that you need to rewrite the sentence pretty much from scratch. Where you choose to put the commas really doesn't help.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I wonder if the all the time makes more sense in the wider context? They've been on a flight for a couple of days and if I drop it, there's no sense it was throughout the flight and not just an action in the present? And a different last line:


The soldiers started to check their equipment, focusing on their weapons and armour. They weren’t like his tribal brothers, who knew him and counted him as one. These men – and one woman, although she acted exactly like the others – were cold and unfriendly. They kept their weapons with them all the time, and insulted each other, and then laughed together, and it didn't make any sense

 

[BenSt]

Personally, the sentence doesn't make sense to me. You have two major descriptors here...1. they are always armed. 2. They tease each other with jokes and insults.

I would seperate the two ideas and devote a sentence to each. The fact that the person is confused because of how these people talk to each other has nothing to do with them being always armed. Unless, you are saying their being armed confuses?

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Good point. I had to think...

Yes, both confuse him, and they're linked. He's used to a different set up where warriors only have weapons with them in battle, and their demeanour would be serious when armed, so both are linked to his confusion.

I feel six pages a-coming on my 20 words. Oops. Sorry, all.

 

[The Storyteller]

What about something like this?

"They kept their weapons with them all the time, and their conversation was a confusing mix of insults and jokes."

That could be polished up. Not sure if that is the point you are trying to get across. I think the "all the time" works in the context and for the narrator you have, but that's just my opinion!

I suppose you could also say "they always kept their weapons with them" or "their weapons were always with them" or something like that if the specific phrase 'all the time' takes away from the sentence.

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

The soldiers started to check their equipment, focusing on their weapons and armour. They weren’t like his tribal brothers, who knew him and counted him as one. These men – and one woman, although she acted exactly like the others – were cold and unfriendly. They kept their weapons with them all the time, and insulted each other, and then laughed together, and it didn't make any sense

This sounds very good to me. Sometimes it's good to be succinct, but sometimes we can get into trouble trying to put too much information into one sentence (and tangling it all up). This gives me a complete picture of what is going on.

 

[hopewrites]

I like the third version in your OP. No clue why, sorry for that.
In the wider context it does make more sense to me. I gather that the observer is baffled by the behavior of the observed because it not only doesnt fit with what he knows, but goes against it.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

This sounds very good to me. Sometimes it's good to be succinct, but sometimes we can get into trouble trying to put too much information into one sentence (and tangling it all up). This gives me a complete picture of what is going on.

I like the third version in your OP. No clue why, sorry for that.
In the wider context it does make more sense to me. I gather that the observer is baffled by the behavior of the observed because it not only doesnt fit with what he knows, but goes against it.

Ah, no clear answer. I love it.

I think I'm with Teresa on it - the last line is stronger, I think.

And I'm glad it works in context, his is not a voice I'm comfortable in yet. Give him another 20,000 words....

 

[Brian G Turner]

Just trying to condense this a little to avoid repetition and infodump, and trying and involve the POV character a little:

The soldiers started to check their equipment, focusing on their weapons and armour. They weren’t like his tribal brothers, who knew him and counted him as one. These men – and one woman, although she acted exactly like the others – were cold and unfriendly. They kept their weapons with them all the time, and insulted each other, and then laughed together, and it didn't make any sense

The soldiers checked their weapons and armour. More than one look at him was cold, unfriendly. They insulted each other, then laughed together, always waving their loaded guns with casual abandon.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Just trying to condense this a little to avoid repetition and infodump, and trying and involve the POV character a little:



The soldiers checked their weapons and armour. More than one look at him was cold, unfriendly. They insulted each other, then laughed together, always waving their loaded guns with casual abandon.

Thanks, Brian. I think casual abandon is a little old for a ten year old, though. I think, in the context, this is clearer - he's focusing on everyone else because he's threatening to lose control of some psi powers, hence the rambling-ness of his thoughts.

 

[Brian G Turner]

No worries - merely joining in.

 

[Toby Frost]

A small and slightly pedantic additional point. In the original sentences, each comment made by the soldiers was both half-joke and half-insult. In the suggested rewrites, their conversation is made up of both jokes and insults. I think the second option is more likely to be the case.

Personally, I don’t like the “half X, half Y” format, because it’s awkward to read and looks as if it needs more punctuation, probably a distracting number of hyphens. I would be wary of using / as a punctuation mark, since it’s not one of the usual ones in novels, and, again, makes the mind stumble (my mind, at any rate). I think I’d go with Sue and Teresa’s suggestions. I also like The Storyteller's version.

 

[Mr Orange]

i like the below much better springs - i got so jarred by the half-joke half-insult line in the first posts that i couldn't focus on anything else

The soldiers started to check their equipment, focusing on their weapons and armour. They weren’t like his tribal brothers, who knew him and counted him as one. These men – and one woman, although she acted exactly like the others – were cold and unfriendly. They kept their weapons with them all the time, and insulted each other, and then laughed together, and it didn't make any sense

although i would add "were cold and unfriendly towards him" and also delete some of the ands and commas in the last line (although i couldn't figure out which ones!)

 

[tinkerdan]

It's dawned on me that part of this whole sentence and set of sentences relies on what level this ten year old is at is he precocious is he withdrawn is he sub intelligent. I try to recall when I was ten and just how much understanding I might have of half-jokes and half-insults. This may be a case where if possible it would be better to demonstrate what he sees and hears instead of trying to condense it down to half-jokes and half-insults and to then measure his response by whatever level of intelligence you are giving him.

My thought is at ten I might have just thought of them as having been picking on me because I was young. But I was a bit naive back then.