The Opening Chapter. - 580 words. - new scene.

[barrett1987]

Ok - since i started to write in Feb i've taken a lot of time to research the 'science' behind writing. Act structures, inciting events, pinch, plot turns and so on. One of the things that leapt out of me about my WiP was that my inciting events happened before the book begins. Something that could be handled by a skilled writer no doubt but for a newbie such as myself best to stick to the basics.

With that in mind, i've gone back and started work on a few scenes that happen before the failed ambush on stranger outside Steward's City. Every time i read that previous opening the same problems leapt out. We didn't care. There was no tension. This is an attempt to fix those problems.

As always tell me what ever you are willing to share. Harsh or soft, my skin is thick.

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Stranger dragged himself up the grassy hill. Taking care to keep his head down, he pulled himself, inch by inch, towards the ridge at the top. It was slow going but he didn’t rush. You didn’t last long in his kind of work without acquiring patience.

Every movement caused the pistols at his hips to dig painfully into his sides. He could have taken the holsters off but out here, in the wilds, the difference between life and death rested in the second it took to draw. Anything that slowed that was to be avoided. He gritted his teeth and kept crawling.
Finally he reached the rim of the hill. He eased his head up and peered into the glen below. Large fields, dotted with the occasional tree, stretched out before him. In the centre a large camp of many tents sprawled out hugging a small stream. It was alive with fires and noise. A large white tent stood in the centre and drew his eye. Even at this distance he could see that it was pristine. A beacon of white that glowed compared to the drabness around it. Stranger smiled. It seems the rumours were true. The General was a peacock who liked the finer things in life. A man like that shouldn’t be too difficult to manage.

An itch formed between his shoulder blades. This seemed too easy. It was never this easy. He considered leaving. It wasn’t too late. He could turn around, crawl back down to his mount and be miles from here before the sunset. By tomorrow night he could be home, back in his wife’s arms and all this would be a distant memory.

He allowed the thought to sit for a moment, enjoying the make believe of it then hawked some flem and spat it to one side. Walking away wasn’t an option. Bad feeling or no bad feeling, a job was a job and he’d finish it, no matter what.
The sounds of laughter cut through the warm evening air and he watched men move among the fires, laughing and joking amongst themselves. They made no attempt at keeping the noise down even though every bark of laughter bounced among the steep hills and could be heard miles away. He wasn’t surprised. They were by far the largest band of troops in the area. There wasn’t much for them to fear out here.
He started to count the men but stopped at a hundred. After you got to a hundred what did it matter? After that the difference was dead quickly or dead quicker. If it came to a stand up fight he’d be lucky to draw his gun before he was cut down.

He bit hit lower lip and frowned down at the camp below. The old man had promised that this was a simple job. One pick up, the price already paid. Why then was he so nervous? Maybe he was getting paranoid in his old age? He started to reach rub his cheek but stopped himself. He wasn’t much of a card player but even he knew that tell. There was no need to be nervous. The old man had given his word.

He glanced towards the sky and noted the sun’s position. It would be dark soon. If he was going to do this then it had to be now. He took a deep breath and stood up. His profile pierced the skyline and cries of alarm rose from the camp.

 

[The Storyteller]

Well I haven't read what you had before, but I'll give you my opinion on what I've read here!

Stranger dragged himself up the grassy hill. Taking care to keep his head down, he pulled himself, inch by inch, towards the ridge at the top. It was slow going but he didn’t rush. You didn’t last long in his kind of work without acquiring patience. (JMO, but I think you could leave out the word acquiring here.)

Every movement caused the pistols at his hips to dig painfully into his sides. He could have taken the holsters off but out here, in the wilds, the difference between life and death rested in the second it took to draw. (I like these two sentences!) Anything that slowed that was to be avoided. (This one could be revised or left out) He gritted his teeth and kept crawling.
Finally he reached the rim of the hill. He eased his head up and peered into the glen below. Large fields, dotted with the occasional tree, stretched out before him. In the centre a large camp of many tents sprawled out hugging a small stream. It was alive with fires and noise. A large white tent stood in the centre and drew his eye. Even at this distance he could see that it was pristine. A beacon of white that glowed compared to the drabness around it. Stranger smiled. It seems the rumours were true. (Lots of choppy, sort of passive statements. At the least, I would try putting some sentences together, like a semi-colon after pristine. Also you could combine the sentence about the large camp and alive with fire and noise) The General was a peacock who liked the finer things in life. A man like that shouldn’t be too difficult to manage.

An itch formed between his shoulder blades. This seemed too easy. It was never this easy. He considered leaving. It wasn’t too late. He could turn around, crawl back down to his mount and be miles from here before the sunset. (before sunset or before the sun set) By tomorrow night he could be home, back in his wife’s arms and all this would be a distant memory. (I like this paragraph. Gets my interest!)

He allowed the thought to sit for a moment, enjoying the make believe of it (I would rephrase the 'make believe of it' part) then hawked some flem and spat it to one side. Walking away wasn’t an option. Bad feeling or no bad feeling, a job was a job and he’d finish it, no matter what. (I like how this shows us his personality/character. A good way to fit it in!)
The sounds of laughter cut through the warm evening air and he watched men move among the fires, laughing and joking amongst themselves. They made no attempt at keeping the noise down even though every bark of laughter bounced among the steep hills and could be heard miles away. He wasn’t surprised. They were by far the largest band of troops in the area. There wasn’t much for them to fear out here.
He started to count the men but stopped at a hundred. After you got to a hundred what did it matter? After that the difference was dead quickly or dead quicker. If it came to a stand up fight he’d be lucky to draw his gun before he was cut down.

He bit hit lower lip and frowned down at the camp below. (Maybe lose the biting his lower lip? I feel there could be other mannerisms that would convey his unease but feel more fitting with his character. Just a thought!) The old man had promised that this was a simple job. One pick up, the price already paid. Why then was he so nervous? Maybe he was getting paranoid in his old age? He started to reach rub his cheek (reach rub his cheek? lol) but stopped himself. He wasn’t much of a card player but even he knew that tell. There was no need to be nervous. The old man had given his word. (I like this paragraph, again, creates interest and serves as a good introduction to the character.)

He glanced towards the sky and noted the sun’s position. It would be dark soon. If he was going to do this then it had to be now. He took a deep breath and stood up. His profile pierced the skyline and cries of alarm rose from the camp. (Love the ending! I like the writing (especially his profile piercing the sky) and it does interest me. If I picked up this book I would want to know what happens next!)

Seems pretty good to me. I found it interesting, and it gave us a good introduction to the character's personality. It left me interested to find out what he is 'picking up' and what will happen. Clearly he is uneasy, which probably means things aren't going to turn out the way he wants them to!


These are my thoughts as a reader by the way, I'm still a novice at writing! Take it or leave it as it suits you.

 

[Brian G Turner]

Every time i read that previous opening the same problems leapt out. We didn't care. There was no tension. This is an attempt to fix those problems.

Usually that's due to the character experience, so I wouldn't worry too much about inciting incidents at this point.

And I'm happy to see the character experience much stronger in this - the edging up, feeling the pistols dig into his hips.

Really, it's a world apart from what I've critiqued previously for you - much better, much more rounded, and more focused. You bring us into a set up, and move on quickly.

A couple of very minor quibbles:

1.

peered into the glen below. Large fields, dotted with the occasional tree

I became a little confused here - a glen is a wood that follows a small river or stream - by putting this first, it seemed to take precedence over the description after. I know what you meant, but my initial reaction was to see a contradiction: a glen ... with no trees. Perhaps put the biggest feature first - the fields - then the glen as a minor feature. Also makes it clear there is plenty of room for this soldiering camp.

2.

An itch formed between his shoulder blades. This seemed too easy. It was never this easy. He considered leaving. It wasn’t too late. He could turn around, crawl back down to his mount and be miles from here before the sunset. By tomorrow night he could be home, back in his wife’s arms and all this would be a distant memory.

I like the first few sentences - it starts to set up a real feeling of tension - and also demonstrates your protag as a thinking character.

However, what threw me out of the text in the first reading was him suddenly thinking of home. I presume this was because of a sense of safety and comfort there, but considering he's already made such a big effort to be there then this is a decision he's already long faced down.

I think what I mean to say is that some greater clarity of the stakes here might be helpful, otherwise, the danger is that the last line in that bit may take the edge of the opening of the same section. Don't denigrate any build up of tension, especially as in this instance I read it more as an infodump - "I am happily married!" rather than anything else. Simply an interpretation, though.

3.

I did want more of an explanation of what was actually going on - why was stranger there? What was he doing?

This really isn't a criticism, though. A good writer will raise questions the reader will gnaw on and keep reading to see answered.

4.

Stranger, as a name. I'm sure you have your reasons, but at the moment it comes across as a nickname, and one that demands emotional separation and distance, which IMO is a dangerous thing to suggest of a main character. Does he not have a proper name? Simply asking.

5.

Context. Always a good thing to open clearly with. I'm presuming we're talking about something with a cowboy/Western feel? The character of stranger suggests that, but I didn't notice any other cues that might suggest the time and place - ie, beaver wraps, make of rifles the soldiers carried, where Stranger thought the troops might have travelled from, horses - any little words that immediately drag a sense of context into the prose, and make it just that little bit richer. For example - the white tent - does it appear to be made of canvas, linen, or silk?


As you can tell, my quibbles are minor - they are not really criticisms, simply little things that came to mind as a reader.

Overall, this is a much better piece and it's good to see that you are working well on improving your writing, not least reading around the subject, and then putting it into practice. You've done well to get this far.

There's room for a couple of edits, but otherwise, I'd be quite chuffed, if I were you.

 

[alchemate]

The information you ended the piece with is information I'd start with. Because then you read that whole piece with the tension and fear of how the ambush is going to turn out hanging over your head. That's what would keep me engaged.

 

[tinkerdan]

I really like this a lot or with shorthand alot.

With that in mind I've only a couple of things I noticed. One would be short sentences. And there is nothing wrong with short sentences, but the second paragraph seems to have many grouped in one spot kinda like the target my wife just brought back from the shooting range. You might want to look at those unless that's deliberate. Since that's a tense paragraph the short sentences might have been deliberate for more accent.

Another is the 'Make believe' perhaps pretense would work better there.

Also the bit with his wife does seem a bit inserted, but to that I'd ask-if memory serves me correctly- is this just before the wife is taken and would it have made a difference if he had gone back, because then I could see the compelling reason and connection for inserting that thought. And the progression you used is not all that bad it just is 50 50 that the reader might see it as an odd insertion.

Also the inciting incident is a good thing for you to know and have clear in your mind as you go but I'm not sure if this is vastly important to the rest and I think that will become more clear when you finish the whole because things always look different when you have the whole thing together and it might be that you could position it anywhere or even leave it out. It could look like tiny trickling dribbles as the story unfolds.

The only thing about this piece is that it feels like it's a lead-in to the inciting incident and I didn't feel that that's happened yet.

 

[Bowler1]

Stranger dragged himself up the grassy hill. Taking care to keep his head down, he pulled himself, inch by inch, towards the ridge at the top. It was slow going but he didn’t rush. You didn’t last long in his kind of work without acquiring patience. Nice opening.

Every movement caused the pistols at his hips to dig painfully into his sides. He could have taken the holsters off but out here, in the wilds, the difference between life and death rested in the second it took to draw. Anything that slowed that was to be avoided. He gritted his teeth and kept crawling. – Mostly telling. The fact he is wearing holsters tells the reader there is danger about. The rest is telling and not needed.
Finally he reached the rim of the hill. He eased his head up and peered into the glen below. Large fields, dotted with the occasional tree, stretched out before him. In the centre a large camp of many tents sprawled out hugging a small stream. It was alive with fires and noise. A large white tent stood in the centre and drew his eye. Even at this distance he could see that it was pristine. A beacon of white that glowed compared to the drabness around it. Stranger smiled. It seems the rumours were true. The General was a peacock who liked the finer things in life. A man like that shouldn’t be too difficult to manage. The last line is telling and ruins the suspense for me. Let me form my own judgement of the General when you introduce the character. Why describe fields when the tents were the key item?

An itch formed between his shoulder blades. This seemed too easy. It was never this easy. He considered leaving. It wasn’t too late. He could turn around, crawl back down to his mount and be miles from here before the sunset. By tomorrow night he could be home, back in his wife’s arms and all this would be a distant memory. – Ok, but if the character had doubts would he not have turned around way before this.


From here all the sections start with “he”. I read on, but felt it was too long and needed to be much more concise. The remaining 300 words of character indecision demands a lot of the reader – or so I think. Above was also a little too long for me, but mostly the telling and pushing the reader through the plot is what put me off. Trust the reader with your setup. Assume we’re an intelligent bunch and get the idea. Most importantly, allow the reader to form their own judgements and pictures, it is after all what we read for. Focus on keeping the plot moving and resist the urge to give the plot away with too much telling. You removed nearly all the suspense above, undoing all your good work.

However, I thought it was good. Some style and voice is beginning to show and that’s a good thing.

 

[barrett1987]

Bit of a challenge for you all.
Here is 58 words.

Outside the tent a man sat at a table. Covered by cloth and loaded with plates of food, the scene was jarring. The man picked at his food with a small knife and fork. Stranger couldn’t help but be struck by the primness of it. He hadn’t expected this. At the man’s feet sat an ornate white box.

This paragraph is rubbish but i've muddled with it for awhile and cant get it quite right. Does anyone want to take a stab at it?

Stranger has just turned a corner and is seeing the white tent up close for the first time. The important parts to convey here are the table cloth has to be on the table. The man has to give off an aura of... prim and proper which jars with the nature of the camp.. I thought i could do it through the way he eats with a knife and fork....and the white ornate box should be on hand too.

I wouldn't ask but i've been knocking my head against a wall with this.

Slices of pork are piled on the plates. I forgot drink. I'll need to add that in too.

This is the first 'inciting' event. Stranger meets the General. Things go bad. Stranger ends up shooting General which leads to a few thigns that end with General chasing Stranger throughout the book while Stranger seeks wife from slavers (the other inciting event)

I just liked the idea of, in this camp of soldiers, Stranger and the General sit down across from each other and have a meal while its nervy and tense.

I'll work out the paragraph eventually. - edit i think the reason i don't like the paragrpahs is because i dont draw Strangers views into it. ts just a list of items he see's.
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[Brian G Turner]

What's the man eating? What is he eating and drinking from?

 

[Erin99]

Hi!

The main issue I have with the paragraph is you've got a dangling modifier (that sounds nasty! ). Read this:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dangling_modifier


In your example, you're saying the SCENE was covered by cloth and loaded with food...

I think you don't have to state about the primness of it, either, because if you get your description right, we'll see the contrast between it and the scene around it. Just describe the disarray of the camp that he sees as he steps outside, then have his eyes drawn to the general and the way the general is eating, all proper-like, at a table with a knife and fork. Readers can do the rest. You can even state a thought or two about the surreal nature, if you must.

And this is just my opinion, but with the "couldn't help but be", I feel it would be stronger to say: "Stranger was struck by the primness of it", if you have to have the line at all. The other way sounds too hesitant.

Just my opinion, though, so use or lose as you please. Good luck!

 

[tinkerdan]

You might step into stranger mode and just look at the scene and think of the expectation.

He'd expected a beast of a man with bone in hand, not a gentleman with knife an fork. Grease and grizzle dripping from the mouth and down the beard, not the soiled cloth napkin. And a flagon of ale not a wine glass and port. This illusion didn't belong here.

 

[Bowler1]

Outside the tent a man sat at a table. Covered by cloth and loaded with plates of food, the scene was jarring. The man picked at his food with a small knife and fork. Stranger couldn’t help but be struck by the primness of it. He hadn’t expected this. At the man’s feet sat an ornate white box.


In red I think is leading the reader again and your not actually letting us arrive at our own expectations. You've set the scene up correctly, trust your judgement.


Also - if Stranger has been escorted through an armed camp with soldiers guarding him, would it not be fairly clear this was the "General". Some saluting and clicking of heels would help set this up and take the remote and distant "man" and make him the "General" we're expecting to see. This distance you create as a writer also pushes the reader back too. I know what your thinking, Stranger doesn't know what the General looks like and the General only becomes the General when they are introduced. Correct. But why do this? If the General if an important character BIG him up, make it clear from the get go this is the General and he is important to this section of the story. Get my interest going, tease me, drag me into your story by the scruff of the neck. Not this - "man" - If you don't think he is important why should I the reader?


Soap box away, rant over - grrrr - I'm calm.

 

[barrett1987]

hmmn, very interesting points Bowler. Got my brain ticking. thanks all.

 

[Toby Frost]

Personally, I would write this:

Outside the tent a man sat at a table, an ornate white box at his feet. The table was covered by a white cloth, laid as if for dinner in a country house. The man picked at his food with a small knife and fork. Stranger paused, [surprised].

Thoughts:
- I've tried to group the description into "man" and "table". Personally, I'd say something about the man, even if it's just "a man in a clean uniform" or something like that. My mental image is of a military officer, but I don't know why. Likewise, perhaps a different word for "box", unless Stranger really can't tell. A trunk or chest, perhaps?
- I've removed the word "scene" so as not to remind the reader that this isn't real life being described (a very minor and me-specific thing, this, so don't worry).
- I've made Stranger pause, so as to give him a physical response. Given that the scene has made him stop, I've not said that he was startled by it, because otherwise he probably wouldn't stop. The word "surprised" isn't really needed, and personally I'd drop it and then have him do something else, like approach, after pausing.

Leisha is right: in the sentence "Covered by cloth and loaded with plates of food, the scene was jarring", it is the scene that is covered by cloth and loaded with food. The table actually isn't in the sentence at all. It's also worth mentioning that I don't think anyone could come up with a perfect version of this sentence, so I wouldn't spend too long worrying. There's lots of ways of doing it.

Oh, and the passage you posted at the start of the thread reads much better to me than some of your earlier stuff. Good work!

 

[barrett1987]

Revised the opening and have it at this level now. - thank you all for your help. - I'm going to leave it at this state until the entire story is finished then relook at it.

549words.
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Stranger dragged himself up the grassy hill. Taking care to keep his head down, he pulled himself, inch by inch, towards the ridge. It was slow going but he didn’t rush. You didn’t last long in his kind of work without patience.

Every movement caused the pistols at his hips to dig painfully into his sides. He could have taken the holsters off but out here in the wilds, the difference between life and death rested in the second it took to draw. He gritted his teeth and kept crawling.

Finally he reached the rim of the hill. He eased his head up and peered over. Fields, dotted with the occasional tree, stretched out before him. In the centre a sprawling camp, alive with fires and noise, was pitched around a small stream. A large white tent - the General’s tent if his information was correct - drew his eye. Stranger smiled, A little showy but each to their own.

An itch formed between his shoulder blades. This was too easy and it was never this easy. He had learnt a long time ago to trust his instincts and right now his instincts were screaming at him. He considered leaving. It wasn’t too late. He could turn around, crawl back down to his mount and be miles from here before the sun set. By tomorrow night he could be home, back in his wife’s arms and all this would be a distant memory.

He allowed the thought to sit for a moment, enjoying the fantasy of it then hawked some flem and spat it to one side. Walking away wasn’t an option. Bad feeling or no bad feeling, a job was a job and he’d finish it, no matter what. He just wished he could pinpoint exactly what was bothering him.

Laughter cut through the warm evening air and he watched men move among the fires, jesting amongst themselves. The shrieks and cheers of men deep into their cups echoed off the steep hills around him. They made no attempt at keeping the noise down. He wasn’t surprised. They were by far the largest band of troops in the area. There wasn’t much for them to fear out here.
He started to count the men but stopped at a hundred. After you got to a hundred what did it matter? If things went bad and it came to fighting he’d be lucky to draw his gun before he was cut down.

He chewed at the inside of his cheek and frowned down at the camp. The old man had promised that this was a simple job. One pick up, the price already paid. Why then couldn’t he shake this feeling? Maybe he was getting paranoid in his old age? He started to rub his cheek then stopped. He wasn’t much of a card player but even he knew that tell. He forced his hand back down. There was no need to be nervous. The old man had given his word.

He glanced towards the sky and noted the sun’s position. It would be dark soon. If he was going to do this then it had to be now. He took a deep breath and stood up. His profile pierced the skyline and cries of alarm rose from the camp.



====================
the purpose of my opening chapters is to show Stranger as a careful, calmer, more organised guy. A man who looks at every angle and doesn't allow his emotion to rule him. This will make his ''descent'' (note the story title) more effective. As the story goes on , and his concern for marissa takes hold, his temper slips more, he makes mistakes, gets into problems that calm early stranger would of seen and avoided.

 

[Cat's Cradle]

I've been following your progress here, Barrett, the last month or so, and I wanted to say congrats! You've come a long way! I really admire your work ethic. Keep at it, and best of luck! CC

 

[lonewolfwanderer]

barrett I enjoyed that opening. Now I'm left with "what happens" ringing in my head and i'm looking forward to reading the rest in the future.