New Opening Scene... Does it work?

[lonewolfwanderer]

I haven't posted a critique in a while. I've been reworking the story a bit, and came up with a different opening which i do like, but i don't know if it works.

The most important thing: do you get a feel of who William is?

Also i've tried to seperate the internal thoughts and the narrative by using different tenses (Past for narrative, present for internal thoughts). Does it work?

As always, don't hold back.

(410 words)

***​

“Hush-a-by baby on the tree top-” Blood is everywhere.

“-When the wind blows the cradle will rock-” The muffled screams of death fills the air.

“-When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall-” The putrid smell of ****, blood and urine is overwhelming.

“-And down will fall baby, cradle and all.” I’ve seen it before…

##​

“William!” I heard a voice through the darkness, and felt numerous eyes on me. I stirred. Where am I? I can’t remember.

“William!” The voice was louder, more fierce. Whoever was calling me seemed angry. Why are they angry? Did I do something? Should I apologise?

Something hard hit my head, leaving behind a dull throbbing. I opened my eyes and before me lay a duster, out of place amongst the clutter on the desk. That explains what hit me.

I rubbed the hotspot, wincing at the brief tenderness.

“William!”

I looked up. A man with greying hair stood ahead, glaring at me - that explains who threw the duster. I recognised him, but who is he?

“If you insist on sleeping in my class, at least do it quietly!”

I looked at him blankly before realizing where I was. I noticed the other students staring at me, my head still throbbing. A cold sweat caused my clothes to stick to my skin. I had that nightmare again, here of all places too.

The bloody image was still fresh in my head. It’s happening more frequently now, the dreams, but I don’t understand it.

I rubbed the sleep from my eyes, and the sweat from my forehead. Maybe I should go wash my face?

I raised my hand.

“Now that I have everyone’s attention,” the professor began, ignoring me. “I think it’s time to introduce the new transfer student.”

New transfer student? Isn’t that supposed to be done during homeroom? I lowered my hand and let my eyes wander to where the student stood, silent. His grey eyes looked right at me, leaving an uneasy feeling inside my gut.

“Glade Ottimo-” Glade Ottimo? That name’s foreign. “-will be joining our class from now on. Please treat him well.”

The blonde haired student found his way to the empty seat at the back of the class. He didn’t take his eyes off me until he passed by. The closer he got, the more uneasy I felt. I didn’t like him at all but I couldn’t help thinking, who is he?

 

[alchemate]

I think this works better if you leave out the opening part, when he's in a dream. And have him describe the dream after he awakens, as you've already had him do, but more vividly. Everything is fine as far as the getting to know William part.

 

[lonewolfwanderer]

I think this works better if you leave out the opening part, when he's in a dream. And have him describe the dream after he awakens, as you've already had him do, but more vividly. Everything is fine as far as the getting to know William part.

Thanks. Ye i'm feeling a bit of de ja vu with that lol... That intro i do like in there, but i'm not sure if i should merge the two scenes. Actually i know what i'll do... let's see if it works. I'll post it up when i'm done!

 

[lonewolfwanderer]

If it weren't alchemate i wouldn't have come up with this idea. let's see if it works... I'd rather you read this one lol although there aint much different. I just merged the scenes for a different effect... hopefully!

I apologise for being too quick... I just had to get it in there, and the edit had already expired.

Oh and i'm not sure whether the italics parts need to be italics. Let me know.

***​

“Hush-a-by baby on the tree top-” Blood is everywhere.

“William!” I heard a voice through the darkness, and felt numerous eyes on me. I stirred. Where am I? I can’t remember.

“-When the wind blows the cradle will rock-” The muffled screams of death fills the air.

“William!” There’s that voice again. Why is it calling me?

“-When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall-” The putrid smell of ****, blood and urine is overwhelming.

“William!” The voice was louder, more fierce. Whoever was calling me seemed angry. Why are they angry? Did I do something? Should I apologise?

“-And down will fall baby, cradle and all.” I’ve seen it before…

Something hard hit my head, leaving behind a dull throbbing. I opened my eyes and before me lay a duster, out of place amongst the clutter on the desk. That explains what hit me.

I rubbed the hotspot, wincing at the brief tenderness.

“William!”

I looked up. A man with greying hair stood ahead, glaring at me - that explains who threw the duster. I recognise him, but who is he?

“If you insist on sleeping in my class, at least do it quietly!”

I looked at him blankly before realizing where I was. I noticed the other students staring at me, my head still throbbing. A cold sweat caused my clothes to stick to my skin. I had that nightmare again, here of all places too.

The bloody image was still fresh in my head. It’s happening more frequently now, the dreams, but I don’t understand it.

I rubbed the sleep from my eyes, and the sweat from my forehead. Maybe I should go wash my face?

I raised my hand.

“Now that I have everyone’s attention,” the professor began, ignoring me. “I think it’s time to introduce the new transfer student.”

New transfer student? Isn’t that supposed to be done during homeroom? I lowered my hand and let my eyes wander to where the student stood, silent. His grey eyes looked right at me, leaving an uneasy feeling inside my gut.

“Glade Ottimo-” Glade Ottimo? That name’s foreign. “-will be joining our class from now on. Please treat him well.”

The blonde haired student found his way to the empty seat at the back of the class. He didn’t take his eyes off me until he passed by. The closer he got, the more uneasy I felt. I didn’t like him at all but I couldn’t help thinking, who is he?

 

[alchemate]

Eureka! I have to read this story when you finish! Writing it like this confuses and intrigues me at the same time; which is good. I don't know exactly what's happening or why but I want to find out.

Its amazes how such a small change can have a major impact on the story.

 

[tinkerdan]

Yeah, the second one is definitely tops.

 

[Phyrebrat]

Deletes in red
Additions/edits in blue

“Hush-a-by baby on the tree top-” Blood is everywhere.

“William!” I heard a voice through the darkness, and feel numerous eyes on me. I stirred. Where am I? I can’t remember.

“-When the wind blows the cradle will rock-” The muffled screams of death fills the air. Does death have a muffled scream? Isn't death silent? Also I think muffle and scream contradict themselves. Maybe change to something like 'the screams of the dying fill the air.'

“William!” There’s That voice again. Why is it calling me?

“-When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall-” The putrid smell of ****, blood and urine suggest something like 'human waste' is overwhelming. 'Overwhelming' seems a little I don't know...unimaginative.

“William!” The voice was Louder, more fierce. Whoever is calling me seemed is angry. Why are they angry? Did I do something? Should I apologise?

“-And down will fall baby, cradle and all.” I’ve seen this before…

Something hard hit my head, leaving behind a dull throbbing. I opened my eyes and before me lay a duster, out of place amongst the clutter on the desk. That explains what hit me.

This could be restructured to something like;

I jolted/snapped/etc awake as something hard hit my head and looked down to see a duster amongst my desk clutter.

I rubbed the throbbing bump now rising on my head, wincing at the brief tenderness.

“William!”

I looked up. A man with greying hair stood ahead, glared at me. that explains who threw the duster (we get it, you don't need to highlight this). I recognise him, but who is he? He looks familiar.

“If you insist on sleeping in my class, at least do it quietly!” See my note below.

(I stopped here - I didn't want to rewrite it in my style as it would lose your voice. )

I found it a little confusing, or perhaps disjointed. If you're trying to create a sense of rude awakening/confusion in the character (and not the reader), I'd suggest looking at your syntax and choice of words, to allow things to flow easier. Also be mindful of tense. I understand what you aiming to do with the present and past tenses, but later on you also mix both in the same sentence. It's hard to keep on top of sometimes, when playing with tense, so you really need to go over with a fine tooth comb.

I know that's a lot of red and blue, but I don't feel convinced by the internal dialogue, which to me should be almost like a mental shorthand. When you think, do you think in these long, wide-eyed, uncontracted sentences, or is it more a case of fleeting images and sensations? To get that across, the use of fragments can be really effective. I've tried to give you an idea of that by shortening the internal dialogue.

The use of a nursery rhyme is a bit clichéd to me, too, but I don't know if that particular one is crucial to the story.

For me most of the issues are with constructing your sentences economically. Someone having odd (day)dreams and being woken by a duster will be discombobulated and this can be effectively shown by your syntax and pacing. It all seems very laid back and chilled out as it is - he seems to be taking stock of what is going on, having a bit of a think, and then assessing it. A truer reaction would be shock, disgust, confusion, embarrassment etc. Immediate, visceral responses and reactions in other words.

The teacher's reaction ("at least do it quietly") makes me feel like he doesn't take his job as educator seriously. As a teacher myself, if a student fell asleep in my class, they would not get off this lightly! )

I hope my opinion can be of help. It's hard putting something up for crit when someone replies with loads of issues they had; trust me, I've been on the receiving end.

pH

 

[JoanDrake]

I don't know about the dream opening. I've been told agents dislike it as cliché. What you're trying with it is very challenging too


NO teacher in a modern classroom would EVER throw anything at a student, sleeping or not. If it's the 19th century or another world, maybe, but in the present day it just won't happen


Notwithstanding, it's an intriguing opening and I would keep reading

 

[Bowler1]

I only read the second post.


To be fair I thought it well written and controlled, it just didn't do it for me. As ever it's the dream scenes, a well managed one this time, but I still feel the confusion you created so well. You wrote a disjointed and muddled scene, you shouldn't be surprised when someone comes back and says these were the emotions I was left with. Also to be fair, I would read on, but you'd have to work hard to keep me with this dream opening. However, lots of other people will disagree with me and like this, of that I'm sure.


On a sense of reality, you lost me. No teacher would ever throw anything at a student these days - they'd lose their job. This is a modern classroom, I think you should write it as such.

 

[lonewolfwanderer]

Hahaha, you've never been to a South African school then. Okay, i don't know what they are like now because i graduated back in 2008, but I was always thrown with stuff... A book, a duster, even a shoe at one point... fun times. But at the end of the day, this is a fantasy-ish story, so I'm not really worried about it fitting in with reality.

And the confusion was intentional. My brother often wakes up not knowing where he is, and often talks about things completely out of context with the situation. I'm trying to imitate that disjointedness and confusion, whilst still having the intrigue needed to drive the story.

And i know dream scenes are cliched, that's why i tried to keep it brief and did what i did. But it is important- its him beginning to remember his past. Whether it worked or not is another matter.
Oh and the nursery rhyme is something his mother sang to him as a kid... Now that is also cliched, i think

The overall impression from you guys is generally positive, so i'll just tidy it up and make a few corrections, then move on to the next scenes.

Thanks for the input!

 

[tinkerdan]

Dream sequence is a cliché is a trope is a device.

To be honest a dream sequence is part of the framing devices. It's often used to tell us something about the character.

One reason it is rejected these days at the beginning of a book or scene is because of the focus on having a scene full of action that is meaningful to the plot and character development. And there's the reality that people have varied opinions on what a real dream is so it tends to get put in a category of unreality. Stating a story with an unreality as character development might have a negative influence.

On the other-hand since falling asleep in classes is a part of this character and his development it works. It won't work for everyone because some people have been told to look at it either as a cheat or a cliché so you have to decide if its worth the risk. And I would have to agree that even in this civilized world people still throw things at other people to get attention and in some venues it goes unpunished.

This dream sequence is short- the hard disoriented awakening is troubling since it borders on sleepwalking which seems to be part of a strange set of disorders which include conditions where their consciousness has altered into a state in which it is harder to recall memories.

Overall it's a judgment call and will likely gain some resistance and possibly be avoided when possible although it's a great way to cull your readers if you were so inclined.