Attempting to get information across without infodumping (

[Nerds_feather]

From a WIP I've got going, a sort of "fantasy noir" piece. Any advice appreciated!

After Sister Threxes left, I told Feris to close up and go home for the day. I took a healthy pull of the wineskin and put my leathers on—the kind that could take a cut for you here and there.

Before leaving I made sure to hide a dirk in the special fold I’d sown into the jacket. After all, the law said you could carry a long sword, but not anything that might actually be of use in the tight alleys and quays of Portside. I guess I could see the sense in that, provided the guards turned a blind eye when professionals took precautions. And they did, most of the time. But that was only because, nine times out of ten, we didn’t draw.

Thing was, I had a bad feeling tonight might be number ten.

 

[Victoria Silverwolf]

This seems perfectly fine to me. The narrator has a good reason to discuss the law, so giving the reader the information in this way works well.

 

[lonewolfwanderer]

I'm no professional, but I think that works well.

 

[HareBrain]

You're at much less risk of "infodumping" in first-person than in close third, because the narrator has licence to talk about anything they like as long as it's relevant and interesting.

With close third, the danger is of breaking the action for the POV character to spout on about stuff he wouldn't be considering at that point (because who is he "thinking at"?) But a first person past-tense narrator is telling the story, somehow, at some later date. He has an assumed audience, the benefit of hindsight, and isn't bound by the pace of the events he's describing. You could go off at a tangent for five pages between one sword stroke and another in a battle if you wanted, and if you did it well, it could work. In close third, that would be near-impossible.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

It works fine for me - you're deep enough in pov to carry it off.

 

[Mouse]

That's not an infodump, in my opinion.

 

[Nerds_feather]

Thanks, everyone! I loathe infodumps, so figure I should walk the walk and avoid them as much as possible.

HareBrain--you are right: it's much easier to do in 1st than 3rd person! But the danger is still there, I think.

I've now got the first chapter done (2,300 words). Well, in rough form at least!

 

[Nerds_feather]

Also, are people okay with this passage stylistically? Anything I can do to improve it, or is it good to go?

 

[Brian G Turner]

Thanks, everyone! I loathe infodumps, so figure I should walk the walk and avoid them as much as possible.

HareBrain--you are right: it's much easier to do in 1st than 3rd person! But the danger is still there, I think.

I've now got the first chapter done (2,300 words). Well, in rough form at least!

Also, are people okay with this passage stylistically? Anything I can do to improve it, or is it good to go?

If you've only done the first chapter then don't worry about editing issues until you've completed your first draft.

You will change aspects of your first chapter as you develop a fuller feel of the book, so there's little point trying to second guess it now.

 

[tinkerdan]

This works for me and in this instance I think with close third you could do the job just as well with this passage.

Since close third does take into consideration the POV character's thoughts and their overall experience of the five senses I could easily see this being turned over to close third and not causing any sort of glitch to me as a reader.

In fact, in this case, the same thing that helps make this non-info-dumpy for first would do the same for close third with only a small amount of changes. In either case it would be logical for him to think this at this very moment for the very same reasons.

 

[Toby Frost]

This doesn't read like info-dumping to me at all. It all seems to flow from the character: there's nothing jarring here. I would advise against heavy editing until you've written most, if not all, of the story.

I wonder whether we don't get too worked up about this. To my mind, info-dumping is what occurs not when information is dropped into the story, but when it's done clumsily or the information is overlong. I don't see anything wrong with a line like this:

"He wrapped the crossbow in a blanket: while weapons were not forbidden, it was illegal to carry them ready for use. As he passed the guardpost..."

Admittedly, I grew up with an older generation of writing, but I really don't think there's anything wrong in principle in dropping small bits of information in like that.

 

[barrett1987]

I only notice info dumping if its boring or occurs in the wrong spot, slowing things down.
Your piece does neither.

 

[Nerds_feather]

If you've only done the first chapter then don't worry about editing issues until you've completed your first draft.

You will change aspects of your first chapter as you develop a fuller feel of the book, so there's little point trying to second guess it now.

I would advise against heavy editing until you've written most, if not all, of the story.

I'm a chronic tinkerer, but yes--point taken!

 

[Nerds_feather]

Thanks for the input everyone--yeah, infodumping for me is when you leave perspective in order to convey information, encyclopedia-style. Glad to hear this part isn't like that. I have another passage I might post because of similar concerns. But main goal today is to finish chapter 2!

 

[Colbey Frost]

It doesn't read as info-dumping to me. I see that you wanted some more ideas on how to improve. See below.

After Sister Threxes left, I told Feris to close up and go home for the day (delete). I took a healthy pull of the wineskin and put my leathers on—the kind that could take a cut ('cut' is something you get from paper, or a stray barb, you have a chance her to use a stronger word to convey the real seriousness of what you're implying.) for you here and there (Here and there is very nonchleant considering he's wearing leather armour to stop himself being hurt).

Before leaving (placing 'before leaving' at the start of your sentence takes the focus away from your MC. If you put it at the end or weave it in it will make your work less passive. You do the same in your opening paragraph too.) I made sure to hide a dirk in the special (delete) fold I’d sown into the jacket. After all, the law said you could carry a long sword, but not anything that might actually (Delete) be of use in the tight (delete. You've already implied he can't swing a sword by saying he'd need a dagger.) alleys and quays of Portside. I guess I could see the sense in that, provided the guards turned a blind eye when (put 'to' instead of when) professionals (full stop.) took precautions (delete). And they did, most of the time. But that was only because, nine times out of ten, we didn’t draw.

Thing was, I had a bad (delete) feeling tonight might (replace with 'wwould') be number ten.

The same version edited to the above with a couple of extra bits changed. The below is just an example of what I mean, and I'm sure you'll edit as you see fit. After all, people have different styles, right? I like your style, but it could be tighter.

After Sister Threxes left, I told Feris to close up and go home. I took a healthy pull of the wineskin and put my leathers on—the kind that could take the sharp end of a blade.

I hid a dirk in the fold I’d sown into the jacket and left. After all, the law said you could carry a long sword, but not anything that might be of use in the alleys of Portside. I guess I could see the sense in that, provided the guards turned a blind eye to the professionals. And they did, most of the time. But that was only because, nine times out of ten, we didn’t draw.

Thing was, I had a feeling tonight would be number ten.

 

[Nerds_feather]

@ Christian Nash:

Awesome suggestions! I've used most of them and it feels much cleaner now. Here's the revised passage:

I took a healthy pull of wine and put my leathers on—the kind that could take a cut for you here and there. I hid a dirk in the fold I’d sown into my long coat. After all, the law said you could carry a long sword, but not anything that might actually be of use in a Portside alley. I guess I could see the sense in that, provided the guards turned a blind eye to professionals. And they did, most of the time. But that was only because, nine times out of ten, we didn’t draw.

Thing was, I had a feeling tonight would be number ten.