Something is missing...

[lonewolfwanderer]

I feel like something is missing in these first 2 scenes of my WIP, but i can't quite put my finger on it. I'm hoping that anyone here may be able to suggest something that will clear that niggly feeling so i can move on.

852 words

Anyway, the first scene most have probably read by now, but i'm putting it as part of this crit to see if the two scenes cooperate the way i hope they do.

As usual, your criticisms are welcome. I'm mostly concerned about the voice being different in the two scenes (they're not supposed to be) and whether Julia's character comes across nicely. What is your initial "image" of Julia?

Does the introduction to their relationship come across smoothly? And what image do you get of the setting, what is it that you see?

***​

“Hush-a-by baby on the tree top-” Blood everywhere.

“William!” I hear a voice through the darkness, and feel eyes on me. I stir. Where am I?

“-When the wind blows the cradle will rock-” The screams of the dying fill the air.

“William!” That voice again. Why is it calling me?

“-When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall-” The putrid smell of blood, **** and urine lingers.

“William!” Louder, fierce. The voice is angry. Why? Did I do something?

“-And down will fall baby, cradle and all.” I’ve seen it before…

Something hit my head and I shot upright in my chair. Before me lay a duster, out of place amongst the clutter on the desk. I yawned and stretched noisily, and rubbed the throbbing bump now rising, wincing at the tenderness.

“William!”

I looked up. A man with greying hair glared at me. He looks familiar.

“If you insist on sleeping in my class, at least do it quietly!”

I looked at him blankly before realizing where I was. I noticed the other students staring at me, my head still throbbing. A cold sweat caused my clothes to stick to my skin. I had that nightmare again, here of all places too.

The bloody image was still fresh in my head. They’re more frequent now, the dreams.

I rubbed the sleep from my eyes, and the sweat from my forehead. Maybe I should wash my face?

I raised my hand.

“Now that I have everyone’s attention,” the professor began, ignoring me. “I think it’s time to introduce the new transfer student.”

New transfer student? Isn’t that supposed to be done during homeroom? I lowered my hand and let my eyes wander to where the student stood, silent. His grey eyes looked straight at me, leaving an uneasy feeling inside my gut.

“Glade Ottimo-” Glade Ottimo? That name’s foreign. “-will be joining our class from now on. Please treat him well.”

The blonde haired student found his way to the empty seat at the back of the class. He didn’t take his eyes off me until he passed by. The closer he got, the more uneasy I felt.

I don’t like him at all, but who is he? Why does he make me uneasy?

##​

I collected my things as the last class ended, wanting to leave as soon as possible. My footsteps echoed through the vast stone corridors, and my ears rang with the cheerful chatter of the other students as they prepared to leave. Some donned coats due to the threatening skies.

“William!” I slowed to a halt, looking for who was calling me. The quick footsteps turned to a skid as someone behind me failed to stop in time, crashing into me.

“Ow, ow, ow!” The girlish voice cried. I turned around and saw a familiar face, now rubbing her injured nose.

“Julia...” I should’ve seen it coming. “You know we shouldn’t run in the corridors! So I have absolutely no sympathy for you.”

“Why do you have to be so mean?” She complained, looking hurt. “Anyway, let’s go home. We have to start with the preparations for the lord’s arrival tomorrow and Old Holgrim will get mad if we’re late again.”

I nodded in agreement, before starting off.

We left the academy grounds and headed down the familiar, cobbled main street, trying to avoid the horses and carriages which seemed ignorant of our passage. Church bells rang in the distance, signifying the new hour, and the hustle and bustle of people as they went about their daily errands filled the air. We turned down one of the quieter streets.

“William,” Julia called softly. “How’s Nanna Ingrid doing?”

“She’s fine,” I lied. I looked at her and noticed a grim expression.

“The other servants are talking. Saying that she isn’t doing as well as she used to, and she’s coughing a lot.”

“Yeah, I know.”

I looked down at my feet as I walked. Nanna’s health is deteriorating, and I don’t know what to do. She refuses to tell me anything, says it’s nothing to worry about.

“We’re all really worried about her,” Julia continued softly.

“Me too,” I muttered more to myself than to Julia.

The narrow road opened up to reveal a familiar fountain, its water glistening in what little sunlight made it through the clouds. Julia trotted over to feel the water that flowed freely from the cascading platforms, jerking her hand out as soon as she put it in.

“It’s cold,” she squealed, and then put her hand back in after sitting down on the side. There was no sign of our conversation or the grim feeling from before, and for a moment the clouds broke, freeing a ray of sunlight that gently touched her long brown hair. The joy upon her face as she played with the sparkling water left me smiling as I stared in stunned fascination at the girl in front of me. I can’t believe she’s my closest friend.

She turned and looked at me, giving me a warm smile that spoke countless words, telling me it was going to be alright.

 

[hopewrites]

I think it flows well enough. I like Julia, I picture her shorter than Will her nose parallel with his third virtabre down from the large one that marks the joining of neck and back. Soft features, easy smile (the kind you want to keep seeing, which makes her the kind of person people like to protect and keep happy) cant say much more about the rest.

I'm having trouble placing it in time well enough to picture what they would be wearing and how their hair would be. But I liked the bit about the foreign kid. (Gery eyes right? Cold and calculating?)
I'd keep reading from here, though I think stopping to play in the water runs contrary to hurrying home to prepare for that thing they had to get ready for, makes me wonder if that was just an excuse to get out of school faster, and since they were just talking to each other... ether it was wrong or they were being watched and listened to.

 

[Brian G Turner]

I feel like something is missing in these first 2 scenes of my WIP, but i can't quite put my finger on it. I'm hoping that anyone here may be able to suggest something that will clear that niggly feeling so i can move on.

First things first - unless you have completed your first draft then you should move on. You cannot expect to write perfect scenes from the start. Writing a novel to completion is still a learning curve in the craft of writing as it is.

As for what's missing from these scenes - IMO the character experience is still not fully developed.

The opening descriptions of blood do not relate to him, he forgets this waking nightmare quickly, and then you immediately tell us to watch out for the new boy.

We still know almost nothing about this character, or how anything relates to him.

Also, you're failing to place the story into context quickly. You mention horses and carriages on the road in the second section, but you didn't mention anything to denote period in the classroom - in fact, the opening scene feels completely modern with nothing to suggest otherwise.

It's good that you show some relationship building in the second section, but the character still needs development.

All of which are completely normal in a first draft, so move on anyway. By the time you reach the end of the story, you will have discovered more to it that you will want in the first scene anyway.

That's why writers have endless drafts of rewriting.

 

[Bowler1]

“Hush-a-by baby on the tree top-” Blood everywhere. A little no speech tag confusion with the opening line.

“William!” I hear a voice through the darkness, and feel eyes on me. I stir. Where am I?

“-When the wind blows the cradle will rock-” The screams of the dying fill the air.

“William!” That voice again. Why is it calling me?

“-When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall-” The putrid smell of blood, **** and urine lingers.

“William!” Louder, fierce. The voice is angry. Why? Did I do something?

“-And down will fall baby, cradle and all.” I’ve seen it before…

Something hit my head and I shot upright in my chair. Before me lay a duster, out of place amongst the clutter on the desk. I yawned and stretched noisily – after being hit on his head? Loss of belief here, and rubbed the throbbing bump now rising, wincing at the tenderness.

“William!”

I looked up. A man with greying hair a vague description I’d say glared at me. He looks familiar.

“If you insist on sleeping in my class, at least do it quietly!”

I looked at him blankly before realizing where I was. I noticed the other students staring at me, my head still throbbing. A cold sweat caused my clothes to stick to my skin. My clothes were sticky with cold sweat – more immediate. Your line felt like the sweats were coming on, instead of having already occured I had that nightmare again, here of all places too.

The bloody image was still fresh in my head. They’re more frequent now, the dreams. I feel this is repeating.

I rubbed the sleep from my eyes, and the sweat from my forehead. Maybe I should wash my face?

I raised my hand.

“Now that I have everyone’s attention,” the professor began, ignoring me. “I think it’s time to introduce the new transfer student.”

New transfer student? Isn’t that supposed to be done during homeroom? I lowered my hand and let my eyes wander to where the student stood, silent. His grey eyes looked straight at me, leaving an uneasy feeling inside my gut.

“Glade Ottimo-” Glade Ottimo? That name’s foreign. “-will be joining our class from now on. Please treat him well.”

The blonde haired student found his way to the empty seat at the back of the class. He didn’t take his eyes off me until he passed by. The closer he got, the more uneasy I felt.

I don’t like him at all, but who is he? Why does he make me uneasy?
You explore the dream confusion but not the emotions of being the centre of attention after waking. Sweaty, embarrassed etc. The other students are cardboard cut outs, the classroom is never presented to add background. It’s just this dream and the new student and everything else is left undeveloped.

##​

I collected my things as the last class ended, wanting to leave as soon as possible. My footsteps echoed through the vast stone corridors, and my ears rang with the cheerful chatter of the other students as they prepared to leave. Some donned coats due to the threatening skies.

“William!” I slowed to a halt, looking for who was calling me. The quick footsteps turned to a skid as someone behind me failed to stop in time, crashing into me.

“Ow, ow, ow!” The girlish voice cried. I turned around and saw a familiar face, now rubbing her injured nose.

“Julia...” I should’ve seen it coming. “You know we shouldn’t run in the corridors – so what?! So I have absolutely no sympathy for you.” – What, is he her parent?

“Why do you have to be so mean?” She complained, looking hurt. “Anyway, let’s go home. We have to start with the preparations for the lord’s arrival tomorrow and Old Holgrim will get mad if we’re late again.” – What does she look like? A character talks, but me the reader can’t visualise this because you’ve not painted a picture for me.

I did read it to the end. The main character feels like an adult to me, so the section doesn’t feel right. You’re using dialogue to carry too much, while the characters leave the school quickly and then stop by a water fountain. So an opening dream that is confusing, a new student and off to the park with his best friend where they stop and talk. The fountain is well described but not the school or the world they walked through to get to the fountain. I’m seeing lots of setup problems that need filling in for more feel and depth. What emotions you have felt wrong to me, pain from being hit does not go with a lazy yawn, or not to me anyway. This doesn’t flow or bolt together well for me – sorry. The world you place your characters into is not well developed or the tension I need to keep reading on.

However, your dialogue is good and I think this version is much better than the earlier version I saw, so I can see the work you’re putting into this. Technical English was very good and I haven’t felt any great need for any corrections in this area, but don’t read too much into that with me. So there is a lot of good stuff happening too.

I agree with your niggles and I think you need to focus on setup and even world building more. Difficult this, as this is the opening and the hook needs to go in too, so there needs to be a fine balance or you could kill the pace off. I think dream openings are really hard to do and I personally wouldn’t do one, so I think you’re brave to give it a go. Good luck with it and the usual 2c disclaimers.

 

[lonewolfwanderer]

The difficult thing with the setting in my WIP is that it is entirely my own creation, my ideal world with its own rules, etc. Everything about my setting is relative, and shouldn't be compared to what fantasy should be, or how it fits in with our history. And because of this, working out a balance between the elements will take time, which is why i asked how you envision the setting from what is given.

Perhaps i was a little hasty in posting this crit, but what i learn from your suggestions, and advice, i can then implement throughout my book as i write, which will in turn cause a ripple effect with ideas. However, this is still an early draft, so it still has a bit of a ways to go.

I worked out last night the full outline of my story so i know exactly where the story is heading, i just need to get it written, but i do get a bit impatient and my perfectionist side kicks in.

I appreciate your time, however, and will make full use of your advice. Thank you.

 

[barrett1987]

Something hit my head and I shot upright in my chair. Before me lay a duster, out of place amongst the clutter on the desk. I yawned and stretched noisily, and rubbed the throbbing bump now rising, wincing at the tenderness.
green line felt a tad wordy but my style is opposite of that so could just be me, alot of ings.
“William!”

I looked up. A man with greying hair glared at me. He looks familiar. A grey haired man glared at me.

“If you insist on sleeping in my class, at least do it quietly!”

I looked at him blankly I stared at him confused for a moment before realizing where I was. I noticed the other students staring at me, The other students were staring, my head still throbbing. throbbed A cold sweat caused my clothes to stick to my skin. I had that nightmare again, here of all places too.

The bloody image was still fresh in my head. They’re more frequent now, the dreams. I'd put the line i had that nightmare...and combine with the description bloody image and delete the dreams as talking about a nightmare means you dont need to restate dream.

I rubbed the sleep from my eyes, and the sweat from my forehead. Maybe I should wash my face?

I raised my hand.

“Now that I have everyone’s attention,” the professor began, ignoring me. “I think it’s time to introduce the a new transfer student.”

New transfer student? Isn’t that supposed to be done during homeroom? I lowered my hand and let my eyes wander to where the student stood, silent. His grey eyes looked straight at me, leaving an uneasy feeling inside my gut.

“Glade Ottimo-” Glade Ottimo? That name’s foreign. Personal choice but i don't think this is needed. The name is unique enough that the reader will think that without the mc shoving it at us “-will be joining our class from now on. Please treat him well.”

The blonde haired student found his way to the empty seat at the back of the class. He didn’t take his eyes off me until he passed by. The closer he got, the more uneasy I felt.

I don’t like him at all, but who is he? Why does he make me uneasy?
This was the worst line in my opinion. It may just be a style choice but i felt like this was you the writer talking through the mc to make sure the reader knew what was going on. I liked the bit above, the closer he got the more uneasy that was drawing me in and making me william but the next line pulled me out. Oh and the closer line should be before the he didnt take his eyes...

##​

I collected my things as the last class ended, wanting to leave as soon as possible. This is you telling the reader your motivation rather than showing. Collected could be replaced with a more imeddiate word. I scrambled the last of my things into my bag as the final class bell rang. <-- this is crap, but what i mean is you have an action and a reason, combine them into one line so that the reader reads the actions and KNOWS the reason without you telling him. My footsteps echoed through the vast stone corridors, and my ears rang with the cheerful chatter of the other students as they prepared to leave. Some donned coats due to the threatening skies. Ok -as i said above it could be a style thing. but i read this and i was like, is william resentful of their easy chatter? indifferent? part of it? outcast? loner? I couldn't tell by the writing. You state the cheerful chatter without somehow putting the MC's reaction into it. When he is gathering his bag id end that bit with him hurrying from class then move into the corridor. Again this could all be style but the aim is to make the reader almost ''become'' william.

“William!” I slowed to a halt, looking for who was calling me. The quick footsteps turned to a skid as someone behind me failed to stop in time, crashing into me.

“Ow, ow, ow!” The girlish voice cried. I turned around and saw a familiar face, now rubbing her injured nose.

“Julia...” I should’ve seen it coming. “You know we shouldn’t run in the corridors! So I have absolutely no sympathy for you.” He comes across as an arse here.

“Why do you have to be so mean?” She complained, looking hurt. “Anyway, let’s go home. We have to start with the preparations for the lord’s arrival tomorrow and Old Holgrim will get mad if we’re late again.”

I nodded in agreement, before starting off.

We left the academy grounds and headed down the familiar, cobbled main street, trying to avoid the horses and carriages which seemed ignorant of our passage. Church bells rang in the distance, signifying the new hour, and the hustle and bustle of people as they went about their daily errands filled the air. We turned down one of the quieter streets.

“William,” Julia called softly. “How’s Nanna Ingrid doing?”

“She’s fine,” I lied. I looked at her and noticed a grim expression.

“The other servants are talking. Saying that she isn’t doing as well as she used to, and she’s coughing a lot.”

“Yeah, I know.”

I looked down at my feet as I walked. Nanna’s health is deteriorating, and I don’t know what to do. She refuses to tell me anything, says it’s nothing to worry about.

“We’re all really worried about her,” Julia continued softly.

“Me too,” I muttered more to myself than to Julia.

The narrow road opened up to reveal a familiar fountain, its water glistening in what little sunlight made it through the clouds. Julia trotted over to feel the water that flowed freely from the cascading platforms, jerking her hand out as soon as she put it in.

“It’s cold,” she squealed, and then put her hand back in after sitting down on the side. There was no sign of our conversation or the grim feeling from before, and for a moment the clouds broke, freeing a ray of sunlight that gently touched her long brown hair. The joy upon her face as she played with the sparkling water left me smiling as I stared in stunned fascination at the girl in front of me. I can’t believe she’s my closest friend.

She turned and looked at me, giving me a warm smile that spoke countless words, telling me it was going to be alright.

The rest of the piece got stronger after my comments stop.

This was all just my opinion. Our styles are completely different so take what i say with a pinch of salt.
The story flowed fine. You've used 840ish words to show william has nightmares, a new boy arrived in class who is weird, nans ill and he's got the hots for his bestie girl.

Hope any of that helped.

 

[lonewolfwanderer]

The rest of the piece got stronger after my comments stop.

This was all just my opinion. Our styles are completely different so take what i say with a pinch of salt.
The story flowed fine. You've used 840ish words to show william has nightmares, a new boy arrived in class who is weird, nans ill and he's got the hots for his bestie girl.

Hope any of that helped.

Thanks for the advice...

The hots for Julia isn't what i'm trying to show though lol... They are best friends, but William is completely oblivious to the fact that Julia has fallen for him. I'm trying to subtly throw in the signals so the reader can pick them up, but William doesn't. And William, in fact, has hots for the noble's daughter, which is completely forbidden and causes conflict with Julia (Jealousy, depression, and whatever else i can put in there)... This gets complicated because its all told through William's eyes.

 

[barrett1987]

and for a moment the clouds broke, freeing a ray of sunlight that gently touched her long brown hair. The joy upon her face as she played with the sparkling water left me smiling as I stared in stunned fascination at the girl in front of me. I can’t believe she’s my closest friend.

Then this is misleading hehe

 

[lonewolfwanderer]

and for a moment the clouds broke, freeing a ray of sunlight that gently touched her long brown hair. The joy upon her face as she played with the sparkling water left me smiling as I stared in stunned fascination at the girl in front of me. I can’t believe she’s my closest friend.

Then this is misleading hehe

Best friends are allowed to admire each other mwahaha. ye maybe, perhapse he has feelings for her somewhere, but its being overshadowed by his lust for the Noble's daughter...

Actually, that sounds like it could work... because William does end up with Julia right at the end, its the noble's daughter he ends up with initially, but she dies

 

[barrett1987]

Damn nobles girls always dying on ya!

 

[Jo Zebedee]

In essence, i agree with Brian, keep pushing on, getting stuck on the opening scenes isn't great, as you don't know if they'll change by the time you get to the end. Most of mine have...

***​

“Hush-a-bye, I think? baby on the tree top-” Blood everywhere.

“William!” I hear a voice through the darkness, and feel eyes on me. I stir. Where am I?hearing and feeling both veil us from character. I know why you're using them but wonder if you could drop the hear - the voice cuts through the darkness?

“-When the wind blows the cradle will rock-” The screams of the dying fill the air.

“William!” That voice again. Why is it calling me?

“-When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall-” The putrida bit cliched smell of blood, **** and urine lingers.

“William!” Louder, fierce. The voice is angry. Why? Did I do something?

“-And down will fall baby, cradle and all.” I’ve seen it before…

Something hit my head and I shot upright in my chair. Before me lay a dusterso I know what this is, but it pulled me out as it could also be a dusting cloth, and that wouldn't be hard, out of place amongst the clutter on the desk. I yawned and stretched noisily, and rubbed the throbbing bump now rising, wincing at the tendernessA bit more reaction, I think - why is he yawning and stretching before responding to being whacked on the head, for instance?.

“William!”

I looked up. A man with greying hair glared at me. He looks familiar.I'm not good at tense, but this feels off -- looked, glared, and then looks?

“If you insist on sleeping in my class, at least do it quietly!”dialogue is nice and smooth

I looked at him blanklyHow can he tell? You're in first - William can't tell what the look on his face is? before realizing where I was. I noticed the other students staring at me, my head still throbbing. A cold sweat caused my clothes to stick to my skin. I'd had that nightmare again, here of all places too.

The bloody image was still fresh in my head. They’re more frequent now, the dreams. I'm getting no character emotion from him, just a statement of facts and a list of symptoms/observations. How's he feeling? Is he scared? Angry? Embarrassed? Without knowing this sort of thing, it's hard to engage.

I rubbed the sleep from my eyes, and the sweat from my forehead. Maybe I should wash my face?

I raised my hand.

“Now that I have everyone’s attention,” the professor began, ignoring meyou could drop ignoring me - his dialogue makes it clear. “I think it’s time to introduce the new transfer student.”

New transfer student? Isn’t that supposed to be done during homeroom? I lowered my hand and let my eyes wander to where the student stood, silent. His grey eyes looked straight at me, leaving an uneasy feeling inside my gut.

“Glade Ottimo-” Glade Ottimo? That name’s foreign. “-will be joining our class from now on. Please treat him well.”

The blonde haired student found his way to the empty seat at the back of the class. He didn’t take his eyes off me until he passed by. The closer he got, the more uneasy I felt.How does feeling uneasy feel? I think, personally, this is too telegraphed for me and I'd like it to be subtler, to leave me wondering was William right to feel uneasy, or did he really feel uneasy? As it is, I feel a bit like I'm being told to pay attention to the new guy.

I don’t like him at all, but who is he? Why does he make me uneasy?

##​

I collected my things as the last class ended, wanting to leave as soon as possiblewhy?. My footsteps echoed through the vast stone corridorsstone all over? or stone walls? A colour, and my ears rang with the cheerful chatter of the other students as they prepared to leave. Some donned coats due to the threatening skies.how can he see the sky? Is there a window? Where are the coats? On hangers? In lockers. A few sentences would give me stronger placement.

“William!” I slowed to a halt, looking for who was calling me. The quick footsteps turned to a skid as someone behind me failed to stop in time, crashing into me.

“Ow, ow, ow!” the ! and ? can act as a comma at the end of dialogueThe girlish voice cried. I turned around and saw a familiar face, now rubbing her injured nose.

“Julia...” I should’ve seen it coming. “You know we shouldn’t run in the corridors! So I have absolutely no sympathy for you.Unless you can put a joking tone into that, I'm going right off this pov character, which isn't a good thing so early in first, as he's going to have to carry me through the whole story”

“Why do you have to be so mean?” Sheshe - as above complained, looking hurt. “Anyway, let’s go home. We have to start with the preparations for the lord’s arrival tomorrow and Old Holgrim will get mad if we’re late again.”

I nodded in agreement, before starting off.

We left the academy grounds and headed down the familiar, cobbled main street, trying to avoid the horses and carriages which seemed ignorant of our passage. Church bells rang in the distance, signifying the new hour, and the hustle and bustle of people as they went about their daily errands filled the air. We turned down one of the quieter streets.I'm with Brian (I think) - I'd take the time to set this up a little more.

“William,” Julia called softlywhy? Isn't she beside him. the dialogue tags are starting to intrude for me about now - said is the invisible one, and most advice suggests to use it more frequently that others. “How’s Nanna Ingrid doing?”

“She’s fine,” I lied. I looked at her and noticed a grim expression.

“The other servants are talking. Saying that she isn’t doing as well as she used to, and she’s coughing a lot.”

“Yeah, I know.”

I looked down at my feet as I walked. Nanna’s health is deteriorating, and I don’t know what to do. She refuses to tell me anything, says it’s nothing to worry about.That's nice, and a bit closer to his thoughts.

“We’re all really worried about her,” Julia continued softly.

“Me too,” I muttereddefinitely standing out for me. more to myself than to Julia.

The narrow road opened up to reveal a familiar fountain, its water glistening in what little sunlight made it through the clouds. Julia trotted over to feel the water that flowed freely from the cascading platforms, jerking her hand out as soon as she put it in.

“It’s cold,” she squealed, and then put her hand back in after sitting down on the side. There was no sign of our conversation or the grim feeling from before, and for a moment the clouds broke, freeing a ray of sunlight that gently touched her long brown hair. The joy upon her face as she played with the sparkling water left me smiling as I stared in stunned fascination at the girl in front of me. I think it reads as attraction, too. I can’t believe she’s my closest friend.

She turned and looked at me, giving me a warm smile that spoke countless words, telling me it was going to be alright.[/QUOTE]

I thought it was a nice enough start. it's a dream, though, and that's always a risk. For me, what it was lacking was depth - both in character and in the world. I wanted warmth, or some sort of detail, so I could get absorbed. Without it, I don't think there's anything to make it stand out. Sorry.

 

[lonewolfwanderer]

“Julia...” I should’ve seen it coming. “You know we shouldn’t run in the corridors! So I have absolutely no sympathy for you.Unless you can put a joking tone into that, I'm going right off this pov character, which isn't a good thing so early in first, as he's going to have to carry me through the whole story”

How would one add a joking tone to literature? Because the dialogue here isn't supposed to be serious. Julia, despite her initial appearances, is a tough cookie, and William knows that something like her running into him aint going to hurt her too much. And I think its meant to be more on the lines of best friends laughing at each other when they do something stupid, kind of thing. Whilst at the same time, William is shocked/suprised at the sudden incident.

Also, the purpose of it is to introduce Julia as someone who is clumsy and doesn't always think things through whilst also showing her's and William's relationship to one another.

I thought it was a nice enough start. it's a dream, though, and that's always a risk. For me, what it was lacking was depth - both in character and in the world. I wanted warmth, or some sort of detail, so I could get absorbed. Without it, I don't think there's anything to make it stand out. Sorry.

This is still an early draft. and these criticisms only help me to find ways to improve. Without it, or chrons, I wouldn't be where i am now in my writing. So i really appreciate you, and everyone, for taking your time in helping me become a better writer.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Yep, crits were definitely my learning tool of choice.

A joking tone:

You could add an action:

“Julia...” I should’ve seen it coming. “You know we shouldn’t run in the corridors!" I cocked my head to the side, as if one of the teachers, and waggled my finger."So I have absolutely no sympathy for you.”

Or you could do it in the dialogue:

“Julia...” I should’ve seen it coming. I put on my best teacher's voice. “You know we shouldn’t run in the corridors! So I have absolutely no sympathy for you.”

 

[lonewolfwanderer]

Yep, crits were definitely my learning tool of choice.

A joking tone:

You could add an action:

“Julia...” I should’ve seen it coming. “You know we shouldn’t run in the corridors!" I cocked my head to the side, as if one of the teachers, and waggled my finger."So I have absolutely no sympathy for you.”

Or you could do it in the dialogue:

“Julia...” I should’ve seen it coming. I put on my best teacher's voice. “You know we shouldn’t run in the corridors! So I have absolutely no sympathy for you.”

Something so simple, huh? Blast my inexperience... Thanks

 

[ratsy]

Well I have no idea what's missing but starting the story in a dream sequence and having a kid wake up in class is a little cliche. There have been many threads on here about NOT starting with a dream. It's tough because you need to hook the readers in the first few lines and IMO that is a lot harder in a first person story. You can't use someone else as a POV as a teaser or anything like that.

I also agree with everyone about the end line in the first section. Drop it. Have it end when the kid doesn't take his eyes off until he passes. And something you could do is have him think or say a snarky remark. "What, you've never seen a kid sleep through algebra?"

Anyways, keep plugging away at it. I as well suffered from the first draft addictions that left me with 18,000 words and a terrible story. So just push past any concerns and write it out. There will be lots of time to obsess over all the details later

 

[lonewolfwanderer]

Well I have no idea what's missing but starting the story in a dream sequence and having a kid wake up in class is a little cliche. There have been many threads on here about NOT starting with a dream. It's tough because you need to hook the readers in the first few lines and IMO that is a lot harder in a first person story. You can't use someone else as a POV as a teaser or anything like that.

I also agree with everyone about the end line in the first section. Drop it. Have it end when the kid doesn't take his eyes off until he passes. And something you could do is have him think or say a snarky remark. "What, you've never seen a kid sleep through algebra?"

Anyways, keep plugging away at it. I as well suffered from the first draft addictions that left me with 18,000 words and a terrible story. So just push past any concerns and write it out. There will be lots of time to obsess over all the details later

Yes, i've been told a few times not to use the dream sequence. I do, however, believe it to be a valuable device that can work well if done right, regardless if its cliched or not. Before i had it as two different scenes, i'm attempting this approach to work it in differently, because at the moment the dream is fairly important as it introduces a bit of the conflict, but i'm trying to avoid making it too cliched. Its also there to create a sense of confusion for both the reader and the MC, whilst also intriguing the reader.

But i think i should get my rear end off of chrons and get some writing done. I'm interested to see how it turns out, but i aint going to get anywhere by idling around here all day.

 

[Idealect]

I would be put off by "sh*t" in the first few lines of a story, in that particular context at least. I'd be suspicious that "this is going to be gratuitous" based on the strength of the image so early on, with that particular word choice putting it over the top where I'd just pick up another book. "Feces" would soften it a bit. By the way I'm not saying that it is in fact gratuitous (I've got no meaningful basis to make such a judgement one way or another), but if I pick up the book in a store, then the thing is that at that point I have 0 trust for an unknown author, or less.


I Found the grey haired kid staring at him a bit too "on the nose". Would have preferred if he was more subtly creepy or something. I probably wouldn't be a great fan of this motif (for lack of a better word) in general, but separately, it could be a bit early for something so experiental/direct as I'm still getting to grips with this character, not sunk into their perspective/following their perspective. I also found it a bit hard to place, like I want to speculate about what's going on but find no information to get to grips with in a kid staring at him; it could just be so many different things and there's no way to differentiate. -That could all be personal to me though.


Otherwise for me it worked well and I was hooked in.


Image of Julia: excitable, but generally indifferent and unemotional. I assumed she was sarcastic with looking hurt and "why are you so mean?", though if she is just quick to emote and quick to forget then I wouldn't find that a problem when it later became clear.


Voice between scenes; Not sure how reliable this is, as my familiarity with William is limited at this point, but, despite knowing to look for it, I can't see any change in voice at all.