Being clear on the subject of a clause

[Brian G Turner]

I hope I phrased that right.

Two men climbing down a ladder:

Bob listened with care to every movement Eric made, as he climbed down first.

Is it clear that Eric climbs down first? Or does Bob remain the subject?

Just that I've noticed a couple of times today in my WIP I'm not sure whether the subject of a clause is entirely clear.

 

[Hex]

I do this lots. I think it's a bit ambiguous like this, and the sentence would be more elegant rephrased into something like:

Bob climbed down first, listening with care to every movement Eric made.

EDIT: oops. Clearly it's not clear that Eric climbs down first. I got that wrong (reading skills!). I think the comma confuses things -- without it, it would be clear that Eric is climbing down first.

(but I would still rephrase to something like:

Eric climbed down first; Bob listened with care to every movement.)

 

[The Judge]

Nope, I wasn't sure who the "he" referred to there, and I don't think taking the comma away would help much, either.

I'd suggest re-writing to clarify eg Eric climbed down first, and Bob listened with care to every movement he made.


EDIT: I wasn't copying Hex, honest -- her edit hadn't appeared when I was answering!

 

[Brian G Turner]

I knew the sentence looked scrappy - will look to change this.

 

[Ursa major]

A sideways look, if I may.

I'm going to assume that Bob is the PoV character**, so the "listened with care" is only needed if there's a point to Bob listening. (I'm also going to assume there is.) But writing it like this puts the passive character (the listener) into the spotlight. But if Bob is interested in hearing what Eric is doing (or what might happen to Eric), so should be the reader. What we need to do is put Eric in the spotlight, together with whatever sounds he, or someone/something else, is making.

So, for example, if the point of listening was the state of the ladder (it may not be), you might have:

Eric climbed down first, the ladder creaking ominously*** with his every movement.

This has a number of advantages: 1) Bob is no longer there to distract the reader; 2) the reader now knows what Bob is listening out for.

Of course, if the listening is for something else, that should be mentioned (or hinted at); so, for example:

Eric climbed down first. Below, nothing stirred.

** - Unless he's cocking his ear in some way, Bob has to be the PoV character; otherwise how do we know that he's listening with care.

*** - Optional adverb.

 

[Brian G Turner]

Cheers - that's pretty much the direction I took in the end.