Writing prompt: Stereotype with a difference

[Mangara]

Hello.

I'm just getting started with this writing malarkey and have done my first writing prompt as part of a free on-line course I found. Would someone be as kind to give me a little feedback?

My aim was to write a strict teacher showing sympathy.


Crawford settled into his plush leather backed wing-back office chair and awaited the arrival of the latest deviant. He preferred to address the issues of indiscipline as swiftly as possible, clamping down on insolence would ensure his boys would grow into right and honourable men. Key to this development felt Crawford was appropriate discipline, and a heavy dose of fear.

A feeble knock rapped on the thick ornate door, the child’s apprehension of the meeting palpable through its thick wooden surface. “Enter!” bellowed Crawford, mustering the tone saved for the schools miscreants and scallywags. In shuffled a particularly sorry excuse for a boy, distinctly pale and significantly lacking in stature. Crawford offered no comfort for his visitors, they were expected to stand no matter the length of the interrogation, their discomfort all part of maintaining his control over them.
“It has been brought to my attention, young…” Began Crawford.
“Charles Seac..Seacroft, S…S Sir” snivelled the child.

“Charles, it has come to my attention that you have been scrawling on school property. This is a most heinous and despicable action. In front of me lies the evidence. Mrs Scalworth kindly supplied photographic evidence.” Crawford began to open the envelope with a letter opener with deliberate violent movements, quickly followed by the distinctive splash of tears on the linoleum.

Charles forced words through his whimpers, “Sir.. I..I…”

“Enough!” Crawford could not let the child finish. With difficulty he held his composure, despite the impact of the evidence he held in his hand. Clearly legible on the child’s desk were words that reverberated around Crawford skull. Did he know of his secret? His disloyalty to the state? The real motive of his to move into the head teacher post and plan to determine the future of the nation?

Crawford leaned forward and softened his voice. “Charles, this is certainly not an appropriate use of the resources we willingly provide here at Staunton Manor. I hope you fully understand the strength of such a statement is not a joke, or something to be placed on school property. Are you fully aware of its implication?”

The boy visibly relaxed at this change in tone, the tears began to dry up, and he regained control of his voice. “Sir, I believe in change.”

“Indeed, well, I will have to talk to your parents about this. I’d like them here, tonight, in my office where we can discuss this behaviour in more detail.” Crawford fought to hide the excitement in his voice. Things certainly were picking up.

“Yes Sir!”.

“You may go now. I’d advise you find a more acceptable outlet for your frustrations in future. I hear the debate team run by Mrs Scalworth are looking for contributors.” Yes, thought Crawford, and it is home to all your fellow agitators, a wonderful mixing pot of political tension.

Charles turned and raced out, relieved to escape the clutches of the slipper and cane, the usual punishment for graffiti.

Crawford stood and stretched his ageing, aching muscles. He picked up the photographic evidence, admiring the words scrawled on the desk. “Democracy is the road to Socialism”. He carefully slipped the page into the drawer thick with the work of his other students and turned the lock with a smile.

 

[alchemist]

Crawford settled into his plush leather backed wing-back repeat of backed/back office chair and awaited the arrival of the latest deviant. He preferred to address the issues of indiscipline as swiftly as possible, needs to be more than a comma. A full stop or semi-colon maybe clamping down on insolence would ensure his boys would grow into right and honourable men. Key to this development felt Crawford unnecessary (as it's obvious Crawford is the one thinking this), but would need commas or dashes if kept was appropriate discipline, and a heavy dose of fear. Bit sinister, this fellow

A feeble knock rapped can a knock actually rap? Not sure of this on the thick ornate door, the child’s apprehension of the meeting palpable through its thick wooden surface some might argue this is impossible, but I like the conceit. “Enter!” bellowed Crawford, mustering the tone saved for the schools miscreants and scallywags. In shuffled a particularly sorry excuse for a boy, distinctly pale and significantly lacking in stature. Crawford offered no comfort for his visitors, like above, this is a comma splice. It needs a full stop or semi they were expected to stand no matter the length of the interrogation, their discomfort all part of maintaining his control over them.
“It has been brought to my attention, young…” Began began Crawford.
“Charles Seac..Seacroft, S…S Sir” snivelled the child.

“Charles, very friendly. Wouldn't he be more likely to address the boy by his surname? it has come to my attention that you have been scrawling on school property. This is a most heinous and despicable action. In front of me lies the evidence. Mrs Scalworth kindly supplied photographic evidence repeat.” Crawford began to open the envelope with a letter opener with deliberate violent movements, quickly followed by the distinctive splash of tears on the linoleum.

Charles forced words through his whimpers, full stop “Sir.. I..I…”

“Enough!” Crawford could not let the child finish. With difficulty he held his composure, despite the impact of the evidence he held in his hand. Clearly legible on the child’s desk were words that reverberated around Crawford Crawford's skull. Did he who? Might be better to name the boy here know of his secret? His disloyalty to the state? The real motive of his it's an unwieldy sentence, so maybe use a comma to move into the head teacher post and plan to determine the future of the nation?

Crawford leaned forward and softened his voice. “Charles, this is certainly not an appropriate use of the resources we willingly provide here at Staunton Manor. I hope you fully understand the strength of such a statement is not a joke, or something to be placed on school property. Are you fully aware of its implication?”

The boy visibly relaxed at this change in tone, the tears began to dry up, and he regained control of his voice. “Sir, I believe in change.”

“Indeed, well, I will have to talk to your parents about this. I’d like them here, tonight, in my office where we can discuss this behaviour in more detail.” Crawford fought to hide the excitement in his voice. Things certainly were picking up. The change in tone is interesting, and unexplained. I'd better get an explanation.....

“Yes Sir!”. doesn't need full stop, with the exclamation mark already there

“You may go now. I’d advise you find a more acceptable outlet for your frustrations in future. I hear the debate team run by Mrs Scalworth are is (team is singular) looking for contributors.” Yes, thought Crawford, and it is home to all your fellow agitators, a wonderful mixing pot of political tension.

Charles turned and raced out, relieved to escape the clutches of the slipper and cane, the usual punishment for graffiti. POV switch, but maybe you meant it

Crawford stood and stretched his ageing, aching muscles. He picked up the photographic evidence, admiring the words scrawled on the desk. “Democracy is the road to Socialism”. He carefully slipped the page into the drawer thick with the work of his other students and turned the lock with a smile.

Hi Mangara. Generally it's well-written (despite the red), although the wordiness and voice isn't particularly to my taste. My main gripe is where does the sudden burst of sympathy (and excitement) come from? I think for this piece to work, you need more on the headmaster's motivation.

And there are a couple of punctuation issues, particularly the controversial comma splices. Some people, believe it or not, actually LIKE them


Hope that helps. Feel free to ignore!

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Alc has already done the heavy work with the punctuation and such, and I don't have the time at the moment to go through and add any more of those comments, but a couple of things struck me right off:

“It has been brought to my attention, young…” Began Crawford.
“Charles Seac..Seacroft, S…S Sir” snivelled the child.

“Charles, it has come to my attention that you have been scrawling on school property.

If Crawford has called the boy to his office, he already knows his name -- I doubt he would pause for the boy to identify himself, and I'm certain the boy wouldn't interrupt to give his name unbidden.

This is a most heinous and despicable action. In front of me lies the evidence. Mrs Scalworth kindly supplied photographic evidence.” Crawford began to open the envelope with a letter opener with deliberate violent movements, quickly followed by the distinctive splash of tears on the linoleum.

He's already seen the photographic evidence, which is why he called the boy to his office, so why is it sealed in an envelope?

 

[Jinxo]

Hi there,

I'd agree with alchemist regards the sudden burst of sympathy.

There is a hint to the motivation -'Did he know of his secret?'. But you may need a little more.

Overall, I'd say this was good but the switch to sympathy seems to have too much of a jolt. As you build up the teacher to be somewhat of a git, I would believe the interaction more if the slide towards sympathy was smoother, with a little more understanding of why.

 

[tinkerdan]

Just a few thoughts [unfortunately I have a consistent problem with the utilities in this interface.] and you may ignore them if they don't suit.

Crawford settled into his plush leather backed
::not sure what you mean by leather backed but it creates an awkward sentence here::
wing-back office chair and awaited the arrival of the latest deviant. He preferred to address the issues of indiscipline as swiftly as possible,::and or; :: clamping down on insolence would ensure his boys would grow into right and honourable men. Key to this development felt Crawford was appropriate discipline, and a heavy dose of fear.

A feeble knock rapped on the thick ornate door, the child’s apprehension of the meeting palpable through its thick wooden surface. “Enter!” bellowed Crawford, mustering the tone saved for the schools miscreants and scallywags. In shuffled a particularly sorry excuse for a boy, distinctly pale and significantly lacking in stature. Crawford offered no comfort for his visitors, they were expected to stand no matter the length of the interrogation, their discomfort all part of maintaining his control over them.
“It has been brought to my attention, young…” Began Crawford.
“Charles Seac..Seacroft, S…S Sir” snivelled the child.

::I would suggest possibly moving the portion about offering no comfort with the first paragraph as addendum to the dose of fear. For me: having it mixed with the paragraph that might begin engendering sympathy for the child distracts from the sympathy by drawing attention to the rooms accommodations or lack there of.::

“Charles, it has come to my attention that you have been scrawling on school property. This is a most heinous and despicable action. In front of me lies the evidence. Mrs Scalworth kindly supplied photographic evidence.” Crawford began to open the envelope with a letter opener with deliberate violent movements, quickly followed by the distinctive splash of tears on the linoleum.

::I would agree with a number of observations, one would be that he must already know Charles name another that the envelope would be unsealed already as he would want to view and verify the evidence prior to the meeting. [Or he has a displaced amount of confidence in this Mrs. Scalworth having all her ducks in a row.]::

Charles forced words through his whimpers, “Sir.. I..I…”

“Enough!” Crawford could not let the child finish. With difficulty he held his composure, despite the impact of the evidence he held in his hand. Clearly legible on the child’s desk were words that reverberated around Crawford skull. Did he know of his secret? His disloyalty to the state? The real motive of his to move into the head teacher post and plan to determine the future of the nation?

::It would be my understanding that there is something in what is written there that resonates with Crawford; but there is something missing here either in Crawford's reaction or the general narrative around it to stand to make this abundantly clear and I think it needs more clarity.::

Crawford leaned forward and softened his voice. “Charles, this is certainly not an appropriate use of the resources we willingly provide here at Staunton Manor. I hope you fully understand the strength of such a statement is not a joke, or something to be placed on school property. Are you fully aware of its implication?”

The boy visibly relaxed at this change in tone, the tears began to dry up, and he regained control of his voice. “Sir, I believe in change.”

::For a disciplinarian this response from the boy seems inappropriate but below it is not handled as such. Perhaps Crawford could at least give a frustrated sigh or something to better indicate that that was not the answer he would look for on the level of vetting discipline. No matter how sympathetic you want him to sound.::

“Indeed, well, I will have to talk to your parents about this. I’d like them here, tonight, in my office where we can discuss this behaviour in more detail.” Crawford fought to hide the excitement in his voice. Things certainly were picking up.

::I don't understand the 'Things certainly were picking up.' part and that may be due to lack of clarity earlier.::

“Yes Sir!”.

“You may go now. I’d advise you find a more acceptable outlet for your frustrations in future. I hear the debate team run by Mrs Scalworth are looking for contributors.” Yes, thought Crawford, and it is home to all your fellow agitators, a wonderful mixing pot of political tension.

Charles turned and raced out, relieved to escape the clutches of the slipper and cane, the usual punishment for graffiti.

Crawford stood and stretched his ageing,::aging:: aching muscles. He picked up the photographic evidence, admiring the words scrawled on the desk. “Democracy is the road to Socialism”. He carefully slipped the page into the drawer thick with the work of his other students and turned the lock with a smile.

Over all I like the tone of this and it seems mostly to stick to your agenda.

 

[Mangara]

Thank you all for the feedback!

I am just getting going again after not writing anything for years and years. It is so interesting to read your feedback, and it amazes me how much you all know!

I will take your observations and comments on board. You are all brilliant for taking the time to help!

I want the opening of the evidence to be new for him as he trusts implicitly the source. I want him to come across arrogant and sure of himself.

I agree with the name part, I think that is superfluous and a bit silly!

How can I ensure his motivations for sympathy are conveyed in a short piece?

Thanks all!

 

[J Riff]

Italics?

Crawford settled into his plush (leather-backed) (wing-back?) office chair and awaited the arrival of the latest deviant. He preferred to address the issues of indiscipline as swiftly as possible, (as) clamping down on insolence would ensure his boys would grow into right and honourable men.(without as the sentence is shaky) Key to this development, felt Crawford, was appropriate discipline and a heavy dose of fear.

A feeble knock (rapped) sounded on (from) the thick ornate door - the child’s apprehension of the meeting palpable through its thick wooden surface.
(The sentence is about the rap, not the door. And is the surface thick, or the door...and it's a repeat of thick.)
“Enter!” bellowed Crawford, mustering the tone saved for the schools' miscreants and scallywags. In shuffled a particularly sorry excuse for a boy, distinctly pale and significantly lacking in stature. Crawford offered no comfort for his visitors, they were expected to stand no matter the length of the interrogation, their discomfort all part of maintaining his control over them.
Discomfort is 'all' part of..? Well minor adjustments. WD

 

[tinkerdan]

If it were mine to work with I might try to give the room life and make it the heavy with Crawford as its reluctant tool. A tool that must disguise its true nature lest the room discard it. To that end and while trying to keep a majority of your thoughts::

Crawford settled into his plush leather backed chair and awaited the arrival of the latest deviant. He preferred to address issues of indiscipline as swiftly as possible; clamping down on insolence would ensure his boys would grow into right and honourable men. Key to this development was appropriate obedience, and a heavy dose of fear. To that purpose there were no chairs for visitors, no comfort offered; serving also as a reminder to Crawford as to his purpose. Neat rows of books lining the shelves like trim soldiers stood on either side of the unfortunate; closing in upon them while they await judgment. The desk as with the rest of the office was devoid of clutter save the one envelope containing the indictment against his next entrant. That was sat before Crawford where his eyes could rest upon it without malice or triumph, but only with disdain.

A feeble knock; a rap upon thick wood, a child’s apprehension palpable through its thick ornate surface. “Enter!” Crawford's tone coached to match the room; a room that rarely echoed and seemed to suck the life out of all sound. In shuffled a particularly sorry excuse for a boy, distinctly pale and significantly lacking in stature. There was a tension in the air that seemed to glide in from both sides of the room and Crawford had to stifle his own sigh as the invisible fronts met and embraced like convivial brothers. Instead he sucked it in and lifted his shoulders too late realizing that the great wings of the chair might give him the look of an avenging angel, but thankfully the boy was looking down at his feet anyway; so Crawford cleared his throat.

“Charles Seacroft. It has been brought our attention...” Crawford began as his fingers tapped gently upon the evidence.
::------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm certain you could do much better than that but I think that in this case if you can divorce Crawford from the direct agency of the discipline it might give the subtle message that he's sympathetic to the perpetrator.