First few paragraphs of a short 250 words

[sahlmi]

Here are the first 3 paragraphs of a new story I'm starting. Would you read on?

Thanks.
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Yet Untitled

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Aubrey stood and looked around the area, taking in the panorama of rust stone walls that surrounded him above and below. He had no idea of how he came to be here--a canyon of all places--but a more level area than this narrow ledge would serve better for rationalized thought. This was the last place an agoraphobic man wanted to be especially under the most puzzling circumstance.

A path, maybe a meter wide with an up-sloping facade on the inner edge and a straight drop on the other, curved around to his right. Whatever lay beyond that trail seemed to be a logical place to seek answers. He breathed too fast and had to mount the courage to sidestep along the way, clinging with his back to the wall. After a few agonizing moments, he reached a larger mass of land where more plants and greener patches of wild grass contrasted the abundant red stone.

A figure, more incomplete than whole, appeared in Aubrey's peripheral vision. It formed from nothing, solidified, then stared at him through sunken, gray eyes with a hatred that reached Aubrey's core. Not just menace, but a pure rancor that made Aubrey regret being the target. The creature towered with slick blueish skin which gleamed unnaturally in the sun, looking mucousy wet. It took one step forward on a taloned foot, and Aubrey kicked up loose dirt in a sprint. He didn't look back until he dropped from exhaustion, and when he finally dared a glance behind him, the thing was gone.

 

[john11]

Okay, my quick 2 cents worth as i dash off to work.

You are not starting the story with a good hook, just description, try starting with the creature thingy first to kick start the ms, but with that said, even still, it doesn't particularly go anywhere.

It doesn't feel like an experience, and is difficult to get into the head of the pov character.

Also I need to know what the conflict is.

Overall it was good.

Sorry for the rush.

 

[JonH]

Here are the first 3 paragraphs of a new story I'm starting. Would you read on?

Thanks.
​

Yet Untitled

​

Aubrey stood and looked around the area, taking in the panorama of rust stone walls that surrounded him above and below. He had no idea of how he came to be here--a canyon of all places--but a more level area than this narrow ledge would serve better for rationalized thought. This was the last place an agoraphobic man wanted to be especially under the most puzzling circumstance.

A path, maybe a meter wide with an up-sloping facade on the inner edge and a straight drop on the other, curved around to his right. Whatever lay beyond that trail seemed to be a logical place to seek answers. He breathed too fast and had to mount the courage to sidestep along the way, clinging with his back to the wall. After a few agonizing moments, he reached a larger mass of land where more plants and greener patches of wild grass contrasted the abundant red stone.

A figure, more incomplete than whole, appeared in Aubrey's peripheral vision. It formed from nothing, solidified, then stared at him through sunken, gray eyes with a hatred that reached Aubrey's core. Not just menace, but a pure rancor that made Aubrey regret being the target. The creature towered with slick blueish skin which gleamed unnaturally in the sun, looking mucousy wet. It took one step forward on a taloned foot, and Aubrey kicked up loose dirt in a sprint. He didn't look back until he dropped from exhaustion, and when he finally dared a glance behind him, the thing was gone.

Sorry, but I didn't like this for all sorts of reasons.

In the first paragraph you have an agoraphobic man standing around on a canyon path surveying the scenery. You tell me he's agoraphobic instead of showing it. I'd have him facing the canyon wall, both hands attempting to cling to it, too terrified to look down before he finally edged his way out of the situation. I'm not sure he'd want to move (or even open his eyes) before at least attempting to puzzle out why he was there.

You tell me he doesn't know how he got here, which I don't like. What does he know? What was the last thing he remembered before finding himself on this canyon path?

How come he reached somewhere flat after a few moments? If he's halfway up a canyon wall, where is this flat land? Has he been travelling upward to the canyon rim, or downward to the floor, or has the canyon mysteriously petered out, or even disappeared?

Then we have a situation with an odd creature which appears from nowhere, scares the protagonist, then disappears again.

If this is all a dream, it's a tacky opening. If it isn't, you need to have a good reason for making your opening scenery change into "a larger mass of land", whatever that means, before vanishing from the narrative. There needs to be rules about a place to give me something to hold onto, something to help me identify with the protagonist. It's not a puzzle if there are no rules or constraints.

Here everything seems subject to almost instant change. I don't know enough after three paragraphs to care about Aubrey. I don't know who he is, where he is, or why he's there. After he's run off, I don't even know what the place looks like any more.

I want the start to give me a context. This opening gives me nothing other than a name and meaningless events.

 

[sahlmi]

Okay, my quick 2 cents worth as i dash off to work.

You are not starting the story with a good hook, just description, try starting with the creature thingy first to kick start the ms, but with that said, even still, it doesn't particularly go anywhere.

It doesn't feel like an experience, and is difficult to get into the head of the pov character.

Also I need to know what the conflict is.

Overall it was good.

Sorry for the rush.

thanks much, John.

 

[sahlmi]

Sorry, but I didn't like this for all sorts of reasons.

In the first paragraph you have an agoraphobic man standing around on a canyon path surveying the scenery. You tell me he's agoraphobic instead of showing it. I'd have him facing the canyon wall, both hands attempting to cling to it, too terrified to look down before he finally edged his way out of the situation. I'm not sure he'd want to move (or even open his eyes) before at least attempting to puzzle out why he was there.

You tell me he doesn't know how he got here, which I don't like. What does he know? What was the last thing he remembered before finding himself on this canyon path?

How come he reached somewhere flat after a few moments? If he's halfway up a canyon wall, where is this flat land? Has he been travelling upward to the canyon rim, or downward to the floor, or has the canyon mysteriously petered out, or even disappeared?

Then we have a situation with an odd creature which appears from nowhere, scares the protagonist, then disappears again.

If this is all a dream, it's a tacky opening. If it isn't, you need to have a good reason for making your opening scenery change into "a larger mass of land", whatever that means, before vanishing from the narrative. There needs to be rules about a place to give me something to hold onto, something to help me identify with the protagonist. It's not a puzzle if there are no rules or constraints.

Here everything seems subject to almost instant change. I don't know enough after three paragraphs to care about Aubrey. I don't know who he is, where he is, or why he's there. After he's run off, I don't even know what the place looks like any more.

I want the start to give me a context. This opening gives me nothing other than a name and meaningless events.

In most canyons, ledges can and do lead to bigger land masses. Amnesia would be a horrible cliche. He knows who he is, just not how or why he arrived. Sorry it didn't work for you. For me, questions are a good thing.

Appreciate you taking the time for the extensive feedback.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

Some of Jon's feedback is correct. In the third paragraph you begin to get into the story and from then I might well read on.

However the first paragraphs are just scenery.

 

[sahlmi]

Some of Jon's feedback is correct. In the third paragraph you begin to get into the story and from then I might well read on.

However the first paragraphs are just scenery.

thanks AnyaK.

 

[JonH]

In most canyons, ledges can and do lead to bigger land masses.

I'm sure you're right, but I don't know what you mean by 'a bigger land mass'. I'm trying to say, for me at least, you need to use different words to paint the picture. I can guess from the conversation that the ledge widens into a plateau, but I couldn't on first reading, and even now I'm not certain that's what you are getting at.

 

[sahlmi]

I'm sure you're right, but I don't know what you mean by 'a bigger land mass'. I'm trying to say, for me at least, you need to use different words to paint the picture. I can guess from the conversation that the ledge widens into a plateau, but I couldn't on first reading, and even now I'm not certain that's what you are getting at.

gotcha. if one person has a problem (with a meaning), then it's a problem.
appreciate that.

 

[Bowler1]

It was only description in the first two para's, so not much interest as an opening.


The last gets an element of danger in, but motivation for the blue beast hating the character was never explained and as the character ran away and was ok, how much mortal danger was the character ever in?


Not a lot to go on really. Don't let that get you down today, getting the knack of openings is not easy. Have a look at "best served cold" opening (use the FREE look inside in Amazon) for what I think is a good opening. Description that is nice and concise, while getting emotion in too.

 

[sahlmi]

It was only description in the first two para's, so not much interest as an opening.


The last gets an element of danger in, but motivation for the blue beast hating the character was never explained and as the character ran away and was ok, how much mortal danger was the character ever in?


Not a lot to go on really. Don't let that get you down today, getting the knack of openings is not easy. Have a look at "best served cold" opening (use the FREE look inside in Amazon) for what I think is a good opening. Description that is nice and concise, while getting emotion in too.

only so much can be explained in three paragraphs! lol!
it comes together.
never gets me down.
thanks guy.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I'm a picky one, be warned...

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Aubrey stood and looked around the area starting with a veil or filter (looked, so removing me from the scene by one step), automatically removes me from the character experience. Could it just be Aubrey took in the ...?, taking in the panorama of rust stone walls that surrounded him above and below. He had no idea of how he came to be here--a canyon of all places--but a more level area than this narrow ledge would serve better for rationalized thought. This was the last place an agoraphobic man wanted to be especially under the most puzzling circumstance. Okay, so he's agroraphobic - so why's that not in his behaviour? Most agoraphobics in this circumstance would be in a high state of anxiety (possibly a panic attack - the two conditions are often linked, with panic being the underlying reason behind agoraphobia.) When I get into a state of high anxiety, panic, the following are happening:

My breathing is too shallow and I feel dizzy
My heart is beating too quickly
I'm thirsty because my throat is dry
My hands are sweating, at the very least, and I might feel very hot
My thoughts are disordered, with no rationality behind them other than I need to be somewhere else, as soon as possible.
I'm not saying you need all of them, but a hint of some of them might bring a little more urgency to the scene?

A path, maybe a meter wide with an up-sloping facade on the inner edge and a straight drop on the other, curved around to his right.And I certainly wouldn't be thinking anything as coherent as that. I'd be like, a path; okay, let's go, and off at a run, even if there might be danger ahead. Because with agoraphobia, faced with an open space, you're going to have a huge burst of adrenalin, which either means you need to run, or freeze. I think you could do either, but not this nice, relaxed taking in what's around him. Whatever lay beyond that trail seemed to be a logical place to seek answers. He breathed too fast and had to mount the courage to sidestep along the waygood, better - but normally I don't realise I'm breathing too quickly, just that I'm dizzy, clinging with his back to the wall. After a few agonizing moments, he reached a larger mass of land where more plants and greener patches of wild grass contrasted the abundant red stone.

A figure, more incomplete than whole, appeared in Aubrey'shis, I think peripheral vision. It formed from nothing, solidified, then stared at him through sunken, gray eyes with a hatred that reached Aubrey's core. Not just menace, but a pure rancor that made Aubrey regret being the target.I'd like a little more about how this actually looked, rather than the telling of what it's doing. I'd like to be able to imagine it a little more. The creature towered with slick blueish skin which gleamed unnaturally in the sun, looking mucousy wet. It took one step forward on a taloned foot, and Aubrey kicked up loose dirt in a sprint. He didn't look back until he dropped from exhaustion, and when he finally dared a glance behind him, the thing was gone.[/QUOTE]

I think, like the others on the thread, I feel it doesn't get going until the third paragraph. The first two seem to be there to set the scene, and so they're being told in a narrator-style fashion, rather than from Aubrey, and so they're not reading as accurate to me. The writing is nice and clean, and if you could get it closer to his character and make me believe in him as a point of view a little more, I might well read on. But, as it stands, I'm not sure I would; I'd need to feel the author was surer on the character and their believability.

Hope it helps. Consistency in crits is always a good thing, I find.

 

[sahlmi]

Yes it is, and thanks Springs. Excellent point with showing the fear more/better--as also stated prev. That will be done for sure.

The pov seems to be a style difference between us. At the beginning of a scene, i prefer to pull back the camera and be the invisible, non-commentator author until I'm ready to move directly in mc pov. Once there, I try to stay there, so I understand your point perfectly--I just don't do it right away. My personal view is since I like reading with a momentary breather from a char's head, I tend to write that way also. If that opening camera is pulled back too long, though (perhaps more than one medium or two short paragphs), then I'm with you. It seems I must have done that here, but that's where you guys and gals come in...

high thanks again.

 

[tinkerdan]

I have to agree with springs and I'll tell you why under the circumstances you have built this already it has to be.

Springs is absolutely correct about how this person has to be reacting and since you start with them in the middle of what should be a high-anxiety moment; by pulling away and trying to come at it slowly you are destroying your own setup. In this instance you can't have it that way except perhaps for the first sentence because as soon as your camera is close enough all his sweat and trembling and near suffocation is all that you are going to see and you need to go with that otherwise he's not an agoraphobic man and you are lying to the reader.

Opps: almost forgot. I liked it and would continue on but you need to tighten up that POV thing really quick and it seems like one side of your mind is telling you that you need the high anxiety moment to start and the other wants to be cinematic.
Keep writing and give this some thought.

 

[sahlmi]

Perfect logical and agreed. sometimes one simply needs to be made aware...esp when it makes perfect sense.

love it and thanks.