Carnival Nowhere 600 wrd opening

[sahlmi]

Here's another short story opening. It has a lot of horror elements later on, but most of it is too 'fantastic' to be called pure horror. Just want to see what others think so far.
​

CARNIVAL NOWHERE

​

Casey's will was no longer his own as he drove off course. Neon carnival lights and music in the summer night attracted him away from his original destination--a going away party for one of his former frat brothers. He tried to steer back to his intended route, but a force countered his motion. He gripped the wheel too tightly and shook his hands one at a time to get blood flowing again—at least he was allowed to do that.

​

"Um...What are you doing?” Matt said from the back seat. “Jake's house is the other way."

​

Once, just once, couldn't Matt ask a simple question without sounding like a wise ass? Casey didn't answer since he didn't understand what was happening himself.

​

Matt's voice woke Jen and she lifted her head from Casey's shoulder, pushing her hair behind her ears. "What, are we lost?”

​

"I just want something to eat.” Casey said, finally speaking. Were those even his words? “There’s nothing else on the way and that carnival’s the closest place to get a burger or something right now."

​

"Kind of an expensive snack, don't you think rich boy? Matt said. "Suppose there's an admission charge, you paying?"

​

"Yeah, I’ll pay. We'll just get something to eat and be back on the way in less than thirty minutes."

​

Trace groaned from the back. Just turned twenty-five and already a lush. Drunk before any of the rest of them had their first party drink.

​

"Some food might save us from passing out like Trace back there." Casey said while parking in the carnival lot.

​

As they stepped up to the entrance booth, an effete man dressed in over-sized, tacky clothes offered them a fake smile, and without a word, motioned for them walk in.

​

"It's free?" Matt asked.

​

"Everything's free," the man said in a deeper voice than expected, "games, food, shows, whatever."

​

That made about as much sense to Casey as his compulsion to drive here. "How do you afford to stay in business?"

​

"Why question our generosity?

​

Casey shrugged and the couples wandered in. Trace said something, but Casey could barely heard her because of the mesh of music box music and crowd chatter. A few laughing children ran by with rainbow colored cotton candy, half in their hands and half on their faces. He hated mobs, and he hated kids, yet he couldn't turn to leave.

​

As they weaved into the masses to get to a row of food tents, Trace laughed after noticing one of the carny games--a happy-faced, cross-eyed toilet with a bow tie. "Go win me something, Matt."

​

Five minutes later, Matt handed her a cupie doll.

​

Trace took it like it and grimaced. "That's the homeliest doll I've ever seen."

​

"I think it's cute," Jen said. "If you don't want it, I can give it to my niece."

​

"Take it," Trace said while passing the doll, but she dropped it before Jen could grab it. "It moved!"

​

Casey looked down at the doll. "No way, probably wind up or something."

​

But he was wrong.

​

Casey jumped back as the doll rolled on to its back and smiled. It stood, and simultaneously the carnival scene morph into a fuzzy blue, like Casey had put on indigo-tinted glasses. Though now only transparent, random square patches of floating land hovered with no visible means of support. Thin, intertwining trees grew skyward from the patches, their branches and leaves so dense that only splintered rays from an invisible sun hit Casey’s face. On the lower ground, strange, root-like plants knotted like oily eels. The carnival noises faded to a mellow wind as the scene completed the transformation and solidified.

 

[Brian G Turner]

Casey's will was no longer his own as he drove off course. Neon carnival lights and music in the summer night attracted him away from his original destination--a going away party for one of his former frat brothers. He tried to steer back to his intended route, but a force countered his motion. He gripped the wheel too tightly and shook his hands one at a time to get blood flowing again—at least he was allowed to do that.
​

IMO you can work this stronger - what causes Casey to go to the carnival? An outside force? A sense of destiny? Something unknown? Either way, focus on that and build up that tension. At the moment Casey comes across as slightly dithering - kind of expects to go somewhere, but ends up somewhere else.

The dialogue immediately after that section effectively echoes the first paragraph - Casey expects to go somewhere, but ends up somewhere else. You could probably cut it out, else down a lot so you're not repeating the semantics.

This is particularly because you're writing a short story, so you don't have time to idle - you need to keep the story moving quickly and get to the point.

​

IMO you're in danger of using dialogue in lieu of character experience, because later on events seemed to be carried by dialogue more than anything. What does Casey feel? What does Casey want?

At the moment, little, as he drives his friends somewhere on a whim, doesn't like it, but just sticks around. Consider giving him a more active role and more input so we follow someone doing things for a reason.

Simply 2c.

 

[sahlmi]

Thx I, Brian. I don't see the aimlessness to the extreme that you suggest, but it's something to consider. It can only help.

 

[barrett1987]

Casey could barely heard her
Trace laughed after noticing one of the carny games--a happy-faced, cross-eyed toilet with a bow tie.

Casey looked down at the doll. "No way, probably wind up or something." <--poor dialogue here

the carnival scene morphed into a fuzzy blue

 

[sahlmi]

Casey could barely heard her
Trace laughed after noticing one of the carny games--a happy-faced, cross-eyed toilet with a bow tie.

Casey looked down at the doll. "No way, probably wind up or something." <--poor dialogue here

the carnival scene morphed into a fuzzy blue

what a couple of goofs! thanks Barrett.

 

[tinkerdan]

This is pretty interesting.

I too think that the weirdness of not being in control is a bit off as a start. What I'd suggest is move the food suggestion into his head near the top as a self deception.

The same as someone who need to relieve themselves looks for a rest-stop he or his stomach is looking for the first place with food. You might have to play with the strength of that as opposed to the reality that he's not really hungry and the very idea later that he neither likes crowds or kids and the place he's headed for should have lots of both and he should be aware of that as much as he is of the food.

It would be interesting to see where this is going. It gets a little Alice in wonderland magic pills and mushrooms awfully quick though.

 

[sahlmi]

This is pretty interesting.

I too think that the weirdness of not being in control is a bit off as a start. What I'd suggest is move the food suggestion into his head near the top as a self deception.

The same as someone who need to relieve themselves looks for a rest-stop he or his stomach is looking for the first place with food. You might have to play with the strength of that as opposed to the reality that he's not really hungry and the very idea later that he neither likes crowds or kids and the place he's headed for should have lots of both and he should be aware of that as much as he is of the food.

It would be interesting to see where this is going. It gets a little Alice in wonderland magic pills and mushrooms awfully quick though.

Thx TinkerD. I think I really like what you're saying in the second paragraph, but I still don't quite get it (slow day). Can you rephrase that? Because I think I like where your idea is heading, but again, I'm not too clear on it.

Now if I didn't get to the "Alice" part when I did, the comments would be, "too slow". .

 

[sahlmi]

As for the opening, is this any better/worse/getting there?

Casey's will was no longer his own as he drove off course. A compulsion he'd never felt, let alone so intensely. He'd nodded off while driving before, with his body on automatic pilot, but this feeling had sentient conviction.

Neon carnival lights and music in the summer night attracted him away from his original destination--a going away party for one of his former frat brothers. He tried to steer back to his intended route, but the force countered his motion. He gripped the wheel too tightly and shook his hands one at a time to get blood flowing again—at least he was allowed to do that.

 

[john11]

I think there are a lot of problems with this piece and they echo more or less the same problems as the last piece of work you submitted, what i mean is you appear to have learned very little, or seem to be ignoring the advice you were given last time.

I am sure writing is a learning process so please do not be disheartened by this.

You start with a really bad hook which generates little interest and the rest of the scene is just dialogue.

Also you seem to be a laid back kind of writer where the words you choose to employ build slow sentences as i was reading your piece word by word i could not engage with the characters or feel any kind of empathy. I could not get into their heads and figure out what these people were all about.

My best advice at this stage would be to go to the local lending library and read the first few paragraphs of books by pro writers, pay close attention to the first chapter and see the tricks they use, ask yourself: what is it about these lines that is encouraging me to read further?"

Hopefully this will inspire you to construct better openings. Purely by way of example:

By John Green. The fault in our stars: Late in the winter of my seventeenth year, my mother decided I was depressed, presumably because I rarely left the house, spent quite a lot of time in bed, read the same book over and over, ate infrequently, and devoted quite a bit of my abundant free time to thinking about death.
Whenever you read a cancer booklet or website or whatever, they always list depression among the side effects of cancer. But, in fact, depression is not a side effect of cancer. Depression is a side effect of dying. (Cancer is also a side effect of dying. Almost everything is, really.) But my mom believed I required treatment, so she took me to see my Regular Doctor Jim, who agreed that I was veritably swimming in a paralyzing and totally clinical depression, and that therefore my meds should be adjusted and also I should attend a weekly Support Group.
This Support Group featured a rotating cast of characters in various states of tumor-driven unwellness. Why did the cast rotate? A side effect of dying.

Harry potter and the goblet of fire is also good, choose books within your genre.

Best of luck. John.

 

[sahlmi]

I appreciate that John.

I'm thinking, judging by your example, that we may have a reader/writer style preference happening. That was something I'd never read nor choose to emulate. Put me to sleep half way thru.

That doesn't mean I don't think I can't improve, I simply don't feel I'm that far removed from where I want to be.

 

[Brian G Turner]

sahlmi, I think the new opening is better - certain presents a sense of mystery.

 

[sahlmi]

sahlmi, I think the new opening is better - certain presents a sense of mystery.

Thanks Brian, I re-read my post after reading your comments and completely saw what you were saying. Still gonna give it some more thought.

thx a mil.

Sam

 

[Bowler1]

Learning can be a nice long slow process and it most certainly was for me, once someone gets there, who cares.

This is just (word repeating is something you need to tune into when editing, you have just) my first time seeing your stuff sahlmi and I think you show promise, but have some work ahead. The opening and ending was narration and description heavy for me and didn't grab me. The middle was all dialogue and the dialogue had to carry too much to be effective. What you need do is simple - mix it up more. All the writing tools used a bit at a time have more impact. Like music, one note played too long is dull and boring. Lots of notes, long and short, high and low, drum and bass etc. make for something more interesting. Good luck with it mate.

 

[sahlmi]

Learning can be a nice long slow process and it most certainly was for me, once someone gets there, who cares.

This is just (word repeating is something you need to tune into when editing, you have just) my first time seeing your stuff sahlmi and I think you show promise, but have some work ahead. The opening and ending was narration and description heavy for me and didn't grab me. The middle was all dialogue and the dialogue had to carry too much to be effective. What you need do is simple - mix it up more. All the writing tools used a bit at a time have more impact. Like music, one note played too long is dull and boring. Lots of notes, long and short, high and low, drum and bass etc. make for something more interesting. Good luck with it mate.

beautifully stated!

 

[john11]

I appreciate that John.

I'm thinking, judging by your example, that we may have a reader/writer style preference happening. That was something I'd never read nor choose to emulate. Put me to sleep half way thru.

That doesn't mean I don't think I can't improve, I simply don't feel I'm that far removed from where I want to be.

I do appreciate what you are saying and you do have a valid point not all genres are suitable for all people, what i was hoping you would do is look at the example paragraph for form and structure not entertainment value.

This is an exercise we did in creative writing class it is a real eye opener and i feel it will help you on the road to learning. Go down to your local lending library and grab a dozen books now go through the opening paragraph and look at all the different points raised by each author, go further and compare and contrast each opening chapter of each book. You will definitely notice a lot of similarities between each, examine these similarities and see how they can inspire your work.

I do not want to say too much as i do not want to get in the way of your learning but look at the sample paragraph from John Green see how much information he conveys in those few lines, see how the opening paragraph orientates around the pov character (which opening paragraphs should), her wants needs desires problems see the pain she obviously is in.

As stated this is a very good exercise and i really think you will benefit from it.

Finally, google

The-three-act-structure

and also

The-hero's-journey

These are good learning aids

The main problem with the piece you submitted is that you start in the middle of a scene which is never a good idea, unless you are a really really talented writer which i am not.

The problem is because we do not know the pov character we have had no chance to empathise wth him so he could go through the most terrible trails and tribulations and the reader could well say : I don't know this guy and i couldn't care less about him.

 

[Toby Frost]

I have to say that I disagree that being dropped into the middle of things is a bad idea, especially a short story. I’m not sure whether the slower, discursive opening you’ve quoted would be too long in a short story (and might not suit some novels). I think the reader is willing to try to like (or at least follow) the main character despite not knowing much about them. Without further information, I’d just assume that the person was an ordinary Joe (or Jane depending on the name) for whatever the setting is and read on to see how they were fleshed out. Also, dropping them into the middle of the action raises questions in the reader’s mind as to what’s going on, and hopefully makes them want to read on. In a short story, I think “I want to get back to my wife and kids” is sufficient, if not very original, motivation.

I agree that the hero needs to be more shocked about his “decision” to change destination. At the moment, it feels like “I felt like a change”: I don’t think that’s strong enough. “Why am I here?” or “What the hell am I doing?” is stronger and more intriguing. That’s the big question at the start of the story. Also, the fact that he immediately thinks about Matt being annoying greatly weakens the surprise of driving off course, because suddenly he’s thinking about something different to what’s really interesting. This should be really disconcerting for him. (I’m not wholly sure whether it would be more powerful if he was alone, too). I do think that the second opening you posted is stronger, though.

As a final thought, a bunch of kids have wandered into a sinister carny. I already have a strong idea how this will end, with screaming girls, murderous clowns (are there any nice clowns left these days?) and a ringmaster played by Rob Zombie. It seems that you’re steering away from that, which is good, although I don’t know if fairgrounds are a bit overused anyhow. But I agree with Tinkerdan that it does seem to get very weird very fast.

 

[sahlmi]

I do appreciate what you are saying and you do have a valid point not all genres are suitable for all people, what i was hoping you would do is look at the example paragraph for form and structure not entertainment value.

This is an exercise we did in creative writing class it is a real eye opener and i feel it will help you on the road to learning. Go down to your local lending library and grab a dozen books now go through the opening paragraph and look at all the different points raised by each author, go further and compare and contrast each opening chapter of each book. You will definitely notice a lot of similarities between each, examine these similarities and see how they can inspire your work.

I do not want to say too much as i do not want to get in the way of your learning but look at the sample paragraph from John Green see how much information he conveys in those few lines, see how the opening paragraph orientates around the pov character (which opening paragraphs should), her wants needs desires problems see the pain she obviously is in.

As stated this is a very good exercise and i really think you will benefit from it.

Finally, google

The-three-act-structure

and also

The-hero's-journey

These are good learning aids

The main problem with the piece you submitted is that you start in the middle of a scene which is never a good idea, unless you are a really really talented writer which i am not.

The problem is because we do not know the pov character we have had no chance to empathise wth him so he could go through the most terrible trails and tribulations and the reader could well say : I don't know this guy and i couldn't care less about him.

Perfectly reasonable, thanks again John. I know it's a "bad" thing, but I do believe I have talent, and only a publisher will make me feel otherwise. I simply want to improve that talent with the help of other observant eyes.

 

[sahlmi]

I agree that the hero needs to be more shocked about his “decision” to change destination. At the moment, it feels like “I felt like a change”: I don’t think that’s strong enough. “Why am I here?” or “What the hell am I doing?” is stronger and more intriguing. That’s the big question at the start of the story. Also, the fact that he immediately thinks about Matt being annoying greatly weakens the surprise of driving off course, because suddenly he’s thinking about something different to what’s really interesting. This should be really disconcerting for him. (I’m not wholly sure whether it would be more powerful if he was alone, too). I do think that the second opening you posted is stronger, though.

As a final thought, a bunch of kids have wandered into a sinister carny. I already have a strong idea how this will end, with screaming girls, murderous clowns (are there any nice clowns left these days?) and a ringmaster played by Rob Zombie. It seems that you’re steering away from that, which is good, although I don’t know if fairgrounds are a bit overused anyhow. But I agree with Tinkerdan that it does seem to get very weird very fast.

Thank you, Toby. I was thinking that the statement toward Matt was showing Casey's irritability because of his unexpected situation, but I suppose I should re-think that.

Guessing the ending again...just can't be done with me. I always evade the obvious because I can't stand reading the obvious. There are no screaming girls, not one clown, not one monster. It's about situations and how those situations conclude in this weird place. His friends are needed because each "stars" in an event, so tho Casey is the pov character to get thru the story, he's not always the main focus. Fairgrounds (anything) can be overused when they're typical/predictable, this is not.

But I see, and agree, that Casey can be stronger, esp since everything will be thru his eyes and I thank you and the preceding for bringing that to my attention. That's precisely why I'm here.