Beginings - again (last time i promise (fingers crossed))

[Bowler1]

A thank you to Tinkerden for more ideas and a change to the opening lines. I'm hoping this is better again and as its my planned opening I'm very keen for feedback. Anyway get stuck in guys.

# # #

Sound had been with it, or at least for as long as it could remember sound had been there, coming from beyond. There was even a growing understanding of the sounds that surrounded it, calling out and getting a reply at times. Fascinating sounds, that were stirring something deep within. Light too had slowly come to be, what little of it that passed through from outside. Only shadows could be seen moving from beyond and of no interest to it at all. If it were not for what it could hear from outside, it would have ignored the world beyond, comfortable in its ever tighter space, until now. A feeling, an impulse really, to push and push had grown from the depths of its being and was now all consuming.

So it pushed. Pushed and pushed and what strength it had was used up, and still, its barrier held; there was no escape. Struggling for space the creature pushed again and this time with more success, a crack, and light appeared.

It hurt her eyes.

‘Push. Push some more.’ New sounds that had meaning, but this time meant for her alone.

Only a small amount of encouragement, but enough to start her pushing again, and suddenly, her head was free and she took in the outside world for the first time, little more than fuzzy shapes and shades of colour. Finally able to move, but not having the strength to do so, she hung her head, exhausted. Chirping distress, weak and with an edge of desperation, the baby creature called and called.

‘Welcome, little one. Push some more. You’re almost free,’ said the voice again, clicks slow and supportive.

Moving around in the remains of her shell the baby Many tried to communicate, but only managed meaningless squeaks.

‘I am Nurse H4. Welcome.’ With a soft and loving touch, Nurse removed a membrane and helped the little one on. ‘Nest is all. Nest grows.’

This baby Many now recognised this caring voice as Nurse H4.

Almost free, the baby stopped to rest, while most of her body remained in her birthing shell. Sleep began to take her, as her urge to push slowly faded.

‘Don’t stop,’ said Nurse H4 once again, with a hint of urgency. ‘Your egg has broken. You’re almost free. Keep going.’

So she pushed again, one last time. With encouragement and help from Nurse H4, the little one finally broke free and fell onto a warm hatching floor, newly born.

‘All done. Rest now,’ said Nurse H4. ‘I bring food.’

She could feel Nurse H4 gently cleaning her skin and all this new life wanted to do was sleep.
A multitude of new and confusing sights, smells and sensations washed over this new life, lying exhausted on the hatchling floor. Slowly, ever so slowly, her eyes closed.

Nurse H4 gently picked her up and carried this tiny new baby to a resting shelf where she would be warm and safe. All the while Nurse’s smell imprinted onto this latest addition to Nest, enabling her to take her place among the Many that worked and thrived all around. Already this new member was becoming part of the wider group and a force that would shape her life from her very first, to her very last.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Okay, how does my quoting go....

# # #

Sound had been with it, or at least for as long as it could remember sound had been there, coming from beyond.

I think this line needs more work. It's your first and I find it hard to follow. That could scupper you from the off. What about:

Sound had been with it - or, at least for as long as it could remember, sound had been there, coming from beyond.

It's a bit jerky, though, when broken up; if I were you, I'd try to rewrite for clarity.


It hurt her eyes.

I'm confused that it is now a her...? If it's deliberate, an awakening of consciousness,
I need more.

So she pushed again, one last time. With encouragement and help from Nurse H4, the little one finally broke free and fell onto a warm hatching floor, newly born.

The little one seemed a shift in pov - how would it/she know this?

[/QUOTE]

In general, I thought it was better but the shift to the narrator-style voice didn't work for me as well as staying with the baby would have. Some nice imagery, though, and well on its way.

 

[Darkranger85]

I couldn't figure out to quote so I'll copy and paste.

Sound had been with it, or at least for as long as it could remember sound had been there, coming from beyond. There was even a growing understanding of the sounds that surrounded it, calling out and getting a reply at times. Fascinating sounds, that were stirring something deep within. Light too had slowly come to be, what little of it that passed through from outside. Only shadows could be seen moving from beyond and of no interest to it at all. If it were not for what it could hear from outside, it would have ignored the world beyond, comfortable in its ever tighter space, until now. A feeling, an impulse really, to push and push had grown from the depths of its being and was now all consuming.

I found this paragraph really confusing, especially the first sentences.

"Sound had been with it, or at least for as long as it could remember sound had been there, coming from beyond."

At the moment I'm having a hard time coming up with an alternative, but as a reader the first thing that came to my mind on reading this was:

"Huh? Sound had been with what?"

Perhaps something more like:

There had always been sounds coming from out there. . .

It's not perfect by any means, but something kind of like that if you get what I'm saying lol. And keep in mind this is just my opinion.

Good work though, I look forward to hearing more.

 

[J Riff]

You could cut and paste a bit with this and it might be betterish.
Sound had been with it, or at least (sound had been there) for as long as it could remember(,) - coming from beyond.
There was (even) a growing understanding of the sounds that surrounded it.
calling out and getting a reply at times.
Fascinating sounds that were stirring something deep within. Light, too, had slowly come to be, (the) little of it that passed through from outside.
Only shadows could be seen moving (from) beyond, (and they were) of no interest to it (at all).
If it were not for what it could hear (from) outside, it would have ignored the world beyond, comfortable in its ever tighter space.
Until now. A feeling, an impulse really, to push and push had grown in (from) the depths of its being and was now all-consuming.

 

[ginny]

I can see where there could be confusion about the first paragraph. I was confused but after reading it all I think I understand it better. The question is whether you can live with confusing readers until a certain point and even then losing them if they can't quite add things together.

I'm uncertain how to fix that other than to possibly give the whole experience more meaning to the It that becomes a she of many after the hatching.

::
Something like this
::

It understood sound to an extent that it was its life, to this moment. The rhythm and beat had always been soothing since it had become aware. It had always seemed that the noise and perception were connected; and somewhere along the way it had become aware that there were other things filtering in through the sound, things demanding recognition. Like some other; trying to push into its awareness. There was a growing understanding of meaning within the sounds, calling out and getting a reply at times. Fascinating sounds, that were stirring something deep, but frightening, within. Now to its consternation light and shadow had slowly crept into being; disrupting the order of things. Shadows moved beyond its comfort area and it had tried to shut those out, so as to listen once again to reassuring rhythms. But the beat had changed and what was comfort before became increasingly unbearable until there was the impulse to push and it had grown from the depths of its being and was now all consuming.

::
I tried to switch away from too many aware- piled on top of each other, but I know you are dealing with an infant that is still developing so many of my words are possibly inappropriate.
The whole is meant to give an idea of how to bring about more understanding to the reader about that which you obviously want them to learn mostly as the it that is she learns it. I'm not sure this will help some who have objection anyway but perhaps it will help you decide how much more needs to be revealed to make the reader happy.

I like this over all and would read on to find out what strange new world this creature has been born into.

 

[Bowler1]

Looks like I need my muse to get hit with a bolt of lightening to get a rocking first line. Thank you all for your kind comments which have been very helpful.

 

[ctg]

Man, I think you're trying too hard with this one but I have to say I had no problems on understanding what was happening in the scene. However what I wanted was to see the bigger picture. To understand more about their world and how it would be different to ours. Thing is, and I cannot remember I have told you this earlier, most of the stories in here are human stories. Not alien stories. And not even animal stories even though this one could be one of those. But if you manage to one day to finish this you should feel proud as not that many writers have made a story from totally alien perspective, or that matter from animal (character) point-of-view.

 

[tinkerdan]

I think that this is coming along nicely and yes it is a unique view of a strange creature so it is likely to turn a few peoples heads the wrong way. But I do think I read something else in the forum with some creature POV unless that was more of Bowler1. I don't know if I could even locate it now.

 

[Cat's Cradle]

Hey Bowler1...it's an interesting piece. I had never considered writing something from this POV before...this seems like a tough challenge, but a great writing exercise. I have some thoughts on the opening, and wrote something for you to consider; this isn't perfect, but I wonder if something like this retains enough of the style of your story to be of some use to you. Hope this helps, and let us see what's next! CC

Sound had been its sole companion in the confines of the dark world for as long as it could remember; over time there was a dawning comprehension that the sounds coming from beyond the darkness were calling out to it, and it attempted to reply.

 

[Bowler1]

Thanks guys for the comments. There are humans in CTG, and it's mostly human interaction with my aliens or it really would be a hard sell. By the way, I hate spiders.
This has been a tough one to write and very likely not go anywhere, but it has been a fun in a challenging way. I don't think I'd be anywhere near where I am now without help from Chrons, I've been back with silly questions a few times. I should be finished soon and have that smug glow for a few weeks. I'll keep playing with my opening, I feel it's close to the mark now. Thanks and laters.

 

[ctg]

Just finish this and you'll be golden.

And yes, many people hate spiders. Some do it so passionately even though they are keeping away really nasty things. But I guess you would like to live in the world full of bugs and other creepy crawlies, and so, I am keeping my avatar and refuse to change it to something fluffier. Sorry.