Dear All,
I would welcome your comments. This is the 1st Chapter of my contemporary SciFi novel Emergence (90k words in total - this excerpt is 1,000 words).
I am particularly interested in views you may have about:
- poor grammar (I have checked it many times - but I may simply be ill-educated)
- text that seems to "expositional", noting it is Chapter 1 (or the perhaps the Prologue) and so I do have to set the scene
... that said, I will gladly receive all comments
regards
Nick (my real name!)
February 1965
Bill ran blindly through the dark backstreets of Hampstead. At this time of night it should have been silent, but faint noises of pursuit echoed in the distance. His legs ached as he pushed himself onwards; wet slippery pavements hampered his progress, but he rushed as quickly as he could. Escape was the only thing on his mind.
The headlights of a vehicle swept around the corner, Bill threw himself sideways into a hedge. The car flashed past without slowing. He peered out, waiting until the road had cleared. A few seconds later, he got back onto the pavement, stopping dead still for a moment, listening. There were other cars approaching, not yet too close, but definitely closing in. Bill took a few deep breaths and started to run again, quickly building up speed.
Unprompted, Bill’s mind flashed back to earlier in the afternoon. He’d repeatedly refused to take part in a pain endurance test. He’d continued to say no until the scientist, incensed, had threatened to bring Tom in for an assessment in his place. They’d taken him back to his cell where a guard had laid out in graphic detail the tests Bill’s son would have to endure. Of course Bill had relented, been tested, and now he would have some scars as a constant reminder.
He shook his head, trying to clear the memory of the tests. I have to warn Tom. Heknew physically getting to Oxford was beyond him, there were simply too many people chasing him, but a phone call might be possible. Taking a quick look around, he recognised a side road that led up to Hampstead Heath. He had friends in Highgate who would help.
In almost total darkness, Bill powered up the hill towards the heath. His leg muscles were giving everything asked of them, and his feet were starting to ache from the sheer ferocity of the impacts on the pavement. As he reached the entrance, Bill slowed and peered into the gloom of the heath. Perhaps he had a chance in there, he looked back down the road, there were no vehicles coming up yet.
About to move off, he froze as he heard the unmistakeable sound of a gun being cocked, and a rough voice came out of the darkness.
‘Stop there and you won’t get hurt.’
Bill’s heart sank. A shape appeared, it was one of the soldiers from the laboratory, and there was a revolver pointing directly at Bill’s head. Neither the revolver, nor the voice wavered.
‘Okay Bill, just kneel down on the ground while we wait.’
The soldier reached for the radio attached to his belt, seemingly only keeping half an eye on Bill. The soldier adjusted the knobs but it didn’t seem to be responding. Bill considered his position; could he escape into the darkness? With an almost imperceptible flick of revolver, the soldier reminded him to kneel down.
Suddenly, the radio sprang to life, crackling loudly. Bill felt a wave of hopelessness wash over him and knelt down with his head bowed. A few moments later, in the depths of despair, Bill realised the radio was still crackling but the soldier hadn’t spoken yet. He looked up, just as the soldier collapsed to the ground with a thud.
There’d been no gun shot and there was nobody else around. What just happened? There was a flash of headlights, a few hundred metres away a car was coming up the hill. Bill jumped up and started running again, deeper into the heath.
He turned towards Highgate. Behind him, he could hear sirens and what sounded like muffled explosions. As he moved steadily eastward, the pursuit faded away and his plan evolved. He could get to his friends in about ten minutes; using their telephone, he’d tell Tom to meet him somewhere. I need a safe place we can hide.
The night was moonless and dark, Bill slowed his pace to avoid accidently stumbling into a tree, or worse. He thought he had about half a mile to get to the Highgate Ponds and then it would be a matter of moments to get to Milfield Lane. For the tenth time that night, he replayed the last week’s activities in his head. At the beginning of the week, when he’d initially arrived at the laboratory, the scientists had all been very friendly. But it had changed dramatically with the electro-shock tests a few days later, after which, he’d been told he couldn’t leave – National Security. Then the experiments had become genuinely dangerous, rather than just mildly painful.
The darkness started to ease, and up ahead, the lights of Highgate were visible. Bill quickened his pace. Suddenly he felt a stinging pain in his leg; he reached down instinctively to rub it. What was that, a bee? He felt himself slow; and he collapsed to the ground. After a few seconds his strength returned, he got up, but another sting hit him in the small of his back. This time he only stumbled, but then there was a muffled shriek close behind him and a pain bloomed in his skull. Heavy footsteps were closing in as Bill momentarily blacked out.
It had only been seconds when Bill became aware of sounds again, the footsteps were still approaching. There was also a new background noise - a faint mechanical humming. Bill managed to open his eyes, he half-turned on the ground and watched with mounting terror as a shape loomed out of the darkness.
Through the gloom, Bill saw a hand with six fingers reached down towards him; the hand was large, very large. His eyes lingered for a few seconds on the hand, then his attention was drawn to the muscled forearm disappearing into a heavy sleeve. Terrified, but unable to look away, his gaze continued up the arm to a chest the width of two normal humans; and then the creature’s head: green, enormous eyes and very carnivorous looking teeth.
The creature’s hand took a firm hold of Bill’s jacket and effortlessly lifted him into the air.
Bill gasped as he was carried away.
***
At first light the next day, the hunt for Bill continued. Police with dogs were drafted in, but they hunted in vain. No trace of Bill was found. He’d disappeared, along with the solider who had been patrolling the south west side of Hampstead Heath.
I would welcome your comments. This is the 1st Chapter of my contemporary SciFi novel Emergence (90k words in total - this excerpt is 1,000 words).
I am particularly interested in views you may have about:
- poor grammar (I have checked it many times - but I may simply be ill-educated)
- text that seems to "expositional", noting it is Chapter 1 (or the perhaps the Prologue) and so I do have to set the scene
... that said, I will gladly receive all comments
regards
Nick (my real name!)
February 1965
Bill ran blindly through the dark backstreets of Hampstead. At this time of night it should have been silent, but faint noises of pursuit echoed in the distance. His legs ached as he pushed himself onwards; wet slippery pavements hampered his progress, but he rushed as quickly as he could. Escape was the only thing on his mind.
The headlights of a vehicle swept around the corner, Bill threw himself sideways into a hedge. The car flashed past without slowing. He peered out, waiting until the road had cleared. A few seconds later, he got back onto the pavement, stopping dead still for a moment, listening. There were other cars approaching, not yet too close, but definitely closing in. Bill took a few deep breaths and started to run again, quickly building up speed.
Unprompted, Bill’s mind flashed back to earlier in the afternoon. He’d repeatedly refused to take part in a pain endurance test. He’d continued to say no until the scientist, incensed, had threatened to bring Tom in for an assessment in his place. They’d taken him back to his cell where a guard had laid out in graphic detail the tests Bill’s son would have to endure. Of course Bill had relented, been tested, and now he would have some scars as a constant reminder.
He shook his head, trying to clear the memory of the tests. I have to warn Tom. Heknew physically getting to Oxford was beyond him, there were simply too many people chasing him, but a phone call might be possible. Taking a quick look around, he recognised a side road that led up to Hampstead Heath. He had friends in Highgate who would help.
In almost total darkness, Bill powered up the hill towards the heath. His leg muscles were giving everything asked of them, and his feet were starting to ache from the sheer ferocity of the impacts on the pavement. As he reached the entrance, Bill slowed and peered into the gloom of the heath. Perhaps he had a chance in there, he looked back down the road, there were no vehicles coming up yet.
About to move off, he froze as he heard the unmistakeable sound of a gun being cocked, and a rough voice came out of the darkness.
‘Stop there and you won’t get hurt.’
Bill’s heart sank. A shape appeared, it was one of the soldiers from the laboratory, and there was a revolver pointing directly at Bill’s head. Neither the revolver, nor the voice wavered.
‘Okay Bill, just kneel down on the ground while we wait.’
The soldier reached for the radio attached to his belt, seemingly only keeping half an eye on Bill. The soldier adjusted the knobs but it didn’t seem to be responding. Bill considered his position; could he escape into the darkness? With an almost imperceptible flick of revolver, the soldier reminded him to kneel down.
Suddenly, the radio sprang to life, crackling loudly. Bill felt a wave of hopelessness wash over him and knelt down with his head bowed. A few moments later, in the depths of despair, Bill realised the radio was still crackling but the soldier hadn’t spoken yet. He looked up, just as the soldier collapsed to the ground with a thud.
There’d been no gun shot and there was nobody else around. What just happened? There was a flash of headlights, a few hundred metres away a car was coming up the hill. Bill jumped up and started running again, deeper into the heath.
He turned towards Highgate. Behind him, he could hear sirens and what sounded like muffled explosions. As he moved steadily eastward, the pursuit faded away and his plan evolved. He could get to his friends in about ten minutes; using their telephone, he’d tell Tom to meet him somewhere. I need a safe place we can hide.
The night was moonless and dark, Bill slowed his pace to avoid accidently stumbling into a tree, or worse. He thought he had about half a mile to get to the Highgate Ponds and then it would be a matter of moments to get to Milfield Lane. For the tenth time that night, he replayed the last week’s activities in his head. At the beginning of the week, when he’d initially arrived at the laboratory, the scientists had all been very friendly. But it had changed dramatically with the electro-shock tests a few days later, after which, he’d been told he couldn’t leave – National Security. Then the experiments had become genuinely dangerous, rather than just mildly painful.
The darkness started to ease, and up ahead, the lights of Highgate were visible. Bill quickened his pace. Suddenly he felt a stinging pain in his leg; he reached down instinctively to rub it. What was that, a bee? He felt himself slow; and he collapsed to the ground. After a few seconds his strength returned, he got up, but another sting hit him in the small of his back. This time he only stumbled, but then there was a muffled shriek close behind him and a pain bloomed in his skull. Heavy footsteps were closing in as Bill momentarily blacked out.
It had only been seconds when Bill became aware of sounds again, the footsteps were still approaching. There was also a new background noise - a faint mechanical humming. Bill managed to open his eyes, he half-turned on the ground and watched with mounting terror as a shape loomed out of the darkness.
Through the gloom, Bill saw a hand with six fingers reached down towards him; the hand was large, very large. His eyes lingered for a few seconds on the hand, then his attention was drawn to the muscled forearm disappearing into a heavy sleeve. Terrified, but unable to look away, his gaze continued up the arm to a chest the width of two normal humans; and then the creature’s head: green, enormous eyes and very carnivorous looking teeth.
The creature’s hand took a firm hold of Bill’s jacket and effortlessly lifted him into the air.
Bill gasped as he was carried away.
***
At first light the next day, the hunt for Bill continued. Police with dogs were drafted in, but they hunted in vain. No trace of Bill was found. He’d disappeared, along with the solider who had been patrolling the south west side of Hampstead Heath.
as ever, I'm an amateur writer who knows very little, and only take what's useful. 
