Assassins Have No Morals

[Caledor]

I'm not new but I honestly haven't been on this forum for a year or two, I used to love coming here and finding new books to read and debating what's going to happen next. I'm not sure how many posts I have under this account, but I used to have another account before this, under the pseudonym "Battlemage" named after my Diablo II character. I know... give me a break though, I was in high school. Anyways, the point is that I've posted on here tons but it was when the forum looked different and I don't see where to check how many posts I've made or where to find my old posts. Still, i had this urge to write and I haven't felt the urge in a long time and so once i was done I wanted to share it with someone and who better to share it with than fellow wannabe writers and book nerds here on this forum? Anyways, I hope I meet the requirements and I hope someone enjoys the read. I have literally no back story or preparation for this story besides stealing some ideas from some of my other work, and no clue if I'll continue or complete it. Enjoy!

P.S. I'm not really looking for someone to fix my grammar and punctuation. I just want to know if it seems like an enjoyable and well written enough story that I should continue it and maybe try to get it published. P.S.S. I was going to post the full 4 pages I wrote but after reading the rules I need to limit the word count so here's just the first half or so.

***Warning! Contains some graphic language and other potentially frowny stuff!***

Who the hell murders a child? Me, apparently. That's who.

The kids parents were already dead, killed by a particularly gentle and yet highly lethal poison I had put together. They passed in their sleep, not knowing a thing or suffering any pain. It's not that I'm some sort of compassionate assassin, no my qualms are few when it comes to killing scumbags like the late Councilor or adulterers like his wife, but stabbing and strangling and most of the usual ways to kill are just- so messy.

The problem is that when my employers said that the couple had a son, I assumed he would be older, already corrupted, not some toddler waving his pink little paws at me and making cooing noises.

He was much, much younger than anyone I had ever killed before. The youngest person I've killed so far was this arrogant prick that was barely sixteen and didn't like it when I stood up to him. After I had warned him a few times that I didn't respond well to being bullied, he still tried to come at me waving his stupid wavy ****ing knife. Lucky for me, when he came after me he tripped and fell and landed directly on top of that stupid ****ing knife of his. His friends saw me rolling him over with the knife still in him, so that would have been awkward to explain. Instead, I just ran.

Ever since, I've been known as a killer. It's where I got my start really, and at the time I was only fourteen. Barely could keep a thought straight in my head besides that I had warned him not to. Over and over in my head, even to the point where I was shaking my head at his stupidity. Once I got my hands to stop shaking and breathing under control I went to where every murderer who's smart goes after killing someone, the docks. I got the hell out of that city and haven't looked back.

Stupid ****ing pompous brats won't let it go though. There's still rewards posted around the city with my name and description, and it's been ten years! Get over it!

One of the idiots even became a guard captain, of course since his father's rich he didn't actually have to serve as a guard, but they jumped him right up to Captain and he gave a speech and everything at the ceremony. He even talked about how witnessing his friends gruesome murder and searching for the killer is what made him want to join the Watch in the first place. As if it wasn't really just to look good in the elections and to avoid being drafted into the army. Still, it made being in the crowd listening to his speech incredibly awkward, I kept having to glance away from him and hold myself back from yelling out that he's a ****ing liar.

Okay, so I lied myself about never looking back, I went back a few times. It's even where I met Kat, but that's a reeeaaalllyyy long story and just now I think I'm starting to realize that I've been standing here for who knows how long staring at this kid, while he's now sucking on my finger with his dead parents just a short ways away.

Rambling away with my own thoughts, not wanting to make a decision, not even wanting to think about making a decision.

Crap. Well if I didn't kill him my employer would probably kill me. You don't take a job killing an entire family and then say “Sorry!” and everything work out perfectly afterwards. So then the question is how do I do it? I have enough poison to kill another adult, it could easily take care of a baby, that was my plan originally but I felt weird administering poison to a toddler. I don't know why exactly, it just felt wrong and undignified.

I pulled out the few things that I had brought; some rope, that wouldn't work, some throwing knifes and of course my big stupid ****ing wavy knife that I for some reason carry with me, just the thought of using that and all of the blood and maybe hearing him screaming made me slightly nauseous. Looking around I didn't see much of use either, I'm not sure how practical it would be to smother a baby, would he start crying and jerking around? I don't think I could handle that.

I notice that the window is open though. Hmmm, it is a long ways down. Who knows if the baby would even mind it. All that wind rushing by almost like you're flying and the end has to come pretty fast right? Probably instantly from this height.

Okay, definitely tossing him out the window seems like the best option at this point. I pick him up and keep him wrapped up in his blanket so he doesn't get too cold. He seems to like being picked up. He's awfully calm for someone who's parents were just killed and who's about to die.

Once I get to the window I hold him out over the ledge, ready to let drop, and then realize I'm stalling again. Staring at him as he playfully squirms around, squirms around so much I freak out that I'm about to drop him, so I pull him in closer, and right when I get my arms wrapped around him completely, the bedroom door starts to open. I have time only to yell a startled “sh*t!” as I quickly jump out the window.

No, I'm not a complete idiot, I was running away from being caught, not jumping to my death, there was a small overhang on the outside of the building and as I hastily took a few steps along that, it led to a conveniently placed tree, that while conveniently placed, was not as easy to navigate down while carrying a baby.

**The End**

Of the first part anyways. After that I wrote a scene where it's several years later and he's meeting with a prospective client, when things get exciting.

Since I haven't posted in here for a long time, I'll make a pledge to give as many critiques to others as I myself receive, as a sort of thanks and fair reciprocity.

 

[Brian G Turner]

Well, if you're writing a first draft and you're only four pages in, it would only be reasonable to presume the first page isn't going to be very polished yet.

However, I would certainly recommend you consider a focus on what's actually happening, as you're already falling into the basic trap of trying to push in backstory - before the story proper even starts. The result is that any pace you develop in the first couple of paragraphs is brought to a stop as you provide an explanation of this characters life, deeds, and background.

That's quite normal at this stage and you don't need to worry about rewriting as yet - because as the story unfolds, you are going to return to the first chapter again and again to ensure it connects with later developments and characters that you flesh out after a complete - and subsequent - drafts.

I would simply provide the suggestion to consider "clarity and pace" as a potential useful mantra to write by.

Also, do spend time in the Writer Resources section - there are so many tips in there you will find useful later on:
http://www.sffchronicles.com/forum/writing-resources/

Hope that helps.

 

[Boneman]

I enjoyed it, and I'm so glad he didn't kill the baby...! I didn't so much mind the backstory, it's the meandering of his mind that comes over quite naturally, as he is the storyteller, and he's telling it in quite a laconic fashion. Is this intended as a whole book, or a short story?

 

[FibonacciEddie]

I'm hooked, I want to find out what happens.

I like the 1st Person style ... but it comes with a warning, if you're aiming for a big story 5k+ words then you may find 1st Person limiting

I'd prefer you didn't kill the baby ... that said, I enjoyed Star Wars and they killed sh!t load on babies on Alderaan; so it comes down to proximity

The previous two replies resonate, too much back story squeezed in early can ruin the flow of the story ... it depends on how much you intend to say later.

Now ... just a gut reaction ... The bit about the sixteen year old you killed did not feel as well written; it came across a little too 'adolescent' ... whereas your protagonists other thoughts were more grounded.

But over all, I like it.

Nice.

 

[Kerrybuchanan]

I really enjoyed reading this and wanted to read on. Your MC has a good strong voice and I found him entertaining and engaging.

I agree that the paragraph about the sixteen year old boys isn't quite as good, but when I reread it I thought only this sentence...

The youngest person I've killed so far was this arrogant prick that was barely sixteen and didn't like it when I stood up to him.

...didn't fit and the rest was fine.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Sorry, there's always one. I couldn't get engaged at all. It was all telling and I glazed over: something to break up the telling might have made it work for me.

 

[Caledor]

Thanks guys! The critiques are super helpful. I'll rewrite that one paragraph for sure and after I finish more of the story maybe move some of the backstory to later portions, but honestly I was just making it up as I went and mentioning things as he was thinking about them. The next portion that I wrote has absolutely no back story at all in it, and is there any reason why I couldn't post it here? Also my story idea at this point is to have him raise the kid and eventually have him as his partner. When he tells him that he killed his parents and who they were it gets interesting with the kid deciding whether to kill him or not in vengeance and maybe making a gambit for reclaiming his inheritance. I should really probably come up with some names and stuff to keep everything straight. Also the kid will be a much more normal and somber, as compared to the assassins craziness and brilliance.

 

[Brian G Turner]

is there any reason why I couldn't post it here?

Technically, no. But think very carefully - you do not yet have a story.

Until you have that first draft complete, any feedback we provide can only be superficial, and never enough to help encourage you to make a story better-because you haven't yet written it.

 

[The Judge]

The next portion that I wrote has absolutely no back story at all in it, and is there any reason why I couldn't post it here?

If by "here" you mean in this specific thread, then no, not unless it's very short, as the 1500 word limit applies ie the two sections together must come in under 1500. However, if you wanted to revise this part one and post the revision, that can come here in this thread, provided it still comes within the limit.

But if by "here" you mean Critiques as a whole, then no problem, you can certainly post a second tranche in a separate thread, though we prefer that you leave a gap of two or three days before doing so, not least so that you can get as many comments as possible on this first part which you can use to strengthen your writing in the second. The only point I'd make is that we usually discourage people from putting up too much of any one story, and this goes double when it's only a short. If you're thinking of trying to get it published, then the publishers aren't likely to be too happy if the bulk of the story is already out there for everyone to read.

 

[Caledor]

Good points. I'm wanting to post the second portion mainly because it's so different, with some action and intrigue and I'm not sure if I have the mature story I want or a juvenile flash and glitter story with no meat. The character is definitely flashy, but I'm going to work on the story and try to put some strong conflicts and more worldbuilding into it and maybe post some more of the story later on (in a different thread). Thanks guys!

 

[tinkerdan]

Hi,
This is a good start.
But I would work it a bit.

There is nothing wrong with jumping into some back-story to start. Stephen King did that in Dead Zone. One quick reference paragraph and then a walk into the past with a flash back. You sort of have that; but don't because you turned it into just back story without the flash back. When you do that you throw away the hook which you might not need so desperately because some people would continue reading this. But look at Dead Zone: if you can sample on Amazon that would be enough. You'll get a sense of what I'm saying. He uses the back story to hook the reader and it tells us something about the main character.

My one quibble with your character is the f bomb. It's okay if a character has that affectation. I've run into a few people like that and usually avoid them.

I allow one good f bomb per novel and it has to be an important point that is being made. Like maybe the characters last dying word. You've used up five novels worth in this short space. Again; if that's the way your character thinks then so be it. I just think there are better ways of portraying a rough character of lower vocabulary. That's just me.

You've given your character one point for thinking before killing the baby. Not impressed by the chain of thoughts or the way that the deed is interrupted. The baby doesn't die here but it leaves nothing to the credit of this character. I think It'd be better if I was certain that he didn't do infants. As it is it's not clear that that's the case. If it turns out that he ends up somehow raising this child then there would have to be a more compelling reason for me as a reader to buy this other than the happenstance of a hasty decision.

There's enough of interest for the reader to go to the next page, but I caution that there is nothing here yet to indicate any more conflict or plot other than the possibility that this assassin might end up raising this child he'd intended to kill.

As a reader, if this assassin is the main protagonist, I'd be looking for some reason to be empathetic to the man enough to continue to find that he raises the child as he would his own son or however this might work out.

Keep writing.

 

[Idealect]

Apart from the background seeming a little crammed in, I liked it a lot. First off you think he's already killed the child, then that he's some kind of compassionate assassin, which he immediately corrects, then that he was surprised that there was a kid to kill, but he did it anyway with minimal qualms, then that he's regretting it, and on it continues as I try to get a handle on the character and the scene from his meandering thoughts.

And at the end of the scene you still don't know if he truly balked at killing the child or if he just hesitated long enough to be interrupted, or if he would have just gone ahead and killed the kid if he'd thought of a creatively neat way to do it. I love the way it'd done.

Also I like how the story about the guy tripping and falling on his own knife is implausible enough that it could be untrue. I wouldn't guess the character would just lie about it to the audience, but he seems disconnected/desperate/trauma-ed enough that he might have editorialised the memory (perhaps while the only thought he could get straight was that he warned him), or be holding onto a denial in the same vein. Whether or not that's what happened there's a strong enough tone and sense of character that I've start to build theories around it.



But the writing could be improved a lot. Unless I'm just not getting the voice, which I acknowledge as a serious possibility given the character's idiosyncrasy and having read only one page. But I'm a much more receptive voice-getter than published writing will average. It often reads like it was written getting ideas on paper rather than being carefully crafted.

You did say that you made it up as you went along but you asked in the OP if it was well written enough to be continued and maybe published so in responding to that I have to say there should definitely be a "gone over again with fresh eyes and edited" step in between.

In any case the ideas, way the scene moves, and other stuff I don't want to take the time to pin down- were more than enough for me to want to keep reading.


Also, imo you should establish parts of the voice more before using them in combination: I can't place "stupid ****ing pompous brats" at all because I'm not used to him using brats as his choice term of hate, I'm not used to an assassin saying "stupid", and I have very little context for why the people he's talking about are stupid, pompous, or brats, all of which are unusual word choice on their own, but exponentially so in an insult strongly felt enough to warrant 4 words. Way too much for me to absorb in one go.