Parallel to the Apprentice's Talent: "The Solar Alliance"

[Ray McCarthy]

I turned the car into the Oak Wood Arms Hotel. I guessed that the Americans, Bill Jones and Ed White might call it a Motel. There was no shortage of posher hotels in Clare and Limerick. But perhaps here we would have less attention. With luck the Russian Ana Bogaevskaia and German Greta Schott would be mistaken for Poles. These days even a black person was nearly as common as the Polish here. Of course Bill was American, not African. At the desk I didn't bother with my passport or ID. I'd warned the others to never produce it unless asked and use a driving licence in preference.
I sauntered to the desk pulling my wheelie case.
"John Williams," I said, "you have a booking?"
The small dark haired young woman looked at him and typed on the computer. "Yes, but it's for five, are the others outside or in the bar?"
"They will be along later, the men and women at separate times."
"Fill in the form please," she said setting down the 'key'. "Room 23."
"Are the rooms together?"
"No, is it important?" she asked.
"Probably not."
I assumed there was no bell boy or Porter unless I especially wanted one. At least there was no fake 'Have nice day' but certainly she wasn't piling on any of the famous Irish charm. I knew from my many trips that you often only got that as part of a tourist package. There were not many tourists in November. I was annoyed that I didn't actually know officially what flights the others would be on. The room was like any hotel room. I changed my polo and socks and freshened up. There only was one US flight due in, but of course they could be flying via Heathrow. I looked at the list of all flights for the day. It wasn't a long list. Shannon certainly was strategic and with capacity as logistics hub. One of the few airports used by Soviets and US Military during the cold war. It even had a Russian oil terminal and Antonov freight office. To many it might seem a strange place for the HQ of the Solar Alliance (though the holding company was in the Cayman Is. anyway), but very logical. Few of the Directorate or Operations Directors would be at the HQ no matter where it was. I went down to the bar and ordered coffee. At least this place was trivial to find and barely more than a few minutes drive from the airport.
Suddenly I started. I'd fallen asleep. Bill and Ed were standing laughing at me.
"You checked in?" I asked.
"Sure," drawled Bill. "She did want my Id and Passport and visa though. In case I was an illegal African apparently, she never asked Ed."
"I went first," explained Ed. "She's not talkative. Is the bar closed and only serving coffee?"
"Not at all," I explained, "a lot of bars and all of them in Hotel are like a combination of a cafe, restaurant and bar. You can have a full Irish Cooked breakfast all day as well as lunch or a full meal most of the day. I think too because it's a hotel the bar serves alcohol to residents when a normal bar is closed. But it's a few years since I was here and they vary on enforcement and the rules."
"I guess I'll try the Irish Black beer and a club sandwich," said Bill
"Murphy may be nicer than Guinness. There is also Beamish. Guinness is just the most common, but people here pretty much drink everything, it's not at all the Tourist Board Guinness and Whiskey."
I went with them to the bar. It was late. Totally dark outside.
"I guess the girls are not here yet?" asked Ed.
I shook my head. I ordered a Jameson and Club ginger as well as the sandwich.
The barman sounded Polish. "I'll bring over the sandwiches."
We were not long seated when Ana and Greta came in. Ana, though Russian looked like a tall blonde German or Scandinavian. Greta could have been from anywhere in Europe really and in comparison was a little nondescript, average height, medium length mousey hair, but looking a little athletic.
"Hi," I said, "how was the trip?"
"There's no service," said Bill, "You need to go to bar and order anything."
Ana and Greta sat. Ana shrugged "OK"
"Heathrow is madness," Greta exclaimed, "In comparison I thought Shannon had closed for the night! The people from our flight seemed to be the only in the whole place!"
As if to prove Bill wrong a young waitress came over and asked if they wanted anything. Or full A la Carte in the Restaurant.
"No, I will have a pint of the Guinness and the Club sandwich," said Ana.
"Me also," said Greta.
"Can we have more chips please?" said Ed.
"But you have no chips," said the girl.
"He means crisps," I explained.
"You can have chips too if you want," she said.
"She means 'french fries' except thicker than McDonalds," I explained.
"Some more crisps and two more pints, please," said Ed.
She scribbled on her pad and went off. After what seemed like a long delay to the Americans (as the place was almost empty) the barman brought over four pints.
"You don't drink it?" Ana asked me.
"No, I detest it. Lots of Irish people don't drink it. But don't let me put you off. It's better than that paint stripper in Russia."
Ana laughed. "Yes, you accuse Stolichnaya of having no flavour," she said. "Yet you adulterate your Whiskey with ginger soda."
She sipped the Guinness and wiped off the head from her mouth. "Yes, perhaps this has too much flavour."
"I think it's fine," said Greta, "at least like a proper German beer it's honest ingredients."
The girl brought a basket of crisps and two large bowls of chips as well as the club sandwiches which were curiously thicker than the earlier order.
"These are crisps and these are chips." she said. "You seemed a bit confused, perhaps with hunger. Room numbers?"
They gave their numbers. 29, 17,13, 19, 23.
"That's odd," remarked Greta.
"What?" said Bill
I realised and wondered.
"We have all consecutive prime numbers."
"Seems an unlikely coincidence," I agreed. "But then again the only reason we are here at all is that we are the only humans to return from visiting a Starship."
"That's oddly phrased," said Bill.
"How do we know who left?" I said. "We know about Mei Zhen Kelly, or Maisie Kelly as she seems to have preferred. Ray McCarthy says he's fairly sure the emails he has are from her, on Caemoria, she's in some sort of training college for people with special talents."
"You suggesting they could have taken other people?" said Greta.
"Would Ray know if they hadn't told him?" I said. "Would Maisie know, or tell us if she did?"
"We don't know exactly what Maisie has said," said Ana. "We rely on Ray McCarthy decrypting her message. The UN and SA seem unwilling to force him to give up the keys. Also why are we here, no other Cosmonauts are here."
"I'm pretty sure," I said, "that we are here because there are no other Astronauts here. Because we are the only ones back from the Alien ship. Notice that anyone with more than trival contact is here. Ray McCarthy is staying near here too. The people that met with the aliens in Geneva are now part of Solar Alliance and here also. The UN is completely out of the loop."
"So you think we are just here to cool our heels and do nothing?" said Ed.
"I do. I think we will get a ride on a Valkyrie, but it may be the last one leaving," I said.
"The Last One?" said Greta.
"They are not building one. It's a production line. Six will go to Caemoria. But they will keep building. Anything else would be worse for the world Economy. Already the economic disruption of the cheap Fusion power and synthetic LPG is disrupting the markets. Cleverly the big oil companies saw it and are major investors in the Solar Alliance Fusion Power division. But the Arabs, British and Venezuela are howling with collapse in oil and gas prices. The UK will join the Euro as a result."
"We can't just keep building Starships to keep people in jobs," said Bill.
Ana laughed. "You did it with the US Military for 60 years," she said, "It nearly bankrupted us keeping up. It's preferable to the Military budgets. You can always start recycling Nimitz Aircraft carriers if we get short of steel!"
Ana calmed as pair of older men came over. One was perhaps quite a bit older.
"John," said Ray, "this is Fred Brown, the Detective."

 

[tinkerdan]

sORRy BUT i nEED THIS FIxEd or IT wIll dRIvE ME bATTy.

With no spacing between paragraphs and everything left justified I keep looking for some sort of meter that isn't there.

 

[Ray McCarthy]

I turned the car into the Oak Wood Arms Hotel. I guessed that the Americans, Bill Jones and Ed White might call it a Motel. There was no shortage of posher hotels in Clare and Limerick. But perhaps here we would have less attention. With luck the Russian Ana Bogaevskaia and German Greta Schott would be mistaken for Poles. These days even a black person was nearly as common as the Polish here. Of course Bill was American, not African. At the desk I didn't bother with my passport or ID. I'd warned the others to never produce it unless asked and use a driving licence in preference.

I sauntered to the desk pulling my wheelie case.

"John Williams," I said, "you have a booking?"

The small dark haired young woman looked at him and typed on the computer. "Yes, but it's for five, are the others outside or in the bar?"

"They will be along later, the men and women at separate times."

"Fill in the form please," she said setting down the 'key'. "Room 23."

"Are the rooms together?"

"No, is it important?" she asked.

"Probably not."

I assumed there was no bell boy or Porter unless I especially wanted one. At least there was no fake 'Have nice day' but certainly she wasn't piling on any of the famous Irish charm. I knew from my many trips that you often only got that as part of a tourist package. There were not many tourists in November. I was annoyed that I didn't actually know officially what flights the others would be on. The room was like any hotel room. I changed my polo and socks and freshened up. There only was one US flight due in, but of course they could be flying via Heathrow. I looked at the list of all flights for the day. It wasn't a long list. Shannon certainly was strategic and with capacity as logistics hub. One of the few airports used by Soviets and US Military during the cold war. It even had a Russian oil terminal and Antonov freight office. To many it might seem a strange place for the HQ of the Solar Alliance (though the holding company was in the Cayman Is. anyway), but very logical. Few of the Directorate or Operations Directors would be at the HQ no matter where it was. I went down to the bar and ordered coffee. At least this place was trivial to find and barely more than a few minutes drive from the airport.

Suddenly I started. I'd fallen asleep. Bill and Ed were standing laughing at me.

"You checked in?" I asked.

"Sure," drawled Bill. "She did want my Id and Passport and visa though. In case I was an illegal African apparently, she never asked Ed."

"I went first," explained Ed. "She's not talkative. Is the bar closed and only serving coffee?"

"Not at all," I explained, "a lot of bars and all of them in Hotel are like a combination of a cafe, restaurant and bar. You can have a full Irish Cooked breakfast all day as well as lunch or a full meal most of the day. I think too because it's a hotel the bar serves alcohol to residents when a normal bar is closed. But it's a few years since I was here and they vary on enforcement and the rules."

"I guess I'll try the Irish Black beer and a club sandwich," said Bill.

"Murphy may be nicer than Guinness. There is also Beamish. Guinness is just the most common, but people here pretty much drink everything, it's not at all the Tourist Board Guinness and Whiskey."

I went with them to the bar. It was late. Totally dark outside.

"I guess the girls are not here yet?" asked Ed.

I shook my head. I ordered a Jameson and Club ginger as well as the sandwich.

The barman sounded Polish. "I'll bring over the sandwiches."

We were not long seated when Ana and Greta came in. Ana, though Russian looked like a tall blonde German or Scandinavian. Greta could have been from anywhere in Europe really and in comparison was a little nondescript, average height, medium length mousey hair, but looking a little athletic.

"Hi," I said, "how was the trip?"

"There's no service," said Bill, "You need to go to bar and order anything."

Ana and Greta sat. Ana shrugged "OK"

"Heathrow is madness," Greta exclaimed, "In comparison I thought Shannon had closed for the night! The people from our flight seemed to be the only in the whole place!"

As if to prove Bill wrong a young waitress came over and asked if they wanted anything. Or full A la Carte in the Restaurant.

"No, I will have a pint of the Guinness and the Club sandwich," said Ana.

"Me also," said Greta.

"Can we have more chips please?" said Ed.

"But you have no chips," said the girl.

"He means crisps," I explained.

"You can have chips too if you want," she said.

"She means 'french fries' except thicker than McDonalds," I explained.

"Some more crisps and two more pints, please," said Ed.

She scribbled on her pad and went off. After what seemed like a long delay to the Americans (as the place was almost empty) the barman brought over four pints.

"You don't drink it?" Ana asked me.

"No, I detest it. Lots of Irish people don't drink it. But don't let me put you off. It's better than that paint stripper in Russia."

Ana laughed. "Yes, you accuse Stolichnaya of having no flavour," she said. "Yet you adulterate your Whiskey with ginger soda."

She sipped the Guinness and wiped off the head from her mouth. "Yes, perhaps this has too much flavour."

"I think it's fine," said Greta, "at least like a proper German beer it's honest ingredients."

The girl brought a basket of crisps and two large bowls of chips as well as the club sandwiches which were curiously thicker than the earlier order.

"These are crisps and these are chips," she said. "You seemed a bit confused, perhaps with hunger. Room numbers?"

They gave their numbers. 29, 17,13, 19, 23.

"That's odd," remarked Greta.

"What?" said Bill

I realised and wondered.

"We have all consecutive prime numbers."

"Seems an unlikely coincidence," I agreed. "But then again the only reason we are here at all is that we are the only humans to return from visiting a Starship."

"That's oddly phrased," said Bill.

"How do we know who left?" I said. "We know about Mei Zhen Kelly, or Maisie Kelly as she seems to have preferred. Ray McCarthy says he's fairly sure the emails he has are from her, on Caemoria, she's in some sort of training college for people with special talents."

"You suggesting they could have taken other people?" said Greta.

"Would Ray know if they hadn't told him?" I said. "Would Maisie know, or tell us if she did?"

"We don't know exactly what Maisie has said," said Ana. "We rely on Ray McCarthy decrypting her message. The UN and SA seem unwilling to force him to give up the keys. Also why are we here, no other Cosmonauts are here."

"I'm pretty sure," I said, "that we are here because there are no other Astronauts here. Because we are the only ones back from the Alien ship. Notice that anyone with more than trival contact is here. Ray McCarthy is staying near here too. The people that met with the aliens in Geneva are now part of Solar Alliance and here also. The UN is completely out of the loop."

"So you think we are just here to cool our heels and do nothing?" said Ed.

"I do. I think we will get a ride on a Valkyrie, but it may be the last one leaving," I said.

"The Last One?" said Greta.

"They are not building one. It's a production line. Six will go to Caemoria. But they will keep building. Anything else would be worse for the world Economy. Already the economic disruption of the cheap Fusion power and synthetic LPG is disrupting the markets. Cleverly the big oil companies saw it and are major investors in the Solar Alliance Fusion Power division. But the Arabs, British and Venezuela are howling with collapse in oil and gas prices. The UK will join the Euro as a result."

"We can't just keep building Starships to keep people in jobs," said Bill.

Ana laughed. "You did it with the US Military for 60 years," she said, "It nearly bankrupted us keeping up. It's preferable to the Military budgets. You can always start recycling Nimitz Aircraft carriers if we get short of steel!"

Ana calmed as pair of older men came over. One was perhaps quite a bit older.
"John," said Ray, "this is Fred Brown, the Detective."

 

[Ray McCarthy]

All I can do really is add a extra newline at each paragraph.

I have the "The Apprentice's Talent" on 7th revision and the now complete "The Journeyman's Talent" on 3rd revision. Both about 110K words. Originally I conceived of this book as being a parallel separate story to "The Apprentice's Talent", "The Journeyman's Talent" and "The Master's Talent". But I might put it in as interleaved chapters. I'll see how it looks (comments?). Above is the start of the opening Chapter (about 1487 words) and is about a month or two past the time Maisie arrives at the Circle College in Caemoria (about 80 thousand light years away). The Apprentice's talent explains (obliquely) how Earth is able to copy the Alien Jump Drive (and why they can't copy the Fusion power source). With the knowledge that there really is a massive Alien Culture out there, Earth diverts military spending and skips two cautious iterations of Fusion Tokamak (ITER and DEMO). The setting is either today (or near end of 20th Century, so since we DIDN'T get an Alien visitor obviously this a sort of alternate history or reality. At least I think we didn't.).

The Apprentice's Talent is a lot re-written since the opening pasted here a few months ago.

 

[Brian G Turner]

I'd personally like to see more directness in the text. For example, what is the purpose of the first paragraph? To create a sense of tension about being discovered? Or to meander about the perceived ethnicities of some of the party? The latter I found distracting - especially as it seems unlikely that a black American might be considered to be African in a hospitality setting - the accent will give that, so that consideration seems irrelevant on its own.

And then the character tells the others not to show ID, only driving licences - but isn't the latter one of the former? And why? I feel like you sometimes forget the purpose of a section, try to overlay details, and end up smothering your original aim.

This happens again when the women arrive - rather than tell us how something is, you tell us how something may be, may not be - but it doesn't matter as she's non-descript anyway.

Then we have a lot of dialogue, some of it is character-building, and some of it raises interesting points. But the parts that are important feel drowned out - to me - by what is irrelevant.

IMO this all significantly weakens your narrative, and what could have an atmosphere of tension or mystery with stakes, ends up...as a relaxing ordinariness. I think it would help to focus a little more on what you're trying to achieve in this scene in terms of tension and atmosphere, and bring that more to the fore. Because someone booking in a hotel is not intrinsically interesting, unless there's an underlying reason why it might be - and the latter has to be perfectly clear to the reader.

That aside, there is quite a lot of interest in the text - culture clash, a vague sense of subterfuge, the coincidence with the room numbers, references to the Russian past, and the context of spaceships. But IMO you would have such a stronger text if you tightened it more to keep these in focus, and give a reason why the reader might find their connection interesting - what's at stake?! - rather than presume they'll be patient enough for you to eventually get to that point.

 

[Ray McCarthy]

especially as it seems unlikely that a black American might be considered to be African in a hospitality setting

He'd be assumed to be African till he talks... maybe even after for a while. Things have really changed here. Also it's more a place that locals go, not a tourist hotel. Actually many of the Black Africans I know here are more like White Americans than Stereotypical POC slang using Black ones.

I decided to set the Logistics Hub, Engineering HQ and main HQ of the "Solar Alliance" in Shannon for two reasons. One is it actually would be logical. The other is I know it intimately. It would be much harder if it was set anywhere else. Where else would the Chinese, Russians, Europeans (Mix of EU, ESA nations, CNES and Arianespace) and Americans agree on anyway?

I need to make the ID thing clearer:
If you are white and speak with a British or European accent you'd not get asked for it. Many people here now assume anyone white with funny accent is Polish (though the most common with now even Polish/English signs in some areas and Polish shops and Polish Sections in Local and Tesco, there seem to be plenty of Latvians and Lithuanians).
I have American, Africans (Black & White), German married into my family.

Americans, Russians and Africans need a Visa to work here. EU citizens don't even need a Passport to be here or work in Ireland. Unlike some countries there is no mandatory ID in Ireland for citizens. Due to Insurance cost quite a few young adults may not even have Driving licences.

You are quite correct, Brian, I do need to focus it more. Openings are hardest to get right. I just read Charlotte Brontë's Villette and I nearly gave up at page 48. Nothing really seemed to be happening. The Story gets into gear about page 50 and of course by weird co-incidence even though Lucy Snowe is in a different country almost everything in first 40 pages becomes relevant.

I recommend Villette for anyone, like me, struggling to write what a character is thinking. Nearly the entire book comes across as Lucy's thoughts. Even the dialogue and narration. How much of it is the real Charlotte Brontë? "Who is Lucy Snowe" a character asks more than once. She's not answered.

 

[alchemist]

Hi Ray. I haven't read any of your other stuff, so I'm fresh to this.

I turned the car into the Oak Wood Arms Hotel. I guessed that the Americans, Bill Jones and Ed White might call it a Motel. There was no shortage of posher hotels in Clare and Limerick. I'd join these sentences But perhaps here we would have less attention. With luck the Russian Ana Bogaevskaia and German Greta Schott would be mistaken for Poles. These days even a black person was nearly as common as the Polish here. the full names and nationalities here seems a bit clunky. It would probably be more natural to mention these details when we meet the characters Of course Bill was American, not African. At the desk I didn't bother with my passport or ID. I'd warned the others to never produce it unless asked and use a driving licence in preference.

I sauntered to the desk add comma? pulling my wheelie case.

this dialogue would go better with the previous paragraph, since its the same character "John Williams," I said, "you have a booking?"

The small dark haired young woman looked at him me and typed on the computer. "Yes, but it's for five, new sentence are the others outside or in the bar?"

"They will be along later, the men and women at separate times."

"Fill in the form please," she said comma setting down the 'key'. "Room 23."

"Are the rooms together?"

"No, is it important?" she asked.

"Probably not."
this dialogue hasn't really added anything (that I can yet see)

I assumed there was no bell boy or Porter unless I especially wanted one. At least there was no fake 'Have a nice day' but certainly she wasn't piling on any of the famous Irish charm. I knew from my many trips that you often only got that as part of a tourist package. There were not many tourists in November. I was annoyed that I didn't actually know officially what flights the others would be on this sentence seems out of place in this paragraph. It doesn't follow from or lead to either of the sentences around it. The room was like any hotel room. I changed my polo and socks and freshened up. There only was one US flight due in, but of course they could be flying via Heathrow. I looked at the list of all flights for the day. It wasn't a long list. Shannon certainly was strategic and with capacity as logistics hub. One of the few airports used by Soviets and US Military during the cold war. It even had a Russian oil terminal and Antonov freight office. To many it might seem a strange place for the HQ of the Solar Alliance (though the holding company was in the Cayman Is. anyway), but very logical. Few of the Directorate or Operations Directors would be at the HQ no matter where it was probably the wrong place for this detail. It's slowing things down - we need to see the character doing things. I went down to the bar and ordered coffee. At least this place was trivial ?? easy? to find and barely more than a few minutes drive from the airport.

Suddenly I started. I'd fallen asleep. Bill and Ed were standing laughing at me.

"You checked in?" I asked.

"Sure," drawled Bill. "She did want my Id ID; otherwise it's a part of his psyche and Passport and visa though. In case I was an illegal African apparently, she never asked Ed."

"I went first," explained Ed. "She's not talkative. Is the bar closed and only serving coffee?"

"Not at all," I explained, "a lot of bars and all of them in Hotel hotels are like a combination of a cafe, restaurant and bar. You can have a full Irish Cooked breakfast all day as well as lunch or a full meal most of the day. I think too because it's a hotel the bar serves alcohol to residents when a normal bar is closed. But it's a few years since I was here and they vary on enforcement and the rules."

"I guess I'll try the Irish Black beer and a club sandwich," said Bill.

"Murphy may be nicer than Guinness. There is also Beamish. Guinness is just the most common, but people here pretty much drink everything, it's not at all the Tourist Board Guinness and Whiskey." it's like a tourist review here. Needs more urgency

I went with them to the bar. It was late. Totally dark outside.

"I guess the girls are not here yet?" asked Ed.

I shook my head. I ordered a Jameson and Club ginger as well as the sandwich.

The barman sounded Polish. "I'll bring over the sandwiches."

We were not long seated when Ana and Greta came in. Ana, though Russian looked like a tall blonde German or Scandinavian. Greta could have been from anywhere in Europe really and in comparison was a little nondescript, average height, medium length mousey hair, but looking a little athletic. this is better. You didn't need the nationalities earlier

"Hi," I said, "how was the trip?"

"There's no service," said Bill, "You need to go to the bar and to order anything."

Ana and Greta sat. Ana shrugged "OK" quite staccato. Could be e.g. Ana shrugged as if to say "okay" as both women sat.

"Heathrow is madness," Greta exclaimed, full stop "In comparison I thought Shannon had closed for the night! The people from our flight seemed to be the only ones in the whole place!"

As if to prove Bill wrong a young waitress came over and asked if they wanted anything. Or full A la Carte in the Restaurant.

"No, I will have a pint of the Guinness and the Club sandwich," said Ana.

"Me also," said Greta.

"Can we have more chips please?" said Ed.

"But you have no chips," said the girl.

"He means crisps," I explained.

"You can have chips too if you want," she said.

"She means 'french fries' except thicker than McDonalds," I explained.

"Some more crisps and two more pints, please," said Ed. all this doesn't seem to have a purpose in the story

She scribbled on her pad and went off. After what seemed like a long delay to the Americans (as the place was almost empty) the barman brought over four pints.

"You don't drink it?" Ana asked me.

"No, I detest it. Lots of Irish people don't drink it. But don't let me put you off. It's better than that paint stripper in Russia."

Ana laughed. "Yes, you accuse Stolichnaya of having no flavour," she said. "Yet you adulterate your Whiskey with ginger soda."

She sipped the Guinness and wiped off the head from her mouth. "Yes, perhaps this has too much flavour."

"I think it's fine," said Greta, "at least like a proper German beer it's honest ingredients." I know you're emphasising cultural differences, but I'm still waiting for the story

The girl brought a basket of crisps and two large bowls of chips as well as the club sandwiches which were curiously thicker than the earlier order.

"These are crisps and these are chips," she said. "You seemed a bit confused, perhaps with hunger. Room numbers?"

They gave their numbers. 29, 17,13, 19, 23.

"That's odd," remarked Greta.

"What?" said Bill

I realised and wondered.

"We have all consecutive prime numbers."

"Seems an unlikely coincidence," I agreed. "But then again the only reason we are here at all is that we are the only humans to return from visiting a Starship."

"That's oddly phrased," said Bill.

"How do we know who left?" I said. "We know about Mei Zhen Kelly, or Maisie Kelly as she seems to have preferred. Ray McCarthy says he's fairly sure the emails he has are from her, on Caemoria, new sentence she's in some sort of training college for people with special talents."

"You suggesting they could have taken other people?" said Greta.

"Would Ray know if they hadn't told him?" I said. "Would Maisie know, or tell us if she did?"

"We don't know exactly what Maisie has said," said Ana. "We rely on Ray McCarthy decrypting her message. The UN and SA seem unwilling to force him to give up the keys. Also why are we here, no other Cosmonauts are here."

"I'm pretty sure," I said, "that we are here because there are no other Astronauts here. Because we are the only ones back from the Alien ship. Notice that anyone with more than trival contact is here. Ray McCarthy is staying near here too. The people that met with the aliens in Geneva are now part of Solar Alliance and here also. The UN is completely out of the loop." not understanding this, but that's okay and to be expected

"So you think we are just here to cool our heels and do nothing?" said Ed.

"I do. I think we will get a ride on a Valkyrie, but it may be the last one leaving," I said.

"The Last One?" said Greta.

"They are not building one. It's a production line. Six will go to Caemoria. But they will keep building. Anything else would be worse for the world Economy. Already the economic disruption of the cheap Fusion power and synthetic LPG is disrupting the markets. Cleverly the big oil companies saw it and are major investors in the Solar Alliance Fusion Power division. But the Arabs, British and Venezuela are howling with collapse in oil and gas prices. The UK will join the Euro as a result."

"We can't just keep building Starships to keep people in jobs," said Bill.

Ana laughed. "You did it with the US Military for 60 years," she said, "It nearly bankrupted us keeping up. It's preferable to the Military budgets. You can always start recycling Nimitz Aircraft carriers if we get short of steel!"

Ana calmed as a pair of older men came over. One was perhaps quite a bit older.
"John," said Ray, "this is Fred Brown, the Detective."


Overall, I think it needs to get to the meat earlier. The detail on the food etc seems irrelevant, but the background story looks intriguing. Hope that helps; feel free to ignore

 

[Ray McCarthy]

I wrote this in 3rd person and then very late last night changed it to 1st person. I had hoped to start it 3 weeks ago but found I needed very much more research. The above extract was minutes after I wrote about 2,500 words last night. I was thinking of starting on Monday ... The day before I wrote a full Board meeting of the Operational Directors, Deputies, Directorate with the five here and Ray McCarthy present (Obviously I'm not really Ray McCarthy, it's my pen name). But I quickly realised a very bad passage as an introduction.

All comments greatly appreciated. Likely I'll non-sequentially write it all, skipping some bits, review on Kindle, expand the missing bits. Review again and fix just typos / grammar / spelling / punctuation. Then get one person to read it, then rewrite. Then share out to all my readers.

But the major decision is if to have it as a separate parallel book or "fold it" into the other two books. I do have a time scale problem I need to solve. "The Apprentice Talent" and "The Journeyman's Talent" from point when Maisie leaves Earth (and the Alien Starship has rather disrupted everything!) is hardly more than 2.5 to 3 years. But the fleet of six "Solar Alliance" Valkyries will take over 5 years to get to Caemoria (Pathetic Ion Drive, Rubbish Fusion Generators and limited Jump distance for various reasons compared to Aliens who have "Talent" and 3,000 years of Starship building experience). Perhaps I can have the Aliens intercept the Valkyries en-route. Also of course three Alien Homeworlds will have Starships arrive at Earth just after the first Valkyrie heads to deep space to jump (You need to be about 15 to 20 light days from Star to engage the Jump Drive).

The original Alien visitors left a Messaging relay in deep space. The Round Trip time of reply is nearly a month. So there is already communication with the "Self styled Galactic Council" and Maisie though Caemoria is about 80,000 light years away.

Start of earlier book "The Apprentice's Talent" (now rewritten a lot) http://www.sffchronicles.com/threads/549411/