Impossible (550ish words) - Short story opening

[Mr Orange]

This is, or will be, a short story. The below is the first 550 words of what will be about 2000-3000 (I think).

It hasn't been polished so no doubt there will be some grammatical errors, but I'm mainly wondering about the voice and how it reads as a whole.

"Impossible" is a working title.

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Right, ironically we don’t have much time, so listen up. Take the big coils and set them down over there. I’ll tell you what to do with them later. You’ll need those boots on. A bit big for you, I know, but the soles are solid temporal ceramic and, believe me, you’re going to want to be insulated from the ground.

So, there are three things you need to know about travelling.

Firstly, it exists. I know you still don’t believe me but you will once we get you suited up and flip the switch. This all works, and right now there are 37, no, 36 people that can do it. Of course, right now isn't quite the correct term.

Pass me the pack over there. No not that one, the one that looks a bit like a diving tank. With the adjustment in the straps it should fit. You’ll need the tesla suit on first though. The cells in the pack take 2 hours to charge, so you’re wherever and whenever you end up for at least that long. Remember that.

The pack is where the magic happens. Whatever’s inside it is what lets us travel. It’ll get warm, but if it ever gets too hot to touch, then, well, it’s had it. You’ll get one more trip out of it, so head home, hang it up and forget about it. No matter what you do, do not try to open it. They cannot be fixed. That 37th guy, Polish, good with his hands; well he tried to fix his, get a few more trips out of it… God only knows when he is now.

Second thing about travelling is, there are some things you can’t change. Don’t get me wrong, you can have a lot of fun and mess around with a lot of people, but there are some things it’s just impossible to screw with. Some people call it cosmic destiny, some timeline solidity, most just accept it for what it is; the universe maintains certain timelines no matter what.

Okay so see that wristwatch, looks a bit like a skydiver’s altimeter with three dials? That plugs into the pack like so, don’t worry about the humming, that’s normal. This dial is your temporal site dial. The other two are physical site dials.

What? Yeah, it’s latitude and longitude – you’ll need to study up on that if you don’t want to spend the Beatles first concert in a Scottish fisherman’s hut. And believe me, you don’t.

No, there’s no dial for returning, you just hit the green button. Which brings me to the third important point; you always go back. You have to go back. You might traipse around time for years but eventually you’ll end up back in your own timeline, at the right time and place, exactly where the universe wants you. So you can spend a couple of years in post-revolution France enjoying the liberté, free wine and even freer mademoiselles… I can recommend that actually… But when you travel again, you will have to go back to your own timeline first, to two years after you left, with everyone wondering where the hell you’ve been and why you now sound comically French. Long story short, it’s much easier to take short trips that won’t be noticed.

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[Brian G Turner]

The voice appeals, though at times it feels a little too much about the explanation of the meta-physics of time travel, rather than the practical process - I generally found this piece interesting. Perhaps a couple of places where the pace could be upped to maintain momentum.

My only big gripe was the opening sentence:

Right, ironically we don’t have much time, so listen up.

The bit I've bolded is the imported part - 5 words. But you have 5 other words that modify that. I appreciate the use of voice and irony, but even still "Right, ironically..." feels like a stumble at opening for me.

 

[HareBrain]

The voice is fine, but I'm afraid it lacked interest for me. I couldn't really see where the story was -- it was like a sci-fi version of someone being briefed for his first scuba dive or something, and the sci-fi-ness alone wasn't enough (though I guess for some people it might be).

I also wasn't sure who the main character is, the instructor or the instructee. I'm assuming the former, and that this is a monologue like those old ones by Joyce Grenfell, in which case I think you need to hurry it up to the point where things start to happen (and go wrong, as I assume they will). And I think you need to make sure the reader identifies with the instructor rather than with the instructee -- at the moment, I think the tendency would be for the reader to feel they are being directly addressed by the instructor. So I'd try giving the instructor more personality, to root the story more in him, and have the instructor use the instructee's name so it doesn't feel like he's directly addressing the reader.

If the instructee is intended to be the main character, like in a choose your own adventure story, I'm not sure how that can work with the setup you've got.

Hope that's helpful. You've taken on a real challenge here and I'd be interested to know what you have planned for it.

 

[J Riff]

Roit, I run into this 1st person, no-quotes situation, and it is very dodgy. Are you going to keep the main character voice talking constantly till the end? If not, quotes make sense.
The Beatles concert remark could confuse the non-elderly hahahha, also you have to write numbers out, thirty-six etc. in case you forgot or just hadn't gotten around to it yet.

 

[Mr Orange]

cheers for the replies guys.

brian, i agree about the first line - i will need to tidy that up.

harebrain, i did kind of write it with the instructor instructing the reader. just kind of the way it ended up. im also interested to know what i have planned for it...

j riff, no quites, it will be a monologue, and i was being lazy with the numbers.

basically i started writing this as i could not write my main WIP's as i accidentally sent them on a worldwide sea cruise so i was trying to keep writing and had this idea... problem is now it's turning into a monologue in which possibly nothing actually happens, so i was trying to see if the voice is okay and then i could work on the lack of action.

 

[HareBrain]

harebrain, i did kind of write it with the instructor instructing the reader.

The problem there is that the reader isn't going to do anything to drive the story. If you're not familiar with the old Joyce Grenfell schoolteacher monologues, I'd look one up as a model. Like yours, there's only her voice, but she's mainly reacting to what the kids are doing. I think the actions in yours could be driven by the instructor having to deal with what his student is doing. What if the student presses the wrong button, or too soon, or whatever? (This would probably only work if you're going for comedy.)

 

[J Riff]

Yes, there are monlogues that are excellent. But, this this starts off with the 1st person character talking directly to the reader, giving orders in fact, locking in the tense, and forcing the reader to assume a role, which lasts about two paragraphs before it starts to grate.
If you are shooting for a decent length on this, a narrator could introduce the MC in a couple of sentences, changing the perspective and taking the reader out of the narrative. The reader doesn't get to respond, anyway. The MC simply talks far too much. Anyone yammering on for a thousand words or more, is hogging the text. Nobody talks this much, not even the guy ranting away in the coffeeshop here as I type this.

 

[Kerrybuchanan]

Contrary to the above, I really liked this. I found the voice amusing and I hadn't got bored of it before the end. Having said that I think a whole piece like that would be too much, so maybe you could shorten it a little, have it as an introduction and then get into some exciting story where the trainee's pack heats up on his/her first trip and leaves him stranded.

Another thought: you could write the rest of the story and intersperse it with bits of the above monologue where the trainee remembers all the things he should have thought of before he made the mistakes that led to his adventure.

I hope you do something with this because it made me smile, and in the depths of NaNoWriMo, very little manages to do that!

 

[tinkerdan]

Works for me. And if it will only be 2 to 3k then it wouldn't have much time to grate on the nerves. Any longer and I might be inclined to want something to break it up a bit.

 

[TØny Hine]

Very good. I want to know what happened to the Polish guy!

 

[Mr Orange]

cheers for the encouragement guys. think i'll plod on with this and see what i get...

 

[Bowler1]

Interesting voice Mr Orange and right now I'd say an interesting experiment too. I liked it but I'm not sure if I could take a whole story this way. I thought it was well handled, even with only one side of a conversation I could keep up and understand what was happening, so good stuff.

 

[Dan Jones]

Here are my few thoughts:

Right, ironically, we don’t have much time, so listen up. Agree with Brian. It has almost a great opening line. Openings should grab you by the jaffers, as Alan would say, and I think this would do that if you remove the first two words. "We don't have much time, so listen up," is much more urgent.

So, there are three things you need to know about travelling. Might just be a personal bugbear but sentences starting with "So" grate terribly. It makes it sound like somebody's Facebook post. I'd get rid of it.

What? Yeah, it’s latitude and longitude – you’ll need to study up on that if you don’t want to spend the Beatles first concert in a Scottish fisherman’s hut. And believe me, you don’t. The "What? Yeah" hints at dialogue that isn't there. I'd remove them and continue with the paragraph from before.

You said that you're going to do a grammar and punctuation check so I won't pick up that stuff.

But pace is good, it feels urgent, the premise is exciting (though I wouldn't spend too long on the background stuff, I'd get to the drama pronto) and the character voice is good.

I like it!

 

[Mr Orange]

Cheers for those last two comments, this has now run it's course and has ended up as a 1200 word piece which I am about to post in critiques, in its entirety.so have a read and see what you think!

 

[barrett1987]

This is different. But its also good. I think you need to delete the first word, Right, then that line is a lot stronger/hooky.

I don't think this will work as a style beyond a few k words but as a short story? Sure. The voice is good. The subject is interesting but like the others have said if you are to extend this beyond what you've got then you need something to happen. Or something to have happened. If ya catch my drift.

 

[Michael F]

Really liked it.

One sentence jarred initially. I think I know what you are trying do with that sentence but it still 'hangs' a little for me.

'gets too hot to touch, then, well, it’s had it.'

 

[Michael F]

Just read a few of the other quotes again.

I think there is already a lot 'happening'. I dont see the voice as in any way 'limiting'.

I am only a novice though

 

[Sedgwick]

Hi Mr Orange. Well done for putting it out there and opening yourself up to criticism then taking it well. I have a few pointers - just my opinion like everyone else's and I'm only qualified in so much as I read constantly and have written a 120,000 word sci-fi novel which I thoroughly enjoyed.

Anyway, here are my keys points:

• On the plus side I get a sense of character just from his style of speech in absence of any description. I have already formed a mental image of this somewhat bossy, jobs-worth of competence-type personality.
• Although I appreciate the short sentences are the character's way of speaking, I do find them staccato and rather jerky to read if you take my point.
• I'd say that if the 500-odd words constitutes 18-25% of the short story then either the story development pace needs picking up or the story neds lengthening. Otherwise I fear you may reach 2000 or 3000 words and nothing much will have happened.

Be interested to read the final piece. Good luck

 

[Mr Orange]

Cheers for the comments guys. The whole thing is up on critiques now so have a look and let me know what you think