When Your Protagonist Thinks Something....

[The Bloated One]

Hi Everyone,

Looking for suggestions for showing internal speech. My protagonist, Tarquin, a 13 year old boy is queuing in a village post office and I want the reader to hear his thoughts, but not the person in the queue ahead of him. I am trying to give the reader information very early in my draft novel without it being too obvious an info dump.

Your thoughts are appreciated!

TBO

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“That’s it!” exclaimed Mrs Harbinkle, jabbing a finger at her husband, “They’re off to the petting farm!” Murmurs of approval and the flexing of aged muscle wobbled slowly through the Post Office queue.

Tarquin shuffled his feet. He had a party to go to. Looking down the queue in front of him, he could see that he wasn’t going anywhere fast, so reached for the small gold cricket bat on a chain around his neck and looked out of the window. A raven, its wings thrashing wildly in the bright sky whirled past.

“Blast you, Father,” mumbled Tarquin, causing Mr Ricketts who was standing in front of him to turn and glare,

“Sorry,” said Tarquin, apologetically.

“But, hey! My parents left me two years ago, and it really gets to me sometimes. It’s not easy being an orphan and having to live in this god forsaken village with elderly relatives!”

Tarquin looked back out of the window and smiled at his cowardice – he rarely had the courage to say what he was thinking, especially in a public place, and today was no exception.

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[The Judge]

If these are internal thoughts, is there a reason you don't just italicise them and drop the quotation marks, which is the standard way of dealing with them? eg:

“Sorry,” said Tarquin. [apologetically.] [not needed] But, hey! My parents left me two years ago, and it really gets to me sometimes. It’s not easy being an orphan and having to live in this God-forsaken [assuming this is in a monotheistic society as ours is] village with elderly relatives!

He [Tarquin] looked back out of the window and smiled [smiled? really? wouldn't he be annoyed?] at his cowardice

I couldn't understand why he comes out with this "But, hey!" line, however it's written, as it doesn't seem to follow on from what's happening. And... um... despite your best intentions, frankly it is an info-dump and stands out as one, at least to my eyes. I'd suggest you play around a bit with it, trying to make it sound more natural and something he would really think at that time, not something you need him to think to give information to the reader.


EDIT: I forgot when one quotes, everything is put into italics, so you can't see the difference! Here:

“Sorry,” said Tarquin. But, hey! My parents left me two years ago, and it really gets to me sometimes. It’s not easy being an orphan and having to live in this God-forsaken village with elderly relatives!

 

[The Bloated One]

Thanks Judge, will work on it.

TBO

 

[Victoria Silverwolf]

Another way to do this is through narration.

"Sorry," said Tarquin. His parents had left him two years ago, and it really got to hime sometimes. It wasn't easy being an orphan and having to live in this God-forsaken village with elderly relatives.

 

[Dan Jones]

I know you said you want to get the point across through internal monologue, but you could always plump for dialogue with another dcharacter if you're stuck.

And it does seem a little "tell-not-show" at present. Is there a way that we could find out about his orphan situation without it being 'info-dumped' on us? Does Mr Ricketts (they seem to know each other at least a little bit) say something to prompt the information more naturally?

 

[tinkerdan]

Getting into the mind of a 13 year old[Shivers with chills down to the bones].
I'm with The Judge Italics work well for emphasizing internal thoughts.

 

[ctg]

TBO there's two ways to solve this problem. Either you use italics and expose character internal thoughts or you start adding more monologue inside the prose. I just don't see what is your problem on accepting that your prose flows beautifully. Tarquin flows with the story naturally. He might get stuck with his thoughts sometimes as anyone can, but neither you or him get stuck completely, or that your characters doesn't convey the action and their feelings cos they do.

Trust me. You're developing his voice as much you're developing your author voice. So keep practising and start trusting yourself. You can do this. His world is ready, and in order to get it right, I would highly recommend you teaming up with a graphics artist. Someone, who can add to your story just like Mr Gaiman does in his books.

Tarquin should have a lot of audience with the young readers. And more in the young adults and those who want likes the way you describe to the world around you. Look at Douglas Adams for example. His prose is out from there but so is yours. That world you have created is only parallel to ones like what Sir Pratchett has created, and even him sometimes broke all the rules to achieve success to his baby - The Disk-world.

 

[sahlmi]

Personally, I feel the problem was solved with V. Silverwolf's comment.
Internal monolog, no need for italics, characterization, voice, information that's not dumped--all in one.

 

[The Bloated One]

Thanks to everyone for your views and comments.

I think, a little bit of dialogue, and narration may get my points across. I can have Tarquin interact with Mr Rickett's and then again with the Post Master when he reaches the front of the queue. Adding narration inbetween.

CTG, one day, one day!!

TBO