Lavender

[Robert E. Parkin]

I'm embarking on a side project. I've learned my main work isn't really cut out for the YA genre, which is why I decided to write another story, vastly different from my current style that would fit the mold more for YA. It will be a Sci-Fi YA, but the Sci-Fi elements will be very limited as it will be more of a story of prejudice than anything else. I like stringing a mystery in all my work so there will be a lot of that to come. I wrote the Prologue and first chapter today, but felt like throwing up the Prologue to see what people think. I like being vague in my openings to my story, creating intrigue, and getting the gears turning. The Prologue is designed to be fast, and quick, getting you to wonder what it means, while leading you into the first chapter with a lot of questions you want to get answers to. Well, I talked enough, here is the first draft of the Prologue to my new series:

"Lavender" - PROLOGUE

“Please father! You can’t do this!”

A monstrous man glared down at his son. “Silence, you ignorant fool!”

The man struck his son so hard that everyone viewing the intense scene thought he had broken the boy’s jaw. Several servants even let slip a gasp as they stood in a large parlor room.

“I will not hear a word! How dare you soil our family with this wench!” He pointed his large finger over to a lone woman being held by to armed guards. The woman was crying.

The son rose to his feet, wiping away the blood coming down his mouth. He spat what accumulated in his mouth before his father. Rage boiled like hot embers within him.

“You were the one that did this! Why!? Why won’t you accept her?!”

The father’s face contorted. “She gave birth to that spawn. A spawn that was given your genes, our family's genes. You brought this upon yourself.”

The son rushed his father, grabbing hold of his collar. “It was you who decided to play God! Wasn’t it you who said, ‘We will remove the “impurities” to preserve our family's integrity’! You turned our child into the “spawn” you arrogant psychopath!”

Three guards rushed the son, pinning him to the ground. He struggled beneath the men, trying to break free. He wanted nothing more than to see his father’s face buried into the ground.

“Please stop David! Please, don’t hurt him!” cried the woman from behind.

An elegantly dressed woman stepped out alongside the powerful man standing before his son. Her dazzling beauty was quickly counteracted by the horrid look of disdain smeared over her face.

“Be quiet trash. My husband is disciplining our disobedient son. You have no say in this matter. Be so kind and, shut your trap.” The woman’s words vibrated with fury.

David pushed his head up to gaze up at his parents with contempt. “Don’t speak to her like that!”

David’s mother laughed. “Your twenty years too early to be giving orders. Not even out of college and you think you run the family. So cute,” she said smugly as she waved her hand dismissively.

David clenched his fist. “I swear, I will never forgive-”

The cries of a baby echoed through the vast halls of David’s parents estate, drawing everyone’s attention. The cries appeared to swirl and churn around them. For David, all he could feel was guilt. He couldn't even look at the woman to his right. He knew her tears would never stop.

“Let’s end this,” came the dark words of David’s father.

The guards pulled him to his feet, holding David before his father and mother. The rest of the estates employees and help only watched like stone statues as the Master of the house came deadly close to David.

“You will never speak of this. You never had a child. You don’t know this woman.” He pointed powerfully at the helpless woman in tears. “Everything that has happened, will be forgotten, and the stain you brought on the family name of Nightshade, will be removed.”

David glared up at his father. “You’re a monster.”

The father towered over his son. His eyes danced with a mixture of fury and superiority.

“No my son, your daughter is a monster. Don’t worry though. We will insure she is well taken care of.” His gaze fell to the poor woman still being held back by the guards.

“This is my mercy. Take your spawn, and we will see to your disappearance.”

The woman’s eyes quivered as her knees gave out. The colossal force before her was anything but merciful. She saw in his eyes the desire to obliterate. He looked down upon her like some insect, a disgrace to the human race. She felt hopeless and lost . . . until she heard the cries of her child once more.

David’s mother cringed. “Just get that thing out of my house! I can’t stand to hear its insufferable wailing anymore.”

With a wave of his hand, David’s father had the guards drag him away. The two guards holding the woman followed suite but took her in a different direction.

David looked back, clenching his fist at how powerless and spineless he was.

I’m sorry Claire . . .

All he could hear for the rest of the night were the cries of his child. To him, the cries sounded more like screams.
_____________________________________________________________________

Thanks in advance for any and all feedback.

 

[Hex]

Hi Robert,

We allow posts of up to 1,500 words in Critiques. Here is the rule in question (from the stickied rules thread at the top of the Crits board):

Please do not post long excerpts - between eight hundred (800) and twelve hundred (1200) words is best, and posts over fifteen hundred (1500) words in length will be closed. The longer the excerpt, the less likely it is that people will take the time to read and comment on your work. It's also best not to post long excerpts or full short stories if you are considering submitting them for publication in the future. Most publishers will look unfavourably upon work that has already appeared in substantial part or in total on the Internet. If you are keen to have a longer piece critiqued, devide it into smaller excerpts and post them individually, allowing sufficient time inbetween for critiquers to read and comment on your piece - a few days at least is best.

No time to crit this morning, I'm afraid, but I think there are some tweaks that would make the piece stronger. e.g.

“Silence you ignorant fool!”

ought to have a comma before "you", so: "Silence, you ignorant fool!", and that's generally true when someone addresses someone else. e.g. "Be quiet, trash." "You turned our child into spawn, you arrogant psychopath." etc.

Also, be careful of the difference between "your" (possessive -- e.g. your car, your piece in Critiques) and "you're" (="you are" -- e.g. "You're running too quickly, you'll fall" or "You're twenty years too late."). Also, maybe "to" vs "two".

I know this is an early draft, but it always pays to weed out these typos before posting, since they do distract from the message of the piece.

Message-wise, I think you could probably let the characters' words do much of the showing, and not tell us so much. The scene is very intense, and I think it would be stronger if you perhaps emphasised this a bit less.

 

[Robert E. Parkin]

I see, I will add the rest of the Prologue on then. Also will take a quick look over the passage again. Was a little excited so I only read it over a couple of times for proofs before posting. Sorry about that.

Also, I'm surprised you wish for me to tell less. I've always felt I sometimes tell too much, but I was actually trying to to do less, but felt I was leaving too much to my characters. Great feedback as always Hex. I will take into consideration your points. Sorry for the rough draft.

 

[chrispenycate]

I'm embarking on a side project. I've learned my main work isn't really cut out for the YA genre, which is why I decided to write another story, vastly different from my current style that would fit the mold more for YA. It will be a Sci-Fi YA, but the Sci-Fi elements will be very limited as it will be more of a story of prejudice than anything else. I like stringing a mystery in all my work so there will be a lot of that to come. I wrote the Prologue and first chapter today, but felt like throwing up the Prologue to see what people think. I like being vague in my openings to my story, creating intrigue, and getting the gears turning. The Prologue is designed to be fast, and quick, getting you to wonder what it means, while leading you into the first chapter with a lot of questions you want to get answers to. Well, I talked enough, here is the first draft of the Prologue to my new series:

"Lavender" - PROLOGUE

“Please

Probably comma.

father! You can’t do this!”

A monstrous man glared down at his son. “Silence, you ignorant fool!”

The man struck his son so hard that everyone viewing the intense scene thought he had broken the boy’s jaw. Several servants even let slip a gasp as they stood in a large parlor room.

“I will not hear a word! How dare you soil our family with this wench!

Question mark.

” He pointed his large finger over to a lone woman being held by to

two

armed guards. The woman was crying.

The son rose to his feet, wiping away the blood coming down his mouth. He spat what

had

accumulated in his mouth before his father. Rage boiled like hot embers within him.

“You were the one that did this! Why!? Why won’t you accept her?!”

Is there possibly a slight excess of exclamation marks? I realise that they're screaming at each other, but exclamation marks are stronger when used less frequently.

The father’s face contorted. “She gave birth to that spawn. A spawn that was given your genes, our family's genes. You brought this upon yourself.”

The son rushed his father, grabbing hold of his collar. “It was you who decided to play God! Wasn’t it you who said, ‘We will remove the “impurities” to preserve our family's integrity’! You turned our child into the “spawn”

Comma

you arrogant psychopath!”

Three guards rushed the son, pinning him to the ground. He struggled beneath the men, trying to break free. He wanted nothing more than to see his father’s face buried into the ground.

“Please stop

Comma

David! Please, don’t hurt him!” cried the woman from behind.

An elegantly dressed woman stepped out alongside the powerful man standing before his son. Her dazzling beauty was quickly counteracted by the horrid look of disdain smeared over her face.

“Be quiet

Comma

trash. My husband is disciplining our disobedient son. You have no say in this matter. Be so kind and, shut your trap.” The woman’s words vibrated with fury.

David pushed his head up to gaze

For me,'gaze' is too contamplative, too calm. 'Glare''?

up at his parents with contempt. “Don’t speak to her like that!”

David’s mother laughed. “Your

You're

twenty years too early to be giving orders. Not even out of college and you think you run the family. So cute,” she said smugly as she waved her hand dismissively.

David clenched his fist. “I swear, I will never forgive-”

The cries of a baby echoed through the vast halls of David’s parents

parents'

estate, drawing everyone’s attention. The cries appeared to swirl and churn around them. For David, all he could feel was guilt. He couldn't even look at the woman to his right. He knew her tears would never stop.

“Let’s end this,” came the dark words of David’s father.

The guards pulled him to his feet, holding David before his father and mother. The rest of the estates

estate's

employees and help only watched like stone statues as the Master of the house came deadly close to David.

“You will never speak of this. You never had a child. You don’t know this woman.” He pointed powerfully at the helpless woman in tears. “Everything that has happened,

Do you need this comma?

will be forgotten, and the stain you brought on the family name of Nightshade, will be removed.”

David glared up at his father. “You’re a monster.”

The father towered over his son. His eyes danced with a mixture of fury and superiority.

“No my son, your daughter is a monster. Don’t worry though. We will insure she is well taken care of.” His gaze fell to the poor woman still being held back by the guards.

“This is my mercy. Take your spawn, and we will see to your disappearance.”

The woman’s eyes quivered as her knees gave out. The colossal force before her was anything but merciful. She saw in his eyes the desire to obliterate. He looked down upon her like some insect, a disgrace to the human race. She felt hopeless and lost . . . until she heard the cries of her child once more.

David’s mother cringed. “Just get that thing out of my house! I can’t stand to hear its insufferable wailing anymore.”

With a wave of his hand, David’s father had the guards drag him away. The two guards holding the woman followed suite but took her in a different direction.

David looked back, clenching his fist at how powerless and spineless he was.

I’m sorry

Comma

Claire . . .

All he could hear for the rest of the night were the cries of his child. To him, the cries sounded more like screams.
_____________________________________________________________________

Thanks in advance for any and all feedback.

 

[Kerrybuchanan]

I like the pace and found the story line intriguing, so once it's polished I would like to read on. However I agree with all the above as well.

You are fortunate enough to have had Chrispy correcting the grammar and there are few better, so I won't say anything to add to that, except that it needs to be sorted, or a really good story reads badly. I'm sure you would pick these things up yourself if you went over it thoroughly.

I do think you will find, if you come back to this after a break, that you can tighten the whole piece up a lot. There are places, e.g.

[An elegantly dressed woman stepped out alongside the powerful man standing before his son. Her dazzling beauty was quickly counteracted by the horrid look of disdain smeared over her face./QUOTE]

where you use a lot of adjectives. I think you'd be better off without them.

And I agree about the exclamation marks. Far too many.

Having said all that, this is a first draft so plenty of time to grind it down and polish it before it is ready for public display. Keep writing.

 

[Hex]

Hi Robert,

I probably wasn't clear! I meant stuff like this:


“Please father! You can’t do this!”

A monstrous man glared down at his son. [<-- you're about to show us he's monstrous. Why tell us as well?] “Silence, you ignorant fool!”

The man struck his son so hard that everyone viewing the intense [<-- don't tell us it's intense. You don't need to] scene thought he had broken the boy’s jaw. Several servants even let slip a gasp as they stood in a large parlor room. [<-- I don't think this is the place to tell us we're in a large parlour room. If it's important, maybe somewhere you could contrast the savage scene taking place with something about the room -- the pretty furnishings or perhaps the boy could see his face reflected in the ornate mirror, or something like that]

“I will not hear a word! How dare you soil our family with this wench!” He pointed his large finger over to [at?] a lone woman being held by two armed guards. The woman was crying.


An elegantly dressed woman stepped out alongside the powerful man [if you named him it might make it neater?] standing before his son [<-- no need. We know where he is]. Her dazzling beauty was quickly counteracted by the horrid [I think "horrid" may be unnecessary] look of disdain smeared over her face.

“Be quiet trash. My husband is disciplining our disobedient son. You have no say in this matter. Be so kind and, shut your trap.” The woman’s words vibrated with fury. [I also think you could lose the description of how she spoke, since her feelings are quite clear from what she says]

Hope that makes sense. I like the way the prologue ends.

 

[Brian G Turner]

The POV use is really weak in this - it moves between being distant, to jumping briefly into different characters.

The dialogue is little more than spoken exposition, with exclamation marks - a series of shouted explanations for the sake of the reader.

There is some very good word use in this, but it's all let down by fundamental structural problems, IMO.

Although this is only an early draft, I think you need to get on top of these technical issues first - as otherwise all you are going to do is create a huge amount of rewriting later on.

Simply personal opinion, though.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I'm a picky one who's in an editing mood at the moment... I'm also very, very character focused and some of these nits are from that focus and, as such, may not be what you want in your work, in which case ignore.

"Lavender" - PROLOGUE

“Please father! You can’t do this!”

A monstrous man Hex mentioned telling, and this is a good example - what made him monstrous? Using monstrous is a tell, showing me he was tall, or had yellowed teeth and boggly eyes, or that he stank of sweat and dirt would all be showing and would pull me in much, much more. glared down at his sonIf your narrator knows enough to tell us this is his son, might he also know the name of the man? It would be much more effective to name him, if so. . “Silence, you ignorant fool!”

The man struck his son so hard that everyone viewing the intense scene thought he had broken the boy’s jawa big sweeping statement, that everyone knew. Also, who is your narrator? At the moment, this is very distant and I'm not sure if that's a deliberate choice or if it's just that you're not sure who's story this is yet?. Several servants even let slip a gasp as they stood in athe, surely? The narrator seems familiar with the setting large parlor room.

“I will not hear a word! How dare you soil our family with this wench!” He pointed his large finger over to a lone woman being held by to armed guards. The woman was crying.again, another tell - show us she was crying, and show us it at the same time you introduce her as the action of crying is happening throughout. The more you can do that, keep the action going in the order it's happening in, the less the reader gets pulled out. Here, I had the woman being held and then I had to stop and rearrange my mental picture to include that she was crying:

He pointed his large figure to a lone woman, tears staining her face as she fought against the armed guards holding her.

The son rose to his feet, wiping awaydrop away - also we weren't told the boy was knocked down. Again, I had to rearrange my mental image. I'm not suggesting you include every movement but where it's a placement thing sometimes it's useful the blood coming down his mouth. He spat what accumulated in his mouth before his father. Rage boiled like hot embersa little bit of a cliche within him.

“You were the one that did this! Why!? Why won’t you accept her?!”

The father’s face contorted. “She gave birth to that spawn. A spawn that was given your genes, our family's genes. You brought this upon yourself.”

The son rushed his father, grabbing hold of his collarThis is so distant. I think you'd be better doing this scene from the son's point of view - then you'd get loads more into it.. “It was you who decided to play God! Wasn’t it you who said, ‘We will remove the “impurities” to preserve our family's integrity’!? needed You turned our I'd be inclined to use my, as it reads a bit like he and his father had a child child into the “spawn”comma you arrogant psychopath!”

Sorry, back to placement. I thought in the first part the son was a child when he was knocked down by his father, but he's an adult - I wonder if it would have been easier for me if it was hinted at earlier?

Three guards rushed the son, pinning him to the ground. He struggled beneath the men, trying to break free. He wanted nothing more than to see his father’s face buried into the ground.

“Please stop, - otherwise it's someone having to stop someone called David David! Please, don’t hurt him!” cried the woman from behind.

An elegantly dressed woman stepped out alongside the powerful man standing before his son. Her dazzling beautyagain, this is a tell - how is she beautiful? Her face, her grace, her clothes? Are her eyes drowsy and soft and beautiful? Does her mouth curve into a smile? was quickly counteracted by the horrid look of disdain smeared over her face.

“Be quiet, - again, these are important. Without it she's telling the trash to be quiet trash. My husband is disciplining our disobedient son. You have no say in this matter. Be so kind and, shut your trapshut your trap jarred for me, I think it sounds a little slangy for the scene?.” The woman’s words vibrated with fury.

David pushed his head up to gaze up at his parents with contempt. “Don’t speak to her like that!”

David’s mother laughed. “YourYou're twenty years too early to be giving orders. Not even out of college and you think you run the family. So cute,” she said smugly as she waved her hand dismissively.

David clenched his fist. “I swear, I will never forgive-”

About here, I'm sort of going, okay, I get it. He had a baby with someone his parents don't approve of and isn't allowed to stand up for himself. Honestly, I think you could convey that in half the words.

The cries of a baby echoed through the vast halls of David’s parentsparent's estate, drawing everyone’s attention. The cries appeared to swirl and churn around themnice. For David, all he could feel was guilt. He couldn't even look at the woman to his rightwho is? If this is the woman being held, presumably his lover, wouldn't he at least use her name? Think something about her? She could be his dog for all his thoughts about her.. He knew her tears would never stop.

“Let’s end this,” came the dark wordsnot needed - the words are dark, you don't need to add anything else of David’s father.

The guards pulled himtechnically his father to his feet, holding David before his father and mother. The rest of the estatesestate's employees and helpwhat's the difference between an employee and the help? only watched like stone statues as the Master of the house came deadly close to David.

“You will never speak of this. You never had a child. You don’t know this woman.” He pointed powerfully at the helpless womanthis would be so, so much closer if she was at least named. And she's very passive, really - in tears both times with not a lot of fight in her except one outburst. in tears. “Everything that has happened,drop comma will be forgotten, and the stain you brought on the family name of Nightshade, will be removed.”

David glared up at his father. “You’re a monster.”

The father towered over his son. His eyes danced with a mixture of fury and superiority.

“No my son, your daughter is a monster. Don’t worry though. We will insureensure she is well taken care of.” His gaze fell to the poor womanso here I'm confused - the woman is David's daughter? So who's the baby? I see later that she isn't his daughter, but I got a bit head-scratchy about it all. This all needs to be lots, lots clearer. still being held back by the guards.

“This is my mercy. Take your spawn, and we will see to your disappearance.”

The woman’s eyes quivered as her knees gave out. The colossal forceeh? The father? Or his power and money? before her was anything but merciful. She saw in his eyes the desire to obliterate. He looked down upon her like some insect, a disgrace to the human race. She felt hopeless and lost . . . until she heard the cries of her child once more.The point of view jump doesn't work for me - see at the end.

David’s mother cringed. “Just get that thing out of my house! I can’t stand to hear its insufferable wailing anymore.”

With a wave of his hand, David’s father had the guards drag him away. The two guards holding the woman followed suite suit but took her in a different direction.

David looked back, clenching his fist at how powerless and spineless he was.

I’m sorry Claire . . .yay, she has a name

All he could hear for the rest of the night were the cries of his childor does she? Now I'm wondering if the child is Claire. To him, the cries sounded more like screams.
_____________________________________________________________________

Thanks in advance for any and all feedback.

Okay, for me it didn't work, sorry. There were a couple of reasons for this:

Your omni narrator, followed by glimpses into different heads made it all feel very distant for me. Now, I'm a huge character reader and writer, so others might not be as worried about it as me, but it kept me out of the scene. Also, for YA I think it would be a turn off - read most modern YA and it's either in first, or very close third. I'm struggling to think of any I've read recently that have a distant narrator. If I were you, I'd try this whole scene in first, from David's point of view. Nothing in it that he either doesn't see, think or know. Firstly, that eliminates some of the tell - in a character's voice, tell sometimes moves towards exposition - and I think you'll learn much more about the scene and the dynamics from it.

With a scene like this, for it to work, we have to care about the characters. Some of the things that help us to do that include use of names rather than the girl etc - you wouldn't be in this scene with your own girlfriend being dragged from you and think only of her as the girl. You'd be seeing how the guards were holding her arms tight enough to turn the skin white, how she grimaced as she fought them, you'd be seeing the desperation in her eyes, perhaps some leakage around her breasts if the baby is a newborn and crying (sorry if that's TMI, but that's what happens to new mothers if their babies are distressed and they can't get to them). All that sort of thing really helps bring it alive.

Lastly, sorry - the telling, not showing. This is mostly tell, there is very little show. Telling is saying the guards are holding the woman - showing is (and this is my style, not yours, so forgive me):

Claire was held between two guards, tight by her arms. She'd been fighting to break free and the skin was crossed with welts where she'd been held. Her eyes met mine, full of desperation, of the need to be free and back with Junior, and I had to get to her and make my father see what this meant.

His fist caught me, full in the face, knocking me to the ground. Pain arced from it, through my cheek, my eye closing from the impact, but I got my hands under me and pushed back to my feet.

"You were the one who did this," I said, my voice slurred as my lips thickened from his blow. "Why?"

Can you see how much more show there is in this? The welts on the arm, the pain, the eye closing, words slurred. And how, with the short exposition we can see that David loves Claire, and Claire loves Junior and it's all just a mess?

I think this could be a nice scene, and your grammar isn't bad (dialogue punctuation was spot on, so yay! I comment on that a lot, normally) But I think it needs some work both in terms of the approach, particularly for the YA market, and in considering how to make us care enough to keep reading.

I hope I haven't been devastatingly hard. It comes with cake, if that's helpful.

 

[The Judge]

I'm coming late to this so I'm bound to end up repeating what others have already said. I thought I'd do a nit-pick as Chris hasn't picked up everything here that's wrong.

red = suggested addition/amendment
blue = suggested deletion
purple = comment

“Please, father! You can’t do this!”

A monstrous [if by "monstrous" you mean the man's nature is shockingly unpleasant, it's "telling" and otiose; if you mean he is gigantic/abnormal in size/appearance, then make this clear and also show us why it's relevant] man glared down at his son. “Silence, you ignorant fool!”

The man struck his son so hard that everyone [really?] viewing [the intense scene] thought he had broken the boy’s [how old is he to be called "boy"?] jaw. Several servants even let slip a gasp as they stood [alliteration is rarely your friend in a serious scene] in a large parlor room. [in speculative fiction you can call rooms whatever you want, but this seems to me to be less a decision you've taken than ignorance of what a parlour is or was -- first it doesn't need "room" after it, they are just called "parlours"; second, it nowadays carries a distinctly lower middle-class and/or Victorian vibe when used in conjunction with private houses, there would only be one, not several so the "a" is odd, and they are certainly not of the size needed to have an entires estate's employees standing around watching]

“I will not hear a word! How dare you soil our family with this wench!” [wench is typically used in faux medieval fantasies and sticks out here as unbelievable -- it used to mean prostitute but now just means a lively girl, which is hardly what this man would be thinking. Tart, bitch, whore would all be more expressive, or just "woman" if you and he have objections to using words of that kind] He pointed his large finger over [is his large finger relevant? If not, why not just "pointed at"?] to a [lone] woman being held by two armed guards. The woman was crying.

The son rose to his feet, wiping away the blood coming down his mouth. [surely coming from his mouth, or coming down his chin?] He spat what had accumulated in his mouth [close repetition of "mouth" ungainly -- and it's a very clunky line] before his father. Rage boiled like hot embers [are embers really that hot? Hotter than the fire itself?] within him.

“You were the one who [that] did this! Why!? Why won’t you accept her?!” [using both question marks and exclamation marks doesn't look terribly professional, I'm afraid, and I'd agree with the others that you have overused the exclamation marks throughout]

The father’s face contorted. “She gave birth to that spawn. A spawn that was given your genes, our family's genes. You brought this upon yourself.”

The son rushed his father, grabbing hold of his collar. [and? He doesn't shake him or throw him to the floor, or punch him?] “It was you who decided to play God! Wasn’t it you who said, ‘We will remove the “impurities” to preserve our family's integrity’? [!] You turned our child into the “spawn,” you arrogant psychopath!”

Three guards rushed [close repetition of "rushed" -- and they rather took their time if he had the chance to make that little speech above] the son, pinning him to the ground. He struggled beneath the men, trying to break free. He wanted nothing more than to see his father’s face buried into the ground. [if by "buried" you mean his father dead and buried then "in the ground"; if you just mean ground into the dirt, then that might be a better way of expressing it. But if he wants that, why didn't he do something before the guards rushed him -- he had plenty of time]

“Please stop, David! Please, don’t hurt him!” cried the woman from behind. [from behind whom?]

An elegantly dressed woman [coming immediately after the line above, and the fact this woman steps out -- presumably from behind someone -- I thought she was the one who spoke which caused confusion further on -- you need to differentiate them] stepped out [from where? Hasn't he noticed her before?] alongside the powerful [needed?] man [standing before his son]. Her dazzling beauty [needed/relevant?] was quickly counteracted [can beauty be "counteracted" -- something like "obscured" or "obliterated" might be better] by the horrid [a rather childish word, don't you think?] look of disdain smeared [smeared?] over her face.

“Be quiet, trash. My husband is disciplining our disobedient son. You have no say in this matter. Be so kind and [,] shut your trap.” [this again stuck out for me as being an unlikely thing for her to say] The woman’s words vibrated with fury.

David pushed his head up to gaze [very unlikely to be "gaze", surely, as that's contemplative, and why aren't the guards holding his head to the floor?] up [close repetition of "up" ungainly] at his parents with contempt. “Don’t speak to her like that!”

His [David’s] mother laughed. “You're twenty years too early to be giving orders. Not even out of college and you think you run the family. So cute,” she said smugly [surely condescendingly, not smugly?] as she waved her hand dismissively. [two adverbs inside 7 words not advisable unless used judiciously -- and barely a paragraph ago this woman was vibrating with fury, but now she's completely calm? Unlikely, surely]

David clenched his fist. “I swear, I will never forgive-” [you've use a hyphen here, when you need an em- or en-dash to show the breaking off of this speech]

The cries of a baby echoed through the vast halls [um... how can anyone here know the cries are echoing everywhere else?] of David’s parents' estate, [an "estate" is the whole kit and kaboodle, including private gardens, stables, farms, woods etc etc -- the "vast halls" can surely only relate to the actual mansion/manor house/palace/whatever they are in. If this isn't a conventional estate, then I'd suggest you use a different word] drawing everyone’s attention. The cries appeared to swirl and churn around them. [really?] For David, all he could feel was guilt. He couldn't even look at the woman to his right. He knew her tears would never stop.

“Let’s end this,” came the dark words [very telling and otiose] of David’s father.

The guards pulled David [him] [otherwise it's the father as the last man mentioned] to his feet, holding him [David] before his father and mother. The rest of the estates' employees [what?? All of them? The gardeners and stablemen and laundry maids?] and help [what help? They are somehow different from employees?] only watched like stone statues as the master of the house came deadly [how deadly?] close to David.[um... really, that sentence isn't helping at all]

“You will never speak of this. You never had a child. You don’t know this woman.” He pointed [powerfully] [how can one point powerfully?] at the helpless woman in tears. “Everything that has happened [,] will be forgotten, and the stain you brought on the family name of Nightshade [don't you think that's a tad cliched for a baddie?] [,] will be removed.”

David glared up at his father. “You’re a monster.”

The father towered over his son. His eyes danced [dancing is good; a better verb here would give off unpleasant vibes] with a mixture of fury and superiority.

“No, my son, your daughter is a monster. Don’t worry, though. We will ensure she is well taken care of.” His gaze fell on [to] the poor woman still being held back by the guards.

“This is my mercy. Take your spawn, and we will see to your disappearance.”

The woman’s eyes quivered [can eyes quiver?] as her knees gave out. [if she's being allowed to go with the child, surely she should be relieved they're not both being killed?] The colossal force before her was anything but merciful. [um... another sentence you might want to reconsider, frankly] She saw in his eyes the desire to obliterate. [then why doesn't he obliterate her? I would] He looked down upon her like some insect, a disgrace to the human race. She felt hopeless and lost . . . until she heard the cries of her child once more. [and? What next? Is she given strength by it?]

David’s mother cringed. [cringing is a sign of weakness, not disgust; shuddered might be a better word to use] “Just get that thing out of my house! I can’t stand to hear its insufferable wailing anymore.”

With a wave of his hand, David’s father had the guards drag him away. The two guards holding the woman followed suit [suite] but took her in a different direction.

David looked back, clenching his fist at how powerless and spineless he was.

I’m sorry, Claire . . .

All he could hear for the rest of the night were the cries of his child. To him, the cries sounded more like screams. [and the difference is?]

I am a very fussy reader, but I have to say that for me nothing here worked. It's all very flat and distant, with no real emotion, so nothing to engage me. Partly this is a POV problem since you're maintaining a distance from these characters, not helped by the use of "father" and "son" and such words -- naming them would immediately give them more life and impact. If you get into the head of one of these people and show us his/her thoughts/fears/anger/distress/disdain it will make the whole thing more alive.

That distancing effect also means that to me, frankly, these people seem more like bad actors in a melodrama than real living beings whom you have captured, and the dialogue is a particular offender. In this, also, your use of language is not helping. From the scene I imagine these are meant to be nobles of some kind, but absolutely nothing about the way they speak or comport themselves shows this. Moreover, your word choice as a whole kept pulling me up -- I appreciate this is a very first rough draft, and you may well have reconsidered some of the words you've used, but perhaps another time it might be best to wait and hone the extract before putting it up here as this kind of thing can distract from more important issues.

However, I also have real problems with the actual scene as a whole, not least its setting -- the man wants this "spawn" forgotten, so he parades them both in front of his every servant? It shows his arrogance certainly, but no intelligence, since word is bound to get out which is the last thing he wants. It reads to me as if you've wanted a Big Scene but you haven't actually thought anything through as to how this man would do things.

Sorry I can't be more enthusiastic. There's certainly a basis here for something intriguing, with the hint of genetic manipulation, but it needs a good bit of work first. As I say, another time it might be an idea to wait and not rush to put your work up, so we're not seeing the rough outline but a more finished version.

 

[tinkerdan]

I agree in part to some of the things mentioned but I'm not all that concerned over how many rewrites an author takes because it's part of the process. That said this does read like a framework that now needs to be fleshed in.

Sometimes we make omniscient third into a strange puzzle that doesn't work and I think that's what's happened here. You can go objective or subjective and you tend to be more objective. There is no wrong or right here except with how you support that point of view. Objective almost requires that all the narrative and dialogue drive the story forward and if you want to include exposition into that you need to draw the reader closer by showing more in the body language and every cue that can be seen from the outside and I think that that's where you are a bit thin because of the telling nature. There is a lot more room for show by looking at the expressions and posturing rather than explaining it.

That said; there might be some value in being more subjective and creating a narrator that has an opinion, but once again that requires showing. Subjective will get you closer, but you'll need to decide if head hopping is an option or if you want to center on one character.

The POV you have chosen can work but you have to utilize it rather than letting it force you into a corner.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00822WM2M/?tag=brite-21

I have this book: I'm not trying to get you to buy it but you might want to look at it because it is quite helpful in showing the emotions of characters.

I find it to be frustrating because it is so helpful yet woefully inadequate because for each emotion they have in the book I can think of two more I'd like to do and then I have to fudge by finding two emotions that might look like what I want.
For instance there is nothing for someone who might feel conflicted.
and nothing for someone who is defiant.
Yet what they do have helps a writer understand a bit about crafting the ways to show those emotions without having to tell the reader that he's speaking defiantly.

 

[Robert E. Parkin]

Thank you all for your thoughts. I will take what you have said and try to apply and learn from your remarks. Thanks again.