More Cannon Fodder (1000)

[Avid Scifi Fan]

Starting another book and looking for some pointers. it's about 1000 words and I'm aiming for about 100K, so this is the very begining.


***********

Bremick Adonas and his companions kick back in their ship and relax while returning home after a long mission. Bremick watches the distant galaxies streak by out the side window. The galaxies colors appear distorted with a rainbow Doppler shift as they cruise through the intergalactic wormhole at incredible speeds. Maggie, the ships AI computer, suddenly speaks over the ships coms “Bremick, we just passed a faint distress signal coming from the outskirts of the Dually galaxy.” Bremick sits up and puts his feet back on the ground “Set an intercept course and let’s investigate.”

Maggie swings a wide arc around in the wormhole as she adjusts her course for the Dually galaxy. At that moment, Roz Gelino enters the cockpit and takes a seat at the controls as she asks “So what’s going on? Why did we turn around?” Bremick fills her in on the details and says “Well, I better go wake Silack up. You have the controls.” Bremick exits the cockpit and walks down the hall to the holographic simulation room. When the door opens, a hot blast of air rushes out of the room that’s dimly lit with a deep red glow. Bremick enters the room and can see Silack lying on a rock by the beach. The smooth rock caresses the contours of Silack’s reptilian body while his arm hangs limp off to one side. His datapad rests partly wedged in the sand and leaning against the rock just a few inches below his finger tips as though it slipped from his grasp. Bremick looks around at the water by the beach and the giant red star overhead and recognizes the program as Silack’s home world of Hyziss. The sound of Silack softly snoring in the background assures Bremick everything is fine.

Bremick accesses the control panel and switches to the Orini ice program. The room quickly brightens up as the red sun switches to yellow and the warm sand changes to a powdery snow. The beach front changes to a glacial flow with large chunks of ice and the air temperature quickly plummets to thirty below. Silack jumps to his feet and stares around the room in shock. He sees Bremick standing by the door and says “I should have known it was you.” As Bremick’s laughter dies down, he says “Time to get up, we just received a distress call from the outskirts of the Dually galaxy.” Silack grumbles with a disappointed look on his face “So much for some time off!”

The two return to the cockpit just in time to see the intergalactic wormhole dissipate in front of them as Maggie slows into normal hyperspace. Roz looks at the two and says “I was able to clear up the distress call, but there is no response to my reply.” She plays the message on the main holographic display. As the image of a Barthellian, an insectoid like species with an exoskeleton, big multi-lens bug eyes and powerful mandible jaws, appears in front of them it begins to plead for help. With the auto translation system activated, it says “I am Carther of the salvage ship Good Fortune. We were in the middle of a salvage operation when we came across an unknown life form. I have lost contact with my crew and need assistance.”

Suddenly in the middle of his message, a dark shadowy tentacle rips the Barthellian out of the view of the holodisplay. A split second later, blood curdling screams fill the audio of the message. When the screams die out, the only sounds heard are the ominous crunching noises in the background. The message ends.

Silack looks at Bremick and Roz and sarcastically says “Who needs time off, let’s go have some fun and investigate the deadly alien.” Maggie shuts down the hyperdrive engines and drops out of hyperspace. She fires up her ion thrusters and continues in route to the location of the distress call. She speaks over the ships coms and says “Were on final approach now. We should be there in just another minute.”

The three head down to the main cargo bay and suit up with some essential equipment. Bremick opens the main cargo bay door just as Silack finishes latching on his helmet. The three peer out through the cargo bay’s atmospheric barrier shield and see the shadowy hulk of a ship off in the distance getting larger as they approach. The tiny ship, Good Fortune, is partially docked in one of the side hangars of the huge derelict ship. Silack comments “They should have brought a bigger ship for a salvage operation of this size.” Bremick studies the lifeless hulk slowly tumbling in the sparsely lit space just outside of the galaxy and remarks “I don’t see any signs of activity or power.”

Maggie says over the ships coms “I’m going to dock in the large hangar next to the one the Good Fortune is docked in.” She aligns her approach with the dark hangar and matches the ships rotation. Her navigation lights pierce the darkness within and reveal several large stacks of cargo containers and parked shuttles. As she steadily floats into the opening, Maggie selects a clearing and settles down into position. As soon as Maggie’s landing struts touch down on the hangar deck plating, Bremick lowers the cargo bay ramp.

Bremick, with pistol on hip and rifle on his back, passes through the atmospheric barrier shield and exhales the remaining air in his respiratory system. Silack sees the condensed vapor cloud quickly disperse into the vacuum of the hangar and comments through his helmet radio “Must be nice to be and android.” Roz pats him on the shoulder as she blows a similar cloud in his face and radios back “Stop dilly dallying and lets get going. The Good Fortune is docked in the next hangar.” Silack wipes the condensation off his visor and follows the two out into the darkness of the hangar.

********

 

[Brian G Turner]

I missing the character experience of Bremick, and any sense of tension in this I'm afraid. There's a lot of details that feel like they slow down the narrative at this point.

 

[Hex]

Hi ASF, I put in some paragraph breaks (a blank line) to make things clearer to read -- it helps if people aren't looking at a solid wall of text.

Um. Coming from me (I write a lot in present tense) this is a bit strange, but I found the present tense really difficult here, perhaps because it's third person too.

I also felt you could either slow down and give us some character experience or start everything when they're watching the distress call. The tentacle is nice.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Hi, had a quick look at this and, imho, there's a lot to do. I don't have time this morning to crit it all but I'll quickly line edit the first paragraph and then you could look to apply it throughout?



***********

Bremick Adonas and his companions kick back could you show this instead of telling it - you do this in the next sentence, in fact, so does this add? in their ship and relax how is relaxing different from kicking back while returning home after a long mission. A bit of detail might draw us in - are they soldiers, a mining group, intergalactic escorts? Bremick watches the distant galaxies streak by out the side window. The galaxies galaxies' colors appear distorted maybe a comma with a rainbow Doppler shift as they technically this is the galaxies tcruise through the intergalactic wormhole at incredible speedsso, this is all telling - how does it feel to travel through the wormhole? Any noises, forces pulling on them? I'd take a new paragraph here Maggie, the ships ship's AI computer, suddenly speaks over the shipsship's comsfull stop, I think, although I'd accept a comma too “Bremick, we just passed a faint distress signal coming from the outskirts of the Dually galaxy.” New paragraphBremick sits up and puts his feet back on the groundfull stop “Set an intercept course and let’s investigate.”


********[/QUOTE]

On a general note, I don't think present is working here - if you're going to use it I think you need to be much closer in terms of point of view - as it is, it feels like a list of events with no real depth. The lack of description and show adds to that feeling of lack of depth.

There are also multiple grammatical issues - dialogue punctuation, missing possessive apostrophes, run on paragraphs. I think, if I were you, I'd try to tackle them first and then look at the storytelling as, without them, this is very difficult to follow. I'd suggest reading through this thread:

http://www.sffchronicles.com/threads/51521/page-12#post-1869925

 

[Ray McCarthy]

The Physics / Light descriptions are bizarre. But maybe that suits the story.

 

[ctg]

Personally I have real trouble reading present tense, even though I have recently read a present tense book. Thing is I would strongly recommend you to try past tense in your prose, especially if you're aiming this adult market instead of dabbling with young adults. The reason is that there is far large number of people who are used to reading third person in past tense rather than trying to imagine everything in the present tense, and you don't do this easy for them.

To lend an example this is the opening para in Robert Harris, An Officer and A Spy:

"Major Picquart to see the Minister of War..."

The sentry on the rue Saint-Dominique steps out of his box to open the gate and I run through a whirl of snow across the windy country into the warm lobby of the hotel de Brienne, where a sleek young captain of Republican Guard rises to salute me. I repeat, with greater urgency: "Major Picquart to see the Minister of War...!"
​

In your case:

Bremick Adonas and his companions kick back in their ship and relax while returning home after a long mission. Bremick watches the distant galaxies streak by out the side window. The galaxies colors appear distorted with a rainbow Doppler shift as they cruise through the intergalactic wormhole at incredible speeds. Maggie, the ships AI computer, suddenly speaks over the ships coms “Bremick, we just passed a faint distress signal coming from the outskirts of the Dually galaxy.” Bremick sits up and puts his feet back on the ground “Set an intercept course and let’s investigate.”

The problem I have here is that your prose isn't flowing as well as Mr Harris's example. In fact I'm picturing in my mind a cheap black-and-white B-roll and that is no good because I can see that you have talent but not the experience to produce an effective present tense tale for the audience to buy. Sorry.

 

[The Judge]

I have to say that to me this reads as if you have imagined this as a film/video game of the kind you would enjoy, iincluding brief setting scenes and cheesy dialogue, and you are simply writing down what you "see" as it unspools in front of you. Unfortunately, that is not the way to write a novel.

My advice would be for you to read a good deal more of some well-written SF, and take some time to learn grammar conventions such as correct punctuation and starting new paragraphs for new speakers, and then revisit this scene in past tense, not present which as everyone says is simply not working here. I'd also suggest you spent some time looking around at the other pieces up for scrutiny here in Critiques and make notes of how more experienced members have approached opening chapters and the delineation of character, world-building and dialogue.

This is a start, but I'm afraid there's a long road ahead of you yet. Good luck with the journey.

 

[Hex]

So, I don't know if this helps (probably not) but I wanted to show you what I meant about slowing down. It might be a mistake to make it too slow, but you could use the little bit of time while Bremick is resting to tell us something about him, what he's been doing and how he thinks about things. The galaxies are fine, but what I really want to know about at the opening to a book is what characters I'm going to be finding out about. I still don't think the present tense works very well, but maybe a little better in the closer point of view (when you're seeing things more from Bremick's eyes, and less from outside him, if that makes sense).

Something a little like this?

Bremick, yawning, opens one eye to see distant galaxies -- Perseus and Xonford, maybe -- streak past the side window. Perseus's normal purple looks rainbow in the Doppler shift from the wormhole. He closes his eyes again, head comfortably cushioned by the padded support of the pilot chair, and starts to drift luxuriously into sleep. It's been a long six months exploring this region of the galaxy and he's looking forward to getting home, and getting paid. Visions of the barmaid on XXX pass through his head. If she's augmented her chest any more since last time, she'll have problems standing. Pretty blue eyes, though, and the way she walks--

"Bremick, I have detected a distress signal," announces the ship's computer.

He sighs, opens his eyes properly and spins his chair to face the displays. "Nice timing, Maggie. Where?"

"It is faint."

"Yeah. Approximately where, then?"

Maybe he imagines the pause. Maggie's not programmed for fear. "The outskirts of the Dually galaxy."

 

[Avid Scifi Fan]

Good feed back, its hard to see what's wrong when you write it as obvious as it may be. Thanks.

I'm an engineer by trade and mostly familiar with writing tech manuals and specs. (we know how much fun they are to read!) I don't know if I'll change from present tense, but I will definetly try to clean things up some more.

Judge is right about the visualization. I start with an outline and write what I visuallize for the scene. Of course I need to remember to go back and fill in the missing stuff like the emotions and feelings that can't be seen.

I do have a tendency to try and cram too much into each sentence and fear I'm on borderline of run-ons half the time. I'll have another go at it and do some editing. Any additional feedback is welcome.

 

[Wo7f]

Hi! Reds = suggested insert Underline = suggested take out

Bremick Adonas and his companions kick back aboard? in their ship and relax while returning home after a long mission. Bremick watches the distant galaxies streak by out the side window. The galaxies colors appear distorted with a rainbow Doppler shift as they cruise through the intergalactic wormhole at incredible speeds.

Maggie, the ships AI computer, suddenly speaks over the ships coms “Bremick, we just passed a faint distress signal coming from the outskirts of the Dually galaxy.”

Bremick sits up and puts his feet back on the ground “Set an intercept course and let’s investigate.”

Maggie swings a wide arc around in the wormhole as she adjusts her course for the Dually galaxy.

At that moment, Roz Gelino enters the cockpit and takes a seat at the controls.[ as she asks “So what’s going on? Why did we turn around?”

Bremick fills her in on the details and says “Distress signal. Well, I better go wake Silack up. You have the controls.”

Bremick exits the cockpit and walks down the hall to the holographic simulation room. When the door opens, A hot blast of air rushes out as the door opens to a of the room that’s dimly lit with a deep red glow. Bremick enters the room and can to see Silack lying on a rock by the beach. The smooth stone rock caresses the contours of Silack’s reptilian body while his arm hangs limp off to one side. His datapad rests is partly wedged in the sand, and leaning against the rock just a few inches below his finger tips, as though it slipped from his grasp. Bremick looks around at the water by the beach and the giant red star overhead and recognizes the program as Silack’s home world of Hyziss. The sound of Silack softly snoring in the background assures Bremick everything is fine.

Bremick accesses the control panel and switches to the Orini ice program. The room quickly brightens up as the red sun switches to yellow and the warm sand changes to a powdery snow. The beach front alters? changes to a glacial flow with large chunks of ice and the air temperature quickly plummets to thirty below. Silack jumps to his feet and stares around the room in shock.

He sees Bremick standing by the door. and says “I should have known it was you.”

As Bremick’s laughter dies down. he says “Time to get up, we just received a distress call from the outskirts of the Dually galaxy.”

Silack grumbles with a disappointed look on his face. “So much for some time off!”

The two return to the cockpit just in time to see the intergalactic wormhole dissipate in front of them as Maggie slows into normal hyperspace.

Roz looks at the two. and says “I was able to clear up the distress call, but there is no response to my reply.”

She plays the message on the main holographic display. As the image of a Barthellian, an insectoid like species with an exoskeleton, big multi-lens bug eyes and powerful mandible jaws, appears in front of them it and begins to plead for help.

With The auto translation system activates, it says “I am Carther of the salvage ship Good Fortune. We were in the middle of a salvage operation when we came across an unknown life form. I have lost contact with my crew and need assistance.”

Suddenly In the middle of his message, a dark shadowy tentacle rips the Barthellian out of the view of the holodisplay. A split second later, blood curdling screams fill the audio of the message. When the screams die out, the only sounds heard are the ominous crunching noises in the background. The message ends.

Silack looks at Bremick and Roz and sarcastically says “Who needs time off, let’s go have some fun and investigate the deadly alien.”

Maggie shuts down the hyperdrive engines and drops out of hyperspace. She fires up her ion thrusters and continues in route to the location of the distress call.

She speaks over the ships coms. and says “Were on final approach now. We should be there in just another minute.”

The three head down to the main cargo bay and suit up with some essential equipment. Bremick opens the main cargo bay door just as Silack finishes latching on his helmet. The three peer out through the cargo bay’s atmospheric barrier shield and see the shadowy hulk of a ship off in the distance getting larger as they approach. The tiny ship, Good Fortune, is partially docked in one of the side hangars of the huge derelict ship.

Silack makes an observation? comments “They should have brought a bigger ship for a salvage operation of this size.”

Bremick studies the lifeless hulk slowly tumbling in the sparsely lit space, just outside of the galaxy and remarks “I don’t see any signs of activity or power.”

Maggie says announces? over the ships coms “I’m going to dock in the large hangar next to the one the Good Fortune is docked in.”

She aligns her approach with the dark hangar and matches the ships rotation. Her navigation lights pierce the darkness within and reveal several large stacks of cargo containers and parked shuttles. As she steadily floats into the opening, Maggie selects a clearing and settles down into position. As soon as Maggie’s landing struts touch down on the hangar deck plating, Bremick lowers the cargo bay ramp.

Bremick, with pistol on hip and rifle on his back, passes through the atmospheric barrier shield and exhales the remaining air in out of? his respiratory system.

Silack sees the condensed vapor cloud quickly disperse into the vacuum of the hangar and comments through his helmet radio “Must be nice to be and android.”

Roz pats him on the shoulder as she blows a similar cloud in his face and radios back “Stop dilly dallying and lets get going. The Good Fortune is docked in the next hangar.”

Silack wipes the condensation off his visor and follows the two out into the darkness of the hangar.

Some of the words I changed to avoid it sounding repetitious. I also felt dialogue is better with it's own line, but I know that's not a rule. It's up to the writer. I hope you don't mind. It was easier for me to critique.
Nice start for the story. I liked it.

 

[Avid Scifi Fan]

Ok, I spent a little time fixing a few things. It's still in present tense, but I tried to address everything else.

I added some more detail to the characters and adjusted the conversations. Hopefully they are a little less "cheesey" other wise I may need to add some crackers and wine to go with it (wine is sure to make it better...).

Please take a look and let me know what you think. I thank you in advance for your time and effort.

*********
Bremick Adonas and his companions are returning home after a long mission. Bremick, a Regent with Central Command, relaxes in the cockpit with his head cradled in the soft pilot chair and feet up on the control console. He reminisces about the mission they just completed and how he caught a stray shot from a plasma riffle as the mission was coming to a close. He looks down to check the wound on his arm and feels relieved to have scrapped by with such a minor wound. Like tiny little ants, the powdery nanite repair bots are busy at work repairing the damage to his flesh coverings and android innards. He takes a deep refreshing breath before turning his head to stare out the side window at the distant galaxies streaking by. Their colors have been distorted with a severe Doppler shift as his ship cruises through the intergalactic wormhole at incredible speeds.

Suddenly, Maggie, the ships AI computer, speaks over the ships coms. “Bremick. I’m picking up a faint distress signal.”

Welcoming the break in the monotony of the long boring journey, Bremick snaps into action. He sits up and puts his feet back on the ground as he eagerly asks “Where is it coming from?”

Maggie displays their location and the approximate location of the signal on the view screen and replies “Its coming from the outskirts of the Dually galaxy.”

Bremick, being a Regent, says with a sense of duty “Set an intercept course and let’s investigate.”

Maggie shudders and shakes as swings a wide arc around in the turbulent wormhole, adjusting her course for the Dually galaxy.

A moment later, Roz Gelino, a network and communications expert with Central Command, enters the cockpit. She quickly takes a seat at the controls as she curiously asks “So what’s going on? Why did we turn around?”

Bremick fills her in on the details and says “Well, I better go get Silack. You have the controls.”

Roz nods in acknowledgement “You got it.”

As Bremick exits the cockpit, he adds “While you’re up here, see if you can narrow down the exact location of the distress call.” He walks down the hall to the holographic simulation room, imagining the new mission at hand. When the door to the holosim room opens, a hot blast of air rushes out. Bremick enters the room, dimly lit with a deep red glow, and can see Silack, a broker and materials specialist with Central Command, lying on a rock by the beach. The smooth stone caresses the contours of Silack’s reptilian body while his arm hangs limp off to one side. His datapad is partly wedged in the sand, and leaning against the rock just a few inches below his finger tips, as though it slipped from his grasp. Bremick looks around the beach with the water gently lapping against the shore and the giant red star hanging overhead and immediately recognizes the program as Silack’s home world of Hyziss. The sound of Silack softly snoring in the background assures Bremick everything is fine.

Bremick accesses the control panel and switches to Roz’s Orini ice program. The room quickly brightens up as the red sun switches to yellow and the warm sand changes to a powdery snow. The beach front transforms into a glacial flow with large chunks of ice and the air temperature quickly plummets to thirty below.

Silack jumps to his feet and stares around the room in shock. He sees Bremick standing by the door laughing at him. “I should have known it was you.”

Bremick’s laughter dies down “Time to get up Silack. We just received a distress call that we’re going to investigate.”

Silack grumbles with a disappointed look on his face “So much for some time off!”
The two return to the cockpit just in time to see the intergalactic wormhole dissipate in front of them as Maggie slows into normal hyperspace.

Roz swivels around in her chair and looks at the two “I was able to locate and clear up the distress call, but there is no response to my reply.” She plays the message on the main holographic display.

As the image of a Barthellian, an insectoid like species with an exoskeleton, big multi-lens bug eyes and powerful mandible jaws, appears in front of them it begins to plead for help. With the auto translation system activated, it says “I am Carther of the salvage ship Good Fortune. We were in the middle of a salvage operation when we came across an unknown life form. I have lost contact with my crew and need assistance.”

Suddenly, in the middle of his message, a dark shadowy tentacle rips the Barthellian out of view. A split second later, blood curdling screams fill the audio of the message. When the screams die out, the only sounds heard are the ominous crunching noises in the background. The message ends.

Silack, with sarcasm in his voice, says “Who needs time off, let’s go have some fun and investigate the deadly alien.”

The hum of the hyperdrive engines dies out as Maggie shuts down her hyperdrive engines. As she drops out of hyperspace the colors of the distant Dually galaxy shift back to normal. A low rumble fills the ship as she fires up her ion thrusters and continues in route to the location of the distress call. She speaks over the ships coms “Were on final approach now. We should be there in just another minute.”

The three head down to the main cargo bay and suit up with some essential equipment. Bremick opens the main cargo bay door just as Silack finishes latching on his helmet. The three peer out through the cargo bay’s atmospheric barrier shield and see the shadowy hulk of a ship off in the distance getting larger as they approach. The tiny ship, Good Fortune, is partially docked in one of the side hangars of the huge derelict ship.
Silack nervously adjusts his suit and comments “I’ve never liked stopping in deep space. It’s too dark, and there aren’t enough stars for a point of reference.” After sizing up the Good Fortune and the derelict ship he adds “Looks like they should have brought a bigger ship for a salvage operation of this size.”

Bremick attentively studies the slowly tumbling lifeless hulk in the darkness as they approach “I don’t see any signs of activity or power.”

Maggie announces over the ships coms “I’m going to dock in the hangar next to the Good Fortune.”

She aligns her approach with the dark hangar and matches the derelict ships rotation. Her navigation lights pierce the darkness within and reveal several large stacks of cargo containers and rows of parked shuttles. As she steadily floats into the opening, Maggie selects a clearing and settles down into position. As soon as Maggie’s landing struts touch down on the hangar deck plating, Bremick lowers the cargo bay ramp.

Bremick, with pistol on hip and rifle on his back, fearlessly passes through the atmospheric barrier shield and exhales the remaining air out of his respiratory system. He marches down the ramp and heads out into the dark hangar.

Silack watches the condensed vapor cloud quickly disperse into the vacuum of the hangar and comments through his helmet radio “Must be nice to be and android.”

Roz pats him on the shoulder as she blows a similar cloud in his face before boldly walking down the ramp behind Bremick. She radios back “Silack. Stop dilly dallying and let’s get going. The Good Fortune is docked in the next hangar.”

The feeling of apprehension comes over Silack, as he wipes the condensation off his visor. He forces his emotions aside and follows his two companions out into the darkness.
**********

 

[Bowler1]

Bremick Adonas and his companions are returning home after a long mission. Bremick, a Regent with Central Command, relaxes in the cockpit with his head cradled in the soft pilot chair and feet up on the control console. He reminisces about the mission they just completed and how he caught a stray shot from a plasma riffle as the mission was coming to a close. He looks down to check the wound on his arm and feels relieved to have scrapped by with such a minor wound. Like tiny little ants, the powdery nanite repair bots are busy at work repairing the damage to his flesh coverings and android innards. He takes a deep refreshing breath before turning his head to stare out the side window at the distant galaxies streaking by. Their colors have been distorted with a severe Doppler shift as his ship cruises through the intergalactic wormhole at incredible speeds.
The in bold, the section was not very interesting if I’m very honest. The nanite repair stuff did spark my interest. Your opening was flat for me and not very engaging.
I’m not a big fan of super-fast space travel as it feels too easy for a purest like me, a sure sign you can’t please everyone all the time.

Suddenly, Maggie, the ships AI computer, speaks over the ships coms. “Bremick. I’m picking up a faint distress signal.”
“Bremick,’ said Maggie the ships AI computer, ‘I’m picking up a faint distress signal.” – the suddenly didn’t do anything for me.

Welcoming the break in the monotony of the long boring journey, Bremick snaps into action. He sits up and puts his feet back on the ground as he eagerly asks “Where is it coming from?” – The whole first line here feels like telling instead of showing and I think could be removed in full.

Maggie displays their location and the approximate location of the signal on the view screen and replies “It’s coming from the outskirts of the Dually galaxy.”

Bremick, being a Regent, says with a sense of duty (full stop of comma missing here)(says with a sense of duty is telling and not needed) “Set an intercept course and let’s investigate.”

Maggie shudders and shakes as swings a wide arc around in the turbulent wormhole, adjusting her course for the Dually galaxy.

A moment later, Roz Gelino, a network and communications expert with Central Command, enters the cockpit. She quickly takes a seat at the controls as she curiously asks “So what’s going on? Why did we turn around?” – What does she look like?

Bremick fills her in on the details and says “Well, I better go get Silack. You have the controls.”

Roz nods in acknowledgement “You got it.”

As Bremick exits the cockpit, he adds “While you’re up here, see if you can narrow down the exact location of the distress call.” He walks down the hall to the holographic simulation room, imagining the new mission at hand. When the door to the holosim room opens, a hot blast of air rushes out. Bremick enters the room, dimly lit with a deep red glow, and can see Silack, a broker and materials specialist with Central Command, lying on a rock by the beach. The smooth stone caresses the contours of Silack’s reptilian body while his arm hangs limp off to one side. His datapad is partly wedged in the sand, and leaning against the rock just a few inches below his finger tips, as though it slipped from his grasp. Bremick looks around the beach with the water gently lapping against the shore and the giant red star hanging overhead and immediately recognizes the program as Silack’s home world of Hyziss. The sound of Silack softly snoring in the background assures Bremick everything is fine. – All this Holo stuff is interesting but is separate from the rescue mission, so do we need it here is the question I ask?

Bremick accesses the control panel and switches to Roz’s Orini ice program. The room quickly brightens up as the red sun switches to yellow and the warm sand changes to a powdery snow. The beach front transforms into a glacial flow with large chunks of ice and the air temperature quickly plummets to thirty below.

Silack jumps to his feet and stares around the room in shock. He sees Bremick standing by the door laughing at him. “I should have known it was you.” – A break in POV and head hopping by jumping to Silack.

Bremick’s laughter dies down “Time to get up, (direct address comma missing) Silack. We just received a distress call that we’re going to investigate.”

Silack grumbles with a disappointed look on his face “So much for some time off!” – This character line waters down the drama of the rescue.The two return to the cockpit just in time to see the intergalactic wormhole dissipate in front of them as Maggie slows into normal hyperspace.

Roz swivels around in her chair and looks at the two “I was able to locate and clear up the distress call, but there is no response to my reply.” She plays the message on the main holographic display.

As the image of a Barthellian, an insectoid like species with an exoskeleton, big multi-lens bug eyes and powerful mandible jaws, appears in front of them and/full stop it begins to plead for help. With the auto translation system activated, it says (comma or full stop) “I am Carther of the salvage ship Good Fortune. We were in the middle of a salvage operation when we came across an unknown life form. I have lost contact with my crew and need assistance.”

Suddenly, in the middle of his message, a dark shadowy tentacle rips the Barthellian out of view. A split second later, blood curdling screams fill the audio of the message. When the screams die out, the only sounds heard are the ominous crunching noises in the background. The message ends.
I thought this was very funny. I don’t know if this was the reaction you wanted, but I did enjoy it.

Silack, with sarcasm in his voice, says “Who needs time off, let’s go have some fun and investigate the deadly alien.” – Very unrealistic.

The hum of the hyperdrive engines dies out as Maggie shuts down her hyperdrive engines. As she drops out of hyperspace the colors of the distant Dually galaxy shift back to normal. A low rumble fills the ship as she fires up her ion thrusters and continues in route to the location of the distress call. She speaks over the ships coms “Were on final approach now. We should be there in just another minute.”

The three head down to the main cargo bay and suit up with some essential equipment. Bremick opens the main cargo bay door just as Silack finishes latching on his helmet. The three peer out through the cargo bay’s atmospheric barrier shield and see the shadowy hulk of a ship off in the distance getting larger as they approach. The tiny ship, Good Fortune, is partially docked in one of the side hangars of the huge derelict ship. – I don’t understand why you referenced the ship Good Fortune?
Silack nervously adjusts his suit and comments – this speech tag was not needed. “I’ve never liked stopping in deep space. It’s too dark, and there aren’t enough stars for a point of reference.” After sizing up the Good Fortune and the derelict ship he adds “Looks like they should have brought a bigger ship for a salvage operation of this size.”

Bremick attentively studies the slowly tumbling lifeless hulk in the darkness as they approach “I don’t see any signs of activity or power.” – If it’s dark, how does he see the ship?

Maggie announces over the ships coms missing comma “I’m going to dock in the hangar next to the Good Fortune.” – Speech tag after Maggie speaks here would have felt better I think.

She aligns her approach with the dark hangar and matches the derelict ships rotation. Her navigation lights pierce the darkness within and reveal several large stacks of cargo containers and rows of parked shuttles. As she steadily floats into the opening, Maggie selects a clearing and settles down into position. As soon as Maggie’s landing struts touch down on the hangar deck plating, Bremick lowers the cargo bay ramp. – Not enough description for me to build a mental picture of the setup here.

Bremick, with pistol on hip and rifle on his back, fearlessly - telling passes through the atmospheric barrier shield and exhales the remaining air out of his respiratory system. He marches down the ramp and heads out into the dark hangar.

Silack watches the condensed vapor cloud quickly disperse into the vacuum of the hangar and comments through his helmet radio “Must be nice to be and android.”

Roz pats him on the shoulder as she blows a similar cloud in his face before boldly walking down the ramp behind Bremick. She radios back “Silack. Stop dilly dallying and let’s get going. The Good Fortune is docked in the next hangar.” – I don’t understand this cloud stuff?

The feeling of apprehension comes over Silack, as he wipes the condensation off his visor. He forces his emotions aside and follows his two companions out into the darkness. – Head hop again.

Your speech tags need work. Description was either too much or not enough, so more control and balance is needed. A lot of telling being used here, instead of trusting the reader to keep up with you - have more faith in your readers, we’re clever people too. Your breaks in POV were jarring. It is generally accepted that you should stick strictly with one character at a time, but I have read books where this rule (there are no writing rules, but still!) has been broken (the book Shogun is a good example). Anyway, pick a character and stick with them for a section, it’s far less confusing for a reader. Grammar problems need addressing. Unlike writing rules above, grammar rules cannot be broken.

Try and stick with a character experience more. What would they see, feel, hear, smell and touch. Your writing is very visual at the moment with very little emotional connection to your characters. Get these emotional connections going and you will hook in your reader every time.

Anyway, a good deal of work ahead of you. If you really want to write you’ll take great joy in learning how to do it well. Here on this forum is the place to learn, with some very nice and very experienced people that are willing to help, if you’re willing to work. Good luck.

 

[Hex]

I think that's an improvement ASF, and I like what you're doing with it. For me, though, it still feels very distant -- like you're not in Bremick's head, but viewing things from a distance away. That can work (though I'm not a huge fan of it) but you need to be careful to avoid a sort of 'and then this happened, and then he did that, and then he did that, and then...' kind of a feel.

You seem to me to be struggling to get close to your characters, and my advice would be to work on that. You might find it interesting and helpful to write initially in first person -- maybe write the first bit (where Bremick's on his own and Maggie speaks to him) as if you were Bremick -- inside his head -- thinking about what you'd notice, how you'd feel, what the specifics are.

"He reminisces about the mission they just completed and how he caught a stray shot from a plasma riffle as the mission was coming to a close. He looks down to check the wound on his arm and feels relieved to have scrapped by with such a minor wound."

If you were inside his head, you'd know what he was reminiscing about -- what happened? He wouldn't be thinking about the whole of the mission, he'd pick some event and remember a little bit of that. The trick is to choose an event that shows us what happened in general, and shows us something about Bremick as well, so we come away with a sense of the world this story takes place in, the sort of missions Bremick takes on, and his feelings about the whole thing. Does that make sense? If you post the first person paragraph or two up, we can offer suggestions on that as well.

I think "scraped" not "scrapped", "rifle" not "riffle", as well.

 

[Avid Scifi Fan]

Thanks for the good tips Bowler. I appreciate the time you and all the others have taken to read through what must have been a painful read for you. I'll incorperate what you suggested and see if I can't write the next section any better.

Any thoughts on present tense?

I'm on the edge of changing everything to past tense. I'm just reluctant because I will have to update alot of stuff (laziness is getting the best of me).

 

[chrispenycate]

Starting another book and looking for some pointers. it's about 1000 words and I'm aiming for about 100K, so this is the very begining.

***********

Bremick Adonas and his companions kick back in their ship and relax while returning home after a long mission. Bremick watches the distant galaxies streak by out the side window. The galaxies

needs a possessive apostrophe: galaxies'

colors appear distorted with a rainbow Doppler shift

Doppler holds to near light speed while the speeds you are considering… suffice it to say that galaxies streaking by, or any starbow effects reduce the environment to cheap animation.

as they cruise through the intergalactic wormhole at incredible speeds. Maggie, the ships AI computer, suddenly speaks over the ships coms

I feel there ought to be punctuation between speech attribution and dialogue, but you are consistent with leaving it out, so I won't mention it again.

“Bremick, we just passed a faint distress signal coming from the outskirts of the Dually galaxy.”

When dialogue changes speakers a new paragraph is recommended

Bremick sits up and puts his feet back on the ground “Set an intercept course and let’s investigate.”

Maggie swings a wide arc around in the wormhole

Interesting new geometry for wormholes.

as she adjusts her course for the Dually galaxy. At that moment, Roz Gelino enters the cockpit and takes a seat at the controls as she asks

possibly "while asking"?. I didn't like the duplicated 'as she' construction, and had difficulty recognising who'd asked.

“So what’s going on? Why did we turn around?”

As previous change of speaker.

Bremick fills her in on the details and says “Well, I better go wake Silack up. You have the controls.” Bremick exits the cockpit and walks down the hall to the holographic simulation room. When the door opens, a hot blast of air rushes out of the room that’s dimly lit with a deep red glow. Bremick enters the room and can see Silack lying on a rock by the beach. The smooth rock caresses the contours of Silack’s reptilian body while his arm hangs limp off to one side. His datapad rests partly wedged in the sand and leaning against the rock just a few inches below his finger tips as though it slipped from his grasp. Bremick looks around at the water by the beach and the giant red star overhead and recognizes the program as Silack’s home world of Hyziss. The sound of Silack softly snoring in the background assures Bremick everything is fine.

Bremick accesses the control panel and switches to the Orini ice program. The room quickly brightens up as the red sun switches to yellow and the warm sand changes to a powdery snow. The beach front changes to a glacial flow with large chunks of ice and the air temperature quickly plummets to thirty below. Silack jumps to his feet and stares around the room in shock. He sees Bremick standing by the door and says “I should have known it was you.” As Bremick’s laughter dies down, he says “Time to get up, we just received a distress call from the outskirts of the Dually galaxy.” Silack grumbles with a disappointed look on his face “So much for some time off!”

Dialogue paragraphing

The two return to the cockpit just in time to see the intergalactic wormhole dissipate in front of them as Maggie slows into normal hyperspace. Roz looks at the two and says “I was able to clear up the distress call, but there is no response to my reply.” She plays the message on the main holographic display. As the image of a Barthellian, an insectoid like

the 'oid' on the end of the word already carries the sense of 'like', but I'd put a hyphen if it were 'insect-like'.

species with an exoskeleton, big multi-lens bug eyes and powerful mandible jaws, appears in front of them it begins to plead for help. With the auto translation system activated, it says “I am Carther of the salvage ship Good Fortune. We were in the middle of a salvage operation when we came across an unknown life form. I have lost contact with my crew and need assistance.”

Suddenly in the middle of his message, a dark shadowy tentacle rips the Barthellian out of the view of the holodisplay. A split second later, blood curdling screams fill the audio of the message. When the screams die out, the only sounds heard are the ominous crunching noises in the background. The message ends.

Silack looks at Bremick and Roz and sarcastically says “Who needs time off, let’s go have some fun and investigate the deadly alien.” Maggie shuts down the hyperdrive engines and drops out of hyperspace. She fires up her ion thrusters and continues in route to the location of the distress call. She speaks over the ships

ship's

coms and says “Were

We're

on final approach now. We should be there in just another minute.”

The three head down to the main cargo bay and suit up with some essential equipment. Bremick opens the main cargo bay door just as Silack finishes latching on his helmet. The three peer out through the cargo bay’s atmospheric barrier shield and see the shadowy hulk of a ship off in the distance getting larger as they approach. The tiny ship, Good Fortune, is partially docked in one of the side hangars of the huge derelict ship. Silack comments “They should have brought a bigger ship for a salvage operation of this size.” Bremick studies the lifeless hulk slowly tumbling in the sparsely lit space just outside of the galaxy and remarks “I don’t see any signs of activity or power.”

Maggie says over the ships coms “I’m going to dock in the large hangar next to the one the Good Fortune is docked in.” She aligns her approach with the dark hangar and matches the ships

ship's

rotation. Her navigation lights pierce the darkness within and reveal several large stacks of cargo containers and parked shuttles. As she steadily floats into the opening, Maggie selects a clearing

clearing? sounds like a forest, not a cargo hold.

and settles down into position. As soon as Maggie’s landing struts touch down on the hangar deck plating, Bremick lowers the cargo bay ramp.

Bremick, with pistol on hip and rifle on his back, passes through the atmospheric barrier shield and exhales the remaining air in his respiratory system. Silack sees the condensed vapor cloud quickly disperse into the vacuum of the hangar and comments through his helmet radio “Must be nice to be and

an

android.” Roz pats him on the shoulder as she blows a similar cloud in his face and radios back “Stop dilly dallying and lets

let's

get going. The Good Fortune is docked in the next hangar.” Silack wipes the condensation off his visor and follows the two out into the darkness of the hangar.

********

There's a lack of feeling of scale - from the hugeness of the cargo vessel dwarfing the scout ship, through the scale of a planet (which we never get, nor the next two orders of magnitude) dwarfing the cargo ship squared, then the enormousness of a star, and the enormousness cubed of a solar system, then at least four more exponents to get up to galaxy scale, slightly outside which (ten thousand light years? a hundred thousand?) the salvage is taking place, in a space comprising at least thousands of galaxies, the space between them dwarfing the concentrations of matter. No awe, no feeling of size - my suspension of disbelief is severely challenged.

As with the location of a distress beacon (presumably instantaneous, since you can answer it in hyperspace) so accurately as to come into Newtonian space within a few light minutes of it. Not to mention slowing down next to it. It all reads like a board game set a million years in the future, just so I can't contradict the technology.

'Maggie' seems to be the entire ship, not just the AI.

Ok, I spent a little time fixing a few things. It's still in present tense, but I tried to address everything else.

I added some more detail to the characters and adjusted the conversations. Hopefully they are a little less "cheesey" other wise I may need to add some crackers and wine to go with it (wine is sure to make it better...).

Please take a look and let me know what you think. I thank you in advance for your time and effort.

*********
Bremick Adonas and his companions are returning home after a long mission. Bremick, a Regent with Central Command, relaxes in the cockpit with his head cradled in the soft pilot chair and feet up on the control console. He reminisces about the mission they just completed and how he caught a stray shot from a plasma riffle as the mission was coming to a close. He looks down to check the wound on his arm and feels relieved to have scrapped by with such a minor wound. Like tiny little ants, the powdery nanite repair bots are busy at work repairing the damage to his flesh coverings and android innards. He takes a deep refreshing breath before turning his head to stare out the side window at the distant galaxies streaking by. Their colors have been distorted with a severe Doppler shift as his ship cruises through the intergalactic wormhole at incredible speeds.

Suddenly, Maggie, the ships AI computer, speaks over the ships coms. “Bremick. I’m picking up a faint distress signal.”

Welcoming the break in the monotony of the long boring journey, Bremick snaps into action. He sits up and puts his feet back on the ground as he eagerly asks “Where is it coming from?”

Maggie displays their location and the approximate location of the signal on the view screen and replies “Its coming from the outskirts of the Dually galaxy.”

Bremick, being a Regent, says with a sense of duty “Set an intercept course and let’s investigate.”

Maggie shudders and shakes as swings a wide arc around in the turbulent wormhole, adjusting her course for the Dually galaxy.

A moment later, Roz Gelino, a network and communications expert with Central Command, enters the cockpit. She quickly takes a seat at the controls as she curiously asks “So what’s going on? Why did we turn around?”

Bremick fills her in on the details and says “Well, I better go get Silack. You have the controls.”

Roz nods in acknowledgement “You got it.”

As Bremick exits the cockpit, he adds “While you’re up here, see if you can narrow down the exact location of the distress call.” He walks down the hall to the holographic simulation room, imagining the new mission at hand. When the door to the holosim room opens, a hot blast of air rushes out. Bremick enters the room, dimly lit with a deep red glow, and can see Silack, a broker and materials specialist with Central Command, lying on a rock by the beach. The smooth stone caresses the contours of Silack’s reptilian body while his arm hangs limp off to one side. His datapad is partly wedged in the sand, and leaning against the rock just a few inches below his finger tips, as though it slipped from his grasp. Bremick looks around the beach with the water gently lapping against the shore and the giant red star hanging overhead and immediately recognizes the program as Silack’s home world of Hyziss. The sound of Silack softly snoring in the background assures Bremick everything is fine.

Bremick accesses the control panel and switches to Roz’s Orini ice program. The room quickly brightens up as the red sun switches to yellow and the warm sand changes to a powdery snow. The beach front transforms into a glacial flow with large chunks of ice and the air temperature quickly plummets to thirty below.

Silack jumps to his feet and stares around the room in shock. He sees Bremick standing by the door laughing at him. “I should have known it was you.”

Bremick’s laughter dies down “Time to get up Silack. We just received a distress call that we’re going to investigate.”

Silack grumbles with a disappointed look on his face “So much for some time off!”
The two return to the cockpit just in time to see the intergalactic wormhole dissipate in front of them as Maggie slows into normal hyperspace.

Roz swivels around in her chair and looks at the two “I was able to locate and clear up the distress call, but there is no response to my reply.” She plays the message on the main holographic display.

As the image of a Barthellian, an insectoid like species with an exoskeleton, big multi-lens bug eyes and powerful mandible jaws, appears in front of them it begins to plead for help. With the auto translation system activated, it says “I am Carther of the salvage ship Good Fortune. We were in the middle of a salvage operation when we came across an unknown life form. I have lost contact with my crew and need assistance.”

Suddenly, in the middle of his message, a dark shadowy tentacle rips the Barthellian out of view. A split second later, blood curdling screams fill the audio of the message. When the screams die out, the only sounds heard are the ominous crunching noises in the background. The message ends.

Silack, with sarcasm in his voice, says “Who needs time off, let’s go have some fun and investigate the deadly alien.”

The hum of the hyperdrive engines dies out as Maggie shuts down her hyperdrive engines. As she drops out of hyperspace the colors of the distant Dually galaxy shift back to normal. A low rumble fills the ship as she fires up her ion thrusters and continues in route to the location of the distress call. She speaks over the ships coms “Were on final approach now. We should be there in just another minute.”

The three head down to the main cargo bay and suit up with some essential equipment. Bremick opens the main cargo bay door just as Silack finishes latching on his helmet. The three peer out through the cargo bay’s atmospheric barrier shield and see the shadowy hulk of a ship off in the distance getting larger as they approach. The tiny ship, Good Fortune, is partially docked in one of the side hangars of the huge derelict ship.
Silack nervously adjusts his suit and comments “I’ve never liked stopping in deep space. It’s too dark, and there aren’t enough stars for a point of reference.” After sizing up the Good Fortune and the derelict ship he adds “Looks like they should have brought a bigger ship for a salvage operation of this size.”

Bremick attentively studies the slowly tumbling lifeless hulk in the darkness as they approach “I don’t see any signs of activity or power.”

Maggie announces over the ships coms “I’m going to dock in the hangar next to the Good Fortune.”

She aligns her approach with the dark hangar and matches the derelict ships rotation. Her navigation lights pierce the darkness within and reveal several large stacks of cargo containers and rows of parked shuttles. As she steadily floats into the opening, Maggie selects a clearing and settles down into position. As soon as Maggie’s landing struts touch down on the hangar deck plating, Bremick lowers the cargo bay ramp.

Bremick, with pistol on hip and rifle on his back, fearlessly passes through the atmospheric barrier shield and exhales the remaining air out of his respiratory system. He marches down the ramp and heads out into the dark hangar.

Silack watches the condensed vapor cloud quickly disperse into the vacuum of the hangar and comments through his helmet radio “Must be nice to be and android.”

Roz pats him on the shoulder as she blows a similar cloud in his face before boldly walking down the ramp behind Bremick. She radios back “Silack. Stop dilly dallying and let’s get going. The Good Fortune is docked in the next hangar.”

The feeling of apprehension comes over Silack, as he wipes the condensation off his visor.

That would be ice in a vacuum.

He forces his emotions aside and follows his two companions out into the darkness.
**********

Ok, I spent a little time fixing a few things. It's still in present tense, but I tried to address everything else.

I added some more detail to the characters and adjusted the conversations. Hopefully they are a little less "cheesey" other wise I may need to add some crackers and wine to go with it (wine is sure to make it better...).

Please take a look and let me know what you think. I thank you in advance for your time and effort.

 

[Ray McCarthy]

Doppler holds to near light speed while the speeds you are considering… suffice it to say that galaxies streaking by, or any starbow effects reduce the environment to cheap animation.

No awe, no feeling of size - my suspension of disbelief is severely challenged.

It all reads like a board game set a million years in the future, just so I can't contradict the technology.

I think it's broken.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Thanks for the good tips Bowler. I appreciate the time you and all the others have taken to read through what must have been a painful read for you. I'll incorperate what you suggested and see if I can't write the next section any better.

Any thoughts on present tense?

I'm on the edge of changing everything to past tense. I'm just reluctant because I will have to update alot of stuff (laziness is getting the best of me).

HonestLy? Resign yourself to many, many rewrites and tell the laziness gene that every word you write - especially the ones you discard - takes you nearer the end goal. If it were me, I'd rewrite it into past because present is bringing no real benefit here. I'd also second Hex on the getting close, and writing a stream of consciousness. It might be surprising where it takes you.

 

[Avid Scifi Fan]

Thanks for the tips. I obviously need to do some rewrite.

Chrispenycate: The main reason he looks out the side window is this would be the only spot relative velocity would be slow enough to see anything (remember these are distant galaxies on the side). Your right, at the speeds they would have to be traveling at, anything toward the front or rear would not be visible at all. I may rethink the wormhole effect and use some other visual for the wormhole (used for great distances between galaxies), and leave the doppler effect for hyperspace travel (faster than light, intended for travel within the galaxy).

As for the stopping near the ship, I may have miss a little detail there. Maggie did drop into regular hyperspace travel , but I probably need to descibe that a little more and connect it with Roz identifying a more specific location on the signal. The ion thrusters are intended for sub-light travel and when in/on a planet.

As for ice in the vacuum vs condensation, I may just delete it. Water will exist in a vacuum, and with Silack just having left a warm environment his helmet would still be above freezing for a little while. I could replace condensation with frost, but deleting it may be better because I don't think it's adding much. My intent was to provide a feel for the environment they were walking into, but I'll have to think of something else.

While I'm at the re-write, are there any tips, suggestions or other threads I can check out on what gives a character more depth?

 

[Jo Zebedee]

It's really hard and took me ages to crack. In the end I did it by using the theatre as an analogy - you can be the director, with an overview, or the audience watching the character or the actor playing the character. To be close, you need to be the actor - so what's your character feeling, what's he's seeing etc eg At the moment you're the director - you're telling us everything that happens. I'd have something like:

Another mission over, and the same lot of s**t. Bremick rested his feet on the console and rolled his head on his shoulders, hearing the muscles crack. His arm ached, a low drag where the plasma bullet had taken him. To hell with the cramped muscles and tiredness, he was lucky to be alive.

So, it's mostly show (the arm aches, the muscles crack, he puts his feet on the console) with just a little exposition (returning from a mission, the plasma bullet) with no filter terms (here, hear is not a filter in the same sense as eg he heard Sam close the door where the filter is in the way of the action). But, crucially, it's in Bremick's head the whole time, what he's actually thinking, the actions he's doing.

But technique wise, I found it was just practice. Lots and lots of it....

 

[J Riff]

Just start in past, with 'Bremick kicked back in his ship and watched..." or whatever, and go with it. It is generally not so difficult to write as present is, especially once you get in a few K. Characters will evolve according to the story, remember that describing characters too minutely can get in the way of readers identifying with them. Tell us the story using their thoughts and dialogue when needed. *