Guilt-Trip Gertrude (240 words)

[SciFrac]

I'm toying with ways to create vivid characters, and this is one idea I had recently. Wanted a second opinion. What does this make you feel?
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Everybody was waiting for him outside, all his friends ready to leave.

“Can I join them, Mom? Is that okay?”

“Go play with your friends, dear. Don’t worry about me.” She waved him off with a huge smile.

“Oh, thank you!” He grabbed his beach towel from the bathroom.

“I’ll just be sitting here, alone in the dark,” she began, “staring into the Great Beyond without a soul in the world to comfort my brittle bones… Surely, certain death awaits me just around the corner.” She eyed him with a wistful air.

Patrick paused at the open door and turned back. He said, sheepishly, “You’re only doing laundry.”

“Quite right. No need to spend time with the sole woman responsible for giving you life. One who’s relinquished all her earthly desires just to provide for your daily wellfare since the moment of conception. Pay me no mind.”

“It’d only take a few hours, Mom...”

“Of course, my only son. What are a few hours to an old woman like me, wasting away? Busy yourself with frivolous youthful pursuits. You can always admire my picture after I’m gone.” She rocked in her chair, in a slow pathic way.

Patrick, guilty of his desires, closed the door on his friends standing in the yard. He walked back to her. “You’re right. I'll stay with you.”

“Only if you really want to, dear,” she said with a bright tone.

He nodded sadly, taking his seat on the sofa, and started folding her blouses into a tidy stack.

 

[Kerrybuchanan]

What does it make me feel? Like bopping Patrick's mum on the nose, then giving him a shake and telling him to get a life of his own.

But yes, it works

 

[HareBrain]

It is vivid, but for me it's so strong it verges on comedy. That might be what you're going for (thinking of the Monty Python thread). If not, I think you could do with toning her down a bit.

 

[SciFrac]

Like bopping Patrick's mum on the nose, then giving him a shake and telling him to get a life of his own.

Lol. That counts for something! Glad, I'm not alone. I suppose that would make a good story arc for Patrick. Thanks, Kerry.

Yes, HB, I'm going for something comedic. Not a cartoon, but a tone that is lighter for younger readers. I feel I'm getting on the right track. Appreciate your thoughts.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

Like Harebrain I found it filled with humour. Whether that was your intent I don't know. A small introduction to their setting would have anchored it better for me as it took me a reread to realise they weren't on the beach.

 

[SciFrac]

Like Harebrain I found it filled with humour.

Very good, thanks Anya. That was my intent. I'll keep playing with this style.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

I did however find it more Alan Bennett than Monty Python

 

[tinkerdan]

I'm more inclined to go with the, this makes me angry, than the lots of yuks.
It takes a lot of dialogue to bring it across and you might be able to tone the dialogue while being more descriptive about the deception as shows up in her body language.

She waved him off with a huge smile.

She eyed him with a wistful air.

She rocked in her chair, in a slow path(et)ic way.

she said with a bright tone.

Are all descriptive to only a minimal amount and I think a bit more of the body language more in tune with what she is truly doing in regards to her deception could be just as effective as the telling dialogue.
Also I'm not sure if we're to see this in his point of view or some other and that would change how the body language might be perceived. If its closer to Omniscient then we could be more privy to the deception by the body language that might in turn be interpreted in more than one way to explain why he would not notice it.

She waved him off dismissively with an insincere smile.

Her shoulders slumped and her eyes had the appearance of looking at her feet, though they were slit and made it difficult to notice how they closely watched him.

She rocked slowly while biting her lip and then swallowed while gasping almost in a whimper.

Her chin rose and shoulders moved up and back while her eyebrows lifted and a long delicate sigh sung out in self congratulatory praise.

 

[Avid Scifi Fan]

It made me wonder why she was trying to keep him from his friends.

Some parts seemed a bit formal for a conversation between parent and child...."Oh, thank you!" vs "Thanks mom"

Also, if she's doing laundry, what is she doing rocking in a chair? (Folding and stacking cloths?)

Some things may be answered by a wider view. How old is the character, who are the friends, etc.

 

[Bowler1]

You’re using a dialogue style here and background details are light. Background (what did the house look like etc.) could already have been given, so with a pinch of salt. Emotions from Patrick were light too and when done, “guilty of his desires” was used, which sounds very adult. Would Patrick think this, or is this author narrative?

I would have liked more for context. Why was Mom keeping her son in? What are her reasons and motivations?

Some telling, or what I think is telling (a wistful air - in a slow pathic way) instead of showing. To be fair however, it still worked well in this section.

A bit too strong for me, but you did get emotions going and I wanted to bop the Mom on the nose too. It’s such as short section it’s hard to get a handle on the setting, but for what you gave us, it was well done.

 

[SciFrac]

Thanks for the replies everyone. Yeah, obviously this piece would need a lot more context if I used it in a WIP. I've made revisions already, but the point of the exercise was to communicate a message entirely opposite of the actual words being said. I basically wanted to see if I could pull off some reverse psychology that's clearly understood by the reader. Looks like that part was a success anyway. I appreciate your time.

 

[tinkerdan]

Actually if you are going for reverse psychology then you need to change quite a bit.
This is out and out manipulation for the purpose of dominating someone with no clear reason why.

 

[Kerrybuchanan]

I know a Gertrude clone who behaves exactly like that and for no apparent reason. Maybe that's why I appreciated the story so much.

 

[SciFrac]

This is out and out manipulation for the purpose of dominating someone

Very true, that's a much more accurate description. Emotional manipulation. Thanks for pointing that out, Dan.

Kerry, I've known a few clones myself!

 

[JoanDrake]

To me, the mother doesn't seem believable, she's too over the top. OTOH if others believe her I might be wrong, but personally I think most mothers who are good at manipulation are also more subtle about it. She is, after all, his mother

 

[AnyaKimlin]

To me, the mother doesn't seem believable, she's too over the top. OTOH if others believe her I might be wrong, but personally I think most mothers who are good at manipulation are also more subtle about it. She is, after all, his mother

Mine is only subtle when no one else is around.

 

[J Riff]

Well I like 'pathic'.. a new word. A 'huge' smile is disconvincing.... and mebbe.. 'the woman solely responsible for giving..'
Otherwise - chortle!@*

 

[Wo7f]

I felt the mom was very selfish and I felt sad for the boy who fell for his own mother's manipulations. I probably would have done the same at his age however.

 

[SciFrac]

Well I like 'pathic'.. a new word. A 'huge' smile is disconvincing.... and mebbe.. 'the woman solely responsible for giving..'
Otherwise - chortle!@*

Didn't even catch pathic! Lol. What do you mean by "disconvincing"?

I felt the mom was very selfish and I felt sad for the boy who fell for his own mother's manipulations.

That's idea. Was trying to create a mother you love to hate, and a child you want to see change.

 

[Dan Jones]

It's certainly evocative, judging by the reactions. And characters don't have to be strong to be interesting - both characters here seem to possess a type of sickly, co-dependent weakness between them.

As for the writing, it's on the whole good. Only a couple of erroneous bits:

Patrick, guilty of his desires {I'd remove this, telling not showing}, closed the door on his friends standing in the yard. He walked back to her. “You’re right. I'll stay with you.”

“Only if you really want to, dear,” she said with a bright tone. I thought about advising removing this, but now I'm not so sure. Is she speaking in a bright tone but not smiling? That ambiguity actually makes it more sinister. I've changed my mind - I'd keep it in!