Conversation issues.

[Gawian]

In my story, I have a block of conversation between two characters. Still very WIP at the moment. I have some questions about grammar and formatting.

Here's an excerpt from the conversation.

“Kale. It’s good to see you after so long. Even in this… particular set up.” His voice was smooth, with every syllable pronounced, but it didn’t hide the worry in his voice. Ryjack was a scientist. Not used to being around such, ruthless conditions.
“Ryan Jackson. Of all the people in the galaxy I never expected to see here, you were top of the list.” Kale stated.
Ryjack turned back to the window. His shoulders slumped. “I almost didn’t come. I couldn’t think of a reason to come here. But I did anyway.”
Kale didn’t move. He looked up and down his old friend, seeing the dataslate in his hand. “Can’t exactly blame you. I take it no-one knows you’re here.”
Ryan turned around, “No. I don’t think the Alliance would approve of a lead researcher meeting their old friend turned crime lord.”
Kale scoffed, “Crime lord might be a strong title. I know that’s what the Alliance media calls me, but I just run an organisation. No different from Parliament.”
“Except your organisation kills people. Steals objects. Deals in slavery.”
Kale sighed, “I take it you didn’t just come here to scold me. So what do you want Ryjack?”

I'm wondering if I have to use new paragraphs each time the other person starts to talk?
Also, I read somewhere that if you have speech before the rest of the sentence, you have to end the speech with a comma rather than a period, even if you don't plan on continuing the sentence.

For example, seeing that as above, do I have to turn it into this....

“Kale. It’s good to see you after so long. Even in this… particular set up,” His voice was smooth, with every syllable pronounced, but it didn’t hide the worry in his voice. Ryjack was a scientist. Not used to being around such, ruthless conditions.

“Ryan Jackson. Of all the people in the galaxy I never expected to see here, you were top of the list,” Kale stated.

Ryjack turned back to the window. His shoulders slumped. “I almost didn’t come. I couldn’t think of a reason to come here. But I did anyway.”

Kale didn’t move. He looked up and down his old friend, seeing the dataslate in his hand. “Can’t exactly blame you. I take it no-one knows you’re here.”

Ryan turned around, “No. I don’t think the Alliance would approve of a lead researcher meeting their old friend turned crime lord.”

Kale scoffed, “Crime lord might be a strong title. I know that’s what the Alliance media calls me, but I just run an organisation. No different from Parliament.”

“Except your organisation kills people. Steals objects. Deals in slavery.”

Kale sighed, “I take it you didn’t just come here to scold me. So what do you want Ryjack?”

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Yes, new paragraph for new person speaking.

Some of your lines will take a comma and some a period. If the words following the speech are the dialogue attribution, it's a comma:

"Ryan Jackson. Of all the people in the galaxy I never expected to see here, you were top of the list," Kale stated.

But if it's the start of a new sentence:

"..particular set-up." His voice was smooth...

 

[Gawian]

Yes, new paragraph for new person speaking.

Some of your lines will take a comma and some a period. If the words following the speech are the dialogue attribution, it's a comma:

But if it's the start of a new sentence:

Thank you so much. Conversation has always been my weak point. Both written and verbal.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

What TDZ said. Also, can I suggest having a look in the workshop at the toolbox thread - near the end there is some stuff about dialogue punctuation? It might really help if you're struggling with. (I'd reccommend starting on page one actually, for everyone.)

 

[ratsy]

Was it just me that saw 'Chronversations' on the title?

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Sorry, had to wander off quickly. There are a couple of other comma issues related to the dialogue, and a couple I'll throw in for free.

“Kale. It’s good to see you after so long. Even in this… particular set up.” His voice was smooth, with every syllable pronounced, but it didn’t hide the worry in his voice. Ryjack was a scientist. Not used to being around such,(no comma needed) ruthless conditions.
“Ryan Jackson. Of all the people in the galaxy I never expected to see here, you were top of the list(comma)” Kale stated.(Or you could leave this one off entirely. It's obviously Kale speaking.)
Ryjack turned back to the window. His shoulders slumped. “I almost didn’t come. I couldn’t think of a reason to come here. But I did anyway.”
Kale didn’t move. He looked up and down his old friend, seeing the dataslate in his hand. “Can’t exactly blame you. I take it no-one knows you’re here.”
Ryan turned around, (This one should be a period. Turned around is not how he said the dialogue.)“No. I don’t think the Alliance would approve of a lead researcher meeting their old friend turned crime lord.” (old friend-turned-crime lord OR old friend-turned-crime-lord)
Kale scoffed, (This one is iffy -- he is scoffing, but it's a dialogue tag that would be better left out.)“Crime lord might be a strong title. I know that’s what the Alliance media calls me, but I just run an organisation. No different from Parliament.”
“Except your organisation kills people. Steals objects. Deals in slavery.”
Kale sighed, (This one should be a period. He isn't sighing the whole line.)“I take it you didn’t just come here to scold me. So what do you want(comma needed) Ryjack?”

But the dialogue reads as a reasonable conversation that conveys a fair amount of information without seeming like an info dump.

ETA: @springs What what? AND AGAIN: never mind.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Sorry, had to wander off quickly. There are a couple of other comma issues related to the dialogue, and a couple I'll throw in for free.



But the dialogue reads as a reasonable conversation that conveys a fair amount of information without seeming like an info dump.

ETA: @springs What what?

Darn. What TDZ said. It's been a long week...

@ratsy, excellent, I am mind zombie-ing you all....

 

[tinkerdan]

I definitely vote for separate paragraphs for speakers unless you have very good reason for dialogue to munged together; such as almost talking over each other.
I've been instructed on occasion that readers are more comfortable with dialogue before the tags or narrative so you might try swapping that out and you seem awfully formal here you might try switching that around a bit as I have below.



“Kale. It’s good to see you after so long. Even in this… particular set up.” His voice was smooth, with every syllable pronounced, but it didn’t hide the worry. Ryjack was a scientist and not used to being around such, ruthless conditions.

“Ryan Jackson," Kale stated. "Of all the people in the galaxy I never expected to see here, you were top of the list.”

“I almost didn’t come." Ryjack turned back to the window, shoulders slumped. "I couldn’t think of a reason to come here. But I did anyway.”

“Can’t exactly blame you. " His gaze scanned his old friend, seeing the dataslate in his hand. "I take it no-one knows you’re here.”

“No." Ryan turned with a head shake. "I don’t think the Alliance would approve of a lead researcher meeting their old friend turned crime lord.”

“Crime lord might be a strong title," he scoffed. "I know that’s what the Alliance media calls me, but I just run an organisation. No different from Parliament.”

“Except your organisation kills people. Steals objects. Deals in slavery.”

“I take it you didn’t just come here to scold me." Kale sighed. "So what do you want Ryjack?”

::
I'm not sure you can sigh words so I don't use that as a dialogue tag.

 

[jastius]

Perhaps he could 'angrily retorted, then sighed'

Dialogue is a pain sometimes.. I think most of the reason that my characters tend to be taciturn moody loners is simply to avoid writing it.. Grouchy people tend not to be so darn chatty..

Maybe these guys can help, gawain...

http://www.apastyle.org/learn/index.aspx


http://Www.chicagomanualofstyle.org

http://www.goodreads.com/ebooks/download/33514.The_Elements_of_Style

 

[J. L. Holtz]

Look at the white of the piece, most of your sentences start with the name of the person speaking or referring to the name of the person that is being spoke to, -- Kale, Ryan, Ryjack, Kale, Kale, and so on, this is a sign of novice writing, and drives readers crazy.

Only one line started without a name, one up from the bottom.

The dialogue comes across as natural. And what may be tripping you up, making you think your are having problems is the beginning of each line.

A good rule to follow is to never start a sentence with the same word or names in any 2 consecutive pages.
Thanks, and I liked it, I think it is good work and will be great when you are finished.
J

 

[mgilmour]

What I have seen done with some writing is have the tone of the actual dialogue indicate the character (Robert Jordan did this a lot). For example, if a blacksmith was speaking then they would say things like, "I'll burn his beard in me forge I will!" This instantly indicates which character is speaking without having to have a "said" and their name. You can't do this all the time as it appears unnatural but it can work.

It has helped me out when writing multiple person conversations....I really wrestle with these. From memory, Frank Herbert did a masterful job of a scene in the book Dune when there were about 15 people sitting around a dining table. He combined thoughts and speaking while all the time the reader always knew who was thinking/speaking. Come to think of it....I'll have to read that chapter again!

 

[Jennifer L. Carson]

In addition to what I saw other people say...

Kale. It’s good to see...
I would have put a comma after Kale: Kale, it's good to see...

particular set up."
set up as a noun is one word: setup

was smooth, with every
I'd delete this comma. In fact I'd recast the sentence. The verb (was) could do more work: He pronounced every sylable with the smoothness of thick velvet (or your favorite smooth thing here). Now the verb has meaning and is not a light verb like "was" is.

see here, you were top of...
Run on sentence. change comma to period or semicolon.

I take it no-one knows
No hyphen.

Alliance would approve of a lead researcher meeting their old friend turned crime lord.”
number agreement, "their" should be either "his" or "her." Hyphens (I'll echo the dusty Zebra): old-friend-turned-crime-lord.

kills people. Steals objects. Deals in...
Personally I would have made these periods into commas.

 

[HareBrain]

I generally agree with your suggestions, Jennifer, but this one surprised me.

see here, you were top of...
Run on sentence. change comma to period or semicolon.

The original sentence from the OP was:

Of all the people in the galaxy I never expected to see here, you were top of the list.

That makes sense to me. But changing the comma to a period, you get:

Of all the people in the galaxy I never expected to see here. You were top of the list.

Is that what you meant?

 

[Jennifer L. Carson]

HareBrain, I retract that one. I misread it (too much scrolling up and down to fetch the sample and too late at night). I agree that the comma belongs there. Apologies, Gawain.