A Toy Box in a Funhouse part 1

[Prescott Fry]

A Toybox in a funhouse
Here is the first part, I intend to publish an ebook on 5/1/15. I want it to be perfect before I publish so any criticism or sdvice will be duly taken.

A Toybox in a funhouse

All the insane deeds over the past three months couldn't prepare him for the moment when he stood on the tallest rock in the quarry, the black water seventy feet beneath, and the baying of k9 hounds as police waded through the woods to get him. They were getting closer and closer. Either he faced his fears and jumped, or he wound up in prison for the rest of his life.

Clay knew that his entire camp was now crawling with police investigators finding the bloody confessions of his work. They wouldn't know who the fragments of bones belonged to, or even if they were human. But soon enough, they would unfurl all the pieces, they would see that the teeth are human, then they would match the crime paraphernalia with dental and health records of about twenty missing persons throughout the western Maryland, Pennsylvania regions. It was his moment of stardom. The world would breathe his work.

He looked down and wiggled his toes over the edge. "It's easy," he told himself. "Just spread your arms and fall. Sore like an eagle."Clay felt like those words were the perfect expression of what his life felt like since he had decided to fall with, not fight against, the darkness that engulfed him since his childhood years. He didn't want to run anymore. He came to the point when he stopped struggling against the boiling torrents. He accepted the pain. An oh boy, did he dish it back tenfold.

"At the top, I think somebody is at the top." Lights strobed through the brush and thorntangles. It was now or never.

Let go, as he once did before.

Clay opened his hands wide. The moon was full, and shimmered across the water. He could see the black outline of the distant shore. The other side was his only passage to freedom.


The cool wind of the summer flapped against his clothing. He shut his eyed. Under the whistle of the breeze, he could he the growls of the dogs and the breaking of twigs under booted heels.

"They can't hurt you no more," said a little boy's voice.

Arms wide, Clay pushed off into the black.
.....

Eighteen months earlier, December fifth
"Ms. Washington, Give a brotha a bone. The landlord said I have to be out by tomorrow morning. You see, I got me a golden doodle and we're gonna be on the streets if I don't get a place ASAP!"

The lady behind the desk frowned. She rolled over to her computer. "I can't make any promises by tomorrow but I can do one more check through our system. Mr. Turner, you job simply doesn't pay enough for the an income based living on my list without having the community action starter grant that includes my background history report ."

He sat back uncomfortably in the leather chair as the old lady typed into her outdated computer. On the cluttered shelves behind sat a dusty family portrait. Mr. Washington was white headed and looked like a p ghost, just like the misses. Three Little girls were dressed like overly excited pigtail dolls. "You have an awfully lovely family, Ms. Washington. "

She peered behind her glasses. "Thank you, Mr. Turner." She rolled back to her desk. "I think I've found something that may fit you budget only if you find another part-time job."

"I'm already working six hours a day, five days a week at the distribution center." He sat upright. "I'm raking in three-hundred per week after taxes. You're telling me you can't find anything for under twelve hundred in the city where I can have access to public transportation so I can get to my job to survive?"

"Like I told you before, I can find a one bedroom with all the bare amenities for as low as nine hundred. You brought all your information here today. I can fill out your income based contract, print it, and give you a pen right now to sign the paper. But again Mr. Turner—" She leaned her elbows on the desk and stroked her scarf appraisingly. "I'm in need of some information as to your family situation so that I know definitely that there is no direct relative you may live with. Once that is clarified, I can stamp the Community action insignia and you can choose one of the other renters on my list and be out my door on your merry way."

He felt his cheeks flushing the moment she mentioned his family. He sat on his hands so she didn't see that they twitched compulsively. She starred at him, or through him, as he sensed her absorbing his palpable discomfort to the question.

"Mr. Turner.. I just need to know because of the possibility that there may be a relative willing to take you in."

"I'll show you what happened to my family—" He reached onto something on the floor and saw her recoil slightly in her chair as he set what looked like an antique tackle box on his knee. "Relax, cuz I'm half black doesn't mean I'm going to hurt you." He unlatched the two pins and pulled out something round and colored like a marble pearl. "In this urn are the charred remains of my Ma. " He laughed, "What was left from her atleast."

"Heavens, I'm so sorry Mr. Turner."

"No worries m'am, the coroner said she died instantly from the explosion on impact with one of those huge fuel trucks. Considering how brutal life is for all of us, it couldn't have been all that bad for her."

They both starred at the urn for a solemn moment before he tucked it back inside the tackle box on the floor.

"I was wondering what that box was when you brought it in. Do you always lug that hing around?"

"Whenever I can. I have various tuning instruments in there for my music equipment, and supplies in case somebody breaks down, or ever needs help."

She unfolded her hands and grabbed a pen. "You are very peculiar person, Mr. Turner." She scribbled something onto the form and he tried to lean closer to see what she was writing. "And I'm assuming you don't know your father?"

"Cuz I'm black you think I don't know my Pops? Stereotypical white person."

She stopped writing. "I never said that Mr. Turner. My questions are just part of the procedure."

"Well this procedure business is some bullsh**. " He repositioned himself in the chair. "No, I know my pops. He's doin' a thirty year at San Quentin on some sh*t he got wrapped up with his homeboys across the country. He's an damn fool to get caught up like that if you ask me "

She nodded and wrote some more. "Al—right, this should do it." She finished her sentence with an exaggerated dot and quickly signed her initials. "You sign at the bottom and you should be good to go."

He read over her cursive notes summarizing the information he had told her. He liked the part about the burning fuel truck. He shot her a toothy smile and scribbled his name. "I had no clue my grandma had loaned sixty thousand from the bank on her reverse mortgage, then I come home to get a one month notice posted on my door. This stuff had me scared for a moment. I really thought me and my dog would be living off the streets. Getting this five hundred dollar assistance grant is the one time in my damn life when both my parents being dead to my life is actually a blessing in disguise."

"You have a funny sense of humor." She pulled apart the form. "I keep a carbon copy. You get this one." She stood with her hand extended. "Mr. turner, I hope everything turns out for you with your musical career."

He stood. He accepted her handshake. He grabbed his tackle box off the floor and headed for the door. He opened the old wooden door but turned before leaving. "By the way, thanks a ton Ms. Washington."

"Don't mention it. It's my job to get twenty year olds like you off the streets so you can make something legitimate out of your lives."

He figured she probably spoke that speel to every person who walked through the door, but he left her office waving, a false smile pasted on his lips. He popped through the red, decorative doors and rose the old plaster steps from the basement of the eighteenth century stone cathedral.

Breathing fog into the cold afternoon, he stood on the cracked sidewalk, the tackle box in hand, noise of the city around, three lanes of one-way traffic flowing by at a brisk thirty five mph, pedestrians flooding the main streets, police, construction personnel, and a number of suited people moving about like busy work ants.

...(continues)

[EDITED down to 1500 words]

 

[Brian G Turner]

Just to let you know, I've edited this piece down to 1500 words for you, as required for a Critique.

It's not a bad piece, but it doesn't come across as a final draft.

The opening sentence is very clumsy and lacks the immediacy of a dramatic moment.

the tallest rock in the quarry

I don't understand this part. Where I live, I'm surrounded by quarries - they are great holes carved out from the ground. Around the edge is usually even because it's been cut from the earth. So I presumed he must be stood on a rock on the edge of the quarry - but you specifically say that's he's in it. In which case, being a quarry, it's going to be a big hole in the ground and certainly not something standing 70' in the air.

Yes, it's a very picky point - but it forms the foundation of your opening tension. Here are some images of quarries to illustrate what I mean:
http://www.bing.com/images/search?q=quarry

k9 hounds

I don't understand this either - is this an Americanism, use a use of character voice in the narrative?

Either he faced his fears and jumped, or he wound up in prison for the rest of his life.

Despite the above criticisms, this sentence is good - it gives the stakes quickly and succintly.

Clay knew that his entire camp was now crawling with police investigators finding the bloody confessions of his work. They wouldn't know who the fragments of bones belonged to, or even if they were human. But soon enough, they would unfurl all the pieces, they would see that the teeth are human, then they would match the crime paraphernalia with dental and health records of about twenty missing persons throughout the western Maryland, Pennsylvania regions. It was his moment of stardom. The world would breathe his work.

This is a bit rambling. They wouldn't know this or that, but soon they would study them, and and learn what this or that would be. Keep to the immediacy of the scene as much as possible.

Sore like an eagle

Soar.

Clay felt like those words were the perfect expression of what his life felt like since he had decided to fall with, not fight against, the darkness that engulfed him since his childhood years.

This is all very generic and unconvincing. It says that you're trying not to reveal too much - that you're trying to keep something a secret. A lot of aspiring writers try it, and it doesn't work. Authenticity has detail - generality just comes across as evasive, and in an instance like this, makes the story less believable already.

Let go, as he once did before.

Is this his thoughts and voice? If so, it's common to italicise these, otherwise it results in the narrative voice and the character voice becoming confused.

He shut his eyed.

Eyes?

Arms wide, Clay pushed off into the black.

Okay so we've reached the end of the mini-prologue of 365 words, and already POV use isn't clear, the narrative voice is somewhat clumsy, and there have been a couple of howling spelling mistakes.

Because those errors exist here, my expectation is that they will continue throughout the book, making it a difficult read.

Also - the rest of the piece isn't actually bad. There are parts of it I liked and sounded authentic. But it's all just dialogue - where's your character POV use gone? You need to read up about Third Person Limited and Omniscient points of view to better understand the technicalities of what you are trying to write. Because what you've produced so far does not suggest you understand it.

Yes, I'm being hard on you - but as you're talking about publishing I'm trying to give it to you straight. If you've completed this story that's a wonderful thing to have achieved - a great thing, really. But - like the majority of aspiring writers (and I include myself in this) - you have fallen into the immediate trap of thinking that you have completed anything but a first draft. If the work so far is typical, then this piece needs rewriting and editing to reach commercial standard.

We have plenty of resources in the Writing Resources section of chronicles. If you're serious about writing, I suggest you take a look through those threads, do a lot of reading on the technicalities, and then look at your piece again. If you do that, and learn something, you will make this piece so much stronger.

Of course, you could always just self-publish regardless as to whether you think it's the highest quality you could possibly write. But do be aware that once you self-publish, you are defining your writing standards in public.

The question is, how good a writer do you want to be? Do you think you should improve on this if you can? Read up about POV use and see if you can apply what you learn from that to make this piece stronger. And if you do, you've have completed your second draft, and have a better story. There are other technical issues to be mindful of, though - this might be worth a read.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Okay, I have teeth, and since you're hoping to publish I'll use them. Comments in bold.

A Toybox in a funhouse
Here is the first part, I intend to publish an ebook on 5/1/15. I want it to be perfect before I publish so any criticism or sdvice will be duly taken.

A Toybox in a funhouse

All the insane deeds over the past three months couldn't prepare him -pet hate but I'm not alone in it - name him? Otherwise it smacks of trying to be tricksy and I'd have the book back on the shelf. for the moment when he stood on the tallest rock in the quarry, the black water seventy feet beneath, and the baying of k9 hounds as police waded through the woods to get him. They were getting closer and closer. Either he faced his fears and jumped, or he wound up in prison for the rest of his life.

Clay knew that his entire camp okay, if you're planning to publish tightness is an issue for me a Clay knew - if you'd named him above this could go because it's veiling us from the action, and then you could say His entire camp was ..... Which is tighter and has no veil. was now crawling with police investigators finding the bloody confessions of his work. They wouldn't know who the fragments of bones belonged to, or even if they were human. But soon enough, they would unfurl all the pieces, they would see that the teeth are were, I think human, then they would match the crime paraphernalia with dental and health records of about twenty missing persons throughout the western Maryland, Pennsylvania regions. It was his moment of stardom. The world would breathe his work. Like that line

He looked down another veil. Try he wiggled his toes - much more immediate without the he looked down and wiggled his toes over the edge. "It's easy," he told himself. "Just spread your arms and fall. Sore soar like an eagle." Space missing Clay felt like those words were the perfect expression of what his life felt like two felt likes, one of which is a definite filter/veil since he had decided to fall with, not fight against, the darkness that engulfed him since his childhood years. I'm wincing at the info dump He didn't want to run anymore. He came to the point when he stopped struggling against the boiling torrents. He accepted the pain. An oh boy, did he dish it back tenfold. Totally confused here

"At the top, I think somebody is at the top." Lights strobed through the brush and thorntangles. It was now or never.

Let go, as he once did before.

Clay opened his hands wide. The moon was full, and shimmered across the water. Makes it sound like the moon is swimming somehow - shimmered on the surface of the water? He could see the black outline of the distant shore. The other side was his only passage to freedom. I'm losing interest here. Frankly, I know nothing about Clay, I don't care if he jumps or not. In fact, what I do know is pretty distasteful so I'd kind of like him to get on with it.


The cool wind of the summer flapped against his clothing. He shut his eyed eyes. Under the whistle of the breeze, he could he the growls of the dogs and the breaking of twigs under extra Space booted heels.

"They can't hurt you no more," said a little boy's voice.

Arms wide, Clay pushed off into the black.
.....

Eighteen months earlier, December fifth
"Ms. Washington, Give a brotha a bone. The landlord said I have to be out by tomorrow morning. You see, I got me a golden doodle and we're gonna be on the streets if I don't get a place ASAP!"

The lady behind the desk frowned. She rolled over to her computer. "I can't make any promises by tomorrow but I can do one more check through our system. Mr. Turner, you your - this needs a good proof read, I think ob simply doesn't pay enough for the an the or an? income based living on my list without having the community action starter grant that includes my background history report ." Very convoluted - do we need all this? Okay, sorry I'm out of time here, kiddies to bath.

He sat back uncomfortably in the leather chair as the old lady typed into her outdated computer. On the cluttered shelves behind sat a dusty family portrait. Mr. Washington was white headed and looked like a p ghost, just like the misses. Three Little girls were dressed like overly excited pigtail dolls. "You have an awfully lovely family, Ms. Washington. "

She peered behind her glasses. "Thank you, Mr. Turner." She rolled back to her desk. "I think I've found something that may fit you budget only if you find another part-time job."

"I'm already working six hours a day, five days a week at the distribution center." He sat upright. "I'm raking in three-hundred per week after taxes. You're telling me you can't find anything for under twelve hundred in the city where I can have access to public transportation so I can get to my job to survive?"

"Like I told you before, I can find a one bedroom with all the bare amenities for as low as nine hundred. You brought all your information here today. I can fill out your income based contract, print it, and give you a pen right now to sign the paper. But again Mr. Turner—" She leaned her elbows on the desk and stroked her scarf appraisingly. "I'm in need of some information as to your family situation so that I know definitely that there is no direct relative you may live with. Once that is clarified, I can stamp the Community action insignia and you can choose one of the other renters on my list and be out my door on your merry way."

He felt his cheeks flushing the moment she mentioned his family. He sat on his hands so she didn't see that they twitched compulsively. She starred at him, or through him, as he sensed her absorbing his palpable discomfort to the question.

"Mr. Turner.. I just need to know because of the possibility that there may be a relative willing to take you in."

"I'll show you what happened to my family—" He reached onto something on the floor and saw her recoil slightly in her chair as he set what looked like an antique tackle box on his knee. "Relax, cuz I'm half black doesn't mean I'm going to hurt you." He unlatched the two pins and pulled out something round and colored like a marble pearl. "In this urn are the charred remains of my Ma. " He laughed, "What was left from her atleast."

"Heavens, I'm so sorry Mr. Turner."

"No worries m'am, the coroner said she died instantly from the explosion on impact with one of those huge fuel trucks. Considering how brutal life is for all of us, it couldn't have been all that bad for her."

They both starred at the urn for a solemn moment before he tucked it back inside the tackle box on the floor.

"I was wondering what that box was when you brought it in. Do you always lug that hing around?"

"Whenever I can. I have various tuning instruments in there for my music equipment, and supplies in case somebody breaks down, or ever needs help."

She unfolded her hands and grabbed a pen. "You are very peculiar person, Mr. Turner." She scribbled something onto the form and he tried to lean closer to see what she was writing. "And I'm assuming you don't know your father?"

"Cuz I'm black you think I don't know my Pops? Stereotypical white person."

She stopped writing. "I never said that Mr. Turner. My questions are just part of the procedure."

"Well this procedure business is some bullsh**. " He repositioned himself in the chair. "No, I know my pops. He's doin' a thirty year at San Quentin on some sh*t he got wrapped up with his homeboys across the country. He's an damn fool to get caught up like that if you ask me "

She nodded and wrote some more. "Al—right, this should do it." She finished her sentence with an exaggerated dot and quickly signed her initials. "You sign at the bottom and you should be good to go."

He read over her cursive notes summarizing the information he had told her. He liked the part about the burning fuel truck. He shot her a toothy smile and scribbled his name. "I had no clue my grandma had loaned sixty thousand from the bank on her reverse mortgage, then I come home to get a one month notice posted on my door. This stuff had me scared for a moment. I really thought me and my dog would be living off the streets. Getting this five hundred dollar assistance grant is the one time in my damn life when both my parents being dead to my life is actually a blessing in disguise."

"You have a funny sense of humor." She pulled apart the form. "I keep a carbon copy. You get this one." She stood with her hand extended. "Mr. turner, I hope everything turns out for you with your musical career."

He stood. He accepted her handshake. He grabbed his tackle box off the floor and headed for the door. He opened the old wooden door but turned before leaving. "By the way, thanks a ton Ms. Washington."

"Don't mention it. It's my job to get twenty year olds like you off the streets so you can make something legitimate out of your lives."

He figured she probably spoke that speel to every person who walked through the door, but he left her office waving, a false smile pasted on his lips. He popped through the red, decorative doors and rose the old plaster steps from the basement of the eighteenth century stone cathedral.

Breathing fog into the cold afternoon, he stood on the cracked sidewalk, the tackle box in hand, noise of the city around, three lanes of one-way traffic flowing by at a brisk thirty five mph, pedestrians flooding the main streets, police, construction personnel, and a number of suited people moving about like busy work ants.

...(continues)

[EDITED down to 1500 words]

Sorry, there was more in than I expected and I'm out of time. I think this is a good first draft but nowhere near publishable quality, sorry. Brian's spot on with his warnings. Good luck with it.

 

[Ray McCarthy]

K9 hounds is a sort of double? You either have K9 or Police Hounds? As K9 is US for Police Hounds? But I'm not sure.

you do get 70' cliffs at edge of a quarry, and maybe the odd loose boulder. But never tall pillars.

 

[tinkerdan]

Hi,

I loved many of the images that are etched and scattered between all the rest. This definitely needs some work. The spelling errors alone say that you haven't done much to this since drafting it out. If you plan on publishing this soon I would definitely hope you have the first draft fully finished, because from the looks of it there will be many more edits.

I would definitely stick with canine or if you want to keep hound in there then use bloodhound. K9 is definitely one of those pre-text-ing short-hands that someone thought was cute.

You have a definite dark thing going here and noire is good, but I think one responsibility with that is to work on the grammar and the spelling and punctuation. Some people are going to walk away from this with a bad taste and think its because of all the grammar problems when it should be because the mood and tone demand more of them than the comfort zone wants to give up. I don't mind reading these types of novels; but they are executed best by someone who respects the language enough to draw the darkness without distraction. If you want to be a master at horrifying people please make the best effort and not leave them horrified with the language.

It's alright to have characters with grammar difficulties in their dialogue and you might almost get away with it if you use first person and digress a bit, but then you have to be particularly clever about how you slaughter the language and that takes first the ability and inclination to get it right.

I definitely make mistakes as I go when I do comments in forums and I thank the powers that be that I can go back through several times after to try to catch the problems.

The reason I mention that is that this does not look like a piece that is part of a whole that is finished and ready to publish. It looks more like the result of a first effort entering into the comment fields before several reads through and some editing. Only in this instance it looks like we skipped the edit phase. And if you did put a lot of time into it then I'm sorry; but it strikes me that way.

I would advise going to this forums Toolbox.
http://www.sffchronicles.com/threads/51521/
Read from front to back.

I stopped off at your website and you really need to fix each of those stories if you expect them to draw some favorable attention.
Reading the Toolbox will help with that.
All those stories have this similar tone and it's not all bad, but please back it up with attention to good form.

Keep writing.

 

[Prescott Fry]

What do you suggest I do? I haven't really ran this through a second draft but I know the concept is very very strong toward the theme I desire to convey. Currently, I am in touch with an editor and illustrator and I want to make this 5/1/15 date happen. How do I tighten up the mood?

Hi,

I loved many of the images that are etched and scattered between all the rest. This definitely needs some work. The spelling errors alone say that you haven't done much to this since drafting it out. If you plan on publishing this soon I would definitely hope you have the first draft fully finished, because from the looks of it there will be many more edits.

I would definitely stick with canine or if you want to keep hound in there then use bloodhound. K9 is definitely one of those pre-text-ing short-hands that someone thought was cute.

You have a definite dark thing going here and noire is good, but I think one responsibility with that is to work on the grammar and the spelling and punctuation. Some people are going to walk away from this with a bad taste and think its because of all the grammar problems when it should be because the mood and tone demand more of them than the comfort zone wants to give up. I don't mind reading these types of novels; but they are executed best by someone who respects the language enough to draw the darkness without distraction. If you want to be a master at horrifying people please make the best effort and not leave them horrified with the language.

It's alright to have characters with grammar difficulties in their dialogue and you might almost get away with it if you use first person and digress a bit, but then you have to be particularly clever about how you slaughter the language and that takes first the ability and inclination to get it right.

I definitely make mistakes as I go when I do comments in forums and I thank the powers that be that I can go back through several times after to try to catch the problems.

The reason I mention that is that this does not look like a piece that is part of a whole that is finished and ready to publish. It looks more like the result of a first effort entering into the comment fields before several reads through and some editing. Only in this instance it looks like we skipped the edit phase. And if you did put a lot of time into it then I'm sorry; but it strikes me that way.

I would advise going to this forums Toolbox.
http://www.sffchronicles.com/threads/51521/
Read from front to back.

I stopped off at your website and you really need to fix each of those stories if you expect them to draw some favorable attention.
Reading the Toolbox will help with that.
All those stories have this similar tone and it's not all bad, but please back it up with attention to good form.

Keep writing.

 

[Prescott Fry]

Just to let you know, I've edited this piece down to 1500 words for you, as required for a Critique.

It's not a bad piece, but it doesn't come across as a final draft.

The opening sentence is very clumsy and lacks the immediacy of a dramatic moment.



I don't understand this part. Where I live, I'm surrounded by quarries - they are great holes carved out from the ground. Around the edge is usually even because it's been cut from the earth. So I presumed he must be stood on a rock on the edge of the quarry - but you specifically say that's he's in it. In which case, being a quarry, it's going to be a big hole in the ground and certainly not something standing 70' in the air.

Yes, it's a very picky point - but it forms the foundation of your opening tension. Here are some images of quarries to illustrate what I mean:
http://www.bing.com/images/search?q=quarry



I don't understand this either - is this an Americanism, use a use of character voice in the narrative?



Despite the above criticisms, this sentence is good - it gives the stakes quickly and succintly.



This is a bit rambling. They wouldn't know this or that, but soon they would study them, and and learn what this or that would be. Keep to the immediacy of the scene as much as possible.



Soar.



This is all very generic and unconvincing. It says that you're trying not to reveal too much - that you're trying to keep something a secret. A lot of aspiring writers try it, and it doesn't work. Authenticity has detail - generality just comes across as evasive, and in an instance like this, makes the story less believable already.



Is this his thoughts and voice? If so, it's common to italicise these, otherwise it results in the narrative voice and the character voice becoming confused.



Eyes?



Okay so we've reached the end of the mini-prologue of 365 words, and already POV use isn't clear, the narrative voice is somewhat clumsy, and there have been a couple of howling spelling mistakes.

Because those errors exist here, my expectation is that they will continue throughout the book, making it a difficult read.

Also - the rest of the piece isn't actually bad. There are parts of it I liked and sounded authentic. But it's all just dialogue - where's your character POV use gone? You need to read up about Third Person Limited and Omniscient points of view to better understand the technicalities of what you are trying to write. Because what you've produced so far does not suggest you understand it.

Yes, I'm being hard on you - but as you're talking about publishing I'm trying to give it to you straight. If you've completed this story that's a wonderful thing to have achieved - a great thing, really. But - like the majority of aspiring writers (and I include myself in this) - you have fallen into the immediate trap of thinking that you have completed anything but a first draft. If the work so far is typical, then this piece needs rewriting and editing to reach commercial standard.

We have plenty of resources in the Writing Resources section of chronicles. If you're serious about writing, I suggest you take a look through those threads, do a lot of reading on the technicalities, and then look at your piece again. If you do that, and learn something, you will make this piece so much stronger.

Of course, you could always just self-publish regardless as to whether you think it's the highest quality you could possibly write. But do be aware that once you self-publish, you are defining your writing standards in public.

The question is, how good a writer do you want to be? Do you think you should improve on this if you can? Read up about POV use and see if you can apply what you learn from that to make this piece stronger. And if you do, you've have completed your second draft, and have a better story. There are other technical issues to be mindful of, though - this might be worth a read.

Thank you for you lengthy commentary. I'm going to check out all the resources now and I'm going to read them in heavy depth. There are stuff I gotta tighten up so people can feel comfortable reading.

 

[Prescott Fry]

Thank you Tinkerdan for reading my other stories also

 

[Dan Jones]

Hey @Prescott Fry well done on completing.

I won't comment on technical stuff as Brian's said it all perfectly.

This requires a serious proofread. I'm doing my best to read quite a bit of self-published stuff at the moment; as you'd expect, some of it is good, some of it is not so good. But the worst crime self-publishing authors can commit is to submit work that clearly has not been line-edited or proofread. It's sloppy, marks the writer out as amateurish and not serious about their work, and it disrespects the reader, because it shows you don't care about their experience in reading your work.

Speaking from experience, I'd be less inclined to try and hit this deadline with an inferior piece of work, and concentrate on ironing out the errors - it'll be ready when it's ready. If you're serious about the deadline, hire a proofreader as well as an editor.

These, for example, are clangers that you MUST eliminate!

Sore = soar.
Maryland, Pennsylvania = Maryland AND Pennsylvania
An oh boy = And oh boy
Shut his eyed = shut his eyes
you job simply doesn't pay enough for the an income = your job simply doesn't pay enough for the income
you job simply doesn't pay enough for the an income based living on my list without having the community action starter grant that includes my background history report ." > requires more / better use of punctuation to break this up.
looked like a p ghost, just like the misses = looked like a ghost, just like the missus
may fit you budget = may fit your budget
"Relax, cuz I'm half black doesn't mean I'm going to hurt you." > suggest "Relax, JUST cuz I'm half black doesn't mean I'm going to hurt you."
What was left from her atleast = what was left of her, at least
No worries m'am = no worries, ma'am (and isn't "No worries" a bit of an Australianism for America? Don't think I've heard Americans using this phrase, but happy to be corrected )
Do you always lug that hing around? = do you always lug that thing around?
some bullsh** = some bullsh**
He's an damn fool = he's a damn fool
"Getting this five hundred dollar assistance grant is the one time in my damn life when both my parents being dead to my life is actually a blessing in disguise." > this seems very clunky. Suggest fragmenting with better punctuation use
speel = spiel
three lanes of one-way traffic flowing by at a brisk thirty five mph > this seems a bit odd. Why do we need to know the speed of the vehicles?

The fact there are so many in the first 1500 words implies that they're not to let up any time soon in the manuscript, so it feels to me like a thorough re-read and a lot of red ink is required. There are also errors in terms of spacing and formatting here and there - keep your eye out for this.

Ok, I've been really picky.

DON'T be disheartened. The good news is: your scene is nicely set, there is a nice set up that hints something grisly to come further down the road, and we've got some nice history on our MC without it being too "telly". The characters seem interesting; Turner doesn't feel like a cookie-cutter character, even though we're only 1500 words in. He's got enough eccentricity and idiosyncrasies to make him en engaging an enjoyable narrator - if it were clean of errors, I'd more than likely read on.

But if I bought this in its current guise I wouldn't bother reading on after the first chapter because of the amount of errors, so they do need to be sorted. And I'm not the only one who would view it this way. And if you think people will forgive the technical and spelling errors because it's a good read, it doesn't work that way - they will be MORE frustrated at them getting in the way and spoiling a good read.

Good luck!

 

[Jo Zebedee]

What you do is entirely up to you - we can't tell you that. I can tell you I see no way this will be ready to go out by 1st May as a polished piece of work. At the very least, if it were me, I'd be rewriting it based on tightness. I'd also look for an editor - @Boneman is very good and does line edits as well as bigger picture.

Personally, I think you're going too fast. We've all been there - wanted to get something out before we're ready and, indeed, before we're experienced enough to know it's not ready. I, for one, would have regretted it very much if .I had - I wince enough at old crits....

 

[tinkerdan]

I don't really think the mood needs tightening::

What do you suggest I do? I haven't really ran this through a second draft but I know the concept is very very strong toward the theme I desire to convey. Currently, I am in touch with an editor and illustrator and I want to make this 5/1/15 date happen. How do I tighten up the mood?

:: at least not until you fix the spelling mistakes.

The problem is that the errors in the narrative are affecting the mood with both distraction and possible puzzlement. The character dialogue has some of the same, but this could be some colloquial dialect influence ;though I seriously doubt it. And that's where the puzzle is; the doubt.

With the electronics these days the beauty is that you can go back and check these things and fix them. When in doubt about spelling you can use a paper dictionary or an on line dictionary. If you are using slang I'd suggest you look that up in the slang dictionary do be sure you use and spell it the way it should be. There might be some slang here and I would expect that to only be in the dialogue. Some of the other posters have pointed out some of the issues and there are more, which means that you need to work on that. We don't expect everything to be polished coming into here. But the ability to give meaningful analysis is hindered when the spelling and missing letters and partial words start distracting us.

If you have anyone who can beta read for you I would suggest that; so that when you post the final you've gotten rid of most if not all of those puzzles and can be assured that the remainder are slang and should stay. That way we can concentrate on the mechanics of style and what is working and what is not.

 

[Ray McCarthy]

When in doubt about spelling you can use a paper dictionary or an on line dictionary

I find the Google search box itself is a useful tool when I can't spell the word well enough for the spelling checker.

"Did you mean ..."
"Looking up ..."

Beware of spelunking chequers putting correctly spelled wrong words. It's a pity almost none give a short meaning summary.

Be very suspicious of Grammar Checkers, they are almost always orientated to Technical or business writing and very inflexible.

Sometimes I'm in doubt as to the first letter, so I've hated paper dictionaries for 55 years. I make sure all my editors and browser have the correct English installed (US may be fine for people in USA!)!

Never limit your choice of words to ones you can spell. That was dehydrated death for me at school were it was mandatory. Hence from mid 1980s I've only used word-processing and spelling checkers (but never as I type, that slows you too much). If you use a word you rarely read or hear be sure it means what you think! Google.

 

[Prescott Fry]

Wow peoples. Thanks so much for the meaningful advice.

 

[Prescott Fry]

Hey @Prescott Fry well done on completing.

I won't comment on technical stuff as Brian's said it all perfectly.

This requires a serious proofread. I'm doing my best to read quite a bit of self-published stuff at the moment; as you'd expect, some of it is good, some of it is not so good. But the worst crime self-publishing authors can commit is to submit work that clearly has not been line-edited or proofread. It's sloppy, marks the writer out as amateurish and not serious about their work, and it disrespects the reader, because it shows you don't care about their experience in reading your work.

Speaking from experience, I'd be less inclined to try and hit this deadline with an inferior piece of work, and concentrate on ironing out the errors - it'll be ready when it's ready. If you're serious about the deadline, hire a proofreader as well as an editor.

These, for example, are clangers that you MUST eliminate!

Sore = soar.
Maryland, Pennsylvania = Maryland AND Pennsylvania
An oh boy = And oh boy
Shut his eyed = shut his eyes
you job simply doesn't pay enough for the an income = your job simply doesn't pay enough for the income
you job simply doesn't pay enough for the an income based living on my list without having the community action starter grant that includes my background history report ." > requires more / better use of punctuation to break this up.
looked like a p ghost, just like the misses = looked like a ghost, just like the missus
may fit you budget = may fit your budget
"Relax, cuz I'm half black doesn't mean I'm going to hurt you." > suggest "Relax, JUST cuz I'm half black doesn't mean I'm going to hurt you."
What was left from her atleast = what was left of her, at least
No worries m'am = no worries, ma'am (and isn't "No worries" a bit of an Australianism for America? Don't think I've heard Americans using this phrase, but happy to be corrected )
Do you always lug that hing around? = do you always lug that thing around?
some bullsh** = some bullsh**
He's an damn fool = he's a damn fool
"Getting this five hundred dollar assistance grant is the one time in my damn life when both my parents being dead to my life is actually a blessing in disguise." > this seems very clunky. Suggest fragmenting with better punctuation use
speel = spiel
three lanes of one-way traffic flowing by at a brisk thirty five mph > this seems a bit odd. Why do we need to know the speed of the vehicles?

The fact there are so many in the first 1500 words implies that they're not to let up any time soon in the manuscript, so it feels to me like a thorough re-read and a lot of red ink is required. There are also errors in terms of spacing and formatting here and there - keep your eye out for this.

Ok, I've been really picky.

DON'T be disheartened. The good news is: your scene is nicely set, there is a nice set up that hints something grisly to come further down the road, and we've got some nice history on our MC without it being too "telly". The characters seem interesting; Turner doesn't feel like a cookie-cutter character, even though we're only 1500 words in. He's got enough eccentricity and idiosyncrasies to make him en engaging an enjoyable narrator - if it were clean of errors, I'd more than likely read on.

But if I bought this in its current guise I wouldn't bother reading on after the first chapter because of the amount of errors, so they do need to be sorted. And I'm not the only one who would view it this way. And if you think people will forgive the technical and spelling errors because it's a good read, it doesn't work that way - they will be MORE frustrated at them getting in the way and spoiling a good read.

Good luck!

You're are absolutely right about the spelling and punctuation. That is the same thing I keep hearing wherever I go: don't self publish unpolished crap! Sorry I didn't give this a second read before I published to the forum. I just have som many ideas going that I'm writing faster than I can revise, which proves, to be a very bad thing. I have another story goin right now, so Im putting this on the back burner for the time being, come back to it. Thanks for your input DG jones and everybody else

 

[Prescott Fry]

I find the Google search box itself is a useful tool when I can't spell the word well enough for the spelling checker.

Beware of spelunking chequers putting correctly spelled wrong words. It's a pity almost none give a short meaning summary.

Be very suspicious of Grammar Checkers, they are almost always orientated to Technical or business writing and very inflexible.

Sometimes I'm in doubt as to the first letter, so I've hated paper dictionaries for 55 years. I make sure all my editors and browser have the correct English installed (US may be fine for people in USA!)!

Never limit your choice of words to ones you can spell. That was dehydrated death for me at school were it was mandatory. Hence from mid 1980s I've only used word-processing and spelling checkers (but never as I type, that slows you too much). If you use a word you rarely read or hear be sure it means what you think! Google.

This is a good idea because I always spell words and have no idea what the actual word is. Great tool!

 

[Dan Jones]

You're are absolutely right about the spelling and punctuation. That is the same thing I keep hearing wherever I go: don't self publish unpolished crap! Sorry I didn't give this a second read before I published to the forum. I just have som many ideas going that I'm writing faster than I can revise, which proves, to be a very bad thing. I have another story goin right now, so Im putting this on the back burner for the time being, come back to it. Thanks for your input DG jones and everybody else

Glad you found the feedback helpful, good luck with everything.

Do you have a beta reader for the novel? It's highly recommended - I've used a couple and the feedback is invaluable. If you don't I'd be happy to read it and give you a response (although if you do, please try to do a spellcheck or proofread first because I get quite badly distracted by typos).

If you already have, no worries

 

[Prescott Fry]

What is a beta reader? But definetly, if you like

 

[Prescott Fry]

If you've ever read needful things by Stephen King, this has a lot of similarities to it.

 

[Dan Jones]

I loved Needful Things! Haven't read it in donkeys years, since I was a teenager. Was one of my favourite King books though.

 

[tinkerdan]

A beta reader is someone we can trust to give the work to and have them tell us what works and what's crap::

What is a beta reader? But definetly, if you like

::it doesn't always work out that way; but you can hope and maybe give them some chocolate.

Anyway that description suspiciously sounds a bit like the people that hang around critiques; so keep writing and posting stuff here.