Query : Conveyance (Trying options)

[J.L. Borstlap]

Hey guys, I have finished a third re-write of my Novel, and know a very important part of finding an Agent is my query. Struggled with it, when I tried it after my first finished draft, but the more I write and live in my world I find it gets easier.

Posting this to see if I need improvement, or am I failing miserably???

Dear (Agent/Editor’s Name) :


I am currently seeking representation for my fantasy novel, Conveyance, completed at 89, 000 words. I am enclosing a synopsis and a sample chapter. The sequel, Reform, is nearing completion and another closing book is in the line of work.


Head guard, fighter and killer are just some of the titles Warner had to carry during his life. Never did he think one letter and the birth of his twin sons would be the cause of his death. In a world ruled by men, separated twins, Adahy, born and raised in the last native village, destined to be the Moon Warrior and Kody, raised under the new king, pushed by the death of his father, seek to find their part in the world. Little did they know Ceasal’s existence will soon rest in their hands. Finding each other in trying to save their world, the interaction between the twins and the secrets they discover is what drives this series.

Next is my Bio chapter, but I wont include it here for now...

Sincerely

J.L. Borstlap

 

[HareBrain]

You really need to go and read the Query Shark blog. I also once thought it was optional. I was wrong.

The basic idea of the query is to get the agent interested in the story as fast as possible. Your opening paragraph should only say the name of the novel, its genre, and that you are enclosing what the agent asks for (thus reassuring them that you've read their submission guidelines -- and you must only send them what they want. None of them want a "sample chapter", for example, or not for fiction. Also bear in mind that some US agents only want the query, with no actual material at all -- they'll ask for chapters if the query interests them). Even the wording "I am currently seeking representation" is unnecessary -- they know why you're contacting them. (I just use "I attach".)

So the word-count and plans for sequels etc should come after the meat of the query, which tells what the story is about. It must be instantly comprehensible to someone skim-reading it. I'm afraid, being brutal, yours isn't. The three main points in a query should be, who is the main character we're going to be following? What do they want? What's stopping them getting it? These are the driving forces of the story, and there should be something interesting about each one. The query doesn't have to give that information in such a bald, bullet-point fashion, but it should be in there.

You start with Warner, but it seems, reading on, that he is dead and that the main characters are the twins. If so, you need to put them first, and probably ignore Warner altogether. And the sentence in which you name them needs to be a lot clearer and simpler. Query shark advises sentences of 10-15 words, tops. That's really hard, but it's worth trying.

I hope that's some help. Queries are very difficult to do well, which means that if you do one well, it will stand out. Watching other people's getting mauled (and praised) on Query Shark is well worth your time.

 

[J.L. Borstlap]

Thanks for the reply HareBrain, appreciate it, will be reading query shark allot from now, get my query in tip top shape.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Right, so since I'm having to dust off my query-shoes, I'll have a wee teethy at this. I think some of the bones are there, but you're missing a few tricks and some of it could be clearer.

Dear (Agent/Editor’s Name) :

Insert

Conveyance - fantasy - 89,000 words

and do away with the paragraph below. This is because people read email more and more on smart phones etc and you want this info to be easily seen. Also, don't mention sequels at this stage - that's for when they love your work and make the Call. You can just say the book has series potential later and leave it at that (and make sure this one, if it had to, could standalone if possible)

You could if you wanted at the top say why you're subbing to them, it shows you've done your research. Common ways to do that include I noted you represent xyz and hoped you would consider my work, or I noticed on #mswl you were looking for fantasy which.... (and do follow MSWL - manuscript wish lists - from time to time because agents do pay attention to something that might match.)


I am currently seeking representation for my fantasy novel, Conveyance, completed at 89, 000 words. I am enclosing a synopsis and a sample chapter. The sequel, Reform, is nearing completion and another closing book is in the line of work.


Head guard, fighter and killer are just some of the titles Warner had to carry during his life. Never did he think one letter and the birth of his twin sons would be the cause of his death.
I got confused. The one letter got me because I didn't know if it was a postal letter or if he was missing a letter in one of his titles, or something. (I think it's probably a postal type one.) I'd also rather know about him and why I might be interested in him than all these fancy titles. Also, if he's going to die and the story is about the twins, then I think the query should be about them. (I've been in this awkward position with a father/son story which starts with the father but is the son's story, and the query ended up starting and finishing with the son.)

In a world ruled by menwhy is this relevant? separated twins, Adahy, born and raised in the last native village, destined to be the Moon Warrior and Kody, raised under the new king, pushed by the death of his fatherthere are so many clauses in this sentence, I'm getting lost in who's who and why I need to know, seek to find their part in the world. Little did they know Ceasal’sand Ceasal is what - the world, the town, their father, their mother? existence will soon rest in their hands. Finding each other in trying to save their worlddidn't understandd this, the interaction between the twins and the secrets they discover is what drives this seriesBut that doesn't tell me what the story is, or really hook me.

A quick attempt because I should really be working:

Seperated twins, Adahy and Kody face vastly differing futures. Adahy, raised by the last natives of Ceasal, is destined to be their Moon Warrior, whilst Kody is raised as the new king's son. What they can't know is that the fate of Ceasal is in their hands, and to save their world they must find each other, and in so doing, themselves.

I think it needs more to make it hooky but I don't know what the story is, so am not sure what the hook is.



Next is my Bio chapter, but I wont include it here for now...

Sincerely

J.L. Borstlap

Good luck with it: they're utterly hellish to write. I see by the way @HareBrain and I are disputing where to put the info about the story. No agent will get too excited if it's at the top or bottom, provided they can find it easily.

Edit - and yes, read Queryshark. All of it...

 

[tinkerdan]

Here is a query that was successful::
http://blog.nathanbransford.com/2009/07/anatomy-of-good-query-letter-iii.html
:: it may or may not help