Kids arguing. Needs sentence help.

[SciFrac]

My ensemble cast is debating an acquaintance. How would you write this?

"But you're consorting with the emeny! I mean emeny. Emana... ugh. Sorry, ENEMY. There we go... You're consorting with the enemy!"

 

[Droflet]

Hello SciFrac,
It would depend on their ages. This might work with youngsters but if their into their teens, hmmm? Context is important. At this stage has this been building for a while? Are they nervous or agitated? Out of context it's hard to judge. Perhaps if you placed this in Aspiring Writers with a bit more meat on it we could give a better opinion. IMHO,

 

[SciFrac]

Hey, Telford. It's a middle-grade book, so the kids are 10-12 years old. Context is not crucial here, I'm just trying to capture a specific moment where this kid struggles to pronounce the word "enemy" correctly. I want it to be funny, so I'm examining the rhythm of this particular sentence. Mods, if this should be moved, then by all means...

 

[TheDustyZebra]

I'm not sure about "consorting", as far as that goes. My kids (especially my 12-yr-old) have good vocabularies, but I don't think "consorting" would work its way into conversation, unless (and this may be the case for your story) they've heard it in connection with what they're talking about now.

Assuming it's ok, how about something like this, to emphasize the probably-familiar struggle with that word:

"But you're consorting with the emeny! The emeny ... ugh! --N--M--E, enemy! You're consorting with the en-em-y!"

 

[LittleStar]

I think TDZ has the right idea, kind of phonetically spelled out, in very determined and specific sounds. You might even consider dropping the second 'consorting with the enemy' and just finish it up after the correction.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Quick poll, my pretty well spoken kids -

10 year old didn't know consorting
15 year old didn't know exactly, but had grasp of the concept.

 

[Mouse]

Having a similar sounding word, or a word which sounds like it should mean that (consorting) might be good to switch to, and it makes it funnier again. Example - I was watching something yesterday (okay, okay it was a cartoon) and after a fight one of the characters says, about the performance of the other characters, "That was sporadic!" and the other character replied, "That doesn't mean that!" (Or words similar to that, you know along the Princess Bride lines) and it cracked me up. Kids do do that. Use words in the wrong context.

 

[Fishbowl Helmet]

I tend to agree. Have them stumble over consorting rather than enemy. Good chance for a funny malapropism if you're so inclined.

 

[Laeraneth]

Agreed, I like the verbal messiness (I've used some in my own work though that's from a foreign-language point of view) but consorting would be more complex to my mind than enemy.

That said, if you've already established the person in question is very bright, but just occasionally stumbles on certain words, I could totally accept it all

if you want to get really modern cringey teen-speaky, you could probably say "but you're hanging with the emeny..." (etc)

(If someone with teenagers could clarify if they DO talk like that these days, that'd be good. My info is several years out of date )

 

[Juliana]

But consorting isn't the sort of word you'd trip up over, while enemy certainly is! Remember the scene at the start of Finding Nemo where he struggles to pronounce anemone?

 

[SciFrac]

Mouse, you're hilarious. I may steal that little voice of yours. "That reminds me, I was watching a historical documentary last night, well okay, it was a cartoon. But it said...."

But consorting isn't the sort of word you'd trip up over, while enemy certainly is!

Exactly. I also think the disparity between someone who knows "consorting" but can't pronounce a five letter word adds to the humor. If Ron or Hermione did that, I think most readers would accept it. I substituted "playing" but it doesn't punch very well. Although, I suppose an adult could say this sentence. Kids love laughing at adults!

Here's a revision:
“But you’re consorting with the emeny! I mean emeny. The enema… ugh. Sorry... N-M-E, there we go. You’re consorting with the enemy!”

 

[Hex]

My older son (*) still says "emeny" (also, "aminal"). He knows what "consorting with the enemy" means and would use it in a sentence (I just checked), so I would really like your proposed sentence, and find it funny. My younger son didn't know.

(*) He's eight, but has a good vocabulary. Since he's just about to be diagnosed with dyslexia, I think, I shall take my language-related triumphs where I can find them.

 

[Juliana]

From Finding Nemo: Amnemonemomne

 

[SciFrac]

"Okay, okay, don't hurt yourself." LOL

 

[Juliana]

Best teacher ever.

 

[mosquiter]

I'd put 'In cahoots with' instead of 'consorting'. I think one of the kids from Snicket's Unfortunate Events used this phrase, and it sounds like something kids would say. Unless they want to say 'consorting' to sound smart, and they heard the word only recently.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

My five and eight year olds have speech delay. The eight year old might use consorting but wouldn't bother correcting himself when he emeny because he knows he can't say enemy - one day it will come out right. It's because of his speech delay he has such a wide vocabulary because he would search in his mind for the words he needed to say that meant the same as the one he couldn't.

 

[Phyrebrat]

Here's a revision:
“But you’re consorting with the emeny! I mean emeny. The enema… ugh. Sorry... N-M-E, there we go. You’re consorting with the enemy!”

I think it spoils the meter when it's that long. Have you considered removing what I've put in red, and italicising the last word? Seems to flow better to my ears...

pH