Yep, there's still some clunkiness in there. I'll see what comes out naturally in the early story before I decide what to keep in I think. 
Shiny and new but does it make any sense? - 800 words
- Thread starter Jo Zebedee
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The new version comes across much more powerfully Springs, a like it a lot. Much cleaner.
There's still a bit of descriptive confusion (gantry and gantries - Anna is going up one of the four and then there are 10 cages on top of a gantry - so what is happening there?) Unfortunately I now have an image of the scene setting - and the passage works very well with my image - but I'd wonder if someone coming fresh will again get confused with gantries, rigs and squares. IMHO it still needs a sentence, at the very least, saying exactly what Anna is observing so that the reader can orientate themselves.
There's still a bit of descriptive confusion (gantry and gantries - Anna is going up one of the four and then there are 10 cages on top of a gantry - so what is happening there?) Unfortunately I now have an image of the scene setting - and the passage works very well with my image - but I'd wonder if someone coming fresh will again get confused with gantries, rigs and squares. IMHO it still needs a sentence, at the very least, saying exactly what Anna is observing so that the reader can orientate themselves.
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