Is this punctuation okay? Is it just preference?

[Phyrebrat]

Hi,

I'm hoping the punctuation gurus <cough, Chrispy, cough> can shed a little light on these two speech-y things in my latest short, Bad Leg.

In one scene, the MC is thinking about a domestic incident the previous night (previous sentence given for context):


...a little cairn of broken crockery - the dinner plates which had been on the tray he'd thrown at her last night.

'I'm sorry, babe. I shouldn't let things get to me. Do you forgive me?' Apologetic face. Just the right amount of admonishment mixed in to make it clear it was her fault.
'It's okay...' Not looking at him. Playing with the cuffs of her track top.
'I'll clean it up. And order a takeaway.' Complete change of mood.
Her: silent.
Sun rays dressed his offer, beaming at her like it was her reward. A reward for tolerating him.


The bit I'm querying is the absence of tags and stylised attribution.

And secondly,

I have this line which is kind of reported:

...and when she'd asked Mike he'd offered her a dozy shrug and told her the clock was right and go back to sleep, babe.

Again, is this mongrelised version of reported speech okay as I've just stylised it for voice? I purposefully omitted the 'to' before go back to sleep.

Thanks

pH

 

[TheDustyZebra]

The first one is fine with me.

I'm waffling about the second one. I think with the "babe", it's right the way it is. Without the "babe", you would want the "to".

He told her, "the clock is right." So, reported, he told her the clock was right.
He told her, "go back to sleep, babe." So, reported, he told her, "go back to sleep, babe." You're just leaving out the quotes.
As opposed to: he told her, "go back to sleep." So, reported, he told her to go back to sleep.

If that makes sense.

"Dozy shrug" being offered makes me think it's some kind of a sweater he gave her. "Shrugged dozily", perhaps? I know, people hate -ly words.

I, personally, would also use a comma earlier in the sentence: "...and when she'd asked Mike, he'd offered her...", but it's probably one of your UK things.

 

[HareBrain]

Both fine as far as I'm concerned. The mongrelisation isn't technically correct, but it works well.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I didn't blink.

 

[Mouse]

Also reckon it's fine.

Also, yay! You're writing it!

 

[LittleStar]

Right or not, (i don't see anything wrong, but i'm no expert) I very much enjoyed it. I had to re-read twice to notice that you didn't put in the 'to' before 'go back to bed'. So i guess that works

 

[The Judge]

Fine for both. Nice and voice-y.

 

[Phyrebrat]

Thanks everyone, I am pleased - and rather surprised - that it didn't jar (more likely is the reputation I'll get for being a misogynist for some of the stories coming out of my mind lately...however, with @Mouse on board, I know I'd get a kick in the a*** if I crossed any lines).

"Dozy shrug" being offered makes me think it's some kind of a sweater he gave her. "Shrugged dozily", perhaps? I know, people hate -ly words.

I, personally, would also use a comma earlier in the sentence: "...and when she'd asked Mike, he'd offered her...", but it's probably one of your UK things.

Good call on the comma! Amended. However, I curse you for making me spend hours agonising over whether a dozy or a shrug sounds more sweater-ish. I can imagine both as synonyms;

'He pulled off his dozy'

'She pulled her warm shrug tight against the winter chill'

I hope you're happy!

pH

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Ha! Well, it's "shrug" that is a word for a sweater-like thing -- kind of a half-length sweater that covers the shoulders. I have no idea what would make one dozy.

 

[Ray McCarthy]

Eats, shoots and leaves.

I know a shrug (dozy or not body language) is unrelated to a Shrug that's worn, that's like a small knitted cape or half length waist coat. It's only useful for bare shouldered dress really.

 

[J Riff]

It's fine. You could mix it around and it would still be okay.
'I'm sorry, babe. I shouldn't let things get to me. Do you forgive me?' Apologetic face. Just the right amount of admonishment mixed in to make it clear it was her fault.
'It's okay...' Not looking at (me). Playing with the cuffs of her track top. 'I'll clean it up. And order a takeaway.'
Complete change of mood. Her: silence. Sun rays dressed his offer, beaming at her like it was her reward. A reward for tolerating him.

 

[HareBrain]

Too much consensus in this thread. Boring! So I'm going to backtrack. Here's how you need to write that second bit to technically correctify both the tense and the reported speech aspect:

..and when she had asked Mike, he had offered her a dozy shrug and had told her that the clock was right and that she ought to go back to sleep, to which suggestion he had appended the endearment 'babe'.

 

[Phyrebrat]

Harebrain, I love it!

I am now going to have to rewrite the MC from 'Amy' to Frasier Crane.

pH

 

[tinkerdan]

This all read quite well for me.

Hi,

I'm hoping the punctuation gurus <cough, Chrispy, cough> can shed a little light on these two speech-y things in my latest short, Bad Leg.

In one scene, the MC is thinking about a domestic incident the previous night (previous sentence given for context):


...a little cairn of broken crockery - the dinner plates which had been on the tray he'd thrown at her last night.
::This could use a comma before which, but it would also read better with that instead of which::

Everything in between was quite clear: the narrative between did an excellent job of keeping us focused on who was speaking.


...and when she'd asked Mike he'd offered her a dozy shrug and told her the clock was right and go back to sleep, babe.
:: this bit could use a comma after Mike for pause and possibly a semi-colon or even a colon before babe.(those probably are a bit stylistic.)