Explanations and improvements of our hundredses

[chrispenycate]

The seventy fives and three hundredses have their dedicated threads, and the rigid rules preventing a writer from explaining what (s)he was intending what was intended, before voting was terminated, carry across slightly less formally to our slightly less formal devination of styles, tics and habits - not that we're all that successful there.

Which in itself is an interesting statistic. The lack of correct guesses for my piece tells me that my style is no longer something wildly eccentric, and that I could even consider collaborating.

So, starting off the comment-requesting; I have no experience in horror, hardly ever reading it, let alone trying to write. So I chose subtle - mayhap too subtle, from the dearth of shortlisting. I thought the actual occurrence clear, if never evident - was I mistaken?

Menu​

She cheated on me, with my own money, and didn't even deny it, trying to blame me. So what else could I do? After, I called a family meal.

"I'm afraid I'm cooking," I told the assembled kids. An appreciative giggle; they'd always enjoyed nights when daddy cooked. "Your mother's left me, no forwarding address. I've done a stew, with dumplings."

"Mother's gone? After thirty years together? I could never do that to a lover." Marga, my eldest, cuddling my grandson, spoke for them all.

"Oh, there's more of your mother in you than you might imagine, girl."

​

 

[Ray McCarthy]

Or there will be after supper, Eeek!
Where is my mind bleach.

 

[Zoe Mackay]

So, no, it's perfectly clear what's going on. (To a fault)

I had three major problems with it - the first is that the reaction of Marga just seems really bland and it doesn't make sense. The second is that it sets up as a twist ending, only I knew what was going to have happened: Why, there they are both, baked in that pie whereof their mother daintily hath fed.

The third problem is that I thought it was problematically stereotypical in its gender roles, and I really hated the last "girl" - it's such a derogatory way to refer to someone who's clearly a grown woman. It left me with a little bit of a nasty taste in my mouth (pun intended)

The writing's tight enough, though.

The best horror, in my opinion, is the sort that's not just trying to scare or revolt people, but is an exaggeration of existing fears, often in an unexpected direction.

 

[Cat's Cradle]

Chris, I liked it, and thought it was effective. As Robert said, it was clear from the first paragraph what the story would eventually reveal, but I wasn't really expecting a twist ending, so much as I hoped for an effective, *POW* of a last line, and I thought you pulled that off extremely well. I see Robert's point about the father's calling his grown daughter 'girl' (the last word of the story)...I agree it's derogatory, but it seemed to me as if--possibly--it was used intentionally, and purposefully by you, as an added little reveal about the family dynamics for this group..the father truly is a terrible person (although perhaps he's never wanted the kids to see him that way). I don' think it's your best work, but it's a very solid entry, I think, for someone who doesn't write horror. As to my not noticing your style in this piece...I will say only that I expect an erudite and sophisticated use of language in your pieces; I would think it would have been extremely difficult to display such talents in a tale with this subject, and POV; just a thought!

 

[Dan Jones]

Well done Chris on posting the thread.

I liked the story too - I've just come to the thread but upon reading it I recalled it instantly, which hopefully is a good sign! - but I guess it may have been a tad telegraphed.

I half agree with Robert re: the use of the word "girl" - to me it felt almost dirty, almost sordid, but definitely intentional. In this warped family dynamic I thought it worked well. If it left Robert a sour taste in Robert's mouth I'd say take that as a compliment, considering the type of story you wrote.

As for why it didn't get any votes, who can say? There's no way of knowing the answer (if we knew how to get votes we'd all be doing it), but I think because even though it was a rancid tale, it wasn't unpredictable, and it went where we expected. But as CC says, perfectly solid entry.

While I'm here, why not tear shreds off my entry? This one got a single vote, from the incomparable @Tywin. Like you Chris, I'm no horror writer, but I was quite pleased with my entry. My thoughts were I left slightly too much held back, especially in the last line "as her hands get to work" - or did people get what I was getting at?

Comfort

Reaching out of the battered Camaro trunk, she caresses his stubbly face. He looks troubled. Such a good boy!

“We can’t stay here, boy.” She nods toward the burning house. “Not after what we did to them folks.”

“I’m scared, momma.” His lip trembles.

“Need a hug?”

Nodding, he hauls his huge body into the trunk and shuts it. The chassis groans in protest at the weight. In the dark his breath is fetid and sweet – the smell of stale nachos – on her skin.

As her hands get to work, she sings: “hush little baby, don’t say a word…”

~

 

[Victoria Silverwolf]

I thought this was an effective psychological chiller. I like the fact that you left what exactly is going on to the reader's imagination, which is much more powerful than spelling it out. My interpretation:

Spoiler

That the mother was sexually active with her son, to calm him down.

 

[Dan Jones]

Correct Victoria, thank you. Glad I wasn't being overly obtuse about it.

 

[Tywin]

That one made my skin crawl. I'm not sure I really liked the story - the repetition of "boy" in the first and second lines grated on me a bit, as did the "hush little baby" song at the end, but overall I felt like if it made a strong enough impression on me to get my attention, then it was worth a vote.

What I liked:
- The imagery of the vehicle groaning under his weight as he gets in the trunk
- The bizarre/craziness of whatever the hell is going on there. Has me wondering if mama is a corpse, or some supernatural creature... or worse, just some weird old lady in a trunk that gives her mentally-ill son handjobs to calm him down.

What I didn't like:
- Boy-boy-boy... as I said, that kind of grated on me
- "Fetid" the word just seems really overused, especially in fantasy and horror genres.
- "Sweet"... Okay, so I'm not sure what a sweet smell smells like. Coupled with fetid, I have no idea what this smell is, anything I would suspect to be a 'sweet' smell, wouldn't in my mind be fetid.
- "The smell of stale nachos" These I do know the smell of. It doesn't fit for what I think of as fetid (like a swamp or something... maybe rotting roadkill) or sweet.
- "Hush little baby"... creepy and weird, but it didn't seem to fit with the action. It makes me think she was rocking him to sleep, but then that doesn't really fit her hands getting to work. As mentioned earlier I would have liked it hinting at something far more creepy.

 

[Dan Jones]

Thanks for the crits, Tywin. The repetitions and contradictions seem daft now you've pointed them out, and that's something I'll have to keep an eye out for in future, but dang, if you voted for it even with the glitches then I must have done something right. Cheers.

 

[Tywin]

Oh yeah.

 

[jastius]

The sevenYorkshire...and three hundredses have their dedicated threads, and the rigid rules preventing a writer from explaining what (s)he was intending what was intended, before voting was terminated, carry across slightly less formally to our slightly less formal devination of styles, tics and habits - not that we're all that successful there.

Which in itself is an interesting statistic. The lack of correct guesses for my piece tells me that my style is no longer something wildly eccentric, and that I could even consider collaborating.

So, starting off the comment-requesting; I have no experience in horror, hardly ever reading it, let alone trying to write. So I chose subtle - mayhap too subtle, from the dearth of shortlisting. I thought the actual occurrence clear, if never evident - was I mistaken?

Menu​

She cheated on me, with my own money, and didn't even deny it, trying to blame me. So what else could I do? After, I called a family meal.

"I'm afraid I'm cooking," I told the assembled kids. An appreciative giggle; they'd always enjoyed nights when daddy cooked. "Your mother's left me, no forwarding address. I've done a stew, with dumplings."

"Mother's gone? After thirty years together? I could never do that to a lover." Marga, my eldest, cuddling my grandson, spoke for them all.

"Oh, there's more of your mother in you than you might imagine, girl."

I liked it chrispy.. The voice with the girl bit sounds very yorkshire
I didn't do guesses.. I am abysmal at guessing games.
Horror is not my thing, and it really creeps me out.
Reminded me of fried green tomatoes where the missing guy was barbecued up and served to the federal agents. But done inserted deftly into a spirit of cozy normality...
Like poltergeist.
Sweeny todd..
Jeffrey Dahmer..