Oh dear God....

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Cat's Cradle

Time, now, to read...
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A person's life is constructed in part by a series of choices...one such is whether to cower in fear, or throw terror to the wind and post a piece for critiquing. I had promised someone ages ago (when I thought I might attempt this writing thing) that I would put up a story excerpt at 1,000 posts; I promised the same, very publicly, recently. The problem is I don't write--I didn't think I'd be able to, after recently making that attempt; all I've written since school in the 80s are my Chrons challenge entries, a short story since joining, and 1.5 Secret Santa stories.

And oy, I am writing now, aren't I? It's out of terror, and the attempt to delay the posting... I have, though, decided to put up a section of a SS story...the excerpt is around 900 words. The title of this approx. 12k-words story is The Honest Truth About Tuffy Tufttail. I was asked by my SS recipient to write the story of a young female squirrel who is a ninja in training...she also has a pet dragon. Tuffy Tufttail is her name, of course. :) I'll mention that in the story the term 'ninja in training' is abbreviated as nit, and is used as a derogatory term against first year students (nitwits is another variation of this acronym, and is also an insult). I would be interested in anything you folks have to say...no need to hold back on me. I wonder is the writing clear...the grammar? Does the character seem real, and interesting? And..what is this? What I mean is, is it YA..or what? Finally, would anyone in the world be interested in reading such a thing? So, here we go--Tuffy, btw, is sitting in the ninja school's kitchen peeling carrots after being punished by a teacher, and reflecting on life as a nit (I'll check back sometime today...next month...whenever I get my nerve back! Also...I REALLY like long sentences!:)):

************

But things never seemed to work out for her, and she would probably admit in her more reflective moments that sometimes—just possibly—she was responsible for her own misfortunes. There was the time recently when her weapons instructor, Nutcheek Shinyfastfoot, had given a homework assignment: students were to bring in a wrought sugarcane crafted from their own design and workmanship for the next day’s class. It had seemed an impossibly simple task to Tuffy, and after class she had gone to the vast garden plot the school maintained on campus and picked the tallest, thickest stalk of sugarcane she could find; back in her dorm room she splayed the thicker end of the cane, then carefully trimmed and shaped it to resemble a bouquet of tiny wildflowers; she was very pleased with the results, and had visions of praise from her instructor, and of the envious reactions of her classmates at her consummate carving skills.

The true misfortune that befell Tuffy the next day in class was the odd curse of fate that led her weapons instructor to call her first to show and tell her homework for her classmates. She walked to the front of the school room, and proudly held out her shaft of crafted sugarcane for the other nitwits to gaze on in abject jealousy. She began to describe the difficulties of properly capturing the fine delicacy of the morningstar buttercup using the clumsy carving tools available to students. But after a few moments she slowly lowered her work in bewilderment as laughter exploded throughout the room. Tuffy looked from one face to another of her peers in embarrassed confusion, then chanced to look on the desktop of a student in the front row—there she saw what was surely a pawcrafted weapon, a small throwing star; she looked from table to table in the room, and on each a roughly worked star sat idly, awaiting its chance to be shown, and told about; and then the truth of the assignment dawned on her—it was to create a throwing star..a shuriken, not a sugarcane. The red fur on her face and body puffed out in reflexive horror as Tuffy realized the magnitude of her mistake..her public humiliation: this would surely become a legendary story amongst her classmates..perhaps the entire school, once word got out. This error in listening--she had to have been daydreaming, as always, when the assignment was given, and had simply misheard the directions--had led to the most embarrassing moment of her life. She was mortified.

Unfortunately for Tuffy it happened that this was to be a very short-lived most-embarrassing-moment-in-a-life moment. Tuffy had long suspected instructor Shinyfastfoot of disliking her intensely (possibly because of the time she had unthinkingly shot his cherished, bronze-plated, 3rd prize award-arrow for archery excellence at the Furasian Ninja Games into the sky in a tremendous windstorm; it was never seen again); now, rather than sitting her down and calling another student to present their shuriken in an attempt to lessen her embarrassment, he abruptly grabbed a bamboo jousting staff and called out “Defend yourself!” As the mantra of his training was that a ninja squirrel had always to be ready to defend oneself at a bare moment’s notice, and with any item readily at paw, Tuffy had no choice but to immediately strike a ninjutsu pose, brandishing only the sugarcane as her weapon and her defense.

Shinyfastfoot spent the next 5 minutes tapping her on the head, shoulders, and bottom with the hard bamboo staff, as she flailed helplessly about with the sugarcane in a ridiculously futile attempt to ward off his blows. He spun and twisted about her, escaping her sad counterattacks with remarkable ninja grace, while tip-tap-tupping nearly every inch of her with his accursed bamboo staff (in truth, the sugarcane never once even brushed his tunic). Finally, as the clapping and jeering and laughter in the room reached an incredibly loud crescendo, Shinyfastfoot stopped, and called for silence.

“And there, class, proof that a sugarcane is totally useless in defending oneself from an armed attacker. Tufttail, back to your seat..you’ll present a 15 minute lecture tomorrow in class on the importance of the rigid discipline of attentiveness. And Tufttail,” he called, just as she reached her chair, “kitchen duty this evening after homework. I want sugarcane cleaned for the entire student body’s breakfast tomorrow before you go to bed tonight.” The class broke their silence, and renewed laughter soured her mood even further. (Tuffy had wished she had never lost that stupid bronze-plated arrow in the windstorm—she would love to have snapped it in two right then, and thrown the pieces at his feet.)
 
Well done for braving the storm!

I liked this, and found it very entertaining. The combination of pre-school stuff like fluffy squirrels with ninja training makes it odd to place. I'd say YA is the last thing it was. If it stayed like this, it would be younger. But there's something about the narrative voice that almost suggests irony (with its slight over-the-top childishness of them eating sugarcane) at the same time as sincerity, and it also feels a bit like manga/anime -- especially if it were to become quite dark or develop adult themes. That could work quite well in my opinion, but it might not be anything like what you have in mind for it. It's different, anyway!

My main focus on improving this section would be to vary the lengths of your sentences and paragraphs, because, by God, you're right; they are long. Some of them qualify as epic. I have no problem with long sentences, but I still think you need variety. I've split your text into sentences below so you can see how long they all are (apart from one -- more like that, please!) Rather than just split them into shorter sentences, some of them could be much condensed without losing any meaning.

But things never seemed to work out for her, and she would probably admit in her more reflective moments that sometimes—just possibly—she was responsible for her own misfortunes.

There was the time recently when her weapons instructor, Nutcheek Shinyfastfoot, had given a homework assignment: students were to bring in a wrought sugarcane crafted from their own design and workmanship for the next day’s class.

It had seemed an impossibly simple task to Tuffy, and after class she had gone to the vast garden plot the school maintained on campus and picked the tallest, thickest stalk of sugarcane she could find; back in her dorm room she splayed the thicker end of the cane, then carefully trimmed and shaped it to resemble a bouquet of tiny wildflowers; she was very pleased with the results, and had visions of praise from her instructor, and of the envious reactions of her classmates at her consummate carving skills.

The true misfortune that befell Tuffy the next day in class was the odd curse of fate that led her weapons instructor to call her first to show and tell her homework for her classmates.

She walked to the front of the school room, and proudly held out her shaft of crafted sugarcane for the other nitwits to gaze on in abject jealousy.

She began to describe the difficulties of properly capturing the fine delicacy of the morningstar buttercup using the clumsy carving tools available to students.

But after a few moments she slowly lowered her work in bewilderment as laughter exploded throughout the room.

Tuffy looked from one face to another of her peers in embarrassed confusion, then chanced to look on the desktop of a student in the front row—there she saw what was surely a pawcrafted weapon, a small throwing star; she looked from table to table in the room, and on each a roughly worked star sat idly, awaiting its chance to be shown, and told about; and then the truth of the assignment dawned on her—it was to create a throwing star..a shuriken, not a sugarcane.

The red fur on her face and body puffed out in reflexive horror as Tuffy realized the magnitude of her mistake..her public humiliation: this would surely become a legendary story amongst her classmates..perhaps the entire school, once word got out.

This error in listening--she had to have been daydreaming, as always, when the assignment was given, and had simply misheard the directions--had led to the most embarrassing moment of her life.

She was mortified.

Unfortunately for Tuffy it happened that this was to be a very short-lived most-embarrassing-moment-in-a-life moment.

Tuffy had long suspected instructor Shinyfastfoot of disliking her intensely (possibly because of the time she had unthinkingly shot his cherished, bronze-plated, 3rd prize award-arrow for archery excellence at the Furasian Ninja Games into the sky in a tremendous windstorm; it was never seen again); now, rather than sitting her down and calling another student to present their shuriken in an attempt to lessen her embarrassment, he abruptly grabbed a bamboo jousting staff and called out “Defend yourself!”

As the mantra of his training was that a ninja squirrel had always to be ready to defend oneself at a bare moment’s notice, and with any item readily at paw, Tuffy had no choice but to immediately strike a ninjutsu pose, brandishing only the sugarcane as her weapon and her defense.

Shinyfastfoot spent the next 5 minutes tapping her on the head, shoulders, and bottom with the hard bamboo staff, as she flailed helplessly about with the sugarcane in a ridiculously futile attempt to ward off his blows.

He spun and twisted about her, escaping her sad counterattacks with remarkable ninja grace, while tip-tap-tupping nearly every inch of her with his accursed bamboo staff (in truth, the sugarcane never once even brushed his tunic).

Finally, as the clapping and jeering and laughter in the room reached an incredibly loud crescendo, Shinyfastfoot stopped, and called for silence.

“And there, class, proof that a sugarcane is totally useless in defending oneself from an armed attacker.

Tufttail, back to your seat..you’ll present a 15 minute lecture tomorrow in class on the importance of the rigid discipline of attentiveness.

And Tufttail,” he called, just as she reached her chair, “kitchen duty this evening after homework.

I want sugarcane cleaned for the entire student body’s breakfast tomorrow before you go to bed tonight.”

The class broke their silence, and renewed laughter soured her mood even further.

(Tuffy had wished she had never lost that stupid bronze-plated arrow in the windstorm—she would love to have snapped it in two right then, and thrown the pieces at his feet.)

And whilst there's no problem with it lacking dialogue in a section this length, I'd hope that the rest of the story would contain more variety in that kind of thing.

One detailed comment:

it was to create a throwing star..a shuriken, not a sugarcane

You've described the throwing stars on the other students' desks, so I think you don't have to explain again, just: "It was to create a shiruken, not a sugarcane" is snappier.

Your two-dot ellipses are ... non-standard.
 
I rather like it. And I think your challenge record shows you do write, and do so very well. :) I agree with Harebrain, some of these sentences are monsters. Now, I do like me a long sentence or ten, but they do slow a reader down and I think here there are too many in one piece, and some breaking up would help the pace along.

And well done for putting it up!

Go you!

J.
 
:) Thank you HB & springs! I am kind of glowing now with the excitement of having gotten responses, and so it's too scary to try and digest them...I shall do so later, when the fright/adrenaline wear off. HB, thank you for taking a whack at adjusting the paragraph lengths. And you both are absolutely right about the long sentence...I was kind of shocked when I re-read this, in considering/preparing to post. Okay, back into hiding, but thank you! CC
 
Hi Cat's, well done for taking the plunge!

Well, I said I'd give this a good reading, and I'm a man of my word (unless there are extenuating circumstances), so here we go!

I don't have a problem with long sentences per se - I am guilty of such things so far be it for me to judge, but I do find that, as Springs said, breaking up the longish sentences with some shorter, staccato beats helps to keep the reader on their toes. It'd be the same if all the sentences were short; they'd need some longer ones to keep the flow up. Harebrain's spot on.

Arguably the biggest culprit is the behemoth that is:

Tuffy had long suspected instructor Shinyfastfoot of disliking her intensely (possibly because of the time she had unthinkingly shot his cherished, bronze-plated, 3rd prize award-arrow for archery excellence at the Furasian Ninja Games into the sky in a tremendous windstorm; it was never seen again); now, rather than sitting her down and calling another student to present their shuriken in an attempt to lessen her embarrassment, he abruptly grabbed a bamboo jousting staff and called out “Defend yourself!”
I mean, phew! Thank goodness for the semicolon!

Moving on, I think it's great. The subject matter is so specific it would be easy to get caught up in ninja-style details but you've put Tufty in a situation where we all can empathise - school - and made Tufty an interesting and engaging companion for the story; and who hasn't been embarrassed upon giving a public presentation? So right there is something most people can empathise with.

Nothing to report in terms of typos; grammar and spelling and punctuation were all spot on - but as you're a proofreader I expected that ;)

I'd probably have a personal preference for more dialogue, but I think that's just taste. We certainly got a good idea of what was going on inside Tufty's head, and some may argue that's more important.

As for the target audience, I must admit I'm at a bit of a loss. Young naturist Manga fans? Bill Oddie's Japanese lodger? I'm really not sure. But I wouldn't get too hung up on that; if the writing is good enough people would read it.

Good stuff! :)
 
:) Thanks DG, you're very funny! Wow, I honestly hadn't noticed that that one bit was entirely one sentence! I think anyone reading that might have passed out from lack of oxygen if not for the semi-colon! And thanks for your kind words. I do have more dialogue in other places; perhaps another day I'll have a glass of wine, and see about posting another excerpt. As mentioned earlier, I'm a bit too rushy now to deeply consider all the terrific suggestions, but soon I will have a long sit and see if I can change the piece around to make the sentences less behemothy! :)
 
Congratulations on the 1000th! :D

This is fabulous. I don't know what it is, but it's certainly something, and I laughed my tail off at it. The others have already covered everything else, so all I have to say is that I love it!
 
Between laughing at the thought of nudist hares and enjoyment of the actual story I forgot to read it critically the first time. On the second reading I can't find anything to criticise except what has already been pointed out: varying sentence length and a bit of dialogue, please.

It is a brilliant story and I can possibly see it aimed at the same age-group as the first Harry Potter.

Loved the mental image of the unfortunate nit trying to defend herself with a beautifully carved sugarcane.

Well done for plucking up the courage and posting this critique. I really hope we do see more from you now you've taken the initial plunge.
 
At present I am not critiquing (just lurking and reading) as my ME is bad again but I had to say:

"A person's life is constructed in part by a series of choices...one such is whether to cower in fear, or throw terror to the wind and...."

This is a killer opening line for any piece.
 
:) Good golly, you all are very nice! Dusty, Kerry, Anya...such nice words, such kind thoughts, thank you. This is all so...surprising, and inspiring. When I wrote this for the SS event, I had a decent outline for the entire story, and then cobbled together a first draft to meet the deadline. Maybe I should dust the thing off, and try to write a more fully-realized first draft. I'm not sure of how to write short sentences though. :) Perhaps I could approach the thing as though it were a series of 75 word challenges. I might post, soon, a second excerpt with more dialogue, just to see if that sounds okay. Thank you all again for the nice words! CC
 
Last edited:
Anything needs edited by someone else.
Just write! (and read lots).
Then maybe you'll get sentience (Sentence Length Control), from your Editor's feedback & correction.
Do it all, then proof read on a different layout or paper or screen (I'm amazed what I see reading my stuff on Kindle DXG).

But take my advice with pinch of salt. I'm not published yet.
 
But take my advice with pinch of salt. I'm not published yet.
No, but you have such amazing drive, Ray, I can't imagine you never will be. And, as always, your advice sounds perfectly reasoned, and very useful, thank you.
 
As with all the others, I really enjoyed this piece, CC. It's written very well, and your character comes across very well, I certainly empathised with her, and pretty quickly established eomathy as well.

The long sentences weren't something that bothered me, I don't tend to notice things like that (big paragraphs on the other hand, I did notice, and aren't my preferrence), but once pointed out you can see at the here're are some behemoth ones hanging around. Places like the fighting with the instructor would do well with short, snappy sentences, to help with the action, and dotted around the rest of thoiece would help quicken the pace in general.

The only critique I would have, and it's a small thing considering that is whole section is a reflection on past events and I assume would be explored in the rest of the story, is that there isn't much in the way of current character... Because it's all reflection. And for the exact same reasons, it's all reported and therefore tell-y. But that didn't stop me from thoroughly enjoying the piece.

Good work for someone who says they 'don't write' :)
 
Thanks so much, LittleStar. Those are really interesting thoughts--a lot more to think about.

After a few days when I dare try to digest what everyone's said, I will come back here and ask a few questions...I think I have a few good instincts when it comes to writing, but I honestly don't at all understand the finer points. For example, when a story is geared toward non-adults, primarily (with the hope still that adults might enjoy it), is it okay--even important--to tell a bit more than one would in a story aimed specifically at adult readers? Does a younger crowd need a bit more telling? Part of the telliness of the entire story (and there is quite a bit) is that it's a draft...I got stuck in the SS that month trying to write a 1k story...that turned into a 12k story...that I knew as I was writing needed to be much longer..maybe 30-40k..to add more characters/characterizations...more world-building...more dialogue, etc. And I don't know if I have it in me to properly attempt such a long piece, and hold the narrative thread throughout (and sustain the tone, etc). It amazes me that people can do these things, really...but maybe it's, in part, a matter of practice...maybe a person can learn these things, without properly understanding them at the beginning of the writing journey.

But thank you all again for taking the time to read this excerpt, and to give such thoughtful, thought-provoking replies on it. :)

ps--I know the best way to learn about a genre is to read within the genre...but I kind of like the thought of writing something that might seem, as HB mentioned, different. I wouldn't want to influence a story by actively trying to fit it into a genre's parameters...if it's a weird story, that seems okay to me. Is that a bad way of looking at things?
 
I think that there is a point/age where the telling becomes more of an issue (I almost wrote problem, but I don't agree with that, I think there are times when telling is better or nessecary in adult fiction) and the closer to this point, the more forgiving the reader is. I think it's fair enough to think that they need to be eased into adult fiction, which is i sunppose where the YA comes in, but I also think its easy to underestimate readers and their ability to figure stuff out and just not give them enough credit for being smart enough to follow a showing piece of writing.

In something aimed at children and adults, then I might expect something with a littler more depth. Telling on the outside, but looking deeper to the parts where you get shown things. Looking to the emotions and hidden subtext which allows the adult reader to glean what they want/need from a text, while keeping the younger readers entertained with the face value of the story. This is often, I think, where the darker elements of stories come out, something like Coraline (might be a bad example, but my brain isn't working to week today, not to mention that I haven't actually read it, so I'm blagging and risk exposing my literary ignorance) where you have the tell-y face value story of the girl trying to find her family and get back to the real world, but under all of that you have the darker, hidden stories of abductions and child abuses that younger readers might not see for their full worth.
Everyone, feel free to completely correct me with regards to the story of Coraline :p

Echoes of a recent thread now... I think it's a rare person that comes into the writing game knowing how to finish a story. We all have to learn and practice, and still get it wrong a half a hundred times before we improve and can say something is complete. It does take time and effort, the same as everything else, but I for one enjoy the journey, looking back at my olr works and finally being able to pick out what it is that I did wrong, or why something doesn't work as well as I thought it did at the time. But I think everyone has that ability to learn.

As for genre, i personally don't have a genre I've discovered. I was just talking yesterday to someone about how I would have called myself a fantasy writer, but I don't just write fantasy anymore. The stories I get are what I write, my current wip is a romance, i have two more romance plotted largely in my head. I have written historical fiction in Meiji Japan. I do have mostly fantasy and sci fi stories, but they are all equally relevant and for me they need to be told. I don't try and transpose the story into a fantasy world just for the fun of it. So I would just call myself a writer now I think.
So I write the sotry and find the genre, rather then the other way around.

:)
 
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