Opening Otherworld Book 2

[Ray McCarthy]

Does this work as opening?
Don't have a working title yet.
I suspects this needs scrapped and I need to start again.

Donal, Neamhain, Kevlin and Alice got a taxi to Patrickswell, which had four Raths, but only one could be used as a portal. Alice had a lot of packages and bags.


Of course when they got back hardly a few hours had passed.


"What's in the stuff?" said Kevlin


"Experiment," said Alice, "Dad says it might work."


"Dad?"


"I've decided I need a mum and dad," said Alice, "so Grandpa is going to be Dad. My real mum thought he ought to. Neamhain, I mean Niamh, is going to be my mum. She hasn't agreed. But I'm telling everyone she is my Mum. I don't expect Niamh and Drothnin to marry or fall in love. That's not needed?"


"No," agreed Kevlin. He wondered though was this a bit soon after losing her dad, then mother and home.


"Does Niamh know what you plan?"


"Oh yes," said Alice grinning, "She used a lot rude words."


Since most people had no idea where Alice had sprung from, nor indeed Niamh, as she was keeping her identity as Neamhain, one of the sisters of the Morrígna, secret, Alice won. Within a day Niamh was explaining that Alice was her daughter, and yes Drothnin was her father. Niamh was quite delighted to discover that Drothnin hadn't actually agreed to pretend to by Alice's father, only look after her, and was just as annoyed with Alice's plan.


Anrhi and Bill emerged from their cocoons after 5 days. Lahro had speeded up the process as much as possible as Anrhi was undernourished and Bill might otherwise die without the enchanted sleep. Lahro was sure that the metamorphosis had healed Bill. He was very disorientated, but fine.


Anrhi and Bill met in the day room.


Bill grinned.


"Thanks for saving my life, Anrhi," he said, "what now, flying lessons?"


"I've honestly no idea," said Anrhi,"I can see why my ancestors gave this up! doorways are not tall enough and it's very awkward having your hands on the edge of wings.


"It's a bit like a bat at home, but the colouring is more like a butterfly."


Soon Ghiloric, Alice and Kevlin came in.


"Is the scary Megra well?" said Bill.


"Oh, she had to go home," said Kevlin, "She's probably going to be Empress, they are making her the heir apparent. You're well?"


"The idea worked perfectly, except that I'm a rare adult form Dryad, along with Anrhi."


"The wings are pretty though," said Alice, "yours too Anrhi, are you well too?"


"Maybe a bit girly," said Bill.


"I've never felt like this," said Anrhi, "Also my magic is sharper and stronger, I suspect I can do healing better and other Mage stuff."


She stood back and extended her wings. The coloured dots and bands glowed for an instant.


Kevlin realised that Anrhi and Bill were not quite as tall. Bill was fat, really fat, he'd have to diet to get his weight to match his new body.


Lahro stood in the doorway.


"That's enough for today. You can meet again tomorrow. Don't either of you thing of flying, you both need recovery, Anrhi is underweight and Bill, well, Bill I think, if we tried to change you to human, you'd be a very short fat one. We need for you to see, right as a Dryad."


"I think as I'm staying, I don't mind being a Dryad," he said, "what year was it back home?"


"It was 2014," said Alice, "we were there over a month and hardly gone at all. My mum died, she was a bit ill and old. We couldn't find much about your family, it's 44 years later when we were there. My younger sister's children are nearly grown up."


"Who is going to look after you?" said Anrhi.


"My grandfather Drothnin has agreed to be Dad and Niamh,who is really Neamhain, one of the sisters of the Morrígna has agreed to be my mum."


Kevlin laughed.


"She told people that Drothnin and Niamh are really for real her parents!"


"Alice," said Anrhi, "you really need to stop with the lies and be honest! Surely no-one believed her?"


"But they do!" laughed Ghiloric, "She speaks perfect Lounthian without Glamour and made up a whole fake childhood. Drothnin and Niamh are snared."


"But they aren't married?" said Anrhi.


"Apparently," said Kevlin, "Alice doesn't require that. She was explaining to me the potential advantages of belonging to two households. The only other news really is that I met my dad yesterday and we are quite reconciled. He's made his marriage and my paternity public."


They all exchanged hugs and Lahro chased the visitors out of the Infirmary.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I think you need to slow it down and keep us with you. Show them entering the rath, what it looks like, if there's anything in the air around it. At the moment, this seems mostly tell with little character experience, if that makes sense?

 

[Ray McCarthy]

Nothing to see about Rath.
Just a focus point. One step here next step back in Otherworld. You can't actually go in to them. Like the Dolmen in first book. This one only needs dusk and magic.

Yes. You're right though, as it stands it's probably baffling to anyone not read 1st book, though they supposed to work on their own.

this seems mostly tell with little character experience, if that makes sense?

Can you elaborate?

I feel this start / opening is all wrong, but can't put my finger on it. Maybe need to pick a different point in the story to start. Like the War band, Alice, Kevlin and two others coming to Ireland, then Alice, Kevlin and two others return leaving War Band here.

Or perhaps the entire thing doesn't work.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

So your first sentence tells us they got in a taxi to Patrickswell and that Alice had a lot of bags - all statements, which don't make us feel part of a scene (imagine being at the theatre and the narrator telling you all this but not seeing it on the stage?)

A show would be something like:

The taxi drew up, sloshing through the gutter, and Kelvin opened the door wide enough for Alice to push past him. She set her first bag in the well of the seat, shuffled along the back seat, and nestled the rest around her.

"Where to?" The taxi man already had the meter running. Kelvin glared at him, hustled Donal and Nemahain into the car, and got into the front.

"Patrickswell." It had to be there - with its four portals, it was the only place that made sense.

Can you see that that's more like the actors being on the stage and us watching them and getting immersed through them? That's what you're aiming for with showing.

 

[Ray McCarthy]

with its four portals

Four Raths*, only one a Portal focus.

OK, So I need to re-write start. Understand, thanks. Fell into trap of Summary. What I have then reads more like my notes on what I need to write about and not like a story!

(*Actually there may be more than that, must check map)