Avid Scifi Fan
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- Dec 12, 2014
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This is a typical action scene, several chapters into the rewrite. Someone sabotaged the main chracters ship and was trying to kill them.
POV should be a close third with Bremick to start and then switches to close third on Beth.
I was aiming for some tension with Beth between her fear of spiders and then going adrift. I wasn't sure if it was too abrupt or was missing something. (spoiler: everything works out fine, so don't worry about the characters...)
I tried to clean up some of my past writing errors in the rewrite, but I was hoping you would point out the ones that slipped through.
******
After watching a few uneventful orbits go by, with no signs of anything following them, Bremick stood up from his chair and pat Roz on her shoulder, "I'm going to go check on Beth and Jake and see how they're doing."
"I'll give you a call if I find anything."
He strolled down the hall and entered the observation lounge. Jake and Beth were at the table attaching the completed scope to Jake’s rifle. He the sun immediately drew his eyes to the observation windows. It was directly in front of the ship with no planet in sight. With energy in his voice, he called to Roz and Silack over the coms. "We're not in orbit anymore!"
Roz crackled back over the coms, "Yes we are. I can see the planet below us".
Bremick looked at Beth and Jake, “when did we leave the planet?”
“It was there about ten minutes ago. Then we slowly changed course. Why, is something wrong?”
“Suit up, something’s not right.” Bremick ran out of the observation lounge and down to the personnel ramp.
He smacked the control and the ramp opened into space. When the gap opened and started venting air out into space, Maggie extended the hull re-enforcing fields to cover the opening and retain the atmosphere.
Beth and Jake grabbed their helmets and slipped them on. They activated their suits and could hear their respirators purr to life.
Bremick climbed to the bottom of the ramp and peered out into space. The planet was the size of a ball and slowly shrinking behind them, confirming their course had changed.
Silack, with bubble shield around his head, appeared next to him at the bottom of the ramp, "This isn't good. What do you suppose happened?"
“I don’t know, but I’m willing it had something to do with that shadowy figure we saw.” He called out to Roz on the coms, "I just confirmed we're off course. We need to start troubleshooting."
He ran up the ramp and went straight for the AI core room. The door wouldn't open. He asked Maggie, “open the door to the AI core room.”
“It is open.” she replied.
With a blank face and no sign of a smile, Silack looked at Beth and Jake, "I never saw this happen to Maggie before."
The coms rang with Roz’s voice, "Bremick, there is something interfering with navigation and ship sensors. I've tracked it to the forty third data junction on the bottom deck, outside the hull."
"I'm on it." Bremick replied. He turned to Silack and Jake, while he points at the AI core room door, “Get that door open even if you have to cut it open!”
Bremick motioned to Beth, "Come on. I need your help. Bring your fabrication beam."
With her eyes opened wide, the only thing visible to anyone outside her helmet, Beth froze as she stared at Jake. Her respirator purred like a kitten as her rapid breaths sped up the cycling.
Jake reassured her, “Don’t worry, you'll be fine. Just stay with Bremick.”
She climbed down through the force field at the top of the ramp. As she entered the vacuum of space she could feel her suit getting stiffer as it held in the air pressure.
An eerie silence instantly set in, only broken by the sound of her breathing. Descending to the bottom, the vast emptiness of the space around her was contrasted sharply by the harsh sun rays reflecting off of Maggie’s hull.
Bremick was in the process of opening a panel on the belly of the ship several yards from her position. His toes and knees were sticking to Maggie’s plating with the magnetic anchor points on his suit.
Remembering her training, she activated her maneuvering thruster and leapt off the ramp in Bremick’s direction. She felt the vibration from the exhaust when they activate, but heard nothing except her fast pace breathing and pulse. Floating by the hull, her legs dangled freely above tiny planet far below. As she drifted next to Bremick, she fired her thrusters again and came to a stop.
With the latches undone, Bremick lifted the hull panel off and let it float nearby.
Beth peered into the into the data junction and immediately tensed up. Shivers ran down her body and she froze in place. She pulled her hands back to chest and flailed her leg in an attempt to get away, but it had no effect. She gasped and let out a scream as she thought ‘Spider!’
This was no ordinary spider. It was the size of a dinner plate and made of metal. Long spindly legs protruded from the center mass and clamped on to the various lines within the data junction. Sharp fangs had bitten into several of the cables as though they were sucking out the juices.
Bremick pulled out his pistol and aimed at the small droid that was tapped into the ships control center. Without a sound, a bright flash of high energy plasma shot out from the gun and slammed into the target. A shower of molten metal and broken bits silently flew out into space. He surveyed the damage for a few seconds before he ripped the remnants of the broken droid out of the system. With some molten parts of the droid still glowing red at the edges, he tossed it away from Maggie into space.
Beth calmed down and began to breathe easy again as the dead droid disappeared into the background. Her com system broke the silence and she heard his voice, “Roz, there was a small droid in the forty third data junction tapping into the systems.”
He looked at Beth and pointed into the junction at the mess of shredded cables. “Do you think you can start repairs?”
She nodded and activated her tool. She aligned the first cable and the beam began its work. First it joined the wire core with a few back and forth sweeps of the beam. With a few more strokes it re-jacketed each strand until the entire cable was mended.
Roz broke the silence, "I'm still having trouble regaining access to the controls. I may have to disconnect Maggie and tap in manually."
With the sizzling of the plasma cutter in the background, Silack shouted, "We almost have the doors open, just a few more inches to cut through. It's a good thing Roz is small, or we would be cutting all day."
Focusing on the repairs inside the junction helped Beth forget all about the where she was. Just as the last cable was joined back together, a bright fiery trail shot out from Maggie’s ion thrusters and lit up the space behind them.
Maggie quickly accelerated and began to pull away from Beth and Bremick. Beth reached for the edge of the junction opening, but it pulled out from under her finger tips before they could get a proper grasp. She clawed at the hull as it started to speed by, but the magnetic anchors in her gloves weren’t strong enough to overcome the force. With the hull plating zipping by at an alarming rate, she frantically scratched at the every inch with the hopes of regaining a grip. The smooth plating continued to slip by with increasing speed until Maggie’s belly pulled upward and away near the engines, leaving Beth floating in space.
Beth saw the rapidly approaching exhaust plume from the ion engines and fumbled for the controls of her maneuvering thrusters. Beth's heart pounded as she slowly accelerated off to the side, but there was not enough time. The super heated gas jet quickly out paced her and soon engulfed her entirely.
The silence was broken by the roar of the exhaust as the turbulent gases thrashed her about and blew her deeper into space. Her shields lit up like beacon as they strained to fend off the assault. Some of the radiant heat from the high energy ions penetrated her shields and scalded her body through her suit.
As the distance from Maggie increased, the plume slowly dissipated. The thunderous roar of the ion thrusters died down to a quiet breeze and eventually the eerie silence settled back in. Her smoldering suit quickly cooled and stopped smoking.
The stars spun all around Beth as she tumbled through space. It didn’t take long for the nausea to set in. Not wanting to vomit in her suit, she used her thrusters to stabilize her position and align the planet below her. She looked around and saw the last hint of Maggie’s silhouette vanish into the blinding sunlight. She scanned around for Bremick, but saw no sign of him anywhere. With her voice quivering, she called out on her suit's coms, "Bremick! Where are you? Roz, can you hear me?" She paused for a moment, but there was no reply.
She looked at the tiny ball of a planet below her feet and couldn’t tell if she was moving toward or away from it. She turned up the heat in her suit and quietly floated. Her respirator purred away, providing a brief interruption in the emptiness.
*****
POV should be a close third with Bremick to start and then switches to close third on Beth.
I was aiming for some tension with Beth between her fear of spiders and then going adrift. I wasn't sure if it was too abrupt or was missing something. (spoiler: everything works out fine, so don't worry about the characters...)
I tried to clean up some of my past writing errors in the rewrite, but I was hoping you would point out the ones that slipped through.
******
After watching a few uneventful orbits go by, with no signs of anything following them, Bremick stood up from his chair and pat Roz on her shoulder, "I'm going to go check on Beth and Jake and see how they're doing."
"I'll give you a call if I find anything."
He strolled down the hall and entered the observation lounge. Jake and Beth were at the table attaching the completed scope to Jake’s rifle. He the sun immediately drew his eyes to the observation windows. It was directly in front of the ship with no planet in sight. With energy in his voice, he called to Roz and Silack over the coms. "We're not in orbit anymore!"
Roz crackled back over the coms, "Yes we are. I can see the planet below us".
Bremick looked at Beth and Jake, “when did we leave the planet?”
“It was there about ten minutes ago. Then we slowly changed course. Why, is something wrong?”
“Suit up, something’s not right.” Bremick ran out of the observation lounge and down to the personnel ramp.
He smacked the control and the ramp opened into space. When the gap opened and started venting air out into space, Maggie extended the hull re-enforcing fields to cover the opening and retain the atmosphere.
Beth and Jake grabbed their helmets and slipped them on. They activated their suits and could hear their respirators purr to life.
Bremick climbed to the bottom of the ramp and peered out into space. The planet was the size of a ball and slowly shrinking behind them, confirming their course had changed.
Silack, with bubble shield around his head, appeared next to him at the bottom of the ramp, "This isn't good. What do you suppose happened?"
“I don’t know, but I’m willing it had something to do with that shadowy figure we saw.” He called out to Roz on the coms, "I just confirmed we're off course. We need to start troubleshooting."
He ran up the ramp and went straight for the AI core room. The door wouldn't open. He asked Maggie, “open the door to the AI core room.”
“It is open.” she replied.
With a blank face and no sign of a smile, Silack looked at Beth and Jake, "I never saw this happen to Maggie before."
The coms rang with Roz’s voice, "Bremick, there is something interfering with navigation and ship sensors. I've tracked it to the forty third data junction on the bottom deck, outside the hull."
"I'm on it." Bremick replied. He turned to Silack and Jake, while he points at the AI core room door, “Get that door open even if you have to cut it open!”
Bremick motioned to Beth, "Come on. I need your help. Bring your fabrication beam."
With her eyes opened wide, the only thing visible to anyone outside her helmet, Beth froze as she stared at Jake. Her respirator purred like a kitten as her rapid breaths sped up the cycling.
Jake reassured her, “Don’t worry, you'll be fine. Just stay with Bremick.”
She climbed down through the force field at the top of the ramp. As she entered the vacuum of space she could feel her suit getting stiffer as it held in the air pressure.
An eerie silence instantly set in, only broken by the sound of her breathing. Descending to the bottom, the vast emptiness of the space around her was contrasted sharply by the harsh sun rays reflecting off of Maggie’s hull.
Bremick was in the process of opening a panel on the belly of the ship several yards from her position. His toes and knees were sticking to Maggie’s plating with the magnetic anchor points on his suit.
Remembering her training, she activated her maneuvering thruster and leapt off the ramp in Bremick’s direction. She felt the vibration from the exhaust when they activate, but heard nothing except her fast pace breathing and pulse. Floating by the hull, her legs dangled freely above tiny planet far below. As she drifted next to Bremick, she fired her thrusters again and came to a stop.
With the latches undone, Bremick lifted the hull panel off and let it float nearby.
Beth peered into the into the data junction and immediately tensed up. Shivers ran down her body and she froze in place. She pulled her hands back to chest and flailed her leg in an attempt to get away, but it had no effect. She gasped and let out a scream as she thought ‘Spider!’
This was no ordinary spider. It was the size of a dinner plate and made of metal. Long spindly legs protruded from the center mass and clamped on to the various lines within the data junction. Sharp fangs had bitten into several of the cables as though they were sucking out the juices.
Bremick pulled out his pistol and aimed at the small droid that was tapped into the ships control center. Without a sound, a bright flash of high energy plasma shot out from the gun and slammed into the target. A shower of molten metal and broken bits silently flew out into space. He surveyed the damage for a few seconds before he ripped the remnants of the broken droid out of the system. With some molten parts of the droid still glowing red at the edges, he tossed it away from Maggie into space.
Beth calmed down and began to breathe easy again as the dead droid disappeared into the background. Her com system broke the silence and she heard his voice, “Roz, there was a small droid in the forty third data junction tapping into the systems.”
He looked at Beth and pointed into the junction at the mess of shredded cables. “Do you think you can start repairs?”
She nodded and activated her tool. She aligned the first cable and the beam began its work. First it joined the wire core with a few back and forth sweeps of the beam. With a few more strokes it re-jacketed each strand until the entire cable was mended.
Roz broke the silence, "I'm still having trouble regaining access to the controls. I may have to disconnect Maggie and tap in manually."
With the sizzling of the plasma cutter in the background, Silack shouted, "We almost have the doors open, just a few more inches to cut through. It's a good thing Roz is small, or we would be cutting all day."
Focusing on the repairs inside the junction helped Beth forget all about the where she was. Just as the last cable was joined back together, a bright fiery trail shot out from Maggie’s ion thrusters and lit up the space behind them.
Maggie quickly accelerated and began to pull away from Beth and Bremick. Beth reached for the edge of the junction opening, but it pulled out from under her finger tips before they could get a proper grasp. She clawed at the hull as it started to speed by, but the magnetic anchors in her gloves weren’t strong enough to overcome the force. With the hull plating zipping by at an alarming rate, she frantically scratched at the every inch with the hopes of regaining a grip. The smooth plating continued to slip by with increasing speed until Maggie’s belly pulled upward and away near the engines, leaving Beth floating in space.
Beth saw the rapidly approaching exhaust plume from the ion engines and fumbled for the controls of her maneuvering thrusters. Beth's heart pounded as she slowly accelerated off to the side, but there was not enough time. The super heated gas jet quickly out paced her and soon engulfed her entirely.
The silence was broken by the roar of the exhaust as the turbulent gases thrashed her about and blew her deeper into space. Her shields lit up like beacon as they strained to fend off the assault. Some of the radiant heat from the high energy ions penetrated her shields and scalded her body through her suit.
As the distance from Maggie increased, the plume slowly dissipated. The thunderous roar of the ion thrusters died down to a quiet breeze and eventually the eerie silence settled back in. Her smoldering suit quickly cooled and stopped smoking.
The stars spun all around Beth as she tumbled through space. It didn’t take long for the nausea to set in. Not wanting to vomit in her suit, she used her thrusters to stabilize her position and align the planet below her. She looked around and saw the last hint of Maggie’s silhouette vanish into the blinding sunlight. She scanned around for Bremick, but saw no sign of him anywhere. With her voice quivering, she called out on her suit's coms, "Bremick! Where are you? Roz, can you hear me?" She paused for a moment, but there was no reply.
She looked at the tiny ball of a planet below her feet and couldn’t tell if she was moving toward or away from it. She turned up the heat in her suit and quietly floated. Her respirator purred away, providing a brief interruption in the emptiness.
*****
