Sorry if it seems like I'm posting a lot recently for critique, I've just had the most productive two weeks of writing I've had in probably five years.
This is a part of a scene where the main character is having dinner with his love interest. I've tried to bring the story and their personalities out through dialogue, but still keep the pace going and keep it interesting. I'd like to know: is it readable? does it flow? can you tell who is saying what and what is going on?
Background that you'll need to know: They are passengers aboard a massive colony ship (31 years transit time). He is a member of the crew, and she is a passenger. They met 5 years previously, really hit it off, but then he sort of disappeared and stopped returning calls (she was running in a pretty wild partying/drug using crowd)
Oh, and the fishbowl is the nickname for the massive residential area of the ship.
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“This place is nice.” Adam commented as he sat down at a table across from Cindy at Babalou’s. Once known as Recreation Facility 11B, it was now one of the most popular restaurants in the fishbowl.
“You’ve never been here before?” he couldn’t get enough of the way her head tilted when she asked him a question.
“No, I usually cook, or just eat in the crew dining facility near my quarters.” It had been a long time since he had gone anywhere ‘popular’, and he was appreciative of the change. The restaurant was bustling with customers and waiters moving between the tables and a kitchen in the back. The décor on the walls reminded him of a classy restaurant back on earth. “They’ve put a lot of work into this place.”
“Greed is a good motivator,” she said.
“So much for the whole love-based economy.” He tried hard to make it sound like an off-hand comment.
“Yeah, I don’t know,” she sounded tired of the subject, “I don’t really want to talk politics.”
He dropped it, “So what have you been up to?”
“I’ve almost finished my degree, and I was thinking about starting grad school.”
“Really?” This is a pleasant surprise. “In what?”
“Civil Engineering. I took a couple of trade classes on plastiforming and metalworking and that kind of got me interested in it.”
“That’s great. I mean, really great. I never thought, well I didn’t really know you, but still I wouldn’t have guessed that.”
“Yeah,” she let the word trail off as though it was a conversation all to itself. “Well, you know that was like five years ago. A lot has changed.”
“Such as?”
“What’s with the interrogation? We just sat down. How about starting with, ‘You look nice tonight, Cindy’?”
“I’m sorry. You don’t look nice, you look great.” he laughed as he said it.
She smiled, “Nice recovery. You look good too, by the way, it looks like you’ve really been… taking care of yourself.”
“No girlfriend means I have a lot of time to work out.” he shrugged.
A waiter in a white coat and black slacks cut into their conversation, “Would Madame or Monsieur care for a drink, or perhaps an appetizer?”
“I’ll just have a water,” Cindy answered.
“Water sounds great for me, too,” Adam added.
“Merci, beaucoup. Absolutement parfait,” said the waiter before scurrying back off towards the kitchen.
“Madame or Monsieur?” Adam was utterly confused.
“Do you know how cute it is when you make that face?” Cindy ignored his question.
“Thanks, but what’s going on here?”
“They all taught themselves French off the ship’s database.”
“Just so they could sound snooty?”
“That’s it.”
“That’s…” he wanted to say Amazing, but it really wasn’t, “Interesting.”
“Yes it is. It seems to keep this place packed. That’s your capitalism at work.”
“Hey, hey, now. None of that ‘your’ capitalism stuff.”
“Ha, okay,” she laughed it off. “So, how come you don’t have a girlfriend? You don’t work in fabrications, do you?”
“No,” he laughed. “Although sometimes I think that might be easier. I don’t know, I meet a lot of girls in class, but it just never works out.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t know, everyone’s always really focused on the academics, and I never seem to have anything in common with the girls. They’re just…”
“Passengers?” there was that tilted head again, but this time it didn’t look as cute as before.
“That’s not true,” he recovered quickly. “There’s a female technician from the Agricultural department that I’ve had several classes with.”
“Is she pretty?” folded arms were added to the tilt and the eyebrow.
“Maybe not in a… conventional sense, but she has many redeeming qualities.”
“Such as?” at least she was smiling now.
“Well, she has a steady hand. Good posture. She always seems… punctual.”
“Punctual… well, I’ll have to get there a little early to tell her to keep her steady hands off of my man.”
“Your man?” Let’s see how you deal with the tilted head.
“Madame? Monsieur? Here are your drinks. Have you had the chance to look at the menu?”
“I’ll have the Nicoise salad.” Cindy said as she handed him her menu.
“Et pour Monsieur?”
“The Steak au Poivre sounds good.”
“And is there anything else that I can bring you?”
“I think I changed my mind on the drink,” Adam said, “How about a glass of wine?”
“Rouge or Blanche?”
“Red please.”
“Just a glass, or would monsieur like a bottle for the table?”
“Bring a bottle.” Cindy chimed in.
“Tres bien,” the waiter said and left with both their menus in hand.
“He even speaks English in a French accent.”
“I can’t make this kind of thing up,” Cindy apologized, “I’m not that smart. But the food is really good.”
“I hope so, I’m hungry.”
“You ordered the steak? Still holding out for meat?” Cindy asked.
“No, I far prefer tofu made to almost look like meat,” Adam answered. “I’ll be disappointed when we get to the other end and start raising actual cows to replace the tofu.”
“You know it’s going to be like twenty or thirty years after planetfall, at least, before they plan on having mature enough herds to start slaughtering for beef, right?”
“It’ll be worth the wait.”
“You’ll probably be dead by then.”
“Then I’ll have my kids burn some steaks on my grave.”
“Kids?” good, there’s the cute head tilt again. “You sound pretty certain that you’re going to have kids for a guy that doesn’t even have a girlfriend.”
“I figure it’s gotta happen. Hell, with all the guys in the fabrications department, chances are I might have to take two or even three girls under my wing.”
“What about all the girls that swing the other way?” Cindy asked, “Won’t that cut into your odds?”
“Well, the guys, you know, they can be replaced.” Adam talked expansively with his hands for dramatic effect, “But the women… They can swing the other way, but they still have a… a duty to help propagate the human race.”
“I think most of them are planning on using invitro, so they shouldn’t ever have to have sex with any man if they don’t want to.”
“Think of the amount of effort that takes. It would be so much simpler to do it the natural way.”
“And they’ll probably take the sperm donated by guys like your friends in the fabrications department. I think that’s the plan, actually.”
“Really?” Adam had been joking through the conversation up to this point, but he really hadn’t known that there was a plan for the gay guys to reproduce.
“Yeah, don’t you ever talk to any of those guys?”
“I play basketball with a couple of them,” Adam was trying to figure out how he himself didn’t know this. “They’ve kind of all transferred into the same departments, and we end up hanging out just with the guys in our own department.”
“What century are you living in?” she laughed as she asked.
“I don’t know,” Adam admitted. “I was talking with a couple of Dr. Martinez’s students, and they had me thinking I might be moving forward slower in time than the rest of you.”
This is a part of a scene where the main character is having dinner with his love interest. I've tried to bring the story and their personalities out through dialogue, but still keep the pace going and keep it interesting. I'd like to know: is it readable? does it flow? can you tell who is saying what and what is going on?
Background that you'll need to know: They are passengers aboard a massive colony ship (31 years transit time). He is a member of the crew, and she is a passenger. They met 5 years previously, really hit it off, but then he sort of disappeared and stopped returning calls (she was running in a pretty wild partying/drug using crowd)
Oh, and the fishbowl is the nickname for the massive residential area of the ship.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“This place is nice.” Adam commented as he sat down at a table across from Cindy at Babalou’s. Once known as Recreation Facility 11B, it was now one of the most popular restaurants in the fishbowl.
“You’ve never been here before?” he couldn’t get enough of the way her head tilted when she asked him a question.
“No, I usually cook, or just eat in the crew dining facility near my quarters.” It had been a long time since he had gone anywhere ‘popular’, and he was appreciative of the change. The restaurant was bustling with customers and waiters moving between the tables and a kitchen in the back. The décor on the walls reminded him of a classy restaurant back on earth. “They’ve put a lot of work into this place.”
“Greed is a good motivator,” she said.
“So much for the whole love-based economy.” He tried hard to make it sound like an off-hand comment.
“Yeah, I don’t know,” she sounded tired of the subject, “I don’t really want to talk politics.”
He dropped it, “So what have you been up to?”
“I’ve almost finished my degree, and I was thinking about starting grad school.”
“Really?” This is a pleasant surprise. “In what?”
“Civil Engineering. I took a couple of trade classes on plastiforming and metalworking and that kind of got me interested in it.”
“That’s great. I mean, really great. I never thought, well I didn’t really know you, but still I wouldn’t have guessed that.”
“Yeah,” she let the word trail off as though it was a conversation all to itself. “Well, you know that was like five years ago. A lot has changed.”
“Such as?”
“What’s with the interrogation? We just sat down. How about starting with, ‘You look nice tonight, Cindy’?”
“I’m sorry. You don’t look nice, you look great.” he laughed as he said it.
She smiled, “Nice recovery. You look good too, by the way, it looks like you’ve really been… taking care of yourself.”
“No girlfriend means I have a lot of time to work out.” he shrugged.
A waiter in a white coat and black slacks cut into their conversation, “Would Madame or Monsieur care for a drink, or perhaps an appetizer?”
“I’ll just have a water,” Cindy answered.
“Water sounds great for me, too,” Adam added.
“Merci, beaucoup. Absolutement parfait,” said the waiter before scurrying back off towards the kitchen.
“Madame or Monsieur?” Adam was utterly confused.
“Do you know how cute it is when you make that face?” Cindy ignored his question.
“Thanks, but what’s going on here?”
“They all taught themselves French off the ship’s database.”
“Just so they could sound snooty?”
“That’s it.”
“That’s…” he wanted to say Amazing, but it really wasn’t, “Interesting.”
“Yes it is. It seems to keep this place packed. That’s your capitalism at work.”
“Hey, hey, now. None of that ‘your’ capitalism stuff.”
“Ha, okay,” she laughed it off. “So, how come you don’t have a girlfriend? You don’t work in fabrications, do you?”
“No,” he laughed. “Although sometimes I think that might be easier. I don’t know, I meet a lot of girls in class, but it just never works out.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t know, everyone’s always really focused on the academics, and I never seem to have anything in common with the girls. They’re just…”
“Passengers?” there was that tilted head again, but this time it didn’t look as cute as before.
“That’s not true,” he recovered quickly. “There’s a female technician from the Agricultural department that I’ve had several classes with.”
“Is she pretty?” folded arms were added to the tilt and the eyebrow.
“Maybe not in a… conventional sense, but she has many redeeming qualities.”
“Such as?” at least she was smiling now.
“Well, she has a steady hand. Good posture. She always seems… punctual.”
“Punctual… well, I’ll have to get there a little early to tell her to keep her steady hands off of my man.”
“Your man?” Let’s see how you deal with the tilted head.
“Madame? Monsieur? Here are your drinks. Have you had the chance to look at the menu?”
“I’ll have the Nicoise salad.” Cindy said as she handed him her menu.
“Et pour Monsieur?”
“The Steak au Poivre sounds good.”
“And is there anything else that I can bring you?”
“I think I changed my mind on the drink,” Adam said, “How about a glass of wine?”
“Rouge or Blanche?”
“Red please.”
“Just a glass, or would monsieur like a bottle for the table?”
“Bring a bottle.” Cindy chimed in.
“Tres bien,” the waiter said and left with both their menus in hand.
“He even speaks English in a French accent.”
“I can’t make this kind of thing up,” Cindy apologized, “I’m not that smart. But the food is really good.”
“I hope so, I’m hungry.”
“You ordered the steak? Still holding out for meat?” Cindy asked.
“No, I far prefer tofu made to almost look like meat,” Adam answered. “I’ll be disappointed when we get to the other end and start raising actual cows to replace the tofu.”
“You know it’s going to be like twenty or thirty years after planetfall, at least, before they plan on having mature enough herds to start slaughtering for beef, right?”
“It’ll be worth the wait.”
“You’ll probably be dead by then.”
“Then I’ll have my kids burn some steaks on my grave.”
“Kids?” good, there’s the cute head tilt again. “You sound pretty certain that you’re going to have kids for a guy that doesn’t even have a girlfriend.”
“I figure it’s gotta happen. Hell, with all the guys in the fabrications department, chances are I might have to take two or even three girls under my wing.”
“What about all the girls that swing the other way?” Cindy asked, “Won’t that cut into your odds?”
“Well, the guys, you know, they can be replaced.” Adam talked expansively with his hands for dramatic effect, “But the women… They can swing the other way, but they still have a… a duty to help propagate the human race.”
“I think most of them are planning on using invitro, so they shouldn’t ever have to have sex with any man if they don’t want to.”
“Think of the amount of effort that takes. It would be so much simpler to do it the natural way.”
“And they’ll probably take the sperm donated by guys like your friends in the fabrications department. I think that’s the plan, actually.”
“Really?” Adam had been joking through the conversation up to this point, but he really hadn’t known that there was a plan for the gay guys to reproduce.
“Yeah, don’t you ever talk to any of those guys?”
“I play basketball with a couple of them,” Adam was trying to figure out how he himself didn’t know this. “They’ve kind of all transferred into the same departments, and we end up hanging out just with the guys in our own department.”
“What century are you living in?” she laughed as she asked.
“I don’t know,” Adam admitted. “I was talking with a couple of Dr. Martinez’s students, and they had me thinking I might be moving forward slower in time than the rest of you.”
