Dynasty: Roots of an Empire (tightened) (1523 words)

Status
Not open for further replies.

Cli-Fi

John J. Falco
Joined
Dec 20, 2014
Messages
1,698
Location
New Jersey
Thanks for everyone's pointers last night. I got the backstory tightened up and moved things around. The chapter total length is seven pages but this is only four pages. Total chapter word count is 2513 words, but if you have been following my writings you have most likely already read the next part. If anyone wants to read the whole thing please let me know and I'll PM you. @tinkerdan, you might notice that I used some of your lines. Thanks.

Also I wasn't sure if I should create a new post or link it to the one I did Friday.

Chapter One: The Constant

Sharon’s heart nearly stopped as a single name written on a piece of paper appeared in front of her. She instantly recognized the name floating just above her desk. Her startled reaction to the news almost caused her to spill the glass of pills on the right. All the years of research had led to this moment and while the general public eagerly awaited an answer. Was it so wrong for her to know before everyone else? Perhaps it wasn’t, in this case. Everyone knew the legend: one bloodline influenced all of time. Yet the family name of what the Temporal Consortium called The Constant was unknown. It had remained a convenient mystery. Baffling both scientists and religious scholars alike. Up until five minutes ago, she believed that it was ridiculous and that people were wasting their time with the search. She read the name again and her neurons fired up. Free from bias which allowed her to think objectively about it. They began to make the connections, drawing different pictures and trying to fit the pieces together. Due to the name that floated just inches from her face, she was beginning to realize that the theory now made perfect sense. For years she refused to believe that it was possible, and she was only just beginning to think otherwise. As she questioned her own judgement, she still refused to believe it. She knew it must be some type of mistake. There was no Constant! There just couldn’t be.

In order to calm her system and to focus, she reached into the glass and took one blue and one red pill. The instant effects of the stabilizers usually did the trick. She let out the breath that she held on to. She knew there was nothing to this; nothing to worry about. So why was her heart beating its way out of her chest? Perhaps because this came from her own team and despite the fact she was an avowed Atheist, not everyone on her team shared her lack of belief. The Consortium which helped to spread rumors of a lifetime supply of customizable and desirable prizes to whoever can solve the mystery, practically turned everyone into religious fanatics. Over the past couple of decades she met only one other person who had doubts about the so-called science. The Temporal Scientists she oversaw were almost worse than the government agents. They bought the theory hook line and sinker. Therefore, the line between religion and science was blurring and she was getting tired of the politics. Proof of the existence of The Constant or even rumors of proof would only make matters worse. All she needed was one fanatic on her team to leak this and from there everything would get out of control. It wouldn't matter if they got it wrong or right. How much money they made or how much exposure the company itself would get. The news of finding The Constant would have always uncovered the world’s greatest traitor, but with the name that was in front of her. All regular protocol went out the window.

Deep in thought, the Time Code managed to catch her eye. It was a large black leather bound book of encyclopedic length resting in the middle of her and every single Desk at Temporal Entertainment Services. The dos and don’ts of Time Travel were listed in a pretty simplistic format. The recently updated version being Volume 16-A had nestled somewhere between the working acknowledgements and table of contents, the greatest myth of the thirtieth century. The official and government approved story, developed by temporal scientists on their down time, went a little something like this: A Constant is a family’s bloodline that exists at any moment in history for at least five centuries. As one moves up the timeline and gets closer to the point when mankind could travel through time, those bloodlines that survived the longest chose to alter the past and use it for their own ancestor’s advantage. Which is why they are remembered, or preserved. Preservation is highly illegal, but incredibly difficult to prove. Sharon knew of not one case that was successful in proving that it even existed.

The myths and legends that followed and seeped into pop culture are even more ridiculous. The notion that anything interesting that has ever happened in history; has some direct correlation to The Constant, just doesn’t make logical sense. Any historian could tell you that wars and inventions happen in order to fill a particular need or purpose. Not due to outside influence of some invisible hand. Even if what the trackers say are true, that they have noticed small variations in the timeline that cannot be explained away. The fact that they occur when these “interesting” events happen is just coincidence. None of that even seems to affect the timeline anyway. Sharon told herself, even if she could prove that this piece of paper held the true identity of The Constant. The timeline remained intact. All the damage that The Constant has reportedly done, is basically meaningless. The rules of time travel are clear. So why bother with the hunt? What’s the end game? To eliminate The Constant could drastically change everything, if such a thing existed in the first place.

The elected leaders of the Temporal Consortium, an unparalleled authority on time travel are themselves obsessive fanatics. In her long-winded career she had physically met them all at the same time, only three times. The finding of The Constant was all they seemed to care about, despite her other concerns. Thanks to more than sixty years of Time Travelling, she knew the rules of the Time Code like the back of her hand. As an executive she frequently worked with the government and scientists to make sure everything runs smoothly. Which meant meeting The Consortium’s almost impossible deadlines. Anyone with any proof about The Constant’s existence, was to send over all research and information to The Consortium, the instant they had it. So just by delaying and thinking about the possible consequences. This illegal tangent, already put her in a bad light with the government. Revealing this name to the Consortium would shake it to its core, if they ended up believing her. Indeed just by sending their boss this name before they sent it to The Consortium, her team was acting in an illegal sense. The Consortium should have also been made aware of their recent developments as soon as she was. So she had to give her team credit. They were probably more confused than she was, and had serious issues with the name that they seemed to have pulled out of a hat. At least they were loyal to a fault, she thought.

If the information she had acquired was accurate and she could prove its conclusion beyond reasonable doubt. One of the most beloved, powerful, and most popular bloodlines in all of existence would be tainted forever. Oh and not to mention tried for crimes against humanity. Indeed, for some reason this particular bloodline wasn’t even on the radar. Only rising her suspicions. She once again forced herself to examine that in which she did believe. Putting aside the possible consequences of delaying and the impact it could have on the world if this all turned out to be true. What other angles were there to this? She started to think about the possibilities that this could be something else entirely. If not a mistake. It all smacked of a setup of misguided desperation. If someone wanted to bring down one of the more prominent families in the world it would be in this manner. If someone wanted to put her company out of business, this certainly would be a way to do so. Did someone want to make this family look bad? Was there a coup brewing under her watch that she didn’t know about? Could it be the start of humanity’s first temporal war? There was always these possibilities. She thought of the Creative types and the Computer nerds. Both would love to get their hands on this information. So that they could use it against the government to spark worldwide revolutions.

She pressed her fingers against her temples to relieve the pressure of foreshadowing so far into the future. Stopping herself she didn’t want to be completely accurate about events to come. Especially since they made her feel so uncomfortable. She knew just the person she had to call to straighten all of this out, and get to the bottom of the mystery. A red button materialized on her desk, near her left hand and she pressed it. “Get me the location of Dorian Black.” A female voice, not unlike her own replied back, “Dorian Black has just arrived back from 1875 with his niece. He’s in the Department of Mistakes.” Perfect she thought. That was just down the hall. As she got up to leave, she took one more foreboding glance at the Time Code, as if expecting it to leap off of her desk and swallow her whole, before heading out the hall.
 
Forgive me, I found this frustrating on several levels. This is the first chapter of your book; you are attempting to make impressions here that will ensnare your readers in this story...we need to learn who your characters are; we need to be enticed by glimpses of this world that make it interesting enough for us to want to learn more. But the first thing the reader sees is seven large blocks of text. There is no action, and only a few short lines of dialogue at the very end. This seems to be all telling--you're lecturing us on the history of this world.

And there's seemingly a big contradiction in the first chapter. If I'm reading this correctly, Sharon has been doing research into the prime mystery of this world for a long time (after all, the product of this research--a name--appears on paper right before her eyes); logically it seems that if a person has dedicated their life to researching one issue, they see it as a worthwhile endeavor; this line is from the first paragraph:

All the years of research had led to this moment and while the general public eagerly awaited an answer.

But then this is written just a few lines later:

Up until five minutes ago, she believed that it was ridiculous and that people were wasting their time with the search.

Here she expresses disdain for anyone doing this sort of research. I hope you see why this seems a contradiction. (I'd also remove the word 'and' from the first sentence, and add a comma.)

Another thing--also from the first paragraph...I've noticed a tendency in your writing for sentences to stop abruptly--for a thought to stop, and then be continued in the next sentence, forming what appear to be sentence fragments. Here is what I mean:

It had remained a convenient mystery. Baffling both scientists and religious scholars alike.

And something of this nature seems to be the problem with this string of sentences:
She read the name again and her neurons fired up. Free from bias which allowed her to think objectively about it. They began to make the connections, drawing different pictures and trying to fit the pieces together.

I hope I've expressed this in a way that allows you to see this problem in your text.

But also there's this sentence, which maybe has too many ideas, and improper punctuation:

The Consortium which helped to spread rumors of a lifetime supply of customizable and desirable prizes to whoever can solve the mystery, practically turned everyone into religious fanatics.

There were other examples of frustrating sentence structure in the first paragraph, and throughout the piece. I'd urge you to try and concentrate more on fine-tuning the construction of your sentences.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but these seem like serious problems to me. This seems a history lecture rather than a story. Engage us...create your characters...dole out the mystery of how this world works in some way other than an essay. You clearly have a lot of interesting ideas; if you refine your storytelling methods, and writing techniques, this could be really interesting. Best of luck, CC
 
I´ve sent you a very long detailed critique, but I will summarize here:

There are problems with tenses IMO, as you seem to waver incorrectly between past and present--sometimes even in the same sentence.

As Cat´s Cradle commented, your story is peppered with sentence fragments, misplaced or missing full stops and commas, more than one contradiction, you repeat yourself at times, and the infodump is too much. After 6 paragraphs nothing has really happened. The mystery is overcooked and the repeated emphasis of the name´s importance seems contrived after the first two paragraphs.

With that said, the concepts in this story are very interesting, and if you could tidy up these issues, you could indeed have a very nice story in your hands.
 
Sharon’s heart nearly stopped as a single name written on a piece of paper appeared in front of her. She instantly recognized the name floating just above her desk.

You open with a strong statement - but then you immediately go into infodump, rather than the character's true reactions. However...

Thanks for everyone's pointers last night. I got the backstory tightened up and moved things around.

Honestly, don't worry about that at the moment. The main thing is to get a first draft finished, if you can. Because whatever you put in the first draft, you are going to need to rewrite again for the second.

So if you keep rewriting Chapter 1 before finishing that first draft, all you're doing is increasing the number of times you're going to have to come back and rewrite it.

If you see potential improvements, just make notes at the top of Chapter 1. You will almost certainly keep doing this until you finish that first draft, so there's little point rewriting and rewriting chapter 1 until that first draft is complete - because you are going to have to rewrite it anyway.

First drafts suck. Their job is to simply provide a reasonably coherent roadmap of your story unfolding. Then you rewrite as your second draft to try and get everything in place...

2c.
 
Forgive me, I found this frustrating on several levels. This is the first chapter of your book; you are attempting to make impressions here that will ensnare your readers in this story...we need to learn who your characters are; we need to be enticed by glimpses of this world that make it interesting enough for us to want to learn more. But the first thing the reader sees is seven large blocks of text. There is no action, and only a few short lines of dialogue at the very end. This seems to be all telling--you're lecturing us on the history of this world.

And there's seemingly a big contradiction in the first chapter. If I'm reading this correctly, Sharon has been doing research into the prime mystery of this world for a long time (after all, the product of this research--a name--appears on paper right before her eyes); logically it seems that if a person has dedicated their life to researching one issue, they see it as a worthwhile endeavor; this line is from the first paragraph:



But then this is written just a few lines later:



Here she expresses disdain for anyone doing this sort of research. I hope you see why this seems a contradiction. (I'd also remove the word 'and' from the first sentence, and add a comma.)

Another thing--also from the first paragraph...I've noticed a tendency in your writing for sentences to stop abruptly--for a thought to stop, and then be continued in the next sentence, forming what appear to be sentence fragments. Here is what I mean:



And something of this nature seems to be the problem with this string of sentences:


I hope I've expressed this in a way that allows you to see this problem in your text.

But also there's this sentence, which maybe has too many ideas, and improper punctuation:



There were other examples of frustrating sentence structure in the first paragraph, and throughout the piece. I'd urge you to try and concentrate more on fine-tuning the construction of your sentences.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but these seem like serious problems to me. This seems a history lecture rather than a story. Engage us...create your characters...dole out the mystery of how this world works in some way other than an essay. You clearly have a lot of interesting ideas; if you refine your storytelling methods, and writing techniques, this could be really interesting. Best of luck, CC

Thanks for your pointers. I guess I cut down my sentences like that because I feel otherwise they would be too long. So that is my crazy re-writing and re-writing problem that I have going on currently. Which @Brian Turner rightly pointed out. So in an effort to make sentences too long guess I made them too short.

The sentence about the Consortium giving out rewards for information about The Constant has to do with the fact that that sentence started out too short for my liking. Then I started to describe what rewards, but didn't like it so I summed it up. Guess too much info.

I noticed as well Sharon's contradictions in her thoughts. I think, anybody working on something so long will get frustrated as time goes by and there are no leads on a conclusion. That's what I was trying to show there. What I am pointing out is the underlying mythology in this Time Travel society, so I'm showing her frustrations with the "religion" that everybody else seems to buy into there. Yet, she is not a radical nor is she trying to change the system. She is just trying to get by and do her job, to the best of her abilities and she doesn't want to be distracted by the things that everyone else is. What she feels is that there is more to Time Travel than finding a god-like entity to tell them all what to do and furthermore, she feels that confirmation of that belief would make things worse. It would make her job at least, obsolete. Yet, she worked her way up the ladder and has this contradiction that she has to work hand in hand with the fanatics obsessed with finding The Constant. Even though she could care less. It's still a big part of her job.

Not everybody is completely happy with their day jobs and millions of people do things in their day jobs that they would rather not do. And unless you specifically work in a political or religious field, no one advertises their beliefs. Here is a woman frustrated with how society has turned out and thinks the search for The Constant is hurting the industry. She may just be afraid to speak out against The Consortium. Even so, it's extremely hard to describe why she feels this way, because I still have to think about what she actually does all day. That is only shown in bits and pieces here. It's hard work thinking of what future jobs could be in a Time Travel society. What potential executives may do.
 
Last edited:
I´ve sent you a very long detailed critique, but I will summarize here:

There are problems with tenses IMO, as you seem to waver incorrectly between past and present--sometimes even in the same sentence.

As Cat´s Cradle commented, your story is peppered with sentence fragments, misplaced or missing full stops and commas, more than one contradiction, you repeat yourself at times, and the infodump is too much. After 6 paragraphs nothing has really happened. The mystery is overcooked and the repeated emphasis of the name´s importance seems contrived after the first two paragraphs.

With that said, the concepts in this story are very interesting, and if you could tidy up these issues, you could indeed have a very nice story in your hands.

Thanks I am going to go over your critique right now. Please see my response to @Cat's Cradle if you'd like more explanation/insight into what I was trying to portray.
 
Hey Cli-Fi. Just quickly, I understand that it is hard varying the sentence lengths in your writing in a natural way, but honestly one way you cannot do this (and hope to impress readers/agents/publishers) is by stringing together a series of sentence fragments, or using run-on sentences. I'm afraid many people will not get beyond these problems to the story you are trying to tell. Keep working on it, and good luck, CC
 
I appreciate your explanation and I was sort of getting this a little from the reading:

I noticed as well Sharon's contradictions in her thoughts. I think, anybody working on something so long will get frustrated as time goes by and there are no leads on a conclusion. That's what I was trying to show there. What I am pointing out is the underlying mythology in this Time Travel society, so I'm showing her frustrations with the "religion" that everybody else seems to buy into there. Yet, she is not a radical nor is she trying to change the system. She is just trying to get by and do her job, to the best of her abilities and she doesn't want to be distracted by the things that everyone else is. What she feels is that there is more to Time Travel than finding a god-like entity to tell them all what to do and furthermore, she feels that confirmation of that belief would make things worse. It would make her job at least, obsolete. Yet, she worked her way up the ladder and has this contradiction that she has to work hand in hand with the fanatics obsessed with finding The Constant. Even though she could care less. It's still a big part of her job.
:In fact I have an old favorite saying; 'If you want a job to fail find someone who doesn't believe in it and put them in charge.'

This is what I took from your character but not everyone will see this unless you get closer to her inner feelings to show them the nature of the conflict.

Don't sweat the long sentences. You do need some for pacing and if you have visions of cutting at them you should first look at the adjectives and adverbs and even the choice of verbs before you reduce the sentence to something incomprehensible. Sometimes the awkward sounding long sentence is a structural problem and sometimes it the choice overuse of modifiers and other times its passivity.

And as Brian suggests, sometimes you need to stick this bit aside and move on.
 
Thank you everyone. I thought of a great action sequence to add to this whole thing. So I am working it in there. To be posted next weekend!
 
I thought of a great action sequence to add to this whole thing. So I am working it in there. To be posted next weekend!

That would definitely help this out. The first six paragraphs are, as already mentioned, way too dry, and make for some hard reading. I think a lot of the information could be saved for later in the story, you don't really have to explain the Constant in such detail, for example. More should be happening, and less should be explaining. Maybe have Sharon arguing with a coworker about the Constant, and do it in a paragraph or two. Then it could be more interesting, let you introduce another character, and get rid of a lot of the infodump.
 
That would definitely help this out. The first six paragraphs are, as already mentioned, way too dry, and make for some hard reading. I think a lot of the information could be saved for later in the story, you don't really have to explain the Constant in such detail, for example. More should be happening, and less should be explaining. Maybe have Sharon arguing with a coworker about the Constant, and do it in a paragraph or two. Then it could be more interesting, let you introduce another character, and get rid of a lot of the infodump.

Funny you should mention that. I actually did something like this. I also threw in some cyberpunk elements to make things even more urgent, by actions instead of just saying that this is urgent.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Similar threads


Back
Top