Cheating Boyfriend (1300)

[Avid Scifi Fan]

This the first section I re-wrote into first person (Needs some work). This section introduces Beth to the readers for the first time and is presented throuh her eyes.

I notice I used the word "I" and awful lot and would apreciate any suggestions on how to cut it down a bit.

I'm also looking for opinions on Beth's reactions, are they beleivable or too muted. I 'm aiming to make her a strong and independant character.

Setting: near future earth. Two main government entities, the coalition and conglomerate have been sparring with minor wars in disputed territories (Doesn't play into this section too much other than Beth works for a coalition research facility).

All thoughts ad oppinions are welcome.

Thanks in advance.


*******

[In a quiet, peaceful suburb deep within Coalition territory, Beth Larson’s alarm clock buzzed loudly.]

I slid my arm out from under the covers and fumbled for the wretched alarm. After a few missed attempts, my hand found the switch and the peaceful silence returned to the room. I rolled over and reached for my boyfriend.

I groped around in the emptiness beside me and realized he wasn’t there. Having fallen asleep before he came home, was it possible he was already up and getting ready? I got up, put my slippers on and searched around the house, but it was empty. By the time I reached the kitchen my annoyance had reached its limit. I pulled my phone out of the charger and checked to see if he left any messages. The stuffed bear he gave me sat in the chair mocking me. Why am I not surprised there were no massages? It’s not like it’s the third time this month he didn’t come home…Oh wait, it was.

I was careful not to push my fingers through the phone as I tapped out a quick text asking where he was.

With no immediate response, I sat the phone on the counter and continued about my morning ritual. There was enough time to shower, dress and eat breakfast. I was just about to walk out the door and head to work when I finally received a message from him. It read, “Got held up at work. Grabbed a hotel for the night.”
Does he think I’m stupid? I’ve been patient, but I don’t like being strung along. Does he think I don’t notice the late nights, the frequent hotel visits when we only live an hour from work, the constant monitoring of his phone. My heart was sinking in my chest, as I’ve been down this road before. I didn’t bother to reply.

I lifted his shirt off the back of the chair and brought the collar up to my nose. I inhaled the various scents and sorted them out. The fragrance of our laundry detergent mixed with his cologne, but there was no doubting the hint of some floral bouquet from another woman’s perfume. Emminating from the fabric as though it were mocking me.

I don’t have time for his antics anymore. Another two years of my life waisted as my biological clock ticked away. My heart ached, but I held my composure. I stuffed my phone into my bag and left for work at the Coalition research facility.
The Coalition research facility was created to streamline the various research efforts of all the Coalition nations. The best and brightest scientists and engineers from all over were brought together to form the top of the line research and intelligence center.

When I arrived at work, I spent the morning reverse engineering some captured Conglomerate equipment. The trinkets and devices were a puzzle to be solved that demanded focus. It was my own personal way of meditating. A welcome distraction from the other mess I was dealing with.

As lunchtime approached, I didn’t feel like eating. My stomach wrenched itself in knots. Not because I just found something out, after all, this has been going on for months now, but because, it was time to take action. A decision needs to be made and I have to chat with him about our relationship.

I drove down the street to his office. I tried to keep the fury of my emotions under control as I parked the car. After all, I had no proof and his words may not be lies. My palms were damp and the butterflies in my stomach turned about as I marched into the building.

I put on my happy face as I walked toward the receptionist as I had done many times before. “Good afternoon Molly.” I said with my most pleasant voice. I made my way past her and went for my boyfriend’s office.

Molly politely tried to stop me, but it was too late. I pushed the door to his office open and time froze. There he was, deep in a passionate embrace, but it wasn’t with me. It was one of his co-workers. They stared back in shock as though no one ever opens his closed door. Then it hit me, the same floral bouquet I detected on his shirt was greeting me at the doorway.

In some ways this made the conversation easier. I could skip all the lies and denials that anything going on and move onto the tough part. What to do.
The butterflies in my stomach died as the demons rose into my head. I took a deep breath and held myself together. “We’re through!” I shouted as I looked at him with the most evil glare I could muster and told him. “You’ll find your stuff on the front lawn. I suggest you go collect it before the lawn gets mowed.”

I didn’t even acknowledge the competition as I knew she would get what was coming to her in time. I turned and stormed out of the office. Molly slouched behind her desk as I walked past and avoided eye contact. She must have known for quite some time, but didn’t want to get involved.

I reached the sanctuary of my car and sat there for a moment. The dam burst and all my emotions came pouring out. I replayed the subtle clues in my head and knew I should have done something earlier. I wiped the tears from my face and gathered myself for a moment. I started the car and drove away.

My next stop was somewhat therapeutic. As I gathered his things up and tossed them to the curb, it was like pulling splinters out of my heart. Every item stung as it brought back the memories and experiences we shared together. I felt the anger fading away as each piece flew out onto the green grass and tumbled to a stop. It was finally over.

The urge to get away from it all was strong. So much so that it pulled at me to the point I had to release it somehow.

When I returned to work after the long lunch, I went into my supervisor’s office. I asked, “Is there any chance you have any field assignments I can take for a week or two?” I explained my bad day to him and said, “I just need to get away for a little while.”

Her supervisor looked up from his terminal. “Your timing is impeccable Beth. I didn’t want to pull you away from what you were working on, but an assignment just came in that fits right into your area of expertise.”

“Really?” My mood lightened, but I tried not to sound too eager. “What do you have?” I asked, as I could sense an escape within my grasp.

He slid a small report across his desk to her, “Coalition forces made an unusual find out in a remote territory. It’s something we’ve never seen before from the Conglomerate and we need an expert familiar with their equipment to investigate.”
I thumbed through the report, noting the high level details. “Sounds interesting, I’m in.” I practically felt the airplane about to wisk me away to some far off destination, but where? That bit was missing from the report.

The supervisor was releived he filled the job and reclined in the desk chair. “Sorry, but there are no other details until you land onsite due to the sensitivity of the find.”

“When do I leave?” Beth eagerly asked.

“Your flight leaves at eighteen hundred.” He replied. “From there you will catch military transport to the base of interest.”

“Eighteen hundred!” I checked my watch and did the math. “That doesn’t leave much time to pack.”

I grabbed the travel information from my supervisor and rushed back to my lab space. I gathered the typical test equipment I use for my fly away kits, then rushed home to pack some clothes and other essentials.

******

 

[Victoria Silverwolf]

[In a quiet, peaceful suburb deep within Coalition territory, Beth Larson’s alarm clock buzzed loudly.]

I don't think you need the section in brackets at all. Just go into the first person narration. At the very most, I would give this section a title instead. If the entire story is going to be from Beth's point of view, you could call it something like "Greentown, Coalition Territory, Thursday, April 17, 6:00 am" or whatever would be appropriate. I would only do this if you are going to have a lot of different locations and times, and if this is primarily a suspense story. If you are going to have multiple points of view, it would be OK to just call this section "Beth Larson." It would also be OK to not have a section title at all.

I slid my arm out from under the covers and fumbled for the wretched alarm. After a few missed attempts, my hand found the switch and the peaceful silence returned to the room. I rolled over and reached for my boyfriend. I would give his name here.

I groped around in the emptiness beside me and realized he wasn’t there. Having fallen asleep before he came home, was it possible he was already up and getting ready? I got up, put my slippers on and searched around the house, but it was empty. By the time I reached the kitchen my annoyance had reached its limit. I pulled my phone out of the charger and checked to see if he left any messages. The stuffed bear he gave me sat in the chair mocking me. [color= red] Good detail[/color] Why am I not surprised there were no massages? It’s not like it’s the third time this month he didn’t come home…Oh wait, it was. I like the bit of sarcasm here.

I was careful not to push my fingers through the phone as I tapped out a quick text asking where he was.

With no immediate response, I sat the phone on the counter and continued about my morning ritual. There was enough time to shower, dress and eat breakfast. I was just about to walk out the door and head to work when I finally received a message from him. It read, “Got held up at work. Grabbed a hotel for the night.”

Does he think I’m stupid?Watch out for shifting from past to present tense, which happens a few other times in this section. To be consistent, this should be "Did he think I was stupid?", the next sentence should be "I'd been patient, but I didn't like being strung along." and so on.I’ve been patient, but I don’t like being strung along. Does he think I don’t notice the late nights, the frequent hotel visits when we only live an hour from work, the constant monitoring of his phone. My heart was sinking in my chest, as I’ve been down this road before. I didn’t bother to reply.See how you shifted back to past tense in the last sentence?

I lifted his shirt off the back of the chair and brought the collar up to my nose. I inhaled the various scents and sorted them out. The fragrance of our laundry detergent mixed with his cologne, but there was no doubting the hint of some floral bouquet from another woman’s perfume. Emminating Emanating from the fabric as though it were mocking me. Good use of sensory appeal.

I don’t have time for his antics anymore. Another two years of my life waisted wasted. Watch out for spellcheck messing you up!as my biological clock ticked away. My heart ached, but I held my composure. I stuffed my phone into my bag and left for work at the Coalition research facility.

The Coalition research facility was created to streamline the various research efforts of all the Coalition nations. The best and brightest scientists and engineers from all over were brought together to form the top of the line research and intelligence center.This is pretty dry and vague exposition. You might want to consider giving some specific details. Surely there isn't just one Coalition Research Center. Give it a name. There might also be a way to give the reader some of this information while not losing the thread of the story. Something like this:

The Richmond Research Center glared at me as I drove into the gigantic parking lot. Behind its golden windows the best scientists and engineers in this part of the Coalition worked their miracles. Usually I was proud to be one of them. This morning I didn't give a damn.

When I arrived at work, I spent the morning reverse engineering some captured Conglomerate equipment. The trinkets and devices were a puzzle to be solved that demanded focus. It was my own personal way of meditating. A welcome distraction from the other mess I was dealing with. Maybe give a few specific details about the gizmo. What does it do?

As lunchtime approached, I didn’t feel like eating. My stomach wrenched itself in knots. Not because I just found something out, after all, this has been going on for months now, but because, it was time to take action. The previous sentence is awkward. Read over each sentence and make sure it reads smoothly. A decision needs to be made and I have to chat with him about our relationship.See how you shifted back into present tense?

I drove down the street to his office. I tried to keep the fury of my emotions under control as I parked the car. After all, I had no proof and his words may not be "might not have been" lies. My palms were damp and the butterflies in my stomach turned about as I marched into the building.

I put on my happy face as I walked toward the receptionist as I had done many times before. “Good afternoon Molly.” I see problems with quotation punctuation all the time, so let's review:

"Good afternoon, Molly," I said.

"Good afternoon, Molly." I smiled at her.

See the difference?

I said with my most pleasant voice. I made my way past her and went for my boyfriend’s office.

Molly politely tried to stop me, but it was too late. I pushed the door to his office open and time froze. There he was, deep in a passionate embrace, but it wasn’t with me. It was one of his co-workers. They stared back in shock as though no one ever opens his closed door. Then it hit me, the same floral bouquet I detected on his shirt was greeting me at the doorway.Good detail. I'd like just a bit of description of the Other Woman

In some ways this made the conversation easier. I could skip all the lies and denials that anything going on and move onto the tough part. What to do.

The butterflies in my stomach died as the demons rose into my head. I took a deep breath and held myself together. “We’re through!” I shouted as I looked at him with the most evil glare I could muster and told him "and told him" doesn't add anything. Watch out for words you don't need. “You’ll find your stuff on the front lawn. I suggest you go collect it before the lawn gets mowed.” I like that line

I didn’t even acknowledge the competition as I knew she would get what was coming to her in time. I turned and stormed out of the office. Molly slouched behind her desk as I walked past and avoided eye contact. She must have known for quite some time, but didn’t want to get involved.

I reached the sanctuary of my car and sat there for a moment. The dam burst and all my emotions came pouring out. I replayed the subtle clues in my head and knew I should have done something earlier. I wiped the tears from my face and gathered myself for a moment. I started the car and drove away.

My next stop was somewhat therapeutic. As I gathered his things up and tossed them to the curb, it was like pulling splinters out of my heart. Every item stung as it brought back the memories and experiences we shared together. I felt the anger fading away as each piece flew out onto the green grass and tumbled to a stop. It was finally over. Maybe a few details here about the items and what they meant to her.

The urge to get away from it all was strong. So much so that it pulled at me to the point I had to release it somehow.

When I returned to work after the long lunch, I went into my supervisor’s office. I asked, “Is there any chance you have any field assignments I can take for a week or two?” I explained my bad day to him and said, “I just need to get away for a little while.”

Her Obviously this should be "My." Watch out for changing point of view like this.supervisor looked up from his terminal. “Your timing is impeccable, Beth. I didn’t want to pull you away from what you were working on, but an assignment just came in that fits right into your area of expertise.”

“Really?” My mood lightened, but I tried not to sound too eager. “What do you have?” I asked, as I could sense an escape within my grasp.

He slid a small report across his desk to her, “Coalition forces made an unusual find out in a remote territory. It’s something we’ve never seen before from the Conglomerate and we need an expert familiar with their equipment to investigate.”

I thumbed through the report, noting the high level details.Should let the reader in on some of these details, just a hint of why this is important. “Sounds interesting, I’m in.” I practically felt the airplane about to wisk me away to some far off destination, but where? That bit was missing from the report.

The supervisor was releivedrelieved he hadfilled the job andhe reclined in the desk chair. “Sorry, but there are no other details until you land onsite due to the sensitivity of the find.”

“When do I leave?” Beth eagerly asked.Changing point of view

“Your flight leaves at eighteen hundred.” He replied. “From there you will catch military transport to the base of interest.”

“Eighteen hundred!” I checked my watch and did the math. “That doesn’t leave much time to pack.”The boss didn't give himself much time to fill the assignment, even though he knows already what time the flight leaves! Maybe something like "You need to leave as soon as possible. Can you be ready by eighteen hundred?"

I grabbed the travel information from my supervisor and rushed back to my lab space. I gathered the typical test equipment I use for my fly away kits, then rushed home to pack some clothes and other essentials.

This held my attention. I like the combination of an emotional crisis and a professional challenge. You are not using "I" too much. That's just part of first person narration.

You are at your best when you give the reader specific details. Avoid vague phrases. Make sure you go over what you have written to look for awkward phrases, words you don't need, and changes of tense and point of view.

 

[willwallace]

Well, Victoria has given you quite a detailed analysis, better than I could do. I do feel there may be a few too many uses of "I", and you can cut that down a bit, especially where it's used twice in the same sentence.

I was careful not to push my fingers through the phone as I tapped out a quick text asking where he was.
Careful not to push my fingers through the phone, I tapped out a quick text asking where he was.

Does he think I don’t notice the late nights, the frequent hotel visits when we only live an hour from work, the constant monitoring of his phone.
Does he think the late nights, the frequent hotel visits when we only live an hour from work, and the constant monitoring of his phone go unnoticed?

I didn’t even acknowledge the competition as I knew she would get what was coming to her in time.
I didn’t even acknowledge the competition, knowing she would get what was coming to her in time.

As Victoria says, having a personal crisis and a professional challenge makes for an interesting combination, which I feel works very well.

 

[jastius]

The last paragraph uses rush twice. Your protagonist is showing a lot of energy now after her sleepy morning of decision building... You could replace the first with dashed.. The last with raced or sped. ..

 

[tinkerdan]

Your use of first person is adequate and you will end up with a number of I's throughout no matter how you try to do things as long as you continue on as you do with the checklist like writing.

The I's can be taken care of by couching them inside of the words so that fewer are at the beginning of sentences. You don't have that a lot but your paragraphs are short so when you have three beginning the sentences in one paragraph it sticks out and the whole sounds like I did this then I did that then I did this other ad ad infin(I)tum. I once read a book where this happened so much there were as many as seven sentences in one paragraph that began with I.

One thing I would suggest is you draw closer to the character and put a bit more reality into her predicament.

By that, I mean: when I went through this I had at least a month of one night (bowling night with the girls) that seemed quite innocent. Then there were other nights for this that or another thing like a friend who was having some personal crisis and some other such. Finally there was a week of no showing until I was ready to leave.

Let me tell you, by that time you wake up every morning and check for warmth in that spot-hoping. Then you go through this long list of excuses as to why they aren't there. But while that happens there's another list of things(In our case we had children and I had to get to work and if she wasn't here yet I'd soon be late for work trying to scratch up a babysitter.) Then of course there's the thought that so far she's gotten back in time and we've passed like to ships in the night.

All that passes through the head and most of it won't require all those I's and if you slip this inner dialogue or inner struggle between all the actions of getting up by the time we get to the spot where there is a message and more suspicion the reader will be right there in the moment with her as she seethes about needing a confrontation and they'll totally be on board with her distraction with this as she tries to go through the motions.

You can also have her inner struggle be between I know something is going on to denial that something is going on; but understanding that they need to talk. Then she can pick up the shirt to get his scent more for some personal visceral reason before she realizes there is some other woman's perfume mixed in.

It might lengthen the piece; but it will kill two birds. It will push the I's further apart and bring the reader closer.

 

[Avid Scifi Fan]

Thanks for the responses.

Victoria: I never gave the boyfriend a name since expanding the outline. I didn't think it was needed, but if it makes a slight improvement and brings the reader in a little more, I could always call him Bob, John or something simple.
good catch on the past/present tense, I've been writting conversations/thoughts in present and everything else in past. Those bits were originally conversations/thoughts when the piece was in third person.
I can add a little more of the cheating couple and her apearance if it satisfies peoples curiosity.

Will: I like the edits that eliminates the "I". It might help me cut down on the "I" count for everything else and it does read a little smoother.

Jastius: Thanks for the catch. I'll fix it when I edit.

Tinkerdan: I like the thought of adding a little more detail for realism (maybe just one short paragraph). I also like the thought of making the "I"s less frequent.

The goal of this piece is to make her single (vs just saying she's single) and push her into an adventure of a lifetime. The one thing I'm concerned about is how long to wait until getting into something new. By this I mean, can she dump the boyfriend and then start dating the very next week?

Oppinions on how long to wait before dating would be apreciated. The current story plays out to about two weeks before taking interest in someone else. Is this too soon?

 

[tinkerdan]

That would depend on the level of involvement in the relationship.

Typically at that point it might feel and look like revenge dating.

What I mean by that is that she has no real idea how long this jerk has cheated on her could be a week could be months and that doesn't count how much time it took for him to get comfortable with the idea. Some people know quite in advance that things are not working but say nothing because they have to have someone so they stick with you until they find someone else. Then when they do it's like you end up as a convenient place to land for a while; while they work it out.

When you find out it doesn't take long to get angry and resentful; but you still have to have time to process it and anything you think about doing might feel like cheating (if you were really into the relationship). So that first week you might not do anything but seethe about it. Then if you are lucky you start realizing all that crap up above about how much time he has had to think this out without you and find someone. Then you have to decide if you want to find someone yourself or maybe just do revenge dating, in which case you lose points for being as evil if not more evil than your ex.

So in that short of a time I wouldn't expect a committed person to start in earnest. That could add some spice to the story though, especially if she ran into Mr. Right while seriously exploding all over relationships.

 

[Avid Scifi Fan]

Thanks for the advice.

I'll make sure the pace is reasonable when she meets "Mr. right". It has to be a little fast to fit it into the story line. She is definetly coming off the rebound, but its not revenge dating (her character isn't like that).

 

[jastius]

She could be defraging.. Letting steam off. And pull a penny from big bang theory...
Lasso someone in, that turns out to be the type of someone you don't kick to the curb in the morning with bite marks on their heinie and a smile on their face that won't quit.
I wouldn't worry too much about best if used before stale dating dates for a breakup that's been a long time fomenting.
She's a big girl.
She can make her own decisions about whose bed she sleeps in.

And yeah... New stuff that can change your life completely can happen fast.
Just put a reason there for them to be close or compatable, and not combative.
But as for headspace, she could be thinking light or frivolous.. Someone she doesn't know. Won't see again, and then it turns out that she was ever so wrong.
She decides she doesn't want to be alone for whatever reason and joins the junket into the nearest two horse town where the crew go to the nearest pub and let off steam.
She hooks up with Mr charming stranger, that unfortunately turns out to be in the tech crew of the project that has set up in the WiFi hub of the town. But he is going out to the project dig where she is now. That's why he was at the pub. For introductions she missed.
(Bathroom break to pimp up her appearance? Out on the dance floor? Meets him there.. He tries to introduce himself and she thinks he's flirting?)
Okays I will stop romcoming now..

 

[Avid Scifi Fan]

Thanks for the suggestions Jastius, but I can't deviate too far from what I already have down. I'm feeling lazy and don't want to rewrite too much

Some of the other bits I've already posted in the cirtique section. (look for the ones with the characters Jake, Roz, Beth Bremick and Silack if you're interested).