Dynasty: Roots of an Empire (scifi 1496)

[Cli-Fi]

New chapter. Better Character flow. More action. I basically combined my first three chapters and saved more of the main mythology for later on to add to the mystery. Thanks for everyone's advice and I hope I got it right this time. Let me know your thoughts. It's much appreciated. I hope I adequately described some of these technologies and it's not confusing/too much going on.

Chapter One: The Snapshot​

Dorian Black stood in the middle of central command and instantly realized something was wrong with the Imagination Matrix. “We have unicorns,” one of his employees had alerted them as he stared into his illuminated screen, “and flying monkeys.” He felt hopeless and unprepared as he monitored the chaos safely from the reinforced walls inside the Department of Mistakes. He never expected this much pandemonium during the transition phase. “No wait,” the employee reiterated, “that’s a flying pig.”

Dorian sighed heavily. As he counted the nanoseconds, he stared at his calendar. There was only one event on his calendar today… He had done all he could do to prepare everyone for this day. Yet it wasn’t enough. With time travel, it was never enough. There was always something linked to something else. “What the hell was she thinking?” He, still thought that the snapshot was a bad idea. Especially considering the affect it was now having on imagination. “Hold your breath, everyone. It will all be over in a few moments.” Dorian tried to sound reassuring to his team members, but he knew they weren’t buying it. There were bound to be problems afterwards. “Let’s hope the damage is minimal and try not to think too much.”

For all her life Sharon Baker Hark saw time travel as an art. The Billionaire CEO certainly felt like an artist as soon, millions of souls entered her temporal feed. It was like a concert, but they weren’t there to see her. She wasn’t the main attraction. Once connected properly they were feeling as she did, and saw what she saw. Most were anonymously connecting to her neurons. She has never minded the air of secrecy that came with the viewers. There will always be that type of disconnect between artists and fans especially if those fans didn’t want to voluntarily reveal that information. Whether they exposed themselves or not regardless of reasons, viewers were viewers. She allocated her feelings so that she could properly filter other souls from certain foreknowledge that she had already experienced. Otherwise, it would be a very short snapshot, with no point. So, with great care she continuously picked and chose who felt what. It was like she was a director of a movie with a cast of millions of actors. Her god-like grace while operating at such a skill level left the viewers mesmerized, lost in the scene which unfolded before them. She had already mastered this relatively new form of time travel, which was clear to those watching as well. So, she couldn’t think of a better way to honor the men who changed her life forever.

Everyone was eagerly anticipating the unveiling of these events from her private memory vault, and today they were finally being revealed to the public for the first time. As she looked back at this particular conversation, she couldn’t help but let loose a single salty tear. No commentary from the time traveler was needed once the scene began:

“It may not seem like it, but Time Travel is slowly losing its profitability.” The businessman said in confidence as he nodded his head. He sounded like he knew what he was talking about. A man to his left raised both hands and chimed in sharing his concern, “Right, how many times can you ride a dinosaur without becoming bored?”

Her heart leapt when she heard what the topic of conversation was. “It’s not that simple,” she muttered under her breath so that they might hear her. She was already acting as if she was part of the conversation anyway. If the men were asking these questions, they might be open to her ideas. Her younger self decked out with red hair, the classic skin tight temporal uniform and black military boots, eagerly strolled through the mist over to the group of businessmen.

All around her she could hear similar muffled conversations about different things happening in the industry. Her first exposure to the temporal elite. Yet, this particular group of people were the only ones who seemed willing to address the giant elephant in the room. The elevator-type music allowed her to keep her cool laser-like focus on the businessmen. As she got closer she found they reeked of a mixture of those smelly temporal stabilizers and rare alcoholic beverages. Looking closer she saw the nearly empty glasses of half eaten red and blue pills on top of the circular floating table illuminated by low blue lighting. No drop of alcohol was left in sight.

Another man to their right refuted, “But, it has been going strong for over three hundred years. Surely, it can last for a couple hundred years longer!” He seemed bothered by the others’ opinions as he rubbed his folded hands and muttered under his breath. She knew most people were not ready to discuss the end of time travel, but she sure was sick of it, herself. She’d rather talk about anything but.

“Gentlemen, allow me to introduce myself,” She slid onto one of the hovering cushions nearby and sat cross-legged in midair. She held out her hand and let them shake it. “My name is Sharon Baker Hark CEO of Temporal Entertainment Services and this topic of conversation is very interesting to me.”

“How are ya!” The first man said in what may have been a french-african accent, “I am Francisco Tannebaum. These,” he outstretched his right hand and pointed to each of the two other gentlemen, “are my business partners. Thomas Clark and Jefferson Abrams.” The men graciously took her hand one by one. She could feel the frailness in their bones, and the worn-out texture of their wrinkles. It was an interesting sight in age where wrinkled humans were themselves a rarity. She wondered why they chose the way they looked.

After the handshaking she instantly turned to the third man, “Jefferson, I have heard of your work with Colonial America. That’s simply legendary work. You should be very proud. It’s quite an accomplishment. So you don’t share in your partners’ thinking?”

Jefferson shook his head and his big belly wiggled with it, “Thank you, but no I do not. There are still plenty of uses for Time Travel and these guys are just doomsdaying.” She chuckled as she partially agreed with him, it was a good word to describe it. Especially from his perspective. She knew that colonial America was a very profitable enterprise. “I mean just look at the new slipstream developments.” He continued, “The ability to send temporal messages throughout the timeline in a pretty inconspicuous way was unheard of fifty years ago. Regardless of your political stance on the issue and the fact that they are used for a not so secret nefarious purpose. It’s pretty remarkable technology.”

“That’s easy for you to say! Slipstreams don’t really affect your business. No one wants to interrupt the founding of America. Yet, everyone wants to take home a pet dinosaur. Using slipstreams as a legitimate way to communicate to people throughout time, simply is not sustainable nor are they used with the best intentions in mind. Everyone has always wondered how the dinosaurs became extinct, well. That’s your answer!” Thomas slammed his fists onto the table.

Francisco tried to take things down a notch, “You can’t possibly blame the slipstream technology on the desires of some greedy thugs.”

Thomas nodded his head, “Last time I checked, children aren’t thugs. I’d go so far as to say that the slipstream is a criminal illegitimate business practice which should be banned.” Thomas blurted out. “Thanks to that development business is ruined!” Thomas threw up his hands in frustration but then rubbed his head, “We are actually losing customers thanks to those poachers! Dinosaurs just don’t seem to excite people as much as they did” He sighed. “Not when you can buy them legally on the market.”

Sharon thought that was a shame. “Well, it was one of the first places people went to. I think they just want to try different eras, now.” She tried to spin it in a positive way but for all she knew these guys were Billionaires each in charge of their respective eras. Masters of the universe. Her attention was drawn more towards Francisco, whom still remained a mystery. She had never heard of him before, but he seemed wise beyond her years. Whatever he did, she was eager to learn from the best in the business.

Francisco rolled his eyes, “They do this at every conference.” He shook his head as he raised his voice just a bit, “Guys, please stop measuring your dicks when we have a lady present.”

“That’s OK. I am quite used to it. Why don’t you try to advertise to scientists Thomas?” Sharon asked, “I’m sure there is a market there.”

Thomas huffed and acted like she didn’t know what she was talking about. “Do you realize that paleontologists still refuse to travel!?”

 

[tinkerdan]

This is a good example, I think, of what people are trying to warn against.

Thomas huffed and acted like she didn’t know what she was talking about. “Do you realize that paleontologists still refuse to travel!?”.

You are telling us how he is acting like she doesn't know what she's talking about and then you seem to still be not sure if it will take so you use!? which is overkill. Something simple as below might help them see what your just said.

Thomas raised an eyebrow, cocked his head and huffed. "You do realize that paleontologists still refuse to travel?"

Aside from that with as many starts as you have here you still are not putting us into the story quick enough though it might feel like it because you have a whole bunch of world building in here. You need to get on her shoulder and have her moving around doing things even if its wandering the halls like she's try to escape whatever she left on her desk. But most of all you might be waving in the winds of everyone's advice and not trying to get centered on just what your story is

 

[Cli-Fi]

This is a good example, I think, of what people are trying to warn against.

You are telling us how he is acting like she doesn't know what she's talking about and then you seem to still be not sure if it will take so you use!? which is overkill. Something simple as below might help them see what your just said.

Thomas raised an eyebrow, cocked his head and huffed. "You do realize that paleontologists still refuse to travel?"

Aside from that with as many starts as you have here you still are not putting us into the story quick enough though it might feel like it because you have a whole bunch of world building in here. You need to get on her shoulder and have her moving around doing things even if its wandering the halls like she's try to escape whatever she left on her desk. But most of all you might be waving in the winds of everyone's advice and not trying to get centered on just what your story is

Well do you need to know what the story is about in the first few pages? I understand what you mean by the world building, and I wouldn't exactly call describing how futuristic technologies work world building. Especially since they are integral to the story, but why exactly isn't the first two paragraphs putting people into the story? Not really sure what you mean.

Here I am just letting readers know that this is a story about time travel and that time travel is prevalent in society. This needs to be done by design. The point to the conversation becomes clear towards the end of this chapter, which i regret I cannot post the whole thing in this section.

I think this is the better start than what I had, when people said I summed up the world too much.

 

[Brian G Turner]

I think this is the better start than what I had, when people said I summed up the world too much.

This is better - I can see you are trying to get into the character experience. But it's not yet working right IMO. Which is entirely normal when working with early drafts, so don't sweat it too much.

I'll try and explain:


Dorian Black [stood in the middle of central command here you are still thinking objectively, by visualising where the character is in the scene, instead of just getting directly into the character experience]and [instantly not required] realized something was wrong with the Imagination Matrix.

^ Now, even editing out the bits I've highlighted, Dorian is reacting to something. Next you will tell us what they are reacting to. IMO it is better to show the cause, then the effect. Especially as the couple of bits of dialogue I think are actually really good.

“We have unicorns,” one of his employees [had alerted them had alerted him? Either way, you are already jumping back in time to show the cause that Dorian has already reacted to. This comes across as clumsy] [as he stared into his illuminated screen - you're killing the pace quickly with unnecessary explanations of what people are doing. Remember to try and avoid thinking too visually - sure, it's fine to tell us that they have a monitor - but if you must tell us, you could do so more succintly than this, “and flying monkeys.” [He felt hopeless and unprepared how? Here's you are telling, not showing, and simply summarising as a narrator for the benefit of the reader, instead of giving us the character experience] [as he monitored the chaos - you've just a moment ago told us that Dorian is in central command - so how are they monitoring the chaos? Be specific, not generic, where possible] [safely from the reinforced walls inside the Department of Mistakes - and now you're back to explaining things to us, in order to try and set the scene - which you don't actually need to do here]. . [He never expected this much pandemonium during the transition phase - again, you are telling us about Dorian, and not only does it not get us into the character, it is slowing the story down with every attempt at extraneous detail - if we don't need to know yet, then we don't need to know ]. “No wait,” the employee reiterated, “that’s a flying pig.” That line is great!

My personal stylistic suggestion is to use the employees line as an opener, because it's really quite strong - there's intrigue and almost humour:


“We have unicorns. And flying monkeys,” one of the employees said. “No wait, that’s a flying pig.”

Then go into Dorian's character - but show, don't tell.

The part you have after the first paragraph shows you are trying - and it is a serious challenge to get inside of a character's head - but the digression into the calender doesn't work how you use it.

Overall, you're getting there - you've peeled away an important layer - but you need to keep working and peeling back more layers, until we have a satisfactory character experience.

Here's a suggestion - walk away from your computer, then come back to it. And as you look at the screen, imagine that you are looking at the blue screen of death. Now immediately note how you feel - all your fears, your physical sensations, and your overall reaction. That's what you need to put something of into Dorian's POV to make it work as third person limited POV.

 

[Cli-Fi]

This is better - I can see you are trying to get into the character experience. But it's not yet working right IMO. Which is entirely normal when working with early drafts, so don't sweat it too much.

I'll try and explain:


Dorian Black [stood in the middle of central command here you are still thinking objectively, by visualising where the character is in the scene, instead of just getting directly into the character experience]and [instantly not required] realized something was wrong with the Imagination Matrix.

^ Now, even editing out the bits I've highlighted, Dorian is reacting to something. Next you will tell us what they are reacting to. IMO it is better to show the cause, then the effect. Especially as the couple of bits of dialogue I think are actually really good.

“We have unicorns,” one of his employees [had alerted them had alerted him? Either way, you are already jumping back in time to show the cause that Dorian has already reacted to. This comes across as clumsy] [as he stared into his illuminated screen - you're killing the pace quickly with unnecessary explanations of what people are doing. Remember to try and avoid thinking too visually - sure, it's fine to tell us that they have a monitor - but if you must tell us, you could do so more succintly than this, “and flying monkeys.” [He felt hopeless and unprepared how? Here's you are telling, not showing, and simply summarising as a narrator for the benefit of the reader, instead of giving us the character experience] [as he monitored the chaos - you've just a moment ago told us that Dorian is in central command - so how are they monitoring the chaos? Be specific, not generic, where possible] [safely from the reinforced walls inside the Department of Mistakes - and now you're back to explaining things to us, in order to try and set the scene - which you don't actually need to do here]. . [He never expected this much pandemonium during the transition phase - again, you are telling us about Dorian, and not only does it not get us into the character, it is slowing the story down with every attempt at extraneous detail - if we don't need to know yet, then we don't need to know ]. “No wait,” the employee reiterated, “that’s a flying pig.” That line is great!

My personal stylistic suggestion is to use the employees line as an opener, because it's really quite strong - there's intrigue and almost humour:


“We have unicorns. And flying monkeys,” one of the employees said. “No wait, that’s a flying pig.”

Then go into Dorian's character - but show, don't tell.

The part you have after the first paragraph shows you are trying - and it is a serious challenge to get inside of a character's head - but the digression into the calender doesn't work how you use it.

Overall, you're getting there - you've peeled away an important layer - but you need to keep working and peeling back more layers, until we have a satisfactory character experience.

Here's a suggestion - walk away from your computer, then come back to it. And as you look at the screen, imagine that you are looking at the blue screen of death. Now immediately note how you feel - all your fears, your physical sensations, and your overall reaction. That's what you need to put something of into Dorian's POV to make it work as third person limited POV.

Cool. Thanks for the tips. Glad you liked those lines. Unfortunately, I work in IT, so the Blue Screen of Death doesn't really mean anything to me. Needless to say, I am used to it! But I got the jist of what you meant by the way my clients act when it happens to them.

Now I do have a question about one of your critiques. Were you perhaps confused when I said, he was in central command? Central command doesn't necessarily have to be about it being in the center of the action. In many stories, I would say central command is like a fortress. If it's taken out, the whole thing is over. HINT HINT. And of course, (private) military operations like this one, monitor things from there even if they are or aren't in the middle of the action per se. That's why I put the computer monitors in there in the first place. That's why I feel hesitant about taking them out

 

[tinkerdan]

The first two paragraphs are okay but not spectacular and they don't tell me much. We start talking flying monkeys, pigs and unicorns and it sounds like they are running some sort of simulator(not time travel).

Then the third paragraph jags off into Sharon Baker Hark and she's somewhere-maybe in a meeting; but at first I was confused because I almost had the impression she was somewhere else thinking about a previous meeting and I'm still not sure. But it's pretty common for me to get confuse.

Then we have all these people at the meeting-somewhere-I don't know where or what it looks like: nothing. It's like they are a bunch of talking heads discussing time travel and it's trivial nature. There are lots of good things here but I still don't have a clue what this might be about. They could be having a simulated conference that Dorian Black is overseeing somewhere but not sure about why flying monkeys and pigs fit into it.

Also the entire third paragraph confuses me as to what it's purpose is, other than telling us how she is an artist.

Most were anonymously connecting to her neurons.

And though this is an interesting sentence I have no clue what this has to do with time travel or her being an artist or where it fits in the story.

Again the whole paragraph confuses me and I ask is this a virtual meeting and if so then how are they shaking hands; I think I'm missing some context to help place me into the story with a firm notion of how to follow the narrative.

Whatever is going on in the background is interfering with my trying to follow the board meeting.

Sorry it's just too confusing for me to follow and I don't know why.

 

[Cli-Fi]

The first two paragraphs are okay but not spectacular and they don't tell me much. We start talking flying monkeys, pigs and unicorns and it sounds like they are running some sort of simulator(not time travel).

Then the third paragraph jags off into Sharon Baker Hark and she's somewhere-maybe in a meeting; but at first I was confused because I almost had the impression she was somewhere else thinking about a previous meeting and I'm still not sure. But it's pretty common for me to get confuse.

Then we have all these people at the meeting-somewhere-I don't know where or what it looks like: nothing. It's like they are a bunch of talking heads discussing time travel and it's trivial nature. There are lots of good things here but I still don't have a clue what this might be about. They could be having a simulated conference that Dorian Black is overseeing somewhere but not sure about why flying monkeys and pigs fit into it.

Also the entire third paragraph confuses me as to what it's purpose is, other than telling us how she is an artist.


And though this is an interesting sentence I have no clue what this has to do with time travel or her being an artist or where it fits in the story.

Again the whole paragraph confuses me and I ask is this a virtual meeting and if so then how are they shaking hands; I think I'm missing some context to help place me into the story with a firm notion of how to follow the narrative.

Whatever is going on in the background is interfering with my trying to follow the board meeting.

Sorry it's just too confusing for me to follow and I don't know why.

Ok Thank you. I will try to clear that up. In the third paragraph I am trying to explain how my method of time travel works without being overly simplistic or saying: This is how she time travels. I was trying to describe a new way to time travel. Which is why it seems like a virtual thing, but really isn't. Any pointers you'd like to give me in order to describe it better? It's probably why you were confused because it's in my head and I need to explain how it works. For readers to understand that it's really time travel.

 

[Brian G Turner]

Now I do have a question about one of your critiques. Were you perhaps confused when I said, he was in central command? Central command doesn't necessarily have to be about it being in the center of the action. In many stories, I would say central command is like a fortress. If it's taken out, the whole thing is over. HINT HINT. And of course, (private) military operations like this one, monitor things from there even if they are or aren't in the middle of the action per se. That's why I put the computer monitors in there in the first place. That's why I feel hesitant about taking them out

You could keep it in - my comment could be a stylistic difference. But what I meant was would the character stand there, and in that moment, think "I'm in central command"? It's something I might expect to see added in a character observation, ie - Central command was on chaos (give examples of show to justify that tell).

 

[psychotick]

Hi,



Dorian Black stood in the middle of central command and instantly realized something was wrong with the Imagination Matrix. “We have unicorns,” one of his employees had alerted them as he stared into his illuminated screen, “and flying monkeys.” He felt hopeless Do you mean helpless? and unprepared as he monitored the chaos safely from the reinforced walls inside the Department of Mistakes. He had never expected this much pandemonium during the transition phase.

New pargraph. Because the next line is another person speaking.


“No wait,” the employee reiterated, “that’s a flying pig.”

Dorian sighed heavily. As he counted the nanoseconds, he stared at his calendar. There was only one event on his calendar today… He had done all he could do to prepare everyone for this day. Yet it wasn’t enough. With time travel, it was never enough. There was always something linked to something else. “What the hell was she thinking?” He, still thought that the snapshot was a bad idea. Especially considering the affect it was now having on imagination.

New paragraph.

“Hold your breath, everyone. It will all be over in a few moments.” Dorian tried to sound reassuring to his team members, but he knew they weren’t buying it. There were bound to be problems afterwards. “Let’s hope the damage is minimal and try not to think too much.”

Eeeehhh?!! What the hey, you just head hopped in a major way and I have no idea how you got from Dorian to Sharon. I don't know how they connect or even if they connect.


For all her life Sharon Baker Hark saw had seen time travel as an art. The Billionaire CEO certainly felt like an artist as soon, millions of souls entered her temporal feed. It was like a concert, but they weren’t there to see her. She wasn’t the main attraction. Once connected properly they were feeling as she did, and saw what she saw. Most were anonymously connecting to her neurons. She has had never minded the air of secrecy that came with the viewers. There will would always be that type of disconnect between artists and fans especially if those fans didn’t want to voluntarily reveal that information. Whether they exposed themselves or not regardless of reasons, viewers were viewers. She allocated her feelings so that she could properly filter other souls from certain foreknowledge that she had already experienced. Otherwise, it would be a very short snapshot, with no point. So, with great care she continuously picked and chose who felt what. It was like she was a director of a movie with a cast of millions of actors. Her god-like grace while operating at such a skill level left the viewers mesmerized, lost in the scene which unfolded before them. She had already mastered this relatively new form of time travel, which was clear to those watching as well. So, she couldn’t think of a better way to honor the men who changed her life forever than what?.

Everyone was eagerly anticipating the unveiling of these events from her private memory vault, and as? today they were finally being revealed to the public for the first time. As she looked back at this particular conversation, she couldn’t help but let loose a single salty tear. Why is she crying? No commentary from the time traveler She is the time traveller? was needed once the scene began:

“It may not seem like it, but Time Travel is slowly losing its profitability.” The businessman said in spoke with confidence as he nodded his head. He sounded like he knew what he was talking about.

New paragraph - different person speaking.

A man to his left raised both hands and chimed in sharing his concern, “Right, how many times can you ride a dinosaur without becoming bored?”

Her heart leapt when she heard what the topic of conversation was. “It’s not that simple,” she muttered under her breath so that they might hear her. She was already acting as if she was part of the conversation anyway. So she's hosting some sort of conference through her brain? If the men were asking these questions, they might be open to her ideas. Her younger self decked out with red hair, the classic skin tight temporal uniform and black military boots, eagerly strolled through the mist over to the group of businessmen. Explain.

All around her she could hear similar muffled conversations about different things happening in the industry. She or her younger self? Her first exposure to the temporal elite. Yet, this particular group of people were the only ones who seemed willing to address the giant elephant in the room. The elevator-type music allowed her to keep her cool laser-like focus on the businessmen. As she got closer she found they reeked of a mixture of those smelly temporal stabilizers and rare alcoholic beverages. Looking closer she saw the nearly empty glasses of half eaten red and blue pills on top of the circular floating table illuminated by low blue lighting. No drop of alcohol was left in sight.

Another man to their right refuted, “But, it has been going strong for over three hundred years. Surely, it can last for a couple hundred years longer!” He seemed bothered by the others’ opinions as he rubbed his folded hands and muttered under his breath.

New paragraph - new POV.

She knew most people were not ready to discuss the end of time travel, but she sure was sick of it, herself. She’d rather talk about anything but.

“Gentlemen, allow me to introduce myself,” She slid onto one of the hovering cushions nearby and sat cross-legged in midair. She held out her hand and let them shake it. “My name is Sharon Baker Hark CEO of Temporal Entertainment Services and this topic of conversation is very interesting to me.”

“How are ya!” The first man said in what may have been a Ffrench-Bafrican accent, “I am Francisco Tannebaum. These,” he outstretched his right hand and pointed to each of the two other gentlemen, “are my business partners. Thomas Clark and Jefferson Abrams.”

New paragraph for new POV.

The men graciously took her hand one by one. She could feel the frailness in their bones, and the worn-out texture of their wrinkles. It was an interesting sight in age where wrinkled humans were themselves a rarity. She wondered why they chose the way they looked.

After the handshaking she instantly turned to the third man, “Jefferson, I have heard of your work with Colonial America. That’s simply legendary work. You should be very proud. It’s quite an accomplishment. So you don’t share in your partners’ thinking?”

Jefferson shook his head and his big belly wiggled with it, “Thank you, but no I do not. There are still plenty of uses for Time Travel and these guys are just doomsdaying.”

New paragraph - new POV.

She chuckled as she partially agreed with him, it was a good word to describe it. Especially from his perspective. She knew that colonial America was a very profitable enterprise.

New paragraph - change of person speaking.

“I mean just look at the new slipstream developments.” He continued, “The ability to send temporal messages throughout the timeline in a pretty inconspicuous way was unheard of fifty years ago. Regardless of your political stance on the issue and the fact that they are used for a not so secret nefarious purpose. It’s pretty remarkable technology.”

“That’s easy for you to say! Slipstreams don’t really affect your business. No one wants to interrupt the founding of America. Yet, everyone wants to take home a pet dinosaur. Using slipstreams as a legitimate way to communicate to people throughout time, simply is not sustainable nor are they used with the best intentions in mind. Everyone has always wondered how the dinosaurs became extinct, well. That’s your answer!” Thomas slammed his fists onto the table.
Explain how slipstreams allow you to bring dino's home as pets, but that's easier to communicate with them.

Francisco tried to take things down a notch, “You can’t possibly blame the slipstream technology on the desires of some greedy thugs.”

Thomas nodded his head his head is redundant - what else can he nod with?, “Last time I checked, children aren’t thugs. I’d go so far as to say that the slipstream is a criminal illegitimate business practice which should be banned.” Thomas He - you've already used Thomas' name so no need to repeat it. blurted out. “Thanks to that development business is ruined!” Thomas threw He again. up his hands in frustration but then rubbed his head, “We are actually losing customers thanks to those poachers! Dinosaurs just don’t seem to excite people as much as they did” He sighed. “Not when you can buy them legally on the market.”

Sharon thought that was a shame. What was a shame? The loss of business? Explain. “Well, it was one of the first places people went to. I think they just want to try different eras, now.” She tried to spin it in a positive way but for all she knew these guys were Billionaires each in charge of their respective eras. Masters of the universe. Her attention was drawn more towards Francisco, whom still remained a mystery. She had never heard of him before, but he seemed wise beyond her years. Whatever he did, she was eager to learn from the best in the business.

Francisco rolled his eyes, “They do this at every conference.” He shook his head as he raised his voice just a bit, “Guys, please stop measuring your dicks when we have a lady present.”

“That’s OK. I am quite used to it. Why don’t you try to advertise to scientists Thomas?” Sharon asked, “I’m sure there is a market there.”

Thomas huffed and acted like she didn’t know what she was talking about. “Do you realize that paleontologists still refuse to travel!?”



Ok, for me this is confused. I don't know who is who or what they're talking about, and you keep squeezing different POV's into single paragraphs which adds to the problem. One paragraph for one line of thought. You get a new speaker or a new thinker, it's a new paragraph always. Space is your friend.

But ultimately my problem is that there is no background here so I really have no idea what's going on. And you said in your OP that these are your opening chapters. I imagine that other readers having come from never having seen this are going to be just as confused.

Hope that helps.

Cheers, Greg.

 

[tinkerdan]

For all her life Sharon Baker Hark saw time travel as an art. The Billionaire CEO certainly felt like an artist as soon, millions of souls entered her temporal feed. It was like a concert, but they weren’t there to see her. She wasn’t the main attraction. Once connected properly they were feeling as she did, and saw what she saw.

From the above I would after looking carefully guess that maybe Sharon Baker Hark does the time travel and her customers only travel vicariously through her seeing and feeling what she does. If that's what this is then it works to a certain extent, but might benefit by something that clarifies that that's what it is because I'm not certain. And this also begs the question of where she is right at the moment-is she time traveling now or is she at a meeting or is it both. If she's not time traveling right now then maybe she shouldn't be thinking this right now. I can see her thinking this while getting started to time travel or while time traveling perhaps as a reminder to herself that the customer is there to see what she sees and not marvel about her artistic craft.

The second thing that comes to mind though is; why is the CEO acting as the vessel for this?

Most were anonymously connecting to her neurons. She has never minded the air of secrecy that came with the viewers. There will always be that type of disconnect between artists and fans especially if those fans didn’t want to voluntarily reveal that information. Whether they exposed themselves or not regardless of reasons, viewers were viewers. She allocated her feelings so that she could properly filter other souls from certain foreknowledge that she had already experienced. Otherwise, it would be a very short snapshot, with no point. So, with great care she continuously picked and chose who felt what. It was like she was a director of a movie with a cast of millions of actors. Her god-like grace while operating at such a skill level left the viewers mesmerized, lost in the scene which unfolded before them. She had already mastered this relatively new form of time travel, which was clear to those watching as well. So, she couldn’t think of a better way to honor the men who changed her life forever.

Once again I sense from what is below that this paragraph has nothing to do with the meeting. Sure it's a nice lead in but this causes me confusion because either she has just started her time travel vicarious method and is now going to a meeting that she is holding in her time travel environs but there is no connective reason why.

But then I'm not sure that she is, because she could be just at this meeting physically.

I think that this paragraph belongs in a spot where she is initiating whatever she is doing so that it makes the connection and follows through with an example of time travel so we can really see what it is time travel is.

I'm not sure that I'm being clear here and a lot depends on if I understand this paragraph better now.

 

[Hex]

Just briefly in passing -- yes, there's fine tuning to be done and you've had some great crits, but I did love the imagination matrix malfunction and the unicorns/ flying monkeys/ flying pig. Very gripping.

 

[Warren_Paul]

Chapter One: The Snapshot​

Dorian Black stood in the middle of central command and instantly realized [I think putting an immediacy adverb in the very first line is a futile effort, and it also feels like weak writing to me. We have no previously mentioned actions to interrupt with his sudden realisation so you would be better off doing something like this: Something was wrong with the Imagination Matrix, Dorian Black realized as he stood in the middle of the central command. While maybe even my quickly thrown together example could be improved upon, you still get the same immediate effect.] something was wrong with the Imagination Matrix. “We have unicorns,” one of his employees had [The immediacy of the previous sentence is undone as soon as you say "had" here. You can just delete had and the sentence will be all the better for it. The only thing that would change is improving the pace.] alerted them as he stared into his illuminated screen, “and flying monkeys.” He felt hopeless and unprepared [How was he unprepared? Why does he feel hopeless? This statement needs some work.] as he monitored the chaos safely from the reinforced walls inside the Department of Mistakes. He never expected this much pandemonium during the transition phase. “No wait,” the employee reiterated, “that’s a flying pig.”

[Something to pay attention to is how you start every sentence in a paragraph. You don't want to fall into the trap of always starting with the same word because the repetition quickly becomes noticeable to the reader. I also feel those two sentences shouldn't be there distracting us from what the employee is saying. Dorian's feelings take away from the humour of the dialogue. You could put them after the flying pig and then you have all the time you need to expand on them. The good thing about this first paragraph though is that it's quirky and interesting. The randomness of it piques the reader's interest.]

Dorian sighed heavily. As he counted the nanoseconds, [Nanoseconds is a very tiny amount of time to keep count of] he stared at his calendar. There was only one event on his calendar today… He had done all he could do to prepare everyone for this day. Yet it wasn’t enough. With time travel, it was never enough. There was always something linked to something else. [This is all a bit too vague. What had he done? It irks me when I see "something" used in narrative like this because only the author really knows what that something actually is. The rest of us are left in the dark having to guess at what the author meant.]

[The formatting of this section is a bit messy. It could be improved like so:]

Dorian sighed. As he counted the nanoseconds, he stared at his calendar. There was only one event on his calendar today… He had done all he could do to prepare everyone for this day. Yet it wasn’t enough. With time travel, it was never enough. There was always something linked to something else. He, still thought that the snapshot was a bad idea, especially considering the affect it was now having on imagination.

“Hold your breath, everyone. It will all be over in a few moments. Let’s hope the damage is minimal and try not to think too much” Dorian tried to sound reassuring to his team members, but he knew they weren’t buying it. There were bound to be problems afterwards. “What the hell was she thinking?”

[Okay, so what I've done here is moved bits around to where I thought they flowed better and allowed the paragraphs to be formatted in an easier to read way. The dialogue "What the hell was she thinking?" fell flat because the context for that statement didn't come until later when you mention who "she" actually is. From what I could see, it still works if the dialogue is at the end of the paragraph, and then the very next sentence is explaining who "she" is but I'm going to stop here now that I see we aren't even in the same PoV anymore.]

[I thought when I read the start of this next paragraph that Dorian was going to talk about this Billionaire CEO woman, like most readers would. But then I realised you pulled us out of Dorian's point of view without warning and now we are stuck in the mind of somebody completely different. I really discourage doing this. Normally the writer would use a # to represent a scene break and then switch to the next PoV, but Dorian's PoV is so short that it seems silly to do so, and perhaps that's what you were thinking here? But what I would suggest is that you either stay with Dorian for longer and explain a bit more about what's going on, or start with Sharon's PoV from the beginning.]

For all her life Sharon Baker Hark saw time travel as an art. The Billionaire CEO certainly felt like an artist as soon, millions of souls entered her temporal feed. It was like a concert, but they weren’t there to see her. She wasn’t the main attraction. Once connected properly they were feeling as she did, and saw what she saw. Most were anonymously connecting to her neurons. She has never minded the air of secrecy that came with the viewers. There will always be that type of disconnect between artists and fans especially if those fans didn’t want to voluntarily reveal that information. Whether they exposed themselves or not regardless of reasons, viewers were viewers. She allocated her feelings so that she could properly filter other souls from certain foreknowledge that she had already experienced. Otherwise, it would be a very short snapshot, with no point. So, with great care she continuously picked and chose who felt what. It was like she was a director of a movie with a cast of millions of actors. Her god-like grace while operating at such a skill level left the viewers mesmerized, lost in the scene which unfolded before them. She had already mastered this relatively new form of time travel, which was clear to those watching as well. So, she couldn’t think of a better way to honor the men who changed her life forever.

Expand the quote to see my comments/edits. Blue highlighted words are ones I think can just go. delete them. Green are suggestions. Red are what I had fault with and purple are my own comments.


Okay, so the concept is interesting and I think there is potential here but much work needs to be done yet. Another thing I noticed is the walls of text. The last paragraph here where I stopped is a good example. It's just too much all in one block, enough to make the reader go crosseyed trying to read it all. Find some comfortable spots to break it up into multiple paragraphs. The best time to do this is when the thoughts of the narrator shift to a slightly different topic, or the character starts a new action.

Another note I want to make is not entirely based on this critique sample but includes the topic in the general writing section. You asked us how to portray the dark side of your world. To do so I'd suggest having a look at this opening and consider what kind of atmosphere a scene talking about unicorns and flying pigs creates. If you want it to be gritty, then you need to write in a style that represents that feeling. Even in the following scene that is supposed to be who I'm guessing is the character we first think of as the villain, the dialogue and thoughts aren't quite mature and serious enough to portray what you're after.

 

[JoanDrake]

Just briefly in passing -- yes, there's fine tuning to be done and you've had some great crits, but I did love the imagination matrix malfunction and the unicorns/ flying monkeys/ flying pig. Very gripping.

I mainly agree with this. It could be substantially less confusing, yes, but I wonder sometimes if just a little confusion doesn't make you pay attention, especially if the story has good points of interest in the beginning like this does, and that draws you in. In any case I found it very interesting and would definitely read on

 

[JG Martin]

I find the premise interesting, but I also find myself confused. Is she time traveling, which is what the opening paragraphs imply, or replaying an event? The statement about the temporal vault would imply it was a replay. And then the event seems virtual instead of a time travel. Fixing what people mentioned above might fix this.

Also, maybe using "Central Command" instead of "central command". This would indicate a physical location like a building or room within a building rather than a position within a room.