I need help with some little dialogue and other things.

[huxley]

I've been doing editing and somethings you draw a blank over certain paragraphs and lines.

here is some lines I need help filling. thanks to everyone.


scenario 1: an evil uncle enters a farmhouse where a young lady, the main character, stands under a portrait of one of her old ancestors. --it's the uncle's first appearance. I need it to convey that he is mean.

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Living room. Maria stands in front of the fire place, looking up at the large painting. Focal point: Painting of Great-Great-Grandfather with Family Crest, plus image of a warrior statue in back ground.​

uncleO.P.)
(uncle says something about the painting or the man)well, isn't this a nice family reunion.

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scenario 2:


Interior farmhouse study, night. Maria rushes inside. The Uncle is in the scene.

MARIA:

One of the cows is giving birth. Garb some blankets and meet me in the barn, quick!

UNCLE:

You can't take care of this yourself? Can't you see I'm busy.

MARIA:

Stop being a -light insult-- . I need your help. Now get going!

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scenario 3: the main character has been given a job inside a workshop/retail place. She feels very grateful that everyone has been so helpful and she was down/ trouble.
- I'd like her to express she is grateful but not not a push over and just some wet mop of a person. - I might just delete it , not sure.
:::
Inside old kitchen with brick walls and pots and pans hanging. Baker showing Maria the stove.

baker:

I'm sure you'll find where everything is. Why don't I head to the local bakery and pick up a few things.

MARIA:

maybe)Thanks for everything. it really means alot for me. I really appreciate it. it's nice feeling welcomed, everyone has been so nice.-----------

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scenario 4:

The two guards restrain Maria. She tries to break free.

MARIA:

strong line.....?

Maria kicks one of the guards in the shins and breaks free.

 

[huxley]

scenario 5:
Midway through her run, Maria gets grabbed by Max.

MARIA:

Let go of me! Rusty, help!

MAX:

Bad guy line???


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scenario 6 ; A rug has just been pulled from under a bad character .



Isaac grinning. Maria looking proud. Leroy is by the door, Beckoning them. Martha is sprawled out on the floor.

ISAAC:

Wow! Maria, that was great. I didn't know you had it in you.

MARIA:

maria line .. maybe cocky?shassy line??

LEROY:

Hey! You can laugh about this tomorrow, but right now, we need to leave.

 

[Azraeth]

Hmm, not really sure what you're asking for here- is it prose or a script? A little context would be helpful. Why is the uncle 'evil'? Does he resent Maria specifically, or his life as a farmer? Is it just the two of them in the farmhouse? Why is he the way he is?

Scenario 1
If he blames his forefathers you could go along the lines of 'No point mooning over the stupid b@stards got us into this mess, girl.'

Scenario 2
Regardless of how belligerent he is, if the farm is his livelihood, he would never be too busy for a cow giving birth. Also, Maria would probably call the cow by name (not sure why, but I think of all cows as being named Bessie). Lastly, I think it is called calfing...not sure, check it though.

Bessie's calfing, if you feel like getting off your @rse.
Bessie's calfing! Hurry!

She wouldn't say 'meet me in the barn', either. Her uncle knows where Bessie is. Also, check whether blankets are even used in calfing. Not sure why she would ask her uncle to fetch them.

Scenario 3

I think here is really where it would be worthwhile considering the way people speak. Also, why is the baker going to the local bakery to pick up a few things? Aren't they in the local bakery? In any case, he wouldn't speak like that. He'd be more like; "Right, well I've to go down to Arnott's and grab some odds and sods."

MARIA:
Baker...
(he pauses at the door)
...thanks for everything. It really means-

BAKER:
Forget it. Least I can do. Back soon.

Scenario 4

You don't need a strong line. Let the action speak for itself. The idea that, in this situation, she would pause to think of something sassy might push it into Hollywood a bit.

Scenario 5

Not sure if she would shout 'help'. If someone is in shouting distance she would simply shout 'Rusty!'
On the same wavelength as scenario 4, not sure if a bad guy should pause to say something dastardly.

Scenario 6

In this one, again, consider how people talk and what the actual situation is. Martha won't be simply lying on the floor, doing nothing. A rug pull won't knock someone unconscious unless they smack their head on the way down. Maybe Martha is dead, and Maria should be more concerned with that than a sassy line. Though it might work in 80s action movies, that is an established universe that people buy into. The idea that people say 'cool things' has the potential to undermine peril, disconnect readers with characters and make our heroes seem foolish rather than capable.

Hope this helps.

 

[BrisGirl]

Also, check whether blankets are even used in calfing. Not sure why she would ask her uncle to fetch them.

Just a quick comment here, from a female.

Maria would never ask her uncle to go grab some blankets. Maria will know where the blankets are. Her visiting uncle will have no clue. The uncle will grab the wrong blankets, and then have to be sent back, and then he will probably grab something that is technically not a blanket, but a throw or a quilt, and then he will be sent back again, and next he will be told that no, they're the guest blankets, you fool, and so on and so forth.

Unless Maria feels comfortable sending her evil uncle into a homewares shop to grab some matching sheets, then I don't see that happening.

 

[Wanderlog]

huxley,

The second episode. I presume the uncle is older than Maria. She gives him commands in a very disrespectful tone. Combining with the Episode 1, it creates an impression that there is some kind of personal grudge between Maria and her uncle, so uncle doesn't look evil at all. Due to some reason, they hate each other, I buy it. However, I can't see why the uncle is evil in this scenario.

Stop being a -light insult-- .

strong line.....?

Er-r... do you really want people to suggest choices of words here? I can do it, yep, but I'm afraid I'll banned permanently after that.

 

[sliver magpie]

Hi Huxley,

I don't have any experience of doing this sort of thing so apologies if the following is complete pants. If it helps to clear your mind blank, great. I ran out of time with regard to scenario :- 1. Hope this helps in some way.


Scenario 2 :-

Interior farmhouse study, night. Maria rushes inside. The Uncle is in the scene.

MARIA: "One of the herd's calving, I'll need a hand to pull it out."

One of the cows is giving birth. Garb some blankets and meet me in the barn, quick!

UNCLE: "Do it yourself, I'm busy."

You can't take care of this yourself? Can't you see I'm busy.

MARIA: "Aye so I can see, busy doing bloody nothing. I don't expect much from you but you can dawn well help. Now move!

Stop being a -light insult-- . I need your help. Now get going!

Scenario 3 :- [It's nice to feel welcomed, everyone's been so nice but I can fend for myself."QUOTE="huxley, post: 1916318, member: 3014"]maybe)Thanks for everything. it really means alot for me. I really appreciate it. it's nice feeling welcomed, everyone has been so nice.-----------[/QUOTE]

"It's nice to feel welcomed, everyone's been so nice, but I can fend for myself!"


Scenario 4:- "Get off! Get off me! You can't do this!

Scenario 5:- "Shut your mouth, you're going nowhere!"

Scenario 6:- "This? This is nothing, I'm better than this!