Prologue 315 words, Fantasy.

[Mad Alice]

To acknowledge my fiftieth post, I am putting this excerpt up for critique.

This is the prologue to a fantasy novel that I am working on. Any comments or suggestions would be helpful.

About the point of view, after the prologue in third, the chapters proper switch into close first.






Knight of Stars And Dreams

It was the longest evening of the longest day of the year.
The silver belled sails of the Arch Prince's Moonboat lay slack on its voyage across the cerulean sky-sea, scuppered in a giggling cloud bank. Gently rocking to the music drifting up from the hidden tower down below.
There in the green hills of the Lords of Misrule's woods that hide, the Lost Princess slowly climbed the long stairs of the desolate hidden tower, slowly playing the sad songs of the coming midnight upon the silver strings of that voice of the Air Fairy's, the Lonely Violin.

Each sweet note drifted out from the high tower window and cozened the birds to their nests, to their song of coming night. And all floated upward to the moonboats sails, belling them out full in the growing night's first green of the cerulean sky-sea.

But the giggling clouds as never before did not release the moonboat from their grasp. It was stuck fast in the not-quite-night sky. And without the moonboat's sailing to the far shores of Nightstart and Dayend, the stars could never descend to draw back the curtain of the night.
The sky-sea and all the lands were locked fast into the gray dreamtime of evening, going on and on, in this longest day while the mortal children ensconced already within their beds in the lands of men, stared up in wonder at the long not night sky. The notes of the Lonely Violin played louder, and the birds songs rose up, but the Prince's moonboat was truly stuck fast within the grip of the giggling clouds.

Then, suddenly, the cause of such discords was made clear, as the silver bells of fairy rang out across the woods and echoed through all that rainbow land.

The grim ogre had stolen the Prince of Starlight's Stone of Seeming, and Night had lost its Champion.

 

[Brian G Turner]

There could be something enjoyable in this experience - clearly a colourful collection of characters, and setting. But there are so many adjectives and verbs that there's a clear lack of focus - each sentence struggles to convey any explicit meaning. So I have to read everything at least twice - it didn't even occur that the first sentence described a ship floating in the sky, as the word "sky" I read as a supporting adjective with "cerulean" for colour.

There's a mantra in publishing about saying the most with least words - and when it comes to descriptions, using one single right word to convey the meaning of many. IMO it would be a good idea to consider applying some of that there.

Also, if you've never read any books on the technicalities of writing, you may find Jeff Vandermeer's Wonderbook eminently suitable - it's a quirky yet very comprehensive guide to almost every writer's tool, some of which you could apply here to make this opening stronger.

Hope that helps, even though it's only my personal opinion.

 

[Jackie Bee]

Nice ! Good language, although sometimes too elaborate - maybe its a matter of taste, but a few sentences I had to re-read to understand. Another thing - mentioning the longest day felt redundant in the 4th paragraph after you started the piece with it...Overall , nice story telling!

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I can have teeth, be warned. Comments in bold.

Knight of Stars And Dreams

It was the longest evening of the longest day of the year.
The silver belled silver-belled sails of the Arch Prince's Moonboat lay slack on its voyage across the cerulean sky-sea, scuppered in a giggling cloud bank there's an awful lot to take in in that line. Gently rocking to the music drifting up from the hidden tower down below sentence seems to be a fragment to me .
There in the green hills of the Lords of Misrule's woods that hide hide what?, the Lost Princess slowly climbed the long stairs of the desolate hidden tower, slowly playing the sad songs of the coming midnight upon the silver strings of that voice of the Air Fairy's, the Lonely Violin.I'm not averse to long sentences, and get called out on it quite a lot, but that's a whopper. There is also a lot of thes in it (Bolded) I think it might be good for you to go for a bit more tightness (have you found the writing challenges yet - they're great for learning what words can be culled.) Anyway, with a quick cull of extra words this could be:

There, in the green hills of the Lords of Misrule's woods, the Lost Princess slowly climbed the long stairs of a desolate hidden tower, slowly playing sad songs of coming midnight upon silver strings of the Air Fairy's voice, the Lonely Violin. (As an aside, I don't entirely understand the bit about the voice and the silver strings.)

Each sweet note drifted out from the high tower window and cozened the birds to their nests, to their song of coming night. And all the birds or the notes?floated upward to the moonboatsboat's - and it was capitalized earlier sails, belling them out full in the growing night's first green of the cerulean sky-seasecond description of the sky... for me, it's too much and I'd love this much more pared down.

But the giggling cloudsAnd again, repeated info - do we need the first paragraph? as never before did not release the moonboat from their grasp. It was stuck fast in the not-quite-night sky. And without the moonboat's sailing to the far shores of Nightstart and Dayend, the stars could never descend to draw back the curtain of the night.
The sky-sea and all the lands were locked fast into the gray dreamtime of evening, going on and on, in this longest day while the mortal children ensconced already within their beds in the lands of men, stared up in wonder at the long not night sky. The notes of the Lonely Violin played louder, and the birds songs rose up, but the Prince's moonboat was truly stuck fast within the grip of the giggling clouds.

Then, suddenly, the cause of such discords was made clear, as the silver bells of fairy rang out across the woods and echoed through all that rainbow land.

The grim ogre had stolen the Prince of Starlight's Stone of Seeming, and Night had lost its Champion.

I think you're trying for a fairytale voice in this but, for me, you're trying a little too hard. So many things to take in, the Moonboat, the clouds, the colour of the sky, the song, the tower, the forest, the other countrys, a Prince of Starlight, a stone... I'm lost. There's something nice in here, I think, and an intriguing set up but, for me, it needs a little more honing and perhaps more focus on what matters when.
I hope it helps!

 

[J Riff]

Very nice, poetic, not too long, but a tad adjectivey, p'raps. Scuppered in giggling cloud banks is good. )

 

[Mad Alice]

Thanks all!

This place is amazing, as are you all.

I have been trundling that bit around forever, it seems, listening to it clunk like a broken cart and the only comments I ever received were,"Ooh, now that's pretty." which is utterly useless in determining what's wrong with it.

Pop it up here and you lovely people point out all the broken wheels and bashed in sides of my rumbly tumbly poor broken cart in no time flat.

Brian, thank you for the book suggestion! I have looked into it, and "Wonderbook" is being got, though unfortunately at a three week delay at this time. Were there any specifics I should earmark, do you think?
Have noted the sky problem and wording problems. I am currently beating them into submission with a very large thesaurus and extensive use of pruning shears.

Jackie Bee, I have been de-elaborating upon your suggestion, with an eye towards an increase in clarity. Unfortunately I have a tendency towards the wordy side of things, and any such pruning often results in violent regrowth of upstart prosery. But I will limp on towards communicability.

Jo, you are an utter delight. Not only do you dismantle my story engine but you give me detailed and cognant instructions for its proper rebuild.

If all your postings are so very vitally informative, your post count should be honorarily quadrupled in recognition of their brilliant utility. Thank you. All your suggestions save one are being implemented as we speak. That sole holdout from your excellent advise being the name of the woods of hiding. This I will reconfigure, as its meant to indicate an area of chaos lands, that drift, untied to a single physical location. This world's enchanted forest, and a necessary gateway from the sidelying mortal and fairy realms of my little world.

You are spot on in the wordiness. I have fallen into the horrid habit of "why use one word, when three will do"-iness.

I have taken a close look at your brevity challenges. Thought I would give it a bit of a go, but was too tardy in my entrance into this forum to participate this month. I shall eagerly await, (holding bated breath) next months admission times.

You are quite right, Jo, I do and am trying too hard to achieve a fairytale feel with this. It is an extreme departure from my current urban fantasy mythos sort of things, and a return to my first ventures into writing (that were, to my shame, trite fan-fictions of the Lord of the Rings sort. ).

J Riff, thank you! That was one of the sticky bits I was worried about. Glad to know it came off as intended.

Yes, right. I saw that most threads contain background information upon the characters and situ. I didn't do this as my problem was whether the piece would stand alone without explanations or background. As I feared, it doesn't. Finally after six months of dithering, I know! Back to the grindstone.

 

[Warren_Paul]

About the point of view, after the prologue in third, the chapters proper switch into close first.

Nothing wrong with doing that.


----------------


Knight of Stars And Dreams

It was the longest evening of the longest day of the year.
The silver belled sails of the Arch Prince's Moonboat lay slack on its voyage across the cerulean sky-sea, scuppered in a giggling cloud bank. Gently rocking to the music drifting up from the hidden tower down below.
There in the green hills of the Lords of Misrule's woods that hide, the Lost Princess slowly climbed the long stairs of the desolate hidden tower, slowly [Close repeat of slowly, advise reconsidering its use here] playing the sad songs of the coming midnight upon the silver strings of that voice of the Air Fairy's, the Lonely Violin.

Each sweet note drifted out from the high tower window and cozened the birds to their nests, to their song of coming night. And all floated upward to the moonboats sails, belling them out full in the growing night's first green of the cerulean [You don't need to repeat this word when you mention the sky-sea] sky-sea.

But the giggling [repeat of giggling to describe clouds. Unless it is part of character voice you don't need to say giggling again] clouds as never before did not release the moonboat from their grasp. It was stuck fast in the not-quite-night sky. And without the moonboat's sailing to the far shores of Nightstart and Dayend, the stars could never descend to draw back the curtain of the night.

The sky-sea and all the lands were locked fast into the gray dreamtime of evening, going on and on, in this longest day while the mortal children ensconced already within their beds in the lands of men, stared up in wonder at the long not night sky. The notes of the Lonely Violin played louder, and the birds songs rose up, but the Prince's moonboat was truly stuck fast within the grip of the giggling clouds.

Then, suddenly, [weak use of sudden action. I am of the opinion that most times if the writing is strong enough, and personal enough, you don't need to say the action happened suddenly, and by trying to still do so you're just weakening the prose. If you're resorting to saying suddenly, then I'd suggest reconsidering how you've written this bit] the cause of such discords was made clear, as the silver bells of fairy rang out across the woods and echoed through all that rainbow land.

The grim ogre had stolen the Prince of Starlight's Stone of Seeming, and Night had lost its Champion. [Telling. We don't really want to know this, especially since without the context of characters to explain its meaning via showing rather than telling, it has zero meaning to us.]

-------------------------

The writing of this is quite artistic, I thought. But I read it and wonder, what is its purpose? It doesn't seem like anything you couldn't just include in the actual character narrative instead of giving us this short omniscient scene.

The other big concern I'd have is the excessive repeated description of the scenery. Describe it once and limit any further mention to just the bare necessities to identify the object of the sentence. I lost count of how many different ways you described the coming of night time to us.

 

[Ihe]

Basically, everything said before me. Too many adjectives (although not all is bad because of it), repetitions and sentences that had me confused, like the one of the Lost Princess climbing the tower and the Violin... No idea what any of that meant, and it seemed too long a sentence for so much descriptive information. Also, "silver-belled" is used as an adjective once or twice, and then you introduce actual silver bells ringing out. Confusing and repetitive wording.

On the other hand, the baroque style does confer the piece a very "fairy dreamland" quality to it. Forgive me gods of publishing and concise writing, but I would suggest not culling adjectives all that much. The lyrical over-stuffiness here actually helps give the scene a sweet, warm and sparkling tone, enveloping the reader in velvety myth. If you can clarify the meanings and purpose of every sentence, I wouldn't mind you staying on the wordy side of things. Of course, this wouldn't do in the long term for the story itself, but for this excerpt, it sort of works. I would keep about 70% of the adjectives and clarify sentences (make sure not to chain too many adjective-noun-adjective-noun in one sentence. Don't re-use descriptions/adj. etc.). And tread lightly. Description just for the sake of description has to be carefully handled with long tongs.

 

[Dan Jones]

It was the longest evening of the longest day of the year.
The silver-belled (I'd italicise this) sails of the Arch Prince's Moonboat lay slack on its voyage across the cerulean sky-sea, scuppered in a giggling cloud bank. Perhaps a comma would work better than a full stop here. But as Jo says, there's already arguably too much going on in that sentence. Gently rocking to the music drifting up from the hidden tower down below.
There in the green hills of the Lords of Misrule's woods that hide not sure what you mean; is it literally the woods that do the hiding, or are they concealing something / someone within it??, the Lost Princess slowly climbed the long stairs of the desolate hidden tower, slowly playing the sad songs of the coming midnight upon the silver strings of that voice of the Air Fairy's, the Lonely Violin. Another super long sentence. Because you're playing with some very lush, opulent imagery, it becomes very complicated when you string them together - it's a lot to visualise at once, so perhaps you could try and restructure your sentences accordingly. A few critters have said you're overwriting a bit - that's arguable, (I personally like and use vivid descriptions) so you'll need to figure out a way that retains your lovely images but doesn't leave the reader confused or fatigued.

Each sweet note drifted out from the high tower window and cozened the birds to their nests, to their song of coming night. And all floated upward to the moonboat' - possessive apostrophe - s sails, belling them out full in the growing night's first green of the cerulean sky-sea.

But the giggling clouds as never before did not release the moonboat from their grasp. It was stuck fast in the not-quite-night sky. And without the moonboat's sailing to the far shores of Nightstart and Dayend, the stars could never descend to draw back the curtain of the night.
The sky-sea and all the lands were locked fast into the gray dreamtime of evening, going on and on, in this longest day while the mortal children ensconced already within their beds in the lands of men, stared up in wonder at the long not-night again I'd italicise this for some clarity sky. The notes of the Lonely Violin played louder, and the birds songs rose up, but the Prince's moonboat was truly stuck fast within the grip of the giggling clouds you've already said this - we know it's stuck.

Then, suddenly, the cause of such discords was made clear, as the silver bells of fairy just one fairy? Or someone named fairy? Or several fairies? rang out across the woods and echoed through all that rainbow land.

The grim ogre had stolen the Prince of Starlight's Stone of Seeming, and Night had lost its Champion.

~

Phew! It's kind of wonderful, but would be a hell of an effort to read anything of great length written in such a style. It reminds me of the lyrics to Queen's very early stuff from the early 70s (stuff like Ogre Battle, March of The Black Queen etc). If you're writing a full on novel like this you might want to rein in your sentence structure. The prose is very light and delicate, and you don't want to break that by making it too simple or pragmatic, but it does require a bit of tightening up.

But well done on posting, it's a lovely piece!

Not so mad after all

 

[jastius]

hi alice! welcome! fifty posts already? ..it took my sluggardly self almost a year to rack up that count. (are you going after springs record? )
i love your fairytale beginning. it reminds me of a bedtime story. I would like to listen to it with john rhys davies reciting it..
you have lots of perroult influence there... very nice voice!
i agree with ihe completely, alice. you have something very much worth saving here, in part or entirety with judious pruning. good story!

 

[Dan Jones]

I would like to listen to it with john rhys davies reciting it..

This.

Someone get the petition up and running!

 

[tinkerdan]

I have no problem with extra adjectives and adverbs and the language here feels that it's striving to be poetic and perhaps there is too much alliteration.

The biggest problem I had was trying to read this aloud and finding a comfortable rhythm in it.

The second problem was the overuse of the determiner 'the' and some could be outright removed while others could alternate with a and not take away from the intent. I suggest reading it out loud as it is and then remove what number of determiners that you can and do the alternation with a and then read again and see if you can find or create a smoother rhythm throughout.