Rewording help needed

[HareBrain]

This is from a blurb I'm working on, and there's one part that doesn't feel right and is bugging me.
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Washed up on a beach with no memories, desperate to recover their pasts, Orc and Cass have no idea of the danger they pose to the world if they fall into the wrong hands.

As the strain of what lies buried in their pasts begins to tear them apart, their own dangers grow: a fanatical young magician-hunter, possessed by the Lords of Holy Battles; an occultist who plots to use their secrets in his own scheme for domination; and greatest of all, the Otherworld, the ocean of memory and myth that reaches back to the dawn of human consciousness.
______


The problem (for me) is "dangers grow". It needs to indicate the plural, because it's followed by a list. But if possible, I'd like it to say "their own danger [does something]", to mirror "danger", singular, in the first paragraph.

If I'm stuck with "dangers", plural, so be it, but I'd also like a better word than "grow", something that implies an accumulation and surrounding, but I can't find the right one.

Or is "dangers grow" actually OK?

Grateful for any suggestions.

 

[Venusian Broon]

Other words for grow after the dangers bit...proliferate, swell, 'threaten to overwhelm/engulf (them)' ???

Like the whole blurb. Short, punchy and covers all the main bases. Very good.

 

[thaddeus6th]

Could go for 'threats', perhaps.

 

[J D Foster]

I find it so hard to write the short blurb… this has got all the right punchy and intriguing ingredients to make me want to know more.


How about:


The perils they face only grow?


But whilst the strain of what lies buried in their pasts begins to tear them apart, it is nothing compared to the dangers threatening their future: (bit movie cliché?)

 

[AnyaKimlin]

As the strain of what lies buried in their pasts begins to tear them apart. Danger haunts them in the form of a fanatical young magician-hunter, possessed by the Lords of Holy Battles; an occultist who plots to use their secrets in his own scheme for domination; and greatest of all, the Otherworld, the ocean of memory and myth that reaches back to the dawn of human consciousness.

 

[Roy1]

I suppose threats could multiply. In fact strains could divide and dangers could multiply to add to your desperation. Sorry I'm trying to be funny not negative.

 

[psychotick]

Hi,

The problem for me was the lack of subject specificity.

"As the strain of what lies buried in their pasts begins to tear them apart, their own dangers grow: a fanatical young magician-hunter, possessed by the Lords of Holy Battles; an occultist who plots to use their secrets in his own scheme for domination; and greatest of all, the Otherworld, the ocean of memory and myth that reaches back to the dawn of human consciousness."

When you wrote this my first thought was that Orc and Cass were the the magician and the occultist.

Might I suggest rewriting it as something along these lines:

"... the danger around them grows. A fanatical magician-hunter possessed by the lords of the Holy Battles is close on their trail. An occultist who intends to use their secret knowledge for his own schemes, hunts them relentlessly. And most terrifying of all the Otherworld - the ocean of memory and myth that reaches back to the dawn of time - threatens to overwhelm them."

Cheers, Greg.

 

[Dan Jones]

Much better blurb than the first effort, HB.

instead of grow, how about "creep" - which carries a certain implicit sinisterness.

In fact, reading it again, I'm not sure about "their own dangers" - it somehow reads a little clumsy, because the dangers you mention are "other" dangers. How about this?

As the strain of what lies buried in their pasts begins to tear them apart, other dangers begin to emerge:

 

[HareBrain]

Thanks for your suggestions, everyone. It's possible (or a near-certainty) that I'm trying to be too neat and too clever. I wanted "their own danger(s)" to match the first paragraph.

Para 1: they pose a danger.

Para 2: danger of various kinds threatens them in turn.

It's the connection between the two I was going for. But it might have been visible only to me. If I abandon that, then a whole range of other options become available, including the many good suggestions here.

The problem for me was the lack of subject specificity.

I see that now, thanks. I guess that would be reduced if I went with "they become encircled/whatever by their own dangers: a fanatical etc"? as it should make it clearer that what follows the colon relates to the dangers. I'll think about your suggestion of the three separate sentences, though to me, it feels less punchy. On the other hand, it gets rid of the worry about having a big old sentence with what might now be seen as elitist/esoteric punctuation.

 

[Dan Jones]

It's possible (or a near-certainty) that I'm trying to be too neat and too clever. I wanted "their own danger(s)" to match the first paragraph.

Para 1: they pose a danger.

Para 2: danger of various kinds threatens them in turn.

I see it now, but I didn't see that the first time around.

I asked on the other thread but I guess you've stopped reading that one: does the fact you're blurbing mean you're investigating SP-ing, or have you had any requests? Sorry, just being nosy

 

[HareBrain]

I asked on the other thread but I guess you've stopped reading that one

Ha, just replied to you on there. (No, I never stop reading my crit threads!)

One thing I like about this blurb is that it works so well with the cover I have in mind. Which is why I'm so keen to get it right.

 

[Dan Jones]

Aha, I look forward to seeing your concept cover art - I know you were struggling with it a few weeks back

 

[HareBrain]

Thanks again for the help, all. I've made a couple of tweaks and adopted the separate sentence approach rather than those semi-colons.

My last problem is this:

A fanatical young magician-hunter hunts them, possessed by the Lords of Holy Battle.

I need to replace hunter or hunts. I can't use "magician-slayer" because he hasn't killed any. I don't really want to lengthen the sentence and reduce the punch by having "is on their trail" at the end.

Any ideas?

 

[Dan Jones]

How about "tracks" instead of "hunts" ?

 

[Venusian Broon]

Stalks or pursues?

 

[HareBrain]

Pursues works, but pursues ... possessed doesn't.

Inspired instead of possessed? Driven?

 

[Venusian Broon]

Different tack, just throwing it out -

Instead of 'possessed' how about 'blessed and cursed'. It however lengthens your sentence, so...probably not.

 

[HareBrain]

I think it also risks sounding both vague and complex, which could cause a reader to stumble.

At present I'm minded to go with "driven".

Thanks again. (And I should also say thanks to @Hex for giving me the first paragraph.)

 

[Venusian Broon]

I think it also risks sounding both vague and complex, which could cause a reader to stumble.

At present I'm minded to go with "driven".

Thanks again. (And I should also say thanks to @Hex for giving me the first paragraph.)

Excellent, I was about to re-edit my post to add that I thought 'driven' or 'compelled' might also work.

Great minds and all that, I say.

 

[Mad Alice]

What about 'seeks' instead of 'hunts'?